Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
And we’ve just got back from Wally Wanka’s Sweet Emporium, where anything can happen. He comes up with all these amazing recipes and makes very special sweets and chocolates. At Wally Wanka’s Sweet Emporium you can not only get Ma’s bars, you can get Pa’s bars too, for the sake of equality.
His wine gums have got real vintage wine in them.
His smarties really do make you smart by increasing your intelligence for up to eight hours after eating them. That’s probably why our lovely little village of Upton Went has the best exam results in the country.
Whisper bars really do lower the volume of your voice.
And, as regular customers, Wally Wanka asked us to try out his latest invention, Mood Sweets, reputed to literally alter your personality.
So, we’re going to try out this experiment right now.
We certainly are. Wally Wanka asked us to record our observations, so what better way?
Right, I’m going to start by eating a red one.
And I’ll observe what happens.
Right, I’m chewing. No change appears to be happening yet.
Perhaps you need to swallow.
Maybe, but, as the Reverend Archie Farcnad said last Sunday, just because you ask a prostitute for oral sex on March 2lst doesn’t make it the first swallow of spring.
Oh, that’s rude!
Oh, yes it is, isn’t it? I wouldn’t normally say something like that.
Perhaps that’s what red one do, they make you rude.
They might do, but just because a person’s name is Peter File, it doesn’t make it embarrassing if he heads an inquiry into misconduct at a care home.
Oh, that’s even ruder!
Oh, yes it is, isn’t it? I would never think such a thing, would I?
These red ones are potentially dangerous.
Yes, they are, but what I don’t understand is how two very morbidly obese people manage to have sex. How can they possibly get that close. Do they use a turkey baster?
Oh, that’s even ruder again!
Oh, yes it is, isn’t it? I’d never say such a thing, although I have wondered.
Have a green one, quick, before you say anything else rude.
O.K, I’m chewing.
Good. I’ll write down for Wally Wanka that red ones are lethal and should not be sold to anyone over eighteen, if at all.
I wonder what the green ones do.
So do I, but surely it can’t be worse that the red ones.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says “does this taste funny to you?”
Was that the green ones?
No, that was me. I was trying to lighten the tension.
Don’t confuse me. We must do this scientifically.
But what’s the point of doing it scientifically when science says the world’s going to end and we’re all going to die?
Oh, that’s depressing.
Oh, yes it is, isn’t it? I wouldn’t normally talk like that, would I?
Perhaps the green ones make you say depressing things.
Maybe, but what does it matter when the oil’s running out, there isn’t enough food to feed the world and sea levels are rising?
Oh, that’s even more depressing.
Oh, yes it is, isn’t it? I would never think of such things, not me.
Have a pink one before you depress us all to death.
O.K, I’m chewing.
I’ll tell Wally Wanka that green ones should only be sold to scientists, ecologists and pop stars.
I wonder what the pink ones do.
So do I, but it can’t be worse than the red and green ones. Why are you taking all your clothes off?
Well, that does it! I’m going to tell Wally Wanka that, unless he wants to sell them to adults only, to break the ice at naughty parties, he should burn the recipe immediately.
Are you really sure Wally Wanka should burn the recipe?
Yes, I definitely think he should burn the recipe. I’m going to tell him tomorrow. Afterwards.
After what?
After you give me another of those pink ones!
Oh, you are awful, but I like you.
We’ll see you again next week, when we’ve come back down to earth.
O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 