APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week, to the tune of ‘The Wheels On the Bus,’ let’s look at some of the oddities about people on public transport.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

Round and round.

Round and round.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

All day long.

The people on the bus go text, text, text.

Text, text, text.

Like a pest.

The people on the bus go text, text, text.

All day long.

The phones on the bus go click, click, click.

Click, click, click.

Makes you sick.

The phones on the bus go click, click, click.

All day long.

The people on the bus play games, games, games.

Games, games, games.

Some do, yes.

The people on the bus play games, games, games.

All day long.

The nutter on the bus might sit by you.

Sit by you.

Saying “Moo!”

The nutter on the bus might sit by you.

All day long.

The mouths on the bus go blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

The mouths on the bus go blah, blah, blah.

All day long.

Someone on the bus can’t find their change.

What a berk.

Get off and walk.

Someone on the bus ain’t got no change.

Go away.

The people on the bus are very odd.

Very odd.

Daft old bods.

The people on the bus are very odd.

Trains are worse.

The people on the trains are all insane.

All insane.

Out of date.

The people on the trains are all insane.

Why not walk?

The people in cars are very sick.

Very sick.

Very thick.

The people in cars are very sick.

Why not walk?

The people who walk stay fit, fit, fit.

Fit, fit, fit.

Just a bit.

The people who walk stay fit, fit, fit.

All day long.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Tell everyone of the daft conversation we had the other night.

Which one?  We have so many these days.

The one about how you felt.

Felt?  I feel with my fingers.  What’s daft about that?

No, the feeling you had inside.

Inside where?

Inside!

Oh, INSIDE!  Got you.

Go on, then.

Well, it all started a few nights earlier, when I said I felt funny.  Not depressed exactly and not ill.  Just “off” in some way.

And then?

I eventually found a form of words to describe how I felt, so if I felt the same way again I could use the same form of words to describe it.

Then a few nights later we had this conversation.  Go on.  Tell ’em.

“You remember the other night I felt funny?”

“Yes.”

“And you remember how I described it?”

“Remind me.”

“I can’t.”

Why can’t you?”

“I’ve forgotten.”

“Forgotten what?”

“What I said a few nights ago.”

“Well, tell me again.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t remember what I called it.”

“Called what?”

“How I felt.”

“I’m not with you.”

“Well, a few nights ago I felt funny and I said I didn’t know how to explain how I felt and eventually I found a way of explaining how I felt so I could explain exactly how I felt if I felt like it again.  Well, now I feel like it again and I can’t explain how I feel because I can’t remember how I put it the other night and if I could remember how I put it the other night I could explain how I feel now because I feel the same way, but I can’t explain how I feel now because I can’t remember how I put it the other night and all I know is that I feel funny and I feel just like I felt the other night, but I can’t remember how I explained how I felt the other night so I can’t explain how I feel now and if I could remember how I explained how I felt the other night I could explain how I feel now, but I can’t because I don’t.  See?”

“Can you repeat that?”

“Yes.”

“Please don’t.  Tell me how you feel funny now.”

“I can’t because I can’t remember what I called it the other night and if I could remember what I called it the other night I could tell you how I feel funny now, but I can’t because I can’t remember what I said the other night and if I could remember I could tell you how I feel now, but I can’t because I can’t remember.

“Well, let’s start from scratch.  Think of how you’d describe how you feel now.”

“OK.”

“So, how d’you feel now?”

“Actually, I feel fine.”

“What?”

“I think talking it over has done me the world of good.  Thanks a lot.”

It’s good to talk!

Indeed it is, but it’s time for us to go now.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this is what Brian Maggot had to say in his ‘Maggot Patch’ column in ‘The Upton times’ on Thursday June 21st about events reported on the British media the previous day.

“This is Brian Maggot reporting from ‘The Maggot Patch.’  Today is the summer solstice.  The Longest Day.  Yet it can’t be long enough for those responsible for at least 456 deaths, possibly as many as 854.  It also ends a longest day of fighting to be heard from the families of the killed.  Yesterday became the first day of justice.”

“Dateline Gosport.  A place overlooked by every tourist map since one Roman said to another, ‘Hey, dude, this looks like a crazy, mixed-up scene to invade in AD43,’  lying as it does across the water from England’s Hawaii, the Isle of Wight and nowhere near Liverpool.”

“Yet it was in Gosport that between 456 and 854 killings took place at the War Memorial Hospital between 1989 and 2000.”

“They say it can’t happen now.  They’d better be right because no-one has ever been brought to justice.”

“How did this happen?  Hospital records read ‘Please Make Comfortable.’  Possibly a euphemism for different wording.  You decide.  They were elderly.  They were pumped full of Diamorphine.  And then they died of a drugs overdose.”

“Because Diamorphine is a medical euphemism for Heroin!”

“Officially they all died of ‘a large dose of opiods for no apparent medical reason.”

“I think my old friend, Carl Kolchak, between chasing a vampire in Las Vegas and a 144-year-old man in Seattle, would call it ‘coldblooded murder,’ but Carl Kolchak always would and he was often proved right.”

“These were not ill people who died.  One man had a dislocated shoulder.  He died 5 days later!”

“In the United States we have Medicare.  We pay for our healthcare.  That gives us a contract between doctors and clients.  If doctors SNAFU we screw them in court.”

“But the British have the National Health Service.  It is state-run, so there is no clear contract and no accountability if SNAFUs happen and they cover up all wrongdoing.”

“The NHS is Obamacare Minus Minus!”

“In 1991 a nurse reported irregularities.  She was ignored.  In the 2000s the NHS had an inquiry and did nothing.  Their inquiry paralleled a Woodentops inquiry, which also did nothing.  An academic wrote a report in 2003.  It was sat on for 10 years by the government.  In 2010 one doctor only was blamed, but not struck off, or brought to court to answer these irregularities.  Finally a report laid this nest of vipers open yesterday.”

“Doctors covered up.  Nurses covered up.  Politicians covered up.  Coroners covered up.  Woodentops covered up!  If Quincy ME was alive today, he’d spin in his grave and then order a second autopsy!”

“The NHS is 70 this year.  Most people are retired by the time they’re 70.  Maybe this blooksucking behemoth of another age should be retired too and replaced with a fully-accountable private system where if they screw up, you know exactly who to screw right back and many eager lawyers will show you how.”

“This is Brian Maggot signing off from ‘The Maggot Patch’ and leaving you with an important thought.  At what point did Shipman turn from a SNAFU to a serial killer?  At what point will this no longer be just hundreds of SNAFUs?”

We know that Brian Maggot would like you all to support those hundreds of families and help ensure they all finally get justice.  You can read more in the British national newspapers online from Thursday, June 21st onwards.

Stop and think and try to convince yourself ‘it could never happen here.’  Medicare may not be perfect, but it sure doesn’t produce serial killers.  One woman even described body bags 6 thick in the morgue in a scene out of the Holocaust.  It has moved us deeply.  Truly this was  ‘Holocaust Hospital’ and the Reverend Archie Farcnad wants us to add that those hundreds of families are in his prayers daily and that he prays also for justice.

It’s time for us to go now, but we’ll see you again next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were talking to Hildegarde Withers the other day.

As you will remember, in January Whiskey Tango Foxtrot was telling us he was swearing off all doctors, instead of swearing at them and was changing his diet macrobiotically.

We do the same.

Make the switch to Macrobiotics, the Japanese art of food as medicine and you won’t regret it!

Your body will love you for the rest of your life.

And the rest of your life will be a lot longer.

Christian Scientists are not macrobiotic, but do not permit doctors, unless a bone is broken, or a wound needs stitching.

They may well be doing themselves a favour, but it’s not all a matter of prayer.

It’s also a matter of the power of common sense.

Anyway, Hildegarde Withers says that she and her husband, Percy, are going to do the same thing.

What brought this on?

We’ll tell you.

Percy has ME and Hildegarde Withers went to the GP to sort out a  SNAFU because “the computer’s not working properly!”

“Ever heard of brains?” was her reaction to this latest SNAFU.

This GP, who was temporary in every sense of the word, looked at Percy’s symptoms on the computer, then he looked at Percy’s prescriptions on the computer, then he did a very stupid thing.

Did he ask Hildergarde Withers the nature of her husband’s complaint?

He did not.

Did he consult his records to find out her husband’s complaint?

He did not.

He did a very stupid thing, that doctors do all the time, but never admit it.

He guessed!

And his guess was so wide of the mark as to make any sane person question the validity of so-called modern medicine.

What was his guess?

Dementia!

I ask you, for fornication’s sake, how wrong can a person be?

How can anyone be such a fornicating vagina as to confuse fatigue with senility?

Doctors bury their mistakes!

Don’t be one of them!

Never accept anything a doctor says on face value.

Never allow a doctor to perform exploratory surgery.  That’s like inviting a rapist into your body.

If ever there was a term saying “I don’t know what I’m doing, so sign this, so you can’t sue me, it’s exploratory surgery.

Case in point.  Look up a 1975 ‘Play For Today’ from the BBC.  It was about a real case of a woman going into hospital for “routine surgery” not connected with her womanly bits.

She was in tears when her husband visited her.

Why?

Because the male surgeon had “taken everything away” in the womanly sense.  Not because of infection, but because she was past the menopause and he wanted to save money “in case there was an infection in later life.”

She didn’t feel a proper wife anymore.

Don’t let that happen to you, or anyone you love.

 

D – Don’t.

O – Openly.

C – Co-operate.

T – Think.

O- Or.

R – Repent at your leisure.

 

We love you all.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And, depending on where on Earth you are, or what planet you might be observing the Earth from, you might be wondering what is happening in deepest, darkest Wiltshire, where strange doings are afoot in the town of Salisbury, in the bottom left-hand corner of England, just above Cornwall and just below Stonehenge.

And you might be thinking what planet alleged Prime Minister, Theresa Maynot, is on at the moment.

Is everything in Salisbury plain?

Brian Maggot had this to say recently in his ‘Maggot Patch’ column in the ‘Upton Times’ in our lovely little village of Upton Went:-

This is Brian Maggot reporting from ‘The Maggot Patch.’

On Sunday March 4th a Russian man and his daughter were found in a comatose state on a bench in Salisbury in Wiltshire.

They had not been knocking back too much vodka over lunch.  According to the British government they were poisoned by a nerve agent.

Having had experience of chemical and bacteriological weapons, I said to everyone at the office “I bet he was working at Porton Down and had an accident..  If they say it’s a nerve agent it’s probably an accident at Porton Down and if they refuse to name the nerve agent I would say it was definitely an accident at Porton Down.

And guess what?  The following day it was announced at a press conference that it was a nerve agent and that they know which one, but they are refusing to say.

Bingo!

And what happened next?

Russia was immediately blamed by the government.

But hold on one cotton-picking minute.  Hold the war!

Porton Down is only 7 miles from Salisbury.  He lived in Salisbury, 7 miles from Porton Down.

Are we staring at a government cover-up of an accident at Porton Down?  Is this Downgate?

Let’s examine the evidence.

Was Russia contacted for comment before they were blamed?

They were not, 23 diplomats were given a week to get out.

Have the whereabouts of the Russian man since coming to England in 2010 been divulged?

They have not.

Have the public been told whether he was, or was not, working at Porton Down, suspiciously only 7 miles from where he lived?

They have not.

Have the people of Salisbury been checked out medically, or told not to travel, in case of contamination?

No.  In fact it was a week later before they were told to just, wait for it, wash their clothes.  That would do no good whatsoever!

Why does this matter so much?

Because if the government are indeed covering up an accident at Porton Down the people of Salisbury will see many more cases of cancer over the next 5 years or so.

The public have a right to know if they have been put in danger at any time.

Why would the government not want to admit an accident at Porton Down?

Because it would be as a direct result of cuts in the Ministry of Defense budget.Going to war with Russia is preferable to a politician admitting that their austerity policies have caused something like anthrax to literally leak out.

And note that the army have been immunised against anthrax, which isn’t really possible anyway!

Time will tell.  the truth will come out.  No doubt a whistleblower will come forward.  Please!

This is Brian Maggot signing off from the ‘Maggot Patch.’

Food for thought once again from Brian Maggot.  What we need today is a real-life ‘Doomwatch.’

Look up the 1972 episode ‘Fire and Brimstone,’ that begins with the theft of anthrax from Porton Down and ask yourself “could it really happen here?”

Time for us to go now, but we’ll be seeing you again next week.  Happy times and places.

Yes, say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve been so busy in our lovely little village of Upton Went recently, we haven’t had chance yet to tell you of the lovely Valentine’s Day we had.

Of course we gave each other cards.

Mine to Ginger was of two horses rubbing noses and inside I said that I’d like “horsing around” with Ginger anytime because we’d been talking and making each other laugh the night before.

And mine to Apple was also of two horses and inside I said that I’d enjoy “horsing around” with Apple anytime too.

It’s grand to be daft.

And it’s daft to be grand.

Now let us tell you a little story.

Twenty years ago Apple gave me a chocolate heart and on the icing a message had been written.  I read it as “To my aorta.”  I was rather confused.

It should’ve read “To my doctor” but I dropped it outside!

The reason Apple was saying “To my doctor” was because I had become my own doctor recently, which has led to us following macrobiotic practices for many years since.

Remember that Whiskey Tango Foxtrot was telling you about that a few weeks ago and mentioning Dirk Benedict’s book ‘Confessions of a Kamikaze Cowboy.’

And just as Dirk Benedict talks of blood in his water moving him away from “medical witch doctors” to macrobiotics and becoming well again, so I wasn’t well at the time and was constantly passing blood at the time and moved to being responsible for my own health.  I’m pleased to say the only blood I’ve passed since has been in a butcher’s shop window and I have become more healthy in the last twenty years.

And just as our bodies are healthier, so our minds are healthier also and we both feel younger now than we did twenty years ago.

Of course, Dirk Benedict points out, you can still eat the wrong thing and if you do, your body will reject it, until you adjust your daily intake of food accordingly.

In other words I bought the food for Valentine’s Day and we tried something healthy, but new to us and our bodies were a bit annoyed about it and we needed to put it right straightaway.

Apple bought Rice and Black Beans, which looked like fecal matter when you’ve got too much iron in your system and Chicken Chow Mein, which looked like a dead rubber plant!

Where I went “wrong” was getting a man-made meal, which had additives that are unhealthy, instead of getting the ingredients, but all the main ingredients were healthy.  the problem was that they were very badly mixed together, but with macrobiotics you learn by experimenting on yourself.

True.  We tried half of each, but it was soon clear that Rice and Black Beans plus Chicken Chow Mein equals Egg Fu Yuk!

Often western rip-offs are rubbish compared with the genuine article, but these two combinations of ingredients just weren’t right for us and with macrobiotics we are all different, due to how we were beforehand.

So it was the 50-yard dash for a while and we were very glad our house has three bathrooms!

Then Ginger made me rice with a sweet and sour sauce and then had the same and our stomachs collectively breathed an audible sigh of relief and we felt healthy again.

And we sat down and watched ‘The Chase’ on television.

And we were relieved we weren’t chasing to the bathroom anymore!

And I said to Apple “Twenty years ago it was my aorta.  Today it’s my bowels.  I can’t wait for 2038.”

And I said to Ginger. “I love you from the bottom of my heart.”

And I said to Apple “And I love you from the heart of my bottom!”  Altogether we had a lovely, laughter-filled day.

Remember, if you live macrobiotically you are not a health nut.  That refers to people who go from one fashionable diet to another and never get anywhere.

If you live macrobiotically it means all those others are sickness nuts.

Only be your own patient.

Only be your own doctor.

Only then will you be well.

And it’s time for us to go now, but we’ll see you again next week from our lovely little village of Upton Went, where everyone goes, if they’re nice.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were chatting to Whiskey Tango Foxtrot and he told us he was being his own doctor and making himself better by getting off all prescription drugs.

And it’s working.  He looks better and younger and he sounds better and younger and he feels better and younger.

The ground rules are these:-

Medical “professionals” are nothing of the kind.  They can set bones, stitch wounds, but cannot cure any illnesses.  That power belongs solely with you and the dietary choices.

Medical “professionals” will either try and get away with “exploratory surgery,” which means “I haven’t a clue, can I cut you open and have a look round?”  Your answer is up to you.   Think very, very carefully before you decide!

If medical “professionals” don’t want to treat your body like a goldmine in the gold rush, they’ll have tablets.  These will be the same as used by herbal medicine, but in more concentrated form.  They treat only the symptoms.  They deny your body to cure itself naturally, with the same herbs in your daily diet.

Doctors need you ill, or they lose their jobs!

Pharmaceutical companies need you to be kept ill, so they don’t lose money

The system is all based on money and profits, not you!

You will have a lifetime of worry and bills, unless you use macrobiotics and make your food your medicine and vice-versa.  You know it makes sense!

In ancient China an apothecary was paid by a family to be kept well by their dietary needs.  If someone fell ill, he wasn’t paid until he cured them.  What if so-called medical “professionals” were treated like that now?  Wouldn’t it be fun?

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot had a series of bad dreams as he started to be his own doctor.  They stopped.  He is now at the moment of finishing all medication and replacing it with dietary replacements.  Bad eating will feed a disease.  Good eating will starve the disease because the disease feed off excess protein, salt, sugar, carbohydrates, or any other imbalance.  Everyone has a unique body so all diets will be different.  That’s why someone’s book of ‘one-diet-cures-all’ cures nothing.

The new dream represented his Body and Mind in battle, with his Soul as a spectator.

The Body represents the disease he is destroying through dietary means.

The Mind represents the health and wellbeing through dietary means.

If you remain unhealthy, disease can survive in the Body.  If you remain healthy the disease will be starved of nourishment and will starve to death and Body, Mind and Soul have to live in harmony, with Soul in charge and Body and Mind your lieutenants.

The Body tried to weaponise one of his favourite memories, the end of ‘The Italian Job’ from 1969, with the bus hanging over a cliff.  Obviously the Body felt it was clinging on by its’ fingertips and wanted to be saved from death by a healthy diet.  The Mind wants to kill the disease, the disease wants to Body to eat unhealthy to save it and the Body refuses and wants to kill the disease as soon as possible.

Agatha Christie, Robert Harris and Len Deighton couldn’t have come up with a better thriller plot combined!

In the dream the character, which is Whiskey Tango Foxtrot as Body, wakes up in bed and then finds he is still in the dream.

Eventually he wakes a second time, gets out of bed, goes to the bathroom and looks at himself in the bathroom mirror.  The face is still but then burst into laughter and says “I’ll always have the last laugh!”  That was Whiskey Tango Foxtrot as Mind telling his diseased body it will not win the battle.

His Mind has learnt also to weaponise thoughts of a healthy mind and a body purged of disease, in order to show Whiskey Tango Foxtrot he’s winning.

One last thing.  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot wants t say so much more, but he would like to recommend you read ‘Confessions of a Kamikaze Cowboy’ by Dirk Benedict from ‘Battlestar Galactica’ and ‘The A-Team,’ with the proviso that no two diets can be the same because no two bodies and their imbalances can be the same.

He also wants to send a message of thanks to Dirk Benedict for giving him a perspective on what he was already doing and showing that he wasn’t wasting his time.

And he wanted to end his message by saying “I love it when a plan comes together!”

Amen to that!

It’s time to go now.  See you on the flipside!

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were talking to the Reverend Archie Farcnad the other night about Macrobiotics in relation to the Garden of Eden.

Macrobiotics is eating naturally to become well and stay well.

To avoid excess protein from too much meat.

To avoid excess carbohydrates from too much sugar.

To live off the land and become closer to nature and closer to God, the universe and everything.

Did you know that Gloria Swanson was married to Rudolf Valentino?

Did you know that Rudolf Valentino died of prostrate cancer in 1926 and as a result Gloria Swanson finished with doctors, hospitals and operations and started living according to Macrobiotics?

Years later Gloria Swanson was diagnosed with cancer and just as the doctor assumed she would fall into his arms and beg for exploratory surgery, she refused.

He said she was killing herself.

She told him that it was exploratory surgery, like he was suggesting, that killed her husband in 1926 and that she would return in 2 years’ time to prove he was wrong and she was right to put her faith in Macrobiotics, to starve the tumor to death.

She succeeded and 2 years later returned and dared the doctor to find any trace of the tumor.

He couldn’t and died shortly afterwards, on the golf course, of a heart attack.

He should’ve listened to Gloria Swanson!

Notice the key words.  EXPLORATORY surgery means doctors don’t know what they’re looking for.  They only treat the SYMPTOMS, which mean people are still ill.  Macrobiotics cures the illness by treating the CAUSE, not the symptoms and the cause will be dietary.

So-called “medical professionals” take the Hippocratic Oath.  This is HYPOCRITICAL because Hippocrates treated the cause, while “medical professionals” only treat the symptoms.  It was all different in ancient Greece!

It’s a protection racket worthy of Al Capone.  Treat the symptoms and cut out what you don’t like to stay in, the person takes pills for every ill, the “medical professionals” get rich and the pharmaceutical companies, making pills for every ill, get even richer and give the “medical professionals” kickbacks.  It’s a con, so don’t be fooled!  Be responsible for your own health!

Be wise.  Use this interrogation technique on a “medical professional” of your choice.

Ask what is the cause of your ailment.  They’ll give you a lot of technobabble about latin words for parts of the body.

Press them again about what the cause of your ailment is.

They won’t know.

Then point out that, if they don’t know, you will seek out alternative forms of medicine.

I guarantee they will try everything they can to put you off and they’ll call them “health nuts” and “quacks.”

Then call their bluff and say you’re going to use Macrobiotics.

I guarantee they will become defensive, arrogant and red in the face because if you use Macrobiotics they certainly can’t control you, because you’ll be free!

Then tell them THEY are the one with the problem, NOT YOU and walk out and begin the rest of your life, because it works!  It worked for Gloria Swanson and it worked for Dirk Benedict and it worked for many others, from acne to cancer!  It works!

Then we got talking about Macrobiotics in the Garden of Eden.

It all depends on how we define KNOWLEDGE, SIN and TEMPTATION in the Garden of Eden.

TEMPTATION was being urged to eat the fruit of the Tree of Life.

KNOWLEDGE was eating that fruit.

SIN was what that fruit gave Adam and Eve.  Knowledge of the adrenaline  of eating what they wanted, rather than what they needed.

God had provided everything for Adam and Eve to live without illness forever, because their bodies were perfectly balanced.  The sugar-rush of the forbidden fruit unbalanced their bodies forever and brought SIN into the world, what you want, not what you need.  For Adam and Eve had brought illness and death into the world forever.

With the buzz their brains received from the fruit would lead, down the centuries, to sugar, tobacco, cocaine and murder, all because they wanted to know what it felt like.

That was the KNOWLEDGE God wanted to protect them from.  It was free will.  They failed.  You, on the other hand, could succeed with what we know now as Macrobiotics.  Go on.  Have a go.  You owe it to your mind and body to do so.  Say goodnight to all the nice, healthy people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I'm Apple...

...and I'm Ginger.

Meet Ricky Doodleous.

He wanted to be a poet.

So he researched past famous poets.

And he decided that what they all had in common was alcoholism.

He thought Dylan Thomas may well've thrown up all over you if you went up
to him in a public house and then urinate in the middle of the road on the 
way home, but he would then write marvelous poetry.

And that it was the heavy drinking, vomiting and urinating in the middle of
the road that made the poetry great.

Whereas the reality was all he did when he got home was pass out and then 
put his clothes in the wash and have a bath because he was covered in vomit,
urine and probably far worse.

When he got home he couldn't've written a note for the milkman.

But tell that to Ricky Doodleous!

He was convinced alcoholism was the key to great writing.

So Ricky Dooodleous decided to become an alcoholic.

He went to the library, but couldn't find any books that taught you how to
become an alcoholic.

He was hoping to find 'Alcoholism Made Easy.'

Or 'Alcoholism for Dummies.'

Or 'How to Succeed in Alcoholism & Influence People.'

Or even 'A Hundred & One Ways To Become an Alcoholic.'

But he couldn't find anything.

So he came to the conclusion that alcoholism is like many things in life,
you learn by doing it.

So he went into the Silly Cow and asked Miserable Les what the best-
dressed alcoholics went drinking these days.

And Miserable Les told him "I've no idea, but they're not drinking it in
here, this is a respectable establishment."

And so it was that Ricky Doodleous made the fateful decision to book 
himself into a guest house in the awful little village of Upton Fled.

He went out to the supermarket and bought 2 bottles of everything.

He drank one bottle of everything before going out in the evening for the
hottest curry he could imagine.

The he went back to his digs and drank the other bottle of everything.

In the morning, when he came to, his room looked like a sewer had 
exploded in the middle of it.

Except a sewer hadn't exploded. He had.  Both ends at once.  Not a pretty
sight.

When we visited him in hospital he was feeling much better, still slightly
green about the gills and still needing to sit on a rubber ring, but
definitely on the mend.

And he had to admit that there was no connection between great writing and
great drinking.

We'll drink to that.

But Ricky Doodleous wouldn't.

But as he sat up in bed, looking slightly less green than Kermit the Frog 
and perched on his rubber ring, he said this.

"I wanted to write, but I only got tight, I've got it all wrong, but I
thought I was right.  I drank far too much and had an horrendous curry,
But instead of making me write it only made me hurry, To the nearest
sink."

And he looked at us.

And we looked at him.

And he said "I was already a poet and I didn't know it."

You'll be pleased to know Ricky Doodleous is on the mend and now works for
the AA.

Because the RAC didn't want him.

We'll see you again next time.

Yes, say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.



 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi,  I'm Apple...

...and I'm Ginger.

And we were telling you last week that Walter Gate had popped in with his latest 
conspiracy theory.

Now, Walter Gate is not alone.  He now has a group of supporters to do research,
lobby, protest and generally get to the bottom of things that have bottoms that
someone should get their hands on and give them a good seeing to.

They're called Doomwatchers.

Now, Walter Gate and the Doomwatchers sounds like someone who's about to launch 
their latest album, but the Four Skins have nothing to worry about because that's
not what Walter Gate and the Doomwatchers do.

In recent months the Doomwatchers have all been to see their GPs.

Remember, Walter Gate is a Doctor.  He had heard that "bogus" referrals were being
made for ailments there are government targets for, such as cancer, diabetes,
asthma and so on and so forth.

He told the Doomwatchers to go to their GPs and complain of symptoms that broadly
could be cancer.

These included unexplained weight loss, vomiting, diarrhea and blood in urine.

This is not in any way to hurt anyone with cancer, you understand.  That is not
the point, as you will see.

In all cases the Doomwatchers were referred to a local hospital for cancer 
screening, without looking at the obvious, like chronic fatigue, nervous
exhaustion and many other conditions that will show these symptoms.

The point is that the GP's eyes lit up, cancer appeared in neon lights on  
their forehead and they jumped to the same conclusion.

Or did they?

Walter Gate doesn't believe any GPs made any mistakes, he feels the referrals
were made for financial reasons.

To explain - The Department of Health pays GPs a referral fee to encourage cancer
referrals and the same with diabetes, asthma and so forth.

Problem - If the number of referrals drops or does not rise in any given year,
the capital is reduced.

Bigger problem - In order to keep capital from referrals up, referrals must 
keep on rising.

Conclusion - every time someone might have cancer, they do.

Except, when they get the results of the cancer screening, they have nothing  
of the kind.
The GP says "it's better to be safe than sorry."

The daft patient says "yes, it is."

And, at the end of the day, they get the money.

And you have the worry.

You have the pain.

They have the gain.

Needless to say, Walter Gate was furious.

He complained in person to all the GPs responsible and the respective hospitals.

They completely failed to reassure him and his Doomwatchers that things would 
change.

Never one to suffer fools gladly, Dr. Walter Gate told them all, one by one, in
no uncertain terms "clearly you have never heard of the 3 'r's in dealing with
complaints.

"One - rebuild confidence."

"Two - Resolve the situation."

"Three - Repair relationships."

"Obviously you don't know your 'r's from your elbow!"

Then he left and pointed out they were also a pain in the sphincter.

What Walter Gate and the Doomwatchers want you to know is this, don't be one of
the "worried well."

If you're well, you'll feel well and don't be worried into thinking otherwise.

And if you are unwell, be it cancer, diabetes, asthma, or whatever, take control
and don't have treatments you don't want.  It's your life and it's your "quality
of life."  You take the decisions, don't let others make them for you.

And that's what Walter Gate and the Doomwatchers told us about their concerns
about referrals.  They've lobbied the government to replace referral fees with a
set annual fee, increasing annually, to prevent unnecessary referrals that put a
strain on already overstretched hospital services.  Walter Gate would recommend
you lobby the government to do the same.

Anyway, we'll see you next week.  It's time to say goodnight to all the nice
people around the world.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.