Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
We’ve just been listening to Radio Upton.
And they had a phone-in about “your favourite curry.”
And one bloke rang in and said his favourite curry was fruit curry.
Well, we couldn’t stop laughing. For some unfathomable reason we suddenly found that the words “fruit curry” make us laugh uncontrollably.
I have no idea why. the words aren’t funny by themselves, but somehow, when put side-by-side, they produce a chain reaction followed by a huge explosion.
Not unlike fruit curry.
I imagine this bloke who rang in talking about fruit curry was living alone, or if not whoever lives with him must be very understanding, or have a very poor sense of smell, or love fruit curry as much as he does, in which case dinner parties must either be conducted with every window wide open, or a gas mask, or with other people who love fruit curry, in which case it must sound like that scene in ‘Blazing Saddles’ where all the cowboys are sat round the campfire eating beans.
And that’s a frightening thought.
Can you imagine two things that should never meet on your insides worse than fruit and curry?
It would be like eating a heavy meal and then drinking a pint of ice-cold orange juice straight from the fridge and then waiting for it to get to your bowels and waiting for the eruption.
Talk about odd jobs. You’d never be off the toilet. Come to think of it there was a distinct echo when that bloke rang in. Perhaps he was on the toilet when was on that phone-in.
I mean, what has always worried me was what if I died on the toilet? Now, I’ve heard of people dying on the toilet and I’ve come to the conclusion that it can only be the strain of actually going to the toilet that causes them to die on the toilet. That means it can’t be when they’re doing number ones. It must be when they’re doing number twos.
Or number threes.
What are number threes?
When you need to do a number one and a number two.
What, simultaneously?
No, one after the other. You can’t do both simultaneously. Your bladder and bowel muscles won’t let you.
I’m glad to say I’ve never put it to the test.
I have and that’s why I think fruit and curry are two things that should never meet in your insides at the same time.
It’s embarrassing enough to think you might die on the toilet, but to think you might die on the toilet after having fruit curry just doesn’t bear thinking about. What worries me even more is what if I died on the toilet while I was still in the process of doing number twos and I hadn’t finished?
I think there would be an involuntary muscular spasm that would complete the process.
But people who shoot themselves in the head have rigor mortis come on immediately because of the shock to the brain.
Are you likely to shoot yourself in the head while sitting on the toilet?
Probably not.
Then you have nothing to worry about.
But there might be a shock to my brain when I die causing rigor mortis to come on immediately. I saw it on ‘Columbo.’
It’s very, very unlikely to happen that you die in that precise way while you’re sitting on the toilet.
But what if I did?
You have nothing to worry about.
I suppose if I got to the morgue and they realised I’d died on the toilet, in the middle of number twos, toilet interruptus, as it were, they could always get someone to yank it out with a pair of forceps. I don’t want to be embarrassed when I’m dead.
I really think you have nothing to worry about. Honestly I do. Change the subject.
Alright. I heard Silly Sausage took a pot noodle back to the shop the other day. They were a bit stroppy about giving her the money back.
Really?
Yes, so she came back, demanded to speak to the manager, told the manager the pot noodle made her husband ill, said “here’s the pot noodle,” said “here’s my receipt” and said “here’s all the sick I put in this carrier bag to prove it made my husband ill and if you look in the bag you can clearly see that, whereas that is beer and crisps, that there is definitely a noodle and that there is a pea. Now, can I have my money back?”
And did she get her money back?
Absolutely. Tip for all consumers. If you experience problems getting your money back, bring them the sick. Works every time.
Well, that seems an appropriate moment to say goodnight. By the way, dinner is fruit curry followed by pot noodle. Just kidding.
O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 