Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
And we’d like to welcome you all to our first anniversary special.
Yes, it was last September that we started telling you all about our lovely little village of Upton Went.
Of course, we could tell you something every day, but we chose from the start to give you a weekly round-up of what’s new in Upton Went because we want you to have quality and frankly we need the rest of the week to unwind because some very strange things happen in Upton Went.
Now, as you’ll remember, this past week has been a very special week for us.
Yes, we’ve just got back from our wedding.
More of that later, but first we wanted to tell you about another wedding because we weren’t the only couple getting married in Upton Went this week.
Yes, the head of the Upton Went Tennis Club married a Russian female tennis player, Maria Clitova and said “If I’d known she came in bed as loud as she plays tennis, I’d never’ve bothered.”
It’s no joke, he needs earplugs in bed.
Now, you may well say “why didn’t they ‘make the beast with two backs’ as Shakespeare sensitively put it before they got spliced?” Why didn’t they have a ding dong before they did the ding dong number in church? Well, she’s a staunch member of the orthodox church, so no ice cream before she gets the wafer!
He said he wishes he’d listened to what his mother said.
What did his mother say?
He doesn’t know. He never listened, but it’s put him off Wimbledon for life.
Talk about “new balls, please!”
Anyway, about our big day. Whisky Tango Foxtrot was our best man and Fango his pet tiger was a bridesmaid. We hired a vintage Rolls Royce from Dick Wiggling for the day. We had a choice. He also had a 1982 Oldsmobile that was driven through a wall on ‘Dempsey & Makepeace’ in 1986, so we said no to that and a Bentley that was regularly hired by Jennie Bond when she was a Royal correspondent, but as Apple said she couldn’t stand her, we said no to that too. We had Flash Gordon to do the photographs. He was excellent.
We couldn’t make up our minds who should wear the wedding dress, or if either of us should because we were determined not to be held by gender stereotypes and we neither believe in pseudo-macho cobblers or pseudo-feminist machismo, whatever all that means, so we decided it was very liberating if we both wore the wedding dress, but we kept the veils up, otherwise we wouldn’t know who the hell was talking.
Kiri de Canopener sang at the ceremony. She sang ‘I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing’ while drinking a Coco-cola, ‘Always Look On the Bright Side of Life’ and ‘In the Mood’ which was very clever because it doesn’t have any words. Silly Sausage and Camp Freddie did the flowers, which was very brave of Camp Freddie because he suffers with hay fever. And we had the Reverend Archie Farcnad doing the service, even though we didn’t want a church do.
No, we hired the manor house for the ceremony and the grounds for the reception. It all once belonged to Sir Learnalot and Lady Yawnalot, Upton Wentalot.
Everyone was invited and everyone came. We had a buffet in marquees which Algernon thought were UFOs. Everyone decided to bring something for the buffet as a wedding present. They were all there, Sy & Phyllis, the Rods & the Mockers, who played during the buffet, Chlorine Doreen, Nosey Bonk, Gordon, Gladys Platt, Art Steeker, Walter Gate, Dr. Aspirin, Foot-in-mouth Denise, Wilfrid B. Cribbins, Davros in his mobility scooter, Shovel-it Sid, Nina Naughtie, Susie Myrical, Timmy Tadpole, Seamus Pike, Tattie McIntosh, Big Bad Bovver Sheila, Miserable Les & his wife, Patsie brought plonk from the Silly Cow, Yvonne Gingerly, Mike & Mandie Cods-wallop, Botox Betty, with her latest face, Katarina & Nicos, from Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant, Hylda Picklethwick, Tattie Fashion-sense, Lugless Douglass, Sue Doku, who came and did another fiendish one during the ceremony, Gory Gabby, Suitcase Sam, Saddlesore Sally, Margery Joan Hooper-Bargery, Rudolf Nearenough, who danced the Nutcracker Suite from Carmen, well that’s near enough, Dan Dan the Spandex Man, who came on his bike as usual, Martin Wellbourne, Jason Bubble, Estella Caste, Hildegarde Withers & her husband, Percy, Christmas Carol, Banana & Pineapple Smith and Granny Smith.
Lady Gaga Williams & Flossy Follyfoot Effingham-Smythe provided a pony and trap to take us from the manor house to the marquee, which pleased Shovel-it Sid no end.
And Larry & Barry, Eric, Eric & Eric Moleturd, Mavis Jollybottom & John Yogi Bear all chipped in to pay for a hot air ballon, which flew us all over Upton Went and while we were flying around the Four Skins sang their latest number.
No idea what it was like or even what it was called because we never heard it, thankfully.
When we came back down to earth again everyone cheered.
Altogether it was a wonderful day. Everyone had a marvellous time.
As we drove off Fango was chasing after the Reverend Archie Farcnad, Algernon was chasing after the marquee and Big Bad Bovver Sheila was chasing after Kiri de Canopener.
Anyway, it’s been a long day, but it’s been a very special day, so we’d better go now. Thank you for all your best wishes and support and we’ll see you next week.
O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 