Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
And we’ve just been listening to ‘Walter Gate Investigates’ on Radio Went FM. On weekday afternoons he has a programme where he introduces his topic and then throws it open as a phone-in. He tackles a range of subjects, both national and international, or of local interest in our lovely little village of Upton Went. We’d like to give you a taster.
For instance, not long ago Walter Gate investigated fat nurses. He did an investigation into how the NHS are always banging on about people being obese, or even morbidly obese. Sounds ridiculous, they’re the ones being morbid.
And what Walter Gate was concerned with was the number of nurses he’d encountered who were themselves obese, or even morbidly obese. Therefore, a case of NHS pot calling kettle black and he felt that no-one in the NHS had any right to preach about obesity when even a single nurse is fat.
When he got to the phone-in, one lady rang up and complained that a fat nurse had claimed she was overweight and she told her straight “I’m not being told I’m fat by someone with a face like a sack of spanners and a body like ten pigs tied in a sack!”
Another caller sat on a nurse until she begged him to get off.
Other issues he’d looked at recently include “Does the Bedroom Tax Apply to the Monarchy?” and “It’s Not Good That the Prime Minister Greets World Leaders from a Terraced House, so Couldn’t the Government Use Buckingham Palace as a British White House and the Monarchy Move to Windsor Castle?”
So, that’s ‘Walter Gate Investigates’ every weekday afternoon on Radio Went FM from 2-4. He asks the questions others dare not ask, but need to be asked because he, like us, stands up for the rights of others.
Anyway, to go back to our medical theme, we heard a rumour the other day from the receptionist of our local psychiatrist, Dr. Aspirin. she said it was “confidential, so be careful who you tell.”
Apparently, this bloke came in and asked to see Dr. Aspirin at once. Luckily he was able to fit him in as one of his best customers had just tried to hang himself, so he had a free appointment. The conversation went something like this:-
“What seems to be the trouble?” Great opening line!
“I am the Doctor.”
“No, I’m the Doctor.”
“You many be a Doctor, but I’m the Doctor, the definite article.”
“I think I’d better take some notes. Title?”
“Doctor.”
“Surname?”
“Doctor.”
First name?”
“The.”
“Any other names?”
“I sometimes use John Smith, but that’s usually only when I’m helping the Brigadier. He thinks I’m a splendid chap, all of me.”
“All of you?” How many of you are there?”
“Last time I looked 12, although it’s getting hard to say for sure.”
“Address?”
“Originally or currently?”
“Well, both would be helpful.”
“Originally I’m from Gallifrey.”
“And where’s Gallifrey?”
“Ireland! I’ve been travelling for a while, but my last regular address was 76 Totters Lane, Shepherds Bush.”
“So, what brings you to me?”
“Wherever I go, no-one is ever pleased to see me. I feel persecuted.”
“Who by?”
“Daleks, Cybermen, Ice Warriors, Autons, Sontarons.”
“I see.”
“I haven’t finished yet. Yeti, the Master, Ogrons, Axons, Silurians, Sea Devils, Krotons, Quarks, to name a few.”
“Well, Doctor, what I suggest is this. There’s a patient in the waiting room who thinks he’s a Dalek. You can’t miss him, he’s the one with the eyestalk sticking out of his forehead.”
“What d’you want me to do?”
“I want you to go out there and exterminate him, so he becomes less aggressive.”
“But do I have the right?”
“This is no time for moral dilemmas that sound like ’70s pop songs. You must evert their creation and complete your mission for the Time Lords.”
So he did, before the Time Ring took him back to the TARDIS. Anyway, it’s time for us to dematerialise now.
O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 