Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
Let us tell you this week about a teacher we heard about from Nosey Bonk. He told us one of his lessons was known as ‘The Story of World War I For Children’ and it sounded like this.
Once upon a time there was a man called the kaiser who lived in Germany and he wanted to have more ships in his navy than anyone else in the whole wide world. However, his cousin who was King of England also wanted more ships than anyone else, so they both kept on building more and more ships and the ships got bigger and bigger. Meanwhile, in a far off country called Russia, their other cousin who was Tsar of Russia was very unpopular.
Sir, Sir.
Yes.
What’s a tsar?
It’s like a king, only they speak Russian.
Oh, I see.
So, the tsar was very unpopular across the whole of Russia because everyone was starving except for the tsar and his wife, their family and their friends, including a monk by the name of Rasputin.
Sir, Sir.
Yes.
What’s a monk?
It’s like a vicar, only they don’t speak.
Not even Russian?
Not even Russian.
So how did he make himself understood?
Hypnosis.
What’s hypnosis?
It’s talking, only with your mind, not your mouth.
Oh, I see, I think.
Anyway, they all decided they were going to have a war to end all wars to clear the air, so they killed an archduke and his wife, took sides, dug trenches right across France and waited for America to join in and get the whole thing sorted out.
Sir, Sir,
Yes.
What’s an archduke?
It doesn’t matter, there isn’t a question about it in the exam, so you don’t need to know.
But what if someone asks me what an archduke is after I leave school?
They won’t. No-one ever mentions them anymore.
Oh, I see.
So, after America joined in the war to end all wars, everyone else got a move on and they managed to finish the war on November 11th 1918, just over a year after America joined in, but 4 years after everyone else started killing each other. Anyway, it was just before Christmas, so it didn’t spoil everyone’s Christmas shopping and so everyone lived happily ever after. As soon as Christmas was over everyone went back to work and they buried all the dead, except one soldier who they put in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, so they could all have a day of remembrance every year when they could all get together and try and remember who he was.
Sir, Sir.
Yes.
Do you think I’ll pass the exam this year?
I hope so. You’ve been in this class for so many years because you’ve never passed your exams. You’re a very naughty girl.
I know, but we’ve been married for 15 years, so can’t you just treat me like a wife instead?
And that, boys and girls, is what Nosey Bonk heard.
You know, when I was in university my law lecturer told me that there was always something retarded about people who wanted to be teachers because they never wanted to leave school.
Yes, when I was in university my marketing lecturer told me that it was like children who wanted to be teachers who couldn’t cope with the big world outside and just wanted to stay in school where they felt safe.
More than that, I was told he noticed that all the boys and girls who wanted to be teachers were unpopular, were often bullied and usually spent all their playtimes either on their own or walking around sucking up to the dinner lady and asking if they could ring the bell.
Also, they were often teachers pet, as we used to say.
I was told they often harbour a lot of resentment about how they were treated in school and wanted to become a teacher so they could take out all their anger on children and get it all out of their system. I wonder if it’s true!
And Nosey Bonk wondered how many take all that resentment home with them too. Anyway, it’s time for us to ring the bell now and go and do our homework.
O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 