Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
Are you fed up with junk mail?
Does your e-mail consist of spam, spam, spam, egg, sausage and spam, spam, beans and spam, spam, spam, spam, egg, beans, spam and spam?
Bad luck.
But wait, all is not lost.
There is no need to get your knickers in a twist.
Or your pants in a paddy.
Or your bra in a bar-room brawl.
Because junk mail can be your friend.
For instance, if your house is on fire at the same time as your mail is delivered, you can use your junk mail to smother the flames..
Or if you are being attacked by a 40-foot long boa constrictor, you can use your junk mail to stuff down its throat so it’ll be so full it won’t be able to eat another thing for several weeks.
And what’s more junk mail will work on other lengths of boa constrictor as well.
Or if you bend down to pick up the junk mail and you slip a disc, you can arrange the junk mail in the form of a small set of steps, so you can straighten yourself up again.
How many times has this happened to you?
You get up in the morning.
You bend down to pick up the mail.
You are about to curse the senders of all that junk mail, when suddenly you feel your bowels move violently.
What a blessing all that junk mail will then be.
And should you be constipated, you have something short and disposable to read while you’re sitting there waiting for nature to take it’s course.
Caution is required in using junk mail with too much colour printing for this purpose, as rectal infections may result.
And caution is required if using glossy junk mail, as slippage may result.
Political leaflets are particularly useful for this purpose.
Alternatively, you can make a nice story out of your junk mail.
Take this example of ours.
“Hungry & Homeless?” asks a charity.
“Stay Independent in the Home You Love” counters a manufacturer of stairlifts.
“Struggle to Get In & Out of Your Old Bath?” asks the makers of a walk-in shower.
“Read in More Comfort” counters the makers of freestanding reading lamps.
“Fed up of travel delays” asks a travel agent.
“Over Fifties Specialist Travel Insurance” offers an insurance company, should you find yourself hitting your fiftieth birthday while waiting for your flight to be called at the airport.
“Why You Could Be Better Off Prepaying Your Funeral Costs” challenges a funeral director cheekily.
“Get a New Lease of Life” counters a manufacturer of bamboo food supplements.
And with funeral directors having no pandas as clients in the past decade, bamboo food supplements might prove to be a good idea.
Although, as pandas have never been known to eat cheeseburgers, hotdogs and peanut butter, its advice might be apocryphal.
Well, it’s time for us to go and phone a plumber to unblock our bathroom because of all the junk mail now.
Only kidding.
Yes,it’s the letterbox that’s blocked up, so we’re going to give the front door a colonic.
Have a great week and we’ll see you again next time. Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.
O.K., goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 