Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
We haven’t mentioned Whisky Tango Foxtrot for a while, have we?
Well, he’s getting over his Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and he’s been writing his war memoirs.
It’s just been published and he gave us a copy as a wedding present. It’s called ‘Bigger Than Patton, Better Than Peace – How I Won Every War I’ve Been In.’
Great title. The trouble is Whisky Tango Foxtrot didn’t realise the publishers thought it was a spoof rather than his actual war memoirs and they’ve marketed it as a humourous book.
We haven’t got the heart to tell him.
Well, how can we? I mean, could you?
You’ve only got to look at the reviews.
On the ‘back-of-book blurb’ it quotes ‘The Times’ as saying “a ludicrous, very funny fusion of fact and comic fantasy.”
‘The Daily Telegraph’ says “a dense dumpling of a book,” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.
‘The Daily Express’ says “hilariously irreverent.”
‘The Guardian’ says “it’s a masterpiece in tongue-in-cheek egomania, a comic tour-de-force, or, if you are the ghost of Mary Whitehouse, it’s a nasty, smelly, subversive book about an incurable bighead who should never have been allowed in print.”
And the ‘Radio Times’ said “it’s full of fun and laughter, but a word of warning – don’t read it in public, the belly-laughs may cause embarrassment.”
Best of all, the ‘Church Times’ said “it should get a few old farts in Tunbridge Wells trying to work out how to send e-mails.”
We had a look at the reviews on Amazon. One person said “bought this for my wife who didn’t know much about war. Now a big fan. Delivery spot on.”
Why is it so many people review things on Amazon without actually saying anything about the thing they’re reviewing, but never forget to say something about the delivery?”
Here’s another one. “Ordered it Monday. Came the next day. Highly recommended. Buy it.”
Another said “a lunatic, maniac, hysterical, fast-paced, rip-roaring, laught-out-loud, rollercoaster of a read. Very, very funny. Buy it.” What’s he on?
Another said “I’m a big fan. Ooer! Sounds like that could get a bit rude!” What planet were they from?
One strange person said “a great read for any war fan. Very funny and highly recommended for anyone, especially if you enjoyed the Gulf War and Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Words fail me.
The strangest was one that said “saw the Gulf War on TV, enjoyed the book even more. Laughed out loud. I’ve read some of the reviews and they’re far easier reading ‘Noddy’ by the sound of it. Some people recommend reading it in bitesize chunks. That’s fair to say as long as it’s about a line at a time.”
Sad, isn’t it? A veteran of the armed forces spends about 20 years of his life in the army. Serves in the Gulf War, Somalia, Bosnia, Afghanistan and Iraq. Ends up being pensioned off because of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Can’t cope with life. Can’t live with his memories. Won’t give in. Has a pet tiger that he loves more than anything in the world. Starts to get better by writing his memoirs and all that happens is people laugh. And the worst of it is he doesn’t even realise they’re laughing at him.
Very true. Upton Went has a lot of writers in it. It’s very prolific. It’s a writer’s village.
I mean, people may laugh at Whisky Tango Foxtrot, just because he has a pet tiger and drives a tank, but he’s seen more friends blown apart than most people will ever have in their lives. He’s seen things no-one should see. It’s all he knows. And it’s all he’s ever known. All he ever wanted to do was drive a tank, like the Action Man one he had as a boy. Then the Gulf War happened and then Somalia happened and then Bosnia happened and then Afghanistan happened and then Iraq happened and then Post-traumatic Stress Disorder happened.
And Post-traumatic Stress Disorder is Whisky Tango Foxtrot’s last war. He fights it every day. And he never regrets how his life’s worked out. He’s never bitter. And there’s no hate or anger in him. Not one drop.
For instance, he was interviewed about his autobiography on Radio Upton’s weekly look at what’s new in books, ‘Between the Covers’ and he was asked if he was proud of his war record and he said “no, I’ve got a terrible singing voice.”
He was asked what he thought of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and he said “it’s been nearly a century since that bloke was buried there and I think it’s about time they pulled their finger out and worked out who he is, I mean, if they can work out who Richard III is, they can work out who that soldier is.”
And he was asked what were his favourite and least favourite war films and he said ” the best war film I ever saw was ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ and the worst film I ever saw was ‘Saving Ryan’s Privates’.”
Anyway, as Whisky Tango Foxtrot was good enough to give us a copy of his autobiography as a present, we’re going to go now and read it, between the covers.
By the way, he signed it.
And so did his pet tiger, Fango.
On that note, we’ll say goodnight.
O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 