Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
And there were a couple of little old ladies in the snug in the ‘Silly Cow’ the other evening.
And their conversation went something like this:-
“Are you going?”
“What?”
“Put your hearing aid on.”
“Eh?”
“Your hearing aid.”
“I can’t hear you with the background noise.”
“That’s other people chatting, like we are.”
“It’s all these other people chatting that does it.”
“That’s why you need to put your hearing aid on.”
“It’s no good, I’ll have to put my hearing aid on.”
“Can You Hear Me Now?”
“There’s no need to shout, I’m not deaf.”
“Yes, you are deaf. That’s why you need the hearing aid.”
“I don’t need it all the time, I only need it if I want to listen to something.”
“I was talking to you.”
“Were you? I couldn’t hear you without my hearing aid.”
“You knew we were coming here tonight. Why didn’t you have it on?”
“I want to conserve the batteries.”
“But you couldn’t hear me.”
“You weren’t saying anything.”
“Yes, I was.”
“Well, I didn’t hear you.”
“That’s because you didn’t have your hearing aid on.”
“I was round at Mrs. Beams’ place last night. She had the television on. I don’t know why she bothers. she only watches 2 programmes, ‘This Is Your Life’ and ‘The 9 O’clock News. She doesn’t know half the people on the one and she doesn’t know any of the people on the other.”
“So what was on?”
“Well, ‘This Is your Life’ came on. Now, she knows I get a kick out of watching ‘This Is Your Life’ for the look on their face and I could’ve blessed she when she switched it off and said ‘I don’t know him, Cissie, let’s have a nice chat instead. so, of course, I had to listen to ‘er all night. I don’t know why I go.”
“Then don’t go anymore.”
“Oh, she’d only shrivel up and get lonely if I don’t come and keep her company once a week.
“Why didn’t you ask her to put ‘This Is Your Life’ back on?”
“Well, it’s her television, so I don’t like to interfere. It was the same at the Women’s Meeting outing. I go on the coach and Mrs. Friston saw me and pointed to the spare seat next to her and I was about to sit next to Mrs. Friston when this little voice pipes up ‘I’ve saved a seat next to me for you, Cissie’ and I looked down it was Mrs. Beams. Oh, I could’ve blessed she. I thought it’s bad enough I’m going to get stuck with she all day, the least she could do was let me sit where I like and have a bit of a conversation on the coach’ I don’t know why she goes. she does the same thing every time. she gets off the coach, finds the nearest bench and sits there until it’s time to get back on the coach. so, of course, I have to sit with she and do nothing all day too.
“What about when she needs to go?”
“It’s the only time we have a change of scenery. Last year Mrs. Friston came along with Liz Hutchins and said “Oh, Hello, Cissie, we’re going for a walk down the front. D’you want to come?” I did fancy a walk down the front, but Mrs. Beams pipes up and says ‘Oh, it’s a bit windy, I think I’ll stop here.’ so, of course, I had to stop there with her. Oh, I could’ve blessed she.”
“Are you going then?”
“Going where?”
“Home with me for a cuppa and a slice of cake.”
“Aye, why not?”
And it’s time we were off for a cuppa tea as well.
Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.
OK, goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 