Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
Now, last week we were telling you all about John and Dave, but we didn’t get round to telling you anything about Derek, who married John’s ex-wife Joan and Dave’s ex-wife, Davina.
Not both at once, obviously.
Now, Derek has a brother, Eric.
And Derek and Eric grew up in Berwick-on-Tweed.
And Eric used to be a vicar, so he was Eric the cleric from Berwick.
So, Eric became an actor instead and toured around the country in a play about John Merrick, commonly known in some circles as the Elephant Man.
Eric played Merrick in Berwick, so he became known as Merrick Eric from Berwick.
Meanwhile, Derek worked in a travelling funfair on the Ferris Wheel, so he became known as Ferrick Derek from Berwick.
And it’s while Derek was travelling with the funfair that he met Joan and Davina.
When Derek got married the first time Eric was still a cleric, so Eric married Derek, so to speak.
When Derek got married the second time Eric was no longer a cleric, so he was Derek’s Best Man instead.
Eric was an actor by then and he had to fit in being Derek’s Best Man on a Saturday between the matinee and evening performances of the play of Elephant Man, John Merrick.
So, Derek has John Merrick, the Elephant Man in all his wedding photographs.
And the organist at the wedding had to play a longer-than-usual rendition of the Wedding March because Eric took so long to walk down the aisle in character.
On top of that his bride hadn’t been told that Eric was coming in full make-up as John Merrick, the Elephant Man, so when she took her veil off she screamed the place down until he said it’s alright, it’s me, Eric.”
As Eric was something of a method actor he never quite got out of the part of John Merrick, the Elephant Man, after that.
And, during his Best Man’s speech at the reception, he got his memorised speech mixed up with his memorised lines and declared proudly at the top of his voice “I am not an animal, I am not an Elephant, I am a human being!”
Which got a round of applause, by the way.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only awkward moment during the wedding.
Derek’s three cousins, Huwey, Dewey & Louis, were in a ‘Dr. Who’ at the same time and they couldn’t get out of costume either.
And so all the wedding photographs have three Cybermen in the background as well, smiling!”
Now, Derek was on the phone chatting to John and Dave the other night and he was bemoaning the fact that Britain has a general election coming up in May and he doesn’t want to vote for any of them because, as he so eloquently put, “they’re all a bunch of fecking gobshites,” to put it mildly.
So, John and Dave said “if that’s how you feel, why don’t you stand as an independent candidate and show them how it’s done?”
He had a long, hard think about it for five seconds and then said “I will.”
And off he went to write an election manifesto.
Derek has now filled out all the forms and written his election manifesto and is prepared to enter into negotiations to form “a coalition of the willing and able” if he holds the balance of power at the next election.
He’s called his party Abigail’s Party, partly in tribute to Demis Roussos, but also because Abigail was an old phrase meaning slave and Derek believes, as do we all in the lovely little village of Upton Went, that we should be freed from the dictates of allegedly democratic governments who, nevertheless suppress freedom of speech when they see it in their best interests to do so.
We’ll be having a copy of Derek’s manifesto by next week, so we’ll tell you all about the Abigail’s Party next week.
Until then, have a good week and we’ll see you next time.
O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 