APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

We’ve just been chatting to Sy & Phyllis.

They work at the Upton Went Sex Clinic.

Not that there’s a lot of VD in Upton Went.

No, the Upton Went Sex Clinic is a private establishment for people from elsewhere who need treating for VD, but don’t want anyone to know about it.

That’s why it’s called the Upton Went Sex Clinic. If it really was a sex clinic, it would never be called a sex clinic, so it can’t be a sex clinic, so everyone can deny they’re at a sex clinic.

Now, Sy & Phyllis have a blue strip along the top of their car windscreen.

Imagine, people going to the sex clinic to have their VD treated and there in the car park is a Mini Metro with Syphillis written along the windscreen.

In their spare time Sy & Phyllis do amateur dramatics at the Central Upton National Theatre, just up the road.

They were in a contemporary Shakespeare season, in Hot Fellow & The Temp Post, set in an office run by a pervert.

When they’re not spending their evenings on stage with the Central Upton National Theatre, they do a lot of volunteering.

For a start they volunteer to help judge the cooking society’s latest efforts. What the hell, it’s a free nosh-up and it’s only once every few months.

However, they probably won’t be going there anymore. They were disgusted last time that one person made dough out of a special recipe mainly based on peas, would you believe and what really disgusted them, apart from the taste, was the rude shapes he made the dough into.

Yes, they both thought he was a pervert and didn’t want anything to do with him.

He even produced an entire set of files he’d put together on different shapes and recipes for his pea dough.

This was the last straw. Sy & Phyllis told him straight that Pea Dough Files are sick and anyone who has anything but loathing for them ought to be locked up.

So, they won’t be going there anymore.

What they’ll probably be doing more of instead is putting leaflets in envelopes for two local political parties, the Rods and the Mockers. They work for one each.

So they cancel each out.

That’s democracy for you!

The Rods are in favour of getting Upton Went out of the EU, whereas the Mockers are an old established party who are in favour of staying in the EU, but have promised a straight in-out referendum by the end of 2017.

They put a poster up for the Mockers at the Upton Went Sex Clinic about the EU referendum.

It was next to a poster about the signs of VD and read “A Straight In-out Is Best.”

Anyway, the Rods and the Mockers don’t exactly see eye-to-eye, as you might expect. They dress different too. The Rods are always smartly dressed in sharp suits, whereas the Mockers wear black leathers and never wear a tie because they think it makes them look more trendy.

One of the Mockers told Sy & Phyllis he made their logo out of fablon and stuck it on the back of his leather jacket.

He had real fablon on the back and real flab on the front!

And one of the Rods said they were the way they were because of “teenage rebelliation.” He’s an English teacher!

Every bank holiday Monday the Rods and the Mockers end up fighting in seaside resorts in the southeast, especially as they both have their party conferences at seaside resorts.

Every bank holiday Monday they end up fighting. The Rods go into a public house, have a pint, hold a press conference and then have a fight with any Mockers anywhere near. the Mockers go looking for trouble making fun of the Rods because they don’t think they’re a serious political force.

Then the Mockers have a shock when they find the Rods are getting all the votes and many Rods are disaffected Mockers who the Mockers think will leave the Rods come the next general election, but I wouldn’t be so sure.

The Mockers failed to win an overall majority at the 2010 general election and had to go into coalition with the Vacuous Democrats, but the Vacuous Democrats have lost all their support because they promised tuition fees wouldn’t go up at the Upton Went Adult Education Centre and tuition fees have tripled at the Upton Went Adult Education Centre since the start of the coalition.

So, the Vacuous Democrats have had it. So have the other old established political party, the Forced Labour Party.

Therefore, when the next general election comes by next May, it’s down to the Mockers hoping to win an overall manority, otherwise they’d have to enter into a coalition with the Rods and then there would be more fireworks than the Chinese New Year.

Anyway, that’s all from us for this week. See you next week. Say goodnight to the nice ladies and gentlemen, wherever they may be.

O.K., goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.