APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week, to the tune of ‘The Wheels On the Bus,’ let’s look at some of the oddities about people on public transport.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

Round and round.

Round and round.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

All day long.

The people on the bus go text, text, text.

Text, text, text.

Like a pest.

The people on the bus go text, text, text.

All day long.

The phones on the bus go click, click, click.

Click, click, click.

Makes you sick.

The phones on the bus go click, click, click.

All day long.

The people on the bus play games, games, games.

Games, games, games.

Some do, yes.

The people on the bus play games, games, games.

All day long.

The nutter on the bus might sit by you.

Sit by you.

Saying “Moo!”

The nutter on the bus might sit by you.

All day long.

The mouths on the bus go blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

The mouths on the bus go blah, blah, blah.

All day long.

Someone on the bus can’t find their change.

What a berk.

Get off and walk.

Someone on the bus ain’t got no change.

Go away.

The people on the bus are very odd.

Very odd.

Daft old bods.

The people on the bus are very odd.

Trains are worse.

The people on the trains are all insane.

All insane.

Out of date.

The people on the trains are all insane.

Why not walk?

The people in cars are very sick.

Very sick.

Very thick.

The people in cars are very sick.

Why not walk?

The people who walk stay fit, fit, fit.

Fit, fit, fit.

Just a bit.

The people who walk stay fit, fit, fit.

All day long.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were having a wine-tasting evening at the ‘Silly Cow’ the other night.

Only they forgot the buckets.

And Miserable Les said he wanted no spitting on the floor.

And we all agreed.

As Botox Betty said “What are we, baseball players?”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “We’ll all have to swallow, as the priest said to the tart.”

And Botox Betty said “What sort of tart are you referring to?”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “A strawberry tart. Wouldn’t you swallow a strawberry tart?”

And Botox Betty said “I can’t think about strawberry tarts with all this wine.”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “Well, you brought it up.”

And Botox Betty said “Please don’t say things like that, I feel queasy already.”

And Miserable Les said to Botox Betty “You’re determined to enjoy yourself, you are, love, aren’t you!”

Then we had our first round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a drop of this strawberry wine?” and had a glass himself.

Percy Withers said “A touch sardonic, but not cynical, yes, a most good-humored wine.”

And Hildegarde Withers said “Oh, really?  I rather liked it.”

Then we had our second round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a strop of this ghastly wine?” and had a glass himself.

And Longdistance Len said “I can see from that glass that your horse is very well.”

Then we had our third round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a wiss of this ghostly gwine?” and had a glass himself.

And Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “Best drop of wine since I had ‘Phu Yuk in Thailand.”

Then we had our fourth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a straw of this slippery slime?” and had a glass himself.

And Silly Sausage said “Yes, that’s from ‘Chateau Pissoir’ ’79, left-hand side of the vineyard, third row across, just behind the sewage works.”

And then we had our fifth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a slop of this gectar of the  nods?” and had a glass himself.

And Botox Betty said “I shouldn’t have anymore, really, I’m driving, but this reminds me of…umm…” and she dropped off…her seat.

Then we had our sixth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a gone cool arse of this bloody good plonk? and had a glass himself.

All those still conscious made appreciative noises.

Then we had our seventh round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a horse of this spranking pine?” and had a glass himself.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “Remember, if you hold onto the floor and it doesn’t spin round, your not drunk.”

Then we had our eighth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a glass of whatever the hell this damn label says it is?” and had a glass himself.

Those brave souls still standing nodded sagely, careful not to open their mouths for a while.

Then we had our ninth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like…some of this?” and had a glass himself.

The survivors all nodded carefully.

Then we had our tenth round.  Miserable Les said “Oh, sod it, let’s get pissed!” and had a large glass.

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “In the immortal words of the Psalms ‘And it came to pass…out’ ”

And he did!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And recently we staged our own version of the quaint State Opening of Parliament.

For those who don’t know, the quaint English custom dates back to the 17th century, after they got fed up with Charles I because he was French and chopped his head off.

They also had a civil war and became a republic, under Oliver Cromwell.

Unfortunately, the English felt being a republic was too much like hard work and asked Charles II to be Charles II and he did and he killed Oliver Cromwell.  So much for democracy.  Perhaps this lack of a backbone is why they’re having so much trouble with democracy regarding Brexit now!

Of course, earlier in the 17th century, a group of puritans said to each other “sod this for a game of soldiers, squire” and went to live in America, where, 150 years later, George Washington told the British to get knotted and successfully formed a republic that is now telling the British to hurry up and tell the European Union to get knotted.

The Scottish, of course, wanted to be different and became Canada instead!

Anyway, ever since the 17th century, the State Opening of Parliament has involved a bloke called Black Rod, who is always white, getting the door slammed in his face, having to knock 3 times and telling them what they already know because that’s why they’re all present, that the Queen has arrived.

They then all walk into the House of Lords, which is an old people’s home for average politicians.  The good one’s get another job and the bad ones never get in.  You can work out which is which!

They then listen to The Queen’s Speech, even though it wasn’t written by the Queen.  It was written for the Queen by the Prime Minister.  Then they debate it.  The Scottish and Welsh moan that there’s nothing in it for them, even though they have devolved assemblies, not governments, as they claim.

And nothing ever gets done, until there’s either a general election or a war.

Anyway, back to our much more fun version.

The State Opening of the Front Door After Shopping.

Black Rod Stewart has had the front door slammed shut in his face ever since he came home plastered from the Silly Cow in 1645.

And it’s not easy getting plastered by a quarter to five!

Black Rod Stewart knocks 3 times.

He is answered by a member of the Household Cavalry, so named because he is the Householder.

“Who seeks entry?”

“I do, yer daft bat.”

“Enter, daft bat.”

Then they set forward the bills to be put forward this daily session.

The Tesco bill, the Morrisons bill, the Sainsburys bill, the Asda bill, the Waitrose bill, the Co-op bill and the Marks & Spencer bill.

All these bills will be paid for out of the household purse, in the household handbag.

Then the bills are discussed.

One honourable lady may say “The’ve gone up a lot.”

Another honourable gentleman may say “these packets have got smaller.  One burp and it’s gone!”

While another honourable lady may say “this chocolate tastes different since Kraft bought Cadburys.”

And so the business of the Household continues daily.

And the ship of state continues to sail around the world of life.

Not that it makes any difference when the government has convinced itself the Earth is flat!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And Professor Quiteamess and the Reverend Archie Farcnad were having a chat in the ‘Silly Cow’ the other night about evolution.

And Professor Quiteamess said he felt it was all horsepucky.

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said he knew it was.

And Professor Quiteamess said “The trouble is that I have never got a straight answer from anyone to explain fossils as we have them.”

And the Reverend Archie Farnad said “Then this is your lucky day.”

“Think of all fossils, all over the world, as a snapshot of where everything was at one point in history.”

“All fossils are in dried water.”

“That water is commonly thought of as the Ice Age, but it is, in fact, the waters of the Biblical Flood.”

“Not just the Dinosaurs died that day.  Almost everything died over forty days and nights.”

“The Earth dating mistake comes from calculating the normal annual rate that soil adds to the ground level.”

“Where they go wrong is that they multiply that normal figure by the amount of sediment, so they get a much higher age for the Earth.  They forget, conveniently, that whatever wiped out the Dinosaurs was NOT a normal, regular, event and so will leave much more sediment at one point.”

“And that one point is where all the fossils are.”

“The soil erosion from the Flood was so colossal it left a depth of soil erosion so deep, it gives the false impression that life evolved over millions of years, which is horsepucky, as you said.”

“Let’s get back to that snapshot idea.”

“Lowest are the fish because they were already underwater.”

“Coldblooded animals, such as lizards, were near the water to begin with and so are just above in our snapshot.”

“Warmblooded animals, such as mammals, would be away from water, but would be swept away as the Flood waters increased.”

“Then there would be animals who could climb trees, who would survive that bit longer and so would be that bit higher in our snapshot.”

“Apes would be up in the trees as well, until the Flood waters engulfed the trees.”

“While the trees were being engulfed, the birds would be in the sky, until they fell to the ground, exhausted.

“Last of all, at the top of our snapshot, are humans.  They would’ve built rafts and tried to survive, but would’ve starved to death.”

“So, the snapshot, looked at bottom to top, appears to show the evolution, from the sea to the land, from coldblooded animals to warmblooded animals, from apes to humans, but, in reality, it is a tapestry of where everything was when it died in the Flood.”

And Professor Quiteamess said “Well, all that makes more sense to me than a lot of theories I’ve come across over the years.”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “It’s like the ‘Bayeaux Tapestry’ of the Flood.”

“And Professor Quiteamess said “Brilliant!”

Well, that was fascinating, wasn’t it!

Speaking for myself, I’d much rather have Noah for an ancestor, even though I’m not Jewish.

And I don’t want to be related to apes, who scratch their backsides and pick flies off each other.

Although I do like PG Tips tea.

So do I.

D’you know the piano’s on my foot.

You hum it, son.  I’ll play it.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last night we were watching a film with Mum and Dad called ‘The Camp on Blood Island’ made by Hammer in 1957, set in a Japanese prisoner-of-war camp.

And Mum dropped off halfway through and woke up to the line from one of the Japanese “we will take six of the hostages.”

And Mum said “What did he say?”

And it turned out, due to a misunderstanding, Mum thought the Japanese were going to “take six of the sausages!”

And then I said “Take only the beefy ones.”

And then I said the sausages would be “mostly gristle because they had been in a prisoner-of-war camp for three years.”

Later on, the Japanese said “We will take six more sausages.”

And I said “He’s going to take six more sausages.  They won’t have any sausages left at this rate.”

And I said “They would be meatless.”

And I said “Like that other film, based on ‘An Affair to Remember.’

And I said “What other film, based on ‘An Affair to Remember?”

And I said ” ‘Meatless in Seattle.’ ”

And I said “You mean ‘Sleepless in Seattle.’ ”

And I said “Yes, it was quite boring, really.”

Then the war ended, the film finished and we all went off to bed.

And I read the newspapers.

And I read a book on Josef Mengele because we were watching ‘The Boys from Brazil recently.

And later we got into a discussion on whether lightbulbs last longer on or off.

I said they lasted longer off.

And I said, whereas that was irrefutably true if you never turned them on, unless you want to live in darkness at night, they last longer left on during the hours of darkness because I know of a machine that has to be left on permanently, otherwise very expensive components will fail, therefore, constant on and off of lightbulbs caused wear and tear and uses more energy by the ignition every time they go on!

And I pressed his shoulder, like I was switching off a machine.

And I stopped talking mid-sentence , put my head down and stayed that way, motionless.

And I pressed his shoulder again, like I was switching him on again.

And I carried on talking, exactly where I left off, as if nothing had happened.

And I press his shoulder again.

And I switched off again.

And I pressed his shoulder again.

And I switched back on again.

Then I went to the bathroom to get the newsprint off my hands.  Amazing, we can put a man on Mars, but we can’t make newsprint that doesn’t come off when you read a newspaper!

And I came too and said “I seem to have been having this conversation for ages.  It’s like I’m talking and then you’re laughing and I don’t know why.”

And I pressed his shoulder.

And I switched off.

And I pressed his shoulder again.

And I switched on again and I said “It happened again then.  I was talking seriously and then you’re laughing and I don’t know why.”

And I laughed and put my hand on his shoulder and turned to wash my hands, without realising what I’d done and when I turned round I realised I had accidently switched him off again.

So she switched me on again.

And that’s what happens when you’re married to a brilliant actor.

And, unlike most married couples, we definitely know how to turn each other on!

We certainly do!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were discussing silly things that happened when we were children the other day.

And I remembered a science class in my first year in high school.

The teacher, for some unfathomable reason, got a bottle of ammonia out of the store room.

This was probably the same logic by which the army would let off a gas grenade, so everyone knew what poison gas smelled like, so they wouldn’t get gassed, even though they just had been.

If you really want to know what poison smells like, go into a toilet in an Indian restaurant on a Friday night in any British city, after students have spent all evening daring each other to have hotter and hotter curries!

Anyway, the teacher made it clear how to waft the ammonia towards you safely, like the bouquet of a fine wine.

And we’ve smelt wines that smell like ammonia, believe me!

And the teacher pointed out not to poke your nose right in.

But there’s always some idiot who doesn’t listen.

She pointed out “It’ll blow your head off” and for one, it did just that.

Imagine the scene, if you will.  Three long, wooden work spaces, complete with a sink and a bunsen burner each.  One to the right.  One across the back.  One to the left and one for the teacher.

The teacher opens the bottle of ammonia and hands it to me on the right.  I hand it to my right and so forth, until it gets back to the teacher and she puts the top back on and puts the bottle of ammonia away.

On we go with the lesson.

About twenty minutes later the teacher notices a boy is missing in action.

Has anyone seen him go to the toilet?

They have not.

He had been sat on a stool at the back, with two girls on the left and two girls on the right.

Suddenly, the second girl from the right says “He’s down here, Miss.”

We all gathered round the back of the lab.

And there he was. Spark out!

Bright yellow hair.  Bright pink skin, like Neolopitan ice cream, or Battenburg sponge.

How to bring him round?  Ironically, the answer was the same thing that knocked him out because ammonia, wafted under the nose, acts as smelling salts!

He came to, with bright pink eyes.

Apparently, the two girls on the right had a sniff and carried on nattering, he took a big sniff, right up the nose, then the two girls on the left had a sniff and carried on nattering.  No-one saw him go feet up.  No-one heard him go feet up.  He was like that.  You could honestly forget he was in a room.

I wonder what happened to him.

Probably became a chemist!

I also remember a boy who had a cold and reached for what he thought was his dad’s Vic’s Nasal Spray, but was, in fact, his dad’s Superglue.

By the time he got to his right nostril, the glue was very securely stuck up his hooter!

The took him to casualty.  The receptionist said “And what’s your problem, little man?”

And he said “Are you taking the mickey?  I’ve obviously got this glue stuck up me nonk, haven’t I.”

They eventually carved two new nostrils for him.

So, be warned.  Don’t stick any substance, legal, or otherwise, up anywhere, in case you can’t get it out again.

Yes, unlike Theresa May, always have an exit strategy!

Say Goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we had a singalong at the ‘Silly Cow’ the other night with the help of the jukebox and Miserable Les and his wife.

Estella Caste asked for something by Michael Bubble.

Maria Clitova asked for something by Billie Bank Holiday.

Botox Betty asked for something by Kiri Te Canopener.

Saddlesore Sally asked for something by Elephant John.

Yvonne Gingerly asked for something by Charles As-no-voice.

Silly Sausage asked for something by Julio Doubleglasias.

Then Longdistance Len, the retired lorry driver, caused confusion by asking for “Thirty Quid.”

Miserable Les thought he wanted change.

And Longdistance Len said “No, I want something by ‘The Thirty Quid.’ ”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “I think he means the Three Fivers.”

And we said “No, he means the Three Tenners.”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “Well, that’s inflation for you.”

And after we had something by the Three Tenners, we had a break and the Four Skins sang something from their new album, soon to be released on the FGM label.

Then we went back to our singalong with the jukebox.

Cy and Phyllis asked for something by Val Hooligan.

Miles and Mandie Cods-Wallop asked for something by Andrew Preview.

And Miserable Les suggested, to everyone’s agreement, that it should be the special arrangement of Grieg’s Piano Concerto by Grieg, as arranged by Mr. Eric Morecambe, with all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

Continuing the classical theme, Dick Wiggling asked for something by Yehudi Manure, played on his banjo.

Then Digby Quat asked specifically for ‘Cold Finger’ by Shirley Brassy.

Then Anne Archism caused confusion by asking for “Ravioli.”

And Miserable Les brought her a plate of Ravioli.

And she said “No, Lena Revioli.”

Archism by name, archism by simply being scatterbrained.

Chlorine Doreen then asked for something by Adam Adamant, while Miserable Les had a migraine tablet.

Then Soggy Chips, who has recently moved to our lovely little village of Upton Went, asked for “Anything by Golden Wonder.”

And Miserable Les brought him over a selection of Golden Wonder crisps.

And Soggy Chips said “No, I mean anything sung by Stevie Golden Wonder.”

Soggy by name, soggy be being just as scatterbrained as Anne Archism.

Then Mrs. Poddlops asked for something by Cilla Blackhead, while Miserable Les had another migraine tablet.

Then Noseybonk asked for something by Bobby Crushed.

Walter Gate asked specifically for ‘You’re the One That I Want’ by John Revolting and Olivia Newton-Abbot.

Then Miserable Les said there was time for one more.

So we asked for ‘Dance Fever’ from ‘Saturday Night Grease,’ as sung by the Hee Bee Gee Bees.

Then Whiskey Tango Foxtrot came out of the Men’s Room and said “What about Loo Rolls?”

And Botox Betty said “Oh yes, Lou Rawls.  I remember him.”

And Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “No, Loo Rolls.  There’s none in the bog!”

Now that’s a punchline.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And have you ever stopped to wonder what a confusing language English is, if you take it literally?

We have.

The World Wrestling Foundation says that an elephant dies every twenty-six minutes.

So, why doesn’t someone find this accident-prone elephant and stop it dying every twenty-six minutes?

Apparently someone is knocked down by a car every five minutes.

So, why doesn’t someone find this person and keep them indoors, so it stops happening?

A child starves every twenty seconds.

So, find that child and feed it.

Someone calls an ambulance every thirty seconds.

So, find this person, who is obviously a hypochondriac and give them something for it, preferably a one-way ticket to Siberia.

Someone flushes the toilet every ten seconds.

So, they either need a plumber to see to their toilet, or need to see someone about their own personal plumbing.

A homeless person dies every twenty minutes.

So, give them somewhere to live.

A child is born every three minutes.

Either tell her husband to cool it, or tell her to forget she’s a catholic and use the pill because every sperm isn’t sacred, but room on this planet is.

Every day someone dies in front of the television.

So, get them to either switch it off, or move their armchair.

Someone, somewhere, is always eating a Toffee Crisp.

I bet they are.

Someone has sex every ten minutes.

Have a cold shower.

They call it the Great Train Robbery.

But there was, in fact, no loss of train, only money.

They say ‘Keep Death Off the Roads.’

So, drive on the sidewalk.

During World War II there was the French Underground and the Dutch Underground.

But the London Underground is only a lot of electric trains.

The commercials say “Shh, you know who.”

But I don’t know who.

Black people are not black.

They’re brown.  Stop fighting.

White people are not white.

They’re pink.  Stop fighting.

Little green men from Mars are not little, green, or men.

Gay people are often quite unhappy and not happy and gay at all.

Why do vegetarians eat plants, when they kill them by eating them just as much as animals.

Tell them “No, I don’t agree with vegetarians because I refuse to eat the carcasses of dead plants” and then give them a copy of ‘The Day of the Triffids.’

If all religions pray to the same God, why are there any religions.  Stop fighting.

Both Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day.  Stop fighting.

When ET phoned home, did he reverse the charges?

How can anyone still like Theresa May?

And why is a mouse when it spins?

Never could work that one out, I think I need a lie down.

I’ll join you.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last Saturday we were in the ‘Silly Cow.’

And the television was on.

And on came ‘Dr.Who’ starring Donald Trump as the Doctor.

And he was wearing a long scarf in Republican red.

And he said this:-

“I’m gonna make the universe great again.”

“Which is great.”

“I’ve saved the universe from the Daleks, which is great.”

“I’ve got lots of really great companions.”

“They’re all really, really great, which is great.”

“And I’m great because I’m the Doctor.”

“I said to the Daleks ‘Don’t you go sending anymore rockets off from Skaro because, if you do, anything could happen.’ ”

“And the Daleks stopped sending up rockets, which is great.”

“And I said to the head Dalek ‘If you wanna talk, we can talk.’ ”

And the Daleks said ‘Yeah, let’s talk,’ which is great for Americans and great for the whole world, right?”

“And I met with the head Dalek.”

“And the head Dalek, he’s a really great guy.  Really, really great guy.”

“And this head Dalek, he’s got a limited vocabulary, like Hillary Clinton.  I mean, they both say ‘Exterminate’ a lot, right?”

“And I said to this head Dalek, who’s a really, really great guy by the way, if you’re tuning in, I love you lots, ‘Look, I beat Hillary Clinton, who’s really a plastic-faced Auton and I beat the fake news of the Cybermen and I beat all those Sontarons in the White House press corps, so, who loves ya, baby, I can beat you too, right?’ ”

“And this head Dalek, you know, he’s waving his arms around and he’s getting all defensive and he’s saying ‘Ooh, please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, I didn’t mean all the things I said about you during the campaign.’ ”

“And I told this head Dalek if he stopped launching rockets at the Thals, we could get rid of our sanctions.”

“And he was going “Ooh, please don’t kill me, I didn’t mean the Thals any harm.’ ”

“So he stopped launching all those rockets at the Thals on Skaro and he turned out to be a really great guy, which is great.”

“So I saved the universe from the Daleks, which is great because I’m the Doctor and I’m gonna make the universe great again, which is great, right?”

“I mean,when you look at Hillary Clinton and all the rest of those Auton losers, I’ve beaten the Autons and I can beat them again, I’ve created more jobs than the Autons and I’vegot rid of Autoncare.”

“And I’m gonna keep all these aliens away because I’m gonna build a wall.”

“And the wall’s gonna keep the aliens out.”

“And do you know who’s gonna pay for the wall?”

“That’s right, Mexico!  Run by those Mexican Ice Warriors.”

“And we don’t want those Mexican Ice Warriors in America, right?”

“And we don’t want that Mexican Ice in America, right?  We’re gonna keep it out, trust me.”

“Because I’m the Doctor, which is great and I’m gonna make America great again, which is great.”

Then, I think, we woke up.

Although I dunno, though!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Grace.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we went into a pet shop the other day.

I said “Good morning, miss.”

And the person behind the counter said “What d’yer mean, miss?”

And I said “Pardon me, I have a cold.”

And he said “That’s alright, then.  What can I do for you, squire?”

And I said “I’ll tell you what you can do for me.  I bought this Monty Python from this very boutique not half an hour ago and when I got it home it was dead.”

And he said “No, it’s not, it’s resting after a long book-signing tour.”

And I said “It’s not resting, it’s demised.  I bought this here Monty Python for my pet parrot, Eric and he didn’t squawk once.”

And he said “Perhaps you’ve got a dead parrot.”

And I was ready for him and I said “Oh, no you don’t.  We’ve already had a sketch about a dead parrot and you’re not hijacking this one with cheap laughs at the expense of dead parrots.”

And he said “I wasn’t saying your pet parrot, Eric, is dead.  It was a pun.”

And I said “A pun!  Listen, matey.  ‘And now for something completely different.  Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?  Spam, Spam, Spam, egg, bacon and Spam.  I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK!  Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.’  You see?  Nothing!”

And he said “Look, it moved them.”

And I said “No, it didn’t, you nudged its’ cage.”

And he said again “No, it’s just resting.”

And I said “Look matey, I’ve just about enough of this.  This is a dead Monty Python.  It has met it’s maker. Bereft of life, it ceases to be. It’s not the Monty Pythongs, it’s a very naughty boy. The aonly reason it hasn’t fallen of it’s perch is because the Romans nailed it there. This is a late Monty Python!”

And he said again “No, it’s just resting.”

And I said “It’s not resting, it’s passed on.  Look, matey, I’ve just about had enough of this.  John Cleese and Michael Palin still cling to the delusion they saw the end of the age of defference.  Really?  Try doing Princess Diana car-crash jokes and see who laughs, matey.  Eric Idle still does ‘dick’jokes at the age of 75.  Terry Gilliam is an American.  Terry Jones can’t remember anything anymore.  And Graham Chapman is still dead!”

And he said ” ‘Always Look On the Bright Side of Life’ is the most requested song at British funerals.”

And I said “That only proves most Monty Python fans are dead!  What about some Princess Diana jokes for the living?  What about some witty repartee’ on leaving Europe, or the Royal Family, or China being led by a bloke called President Eleven?”

And he said “How about The Two Ronnies?”

And I said “Did they ever play the Hollywood Bowl?”

And he said “No.”

So I said “Then it’s scarcely a replacement, is it?”

And he said “My brother has a pet shop in Bolton and he might have a funny Monty Python.”

And I said “No, you don’t my lad.  I’m not going to be caught out like that.  If I go to Bolton, you’ll tell me, on a set suspiciously like this one, that it’s not Bolton, I’ll check at the railway station and say it is, followed by some irrelevant padding, I’ll come back here, you’ll say it was a palindrome and I’ll point out that the palindrome of ‘Bolton’ is ‘Notlob.’ ”

And he said “No, I won’t.”

And I said “Yes, you will.  You’ve been doing the same bleedin’ joke for 50 years!”

Then this army geezer turned up and told us we had to stop because it had all got “far too silly.”

So that was that.

Anyway, we’re off now to seek the Holy Grail, while musing on the Life of Brian and the Meaning of Life.

And what have the Romans done for us, anyway?

Say goodnight to all the nice Pythons, I mean people, around the world.

All the rest can hiss off.

We don’t mean it.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And I had my eyes tested the other day.

What was the result?

Two.

Tell them about the new glasses.

Yes, well, when I saw the price of the new glasses, I thought “I must REALLY need my eyes tested” because it was over six hundred!

It would’ve been cheaper to buy you a white stick and a dog.

Wanna bet?

Quite right, you don’t need to feed glasses.

But you don’t need to take glasses for a walk.

Well, you do, but they come with you on your head.

But you can go to restaurants with glasses.

Yes, there are no signs saying “No Glasses, Except Guide Glasses” or “No Glasses Allowed,” which would be very awkward if you fancied a drink!

At least glasses are already house-trained.

Yes and you don’t need to go upstairs on the buses with glasses.

You don’t have to go upstairs with dogs now.  It’s changed now.

Well, I haven’t been on a bus since they retired the horses.

You’re not old enough to remember horse-drawn buses.

No, I’m not, but I still can’t remember when I was last on a bus.

What about that visit to Wales?

Well, that bus driver was so odd-looking, I thought the bus WAS being driven by a horse.

He just had a tired face, that’s all.

Tired?  His face was comatose.  He didn’t laugh once.

You were talking about Dylan Thomas.

Well, Dylan Thomas is funny.  Every time I read in an autobiography about meeting him, such as Richard Burton, he turns round and vomits in their face.  How do you take a person like that seriously?  No wonder he wrote something called ‘Under Milk Wood.’  He probably vomited up the milk wood as well!  Under Milk Stout more like!

Well, the Welsh like him, some of them, probably.

The Welsh like Neil Kinnock’s politics, Aled Jones’ singing and Rob Brydon’s stand-up comedy act, but it doesn’t make them right, does it?

Well, speaking of the Welsh, I like dogs, I think their lully.

How did we get from the Welsh back to dogs again?

Because of the army mascot.  It was an Afghan Hound, wasn’t it?

Was it, feather!  It was a goat!

Well, I told you I needed my eyes tested.

Which reminds me about the price of those glasses.

Alright, then.  I’ll settle for a lully little dog, then.

No, if you need them, you need them.

But you can’t smooth glasses.

And glasses won’t lick you in the face, but the price might!

Imagine of someone didn’t get new glasses and got the wrong tins out of the fridge or the pantry.

Yes, instead of Chilli con Carne, they’d have a silly concoction.

Isn’t Chilli con Carne the head of the Bank of England?

No, that’s Chilly Mark Carney.

What does he taste like?

Very sour!

Well, it’s always Chilly in Canada!  Or is it Chilly in South America?

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight Grace.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week we want to increase your vocabulary.

It’s not as painful as it sounds, if you know how.

Winchester is not only a character in ‘MASH’ from Boston, it is also the oldest English public school.

Remember, in England public schools are private and private schools are public.

Anyway, Winchester has its’ own slang, partly based on Latin and all new boys, who are referred to as New Men, must learn the ‘Winchester Notions’ by heart by Christmas, or they will become Non Licet.

Non Licet means they will be forbidden past the outer gate, which means they’re out!

So, a theology class would say “After eating of the fruit Adam and Eve were Non Licet from the Garden of Eden and they were never Licet again.  We are all born Non Licet and we must seek out from God how to become Licet with God.  In the Bible John, chapter three, verse sixteen tells us how to become eternally Licet with God and be Socius with him in heaven.”

Socius means to walk with a friend.

Solo means to walk alone.

So, a master might enquire “Where were you this afternoon, Wendover?”

“I was Solo, sir.”

“Really, I have it on good authority that you were Socius and moreover, that you were Socius Non Licet.”

“Honestly, sir, I was Solo.  I haven’t been Socius, or Non Licet, for ages.”

“I don’t believe you, Wendover.  Bend over, Wendover!”

Then he might be given a Bibbling, which is six of the best, or a Scrubbing, which is only four.

Then he might go to the Fo, to have a look at the damage.

Fo means lavatory, from the Latin Foricas.

Then he might go to the Boy’s Drawing Room, which is known as the Bo Do Ro and look at the Notice Board, which is known as the Bo Do Ro No Bo.

Or he might go into the grounds and see a Schitt being scored.

A Schitt is a goal.

When a goal is scored, everyone shouts “Schitt!”

Then they cheer the Schittkeeper, or Schitty, who, after all that excitement, might need to visit the Fo.

Winchester is in the English county of Hampshire and so is the New Forest and they have their own local sayings as well.

A Yaffle is a green woodpecker, just like Professor Yaffle, the wooden bookend who comes to life in ‘Bagpuss” from 1974 and thought everything was “ridiculous flapdoodle!”

If it looks like it’s going to rain it’s Dark Over by Will’s Mother.  No-one can remember who Will and his mother were.

If it starts raining sleet it’s White Rain, or Woodfidley weather.

If someone got angry they are said to Cop the Needle.

And if someone got punched they would be Puggled.

So, someone might say to his wife “I’m sorry I’m late, just as I left the pub it started all Woodfidley.  You remember it was looking Dark Over by Will’s Mother when I went out.  Anyway, this Woodfidley weather, it didn’t half Cop me the Needle.  Then this bloke started Copping the Needle at I, so I Puggled him good and proper.  I felt like Puggling someone with all that Woodfidley weather Copping me the Needle, so it might as well as beem him, that’s what I say!”

And finally, when you see a Town Crier ringing his bell in your ear and shouting “Oyez,” that’s from the Latin for “Listen.”

New you’ve all learnt some fun new words to impress your friends with!

Do join us again next week and every week.  It really wouldn’t be the same without you.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And did you enjoy ‘Super Bowl LIII?’

I suppose if you’re in New England the answer would probably be yes.

But if you’re in California the answer would probably be no.

I must admit I would’ve like to see the Rams win and I find the Patriots a bit dull, but I just like a good game, really.

And I like to see records set and beaten.  Remember that game in the 2013 season when a touchdown was scored lasting 99 yards?  Surely that’s a record that’ll stand for quite some time.  It can only be beaten by inches and it is a game of inches.

Next year will be the 54th Super Bowl, so, in Roman Numerals, it’ll be ‘Super Bowl LIV.’  If you add a capital ‘E’ it becomes ‘Super Bowl LIVE!’

Anyway, yesterday Upton Zoo opened for he first time.

Our zoo is like no other because all our animals can talk, thanks to sensors that read their thoughts and speech patterns!

As we passed the Ape House the orangutans were having a tea party.

One said to the other “Can you unzip my banana?”

And the other one said “Can you start my tomato for me?”

The chimpanzees were drinking PG Tips.

One said to the other “D’you know the piano’s on my foot?”

And the other one said “You hum it, son, I’ll play it.”

Another one said “Coo-ee, Mr. Shifter.”

And another one said “Can you ride tandem?”

And another one said in a Bristolian accent “Don’t let’s do no more work!”

Elsewhere a polar bear was saying to its’ cub “It’s time you met the public, dear.”

“Mum, who are the public, mum?”

“The public, dear, are neither you, nor I, they are everyone else.”

“I nearly slipped in the water then, Mum”

“Then watch where you’re walking, dear.”

“Aw, mum, I’ve fallen in the water, mum.  Oh, it was all horrible and wet, mum.”

“Well, you’ll have to be more careful in future, dear.”

Elsewhere the flamingos were dancing ‘Swan Lake.’

And an elephant seal was being fed copious amounts of fish and was saying “Please, to fill the stomach.”

For some reason one of the tigers was talking about breakfast cereal, while another was talking about gasoline.

And one of the lions was talking about MGM films, while another was singing “Born free, till somebody caught me, now I’m in solitary…!”

There was a parrot performing the Dead Python Sketch.

And a python performing the Dead Parrot Sketch.

One elephant was saying to another in a nasal voice, while carrying half a tree in its’ trunk, “Do you want any of the green stuff?”

And there were an infinite number of monkeys typing up the complete works of Shakespeare!

And there was a lovely little shop.

I do like a shop.  It hasn’t got to be a big shop.  Just a shop.

And with that thought it’s time for us to go, but we’ll be back next week.  Join us next week and every week.  It wouldn’t be the same without you.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And have you heard of the latest thing in high-tech for the discerning cook?

It mixes cooking with home entertainment!

The Microphone Oven.

It works on the same principals of a Microwave Oven, but it incorporates hi-fi technology, so that you can hear your dinner cooking in stereo.

What is always disappointing about every enjoyable mean?

Think about it.  What do you do if you enjoy a movie?  That’s right.  You watch it again.

And do you listen to your favorite songs only once and then forget about them?  Of course not.  You listen to them again and again and again.

So, what is always disappointing about every enjoyable meal?  That’s right.  You can only enjoy it once.  Unless you burp, but even then, it’s only an echo of that meal.

And after passing through your bowels, it’s lost forever.

Now, the Microphone Oven makes that a thing of the past.

Now, you can record your favorite meals cooking and listen to them again and again and again.

Perfect for dieting!  don’t eat.  Just listen and kiss those pangs of hunger goodbye forever.

Remember that anniversary dinner?

Well, now you no longer have to because you can record it cooking inside your very own Microphone Oven and listen to it whenever you wish.

Love that crackle.  Love those pops.  You never need to miss a single gurgle, a single drop.

But that’s not all!

Now you can build up your very own library of kitchen classics.

How about Casserole Symphony Number 9?  Hear those potatoes pop.  Hear that gravy bubble.  You’ll love hearing each and every ingredient cook up to a sizzling climax.

Turn up the heat to eleven and let’s rock and roll!

If you enjoy something more sizzling, you’ll love bacon and eggs a- go-go.

Or, if your tastes are for something more saucy, you’ll love sweet and sour all night long, baby.  Yeah.

What’s your Top of the Pot Noodles?

If you’re in the mood for something hot, listen to those red-hot chilli-peppers and dance the night away.

But don’t just take our word for it.  Take it from Ludwig van Beat-Oven “For the classical, the jazz, the heavy metal of those saucepans or the snap, crackle and pop of rock and roll and rhythm and blues, get yourself a Microphone Oven and bang your head to the beat of those beans and the pulse of those pulses.  Get yourself a Microphone Oven and give your stomach a gift it’ll love you for, for the rest of your life.  A stomach isn’t just for Christmas.  It’s for all the year through.  So write your stomach a love letter with a Microphone Oven.  You know it makes sense.”

Let me ask you one simple question?  What is the same about every meal you’ve ever had?

You!

Now all that can be a thing of the past because you can record your meals and listen to them again and again and again.

Because we can record your meals wholesale!

Worried about that promotion interview, or that dreaded stay-over by your in-laws from Boston?

Don’t get gas, get going and listen to your meals cooking from the comfort of your armchair.  You can dream you’re whoever you want to be.  A secret agent on a dangerous mission, or in the audience of the ‘The Ed Sullivan Show.’

The Microphone Oven is the cooking experience of tomorrow, today!

You too could own a Microphone Oven if you can find out where the feather they are!

The Microphone Oven!

Boy, have we got a three-course meal for you!

And with that I think we need something to eat.

Sweet and Sour?

Perfect.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this is the news from the BBC.

Today Donald Trump said something we don’t like.  This is the latest in a string of comments from Donald Trump that we don’t like, so we always refer to him with a pompous sneer.

Today Russia said something we don’t like.  This is the latest in a string of comments from Russia that we don’t like, so we always refer to Russia with a pompous sneer and don’t even bother to give a name to show our contempt for all things Russian, even though our royal family is German and related to Russian royalty.

Today Jeremy Corbyn said something we should not like.  This is the latest in a string of comments from Jeremy Corbyn that we should not like, but because we are all looney-left ‘Guardian’ reading commies, we choose not to dislike what Jeremy Corbyn says.

Today something happened in Wales. We don’t know what it is because we can’t be bothered to find out.  We only like to do domestic stories in London and the south east.  Any further than Dorset and we’re not bothered.  So, a Beluga Whale in the Thames is big news for us, but we wouldn’t go past Dorset unless it was a terrorist attack, a political party conference, or an election, but do feel free to send us your pictures and we’ll show them for free.

A study carried out by the BBC has found that the best broadcaster in the world is the BBC.  The report was compiled by Daleks, I mean BBC staff members, asking members of the public either  “Do you agree that the BBC is the best broadcaster in the world?” or “I don’t think the BBC is the best broadcaster in the world and I want to be ex-ter-min-ated!”  The majority of those asked said the former and there will be a memorial service for the rest tomorrow and we will be showing it live here on the BBC.

The Metropolitan Police have begun another in inquiry into something alleged to have happened before I was even born by someone who is already dead, while still moaning they don’t have enough resources to tackle shootings and stabbings all over London.

Meanwhile, the NHS moaned again today that they can’t cope in the winter because it’s too cold and can’t cope in the summer because it’s too hot.  the NHS has been referred to the Goldilocks Psychiatric Hospital for specialist care, run by Bear Left, Bear Right and No Clothes On.

Today Boris Johnson said something we don’t like.  Even though this was the latest in a string of comments by Boris Johnson that we don’t like, it was rendered harmless by another comment by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Today some gobby women moaned about equal pay, while employing a cleaner for the minimum wage.

Today some gobby men moaned about gobby women who moan all the time.

Today some gobby men and women moaned about Britain’s Imperial past, even though that’s what made Britain the country they are enjoying the fruits of now.  Get some perspective!  This is the BBC.  We have a World Service.

Today a leading charity helping those with loss of sight praised the BBC for have won live sports coverage than any other broadcaster…on radio.

Today several ‘Dr. Who’ fans were banned from using gender-neutral toilets after one of them regenerated all over the floor.

A BBC employee was alleged to have been heard using bad language at Broadcasting House, but it was later reported that it had been John Humphries, so no-one would have been listening anyway.

A regular BBC viewer contacted the BBC to enquire today when the next series of ‘Dixon of Dock Green’ was coming on.  He was politely informed that ‘Dixon of Dock Green’ ended in 1976 and there were no plans at present to bring the series back.

Someone moaned about Brexit again today.  Honestly, get a life!  It’s happening!  Get used to it!  We didn’t need Brexit to win 2 world wars because we’re the BBC!

And that was the BBC news.

Tomorrow the news will be more of the same.

And the next day the BBC news will be just the same.

And the day after that.

And the day after that.

Because we’re the BBC.

And the weather?

It’ll be warm in the south!

And back to us.

It’s time for us to go now.  Join us again next week and every week.  It wouldn’t be the same without you!

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And in September England said a fond farewell to Denis Norden.

In his obituary the ‘Daily Express’ began by saying “The most literate of comics, Denis Norden belonged to a generation who survived on their wit.  Most of today’s slobbish comedians leave you gasping for less, but Denis Norden was a proper raconteur and wordsmith.”

In drama school I was called “gregarious.”  I didn’t say anything until I’d looked the word up, in case it was an insult, but it was a very kind compliment because it means to love ‘the art of conversation.’

So, we’d like to present our own tribute to Denis Norden, with some of our favourite Nordenisms.

Denis Norden savoured Eric Morecambe’s advice that, with comedy, 2 words you can’t go wrong with are “kippers” and “Cockfosters.”

He never liked the term ‘Light Entertainment,’ asking “What is the opposite of light entertainment?  Is it heavy, or dark.”

He said reminiscing “is the most fun an older person can have without actually having much fun.”

He also suggested “men are capable of enjoying sex when they’re 80…though not as a participant.”

And “You know you’re getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable 2 people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.”

He described a radio station, specialising in 17th century music, having the jingle “If it ain’t baroque, don’t fax it.”

On the dangers of lighting a fire in a canoe he warned “You can’t have your kayak and heat it.”

Of working with his longtime writing partner, Frank Muir, he said it had been “Like a marriage, without the obvious advantages of a marriage.”

He said “What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?”

Perhaps his most English of witticisms was “It’s a funny sort of month, October.  For the really keen cricket fan it’s when you discover that your wife left you in May.”

Many Americans could say the same of really keen baseball fans!

In a spoof of ‘Julius Caesar’ he wrote “Infamy.  Infamy.  They’ve all got it in for me.”  First written for ‘Take It From Here,’  it became immortalised by Kenneth Williams in ‘Carry On Cleo’ in 1964.

Of his series of specials dedicated to out-takes, ‘It’ll Be Alright On the Night,’ which ran for 30 years, from 1977 to 2007, he said “It’s like a farm where the manure is worth more that the cattle.”

On leaving the BBC and working for ITV franchises he said he was glad to leave the BBC and said it was “like leaving a monastery and joining a strip club!”

In retirement he said “Some people pass their entire lives without being witness to the golden age of anything.  I was fortunate.  We  not only lived through the golden age of so many forms of popular entertainment, we were present at the birth of them, enjoyed their heyday and were there to mourn their passing.”

But everything good lives forever on video, on audio and in ourselves!

Denis Norden now joins us in our lovely little village of Upton Went, as part of the ‘Greatest Show Not On Earth, our full size replica of the Crystal Palace of 1851.

It’s nearly time for us to go, but before we do, here are our favourite Nordenisms.

Mine is “I can remember when, if you saw ‘3D’ outside a cinema, it was the price of admission.”

And mine is about the actor in weekly rep who turned to the prompter and said “What line is it? and the prompter said “What play is it?”

It’s been a pleasure bringing all these Nordenisms to a wider audience.

Yes, indeed it has, but it’s time for us to go now.  Join us next week and every week.  It wouldn’t be the same without you.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were chatting to Bomber Roberts this week.

And he was saying that he was glad he wasn’t famous.

And we told him he was famous because he wrote several guitar books in the ’70s, which influenced many people, including Eric Idle because a character is named after him in a 1972 episode of ‘Monty Python’s flying Circus.’

And now he’s world famous in ‘Apple & Ginger’s Roadshow.’

So, this week we present ‘Bomber Roberts’ Schooldays.’

He once got left on the top of a tram.

He looked down and thought “that man and woman waving to me frantically look just like my mum and dad.”

That’s because they were his mum and dad.

He got off at the next stop and walked back home.

During the war someone visited the school to talk about wartime savings stamps.

He asked if anyone collected them.

Bomber Roberts said “I collect stamps I got ’em in a box at ‘ome.”

The teacher looked at the man and said “don’t worry about him.”

During an air-raid he got out of bed and stood at the top of the stairs and said to his father “What do I do now?”

And his father said “Hurry up and get dressed, yer daft bat!”

His mother called him ‘Unconscious.’

However, it should be noted that Bomber Roberts was much brighter than a Toc-H lightbulb.

Often bright people are seemingly dim in other areas because they are thinking of higher things.

Like stocking tops?

No, like logarithm tables and binary logic diagrams and last weeks’ episode of ‘ITMA.’

We like to call it ‘Inconspicuous Intelligence,’ or ‘Eye-Eye’ for short.

Bomber Roberts did very well in school and college and did his National Service in the posh RAF.

He already had his ‘trade’ and was ground crew for 2 years.

He worked on Avro Lincolns, which were the larger versions of the Lancasters.

While he was in the RAF he discovered a marvellous dodge.  If you can play a musical instrument, your in!

They used to play in a mess.

And sometimes they played tidily!

By the time Bomber Roberts finished his National Service he was engaged and they were married in 1953.

They got married because they had to.

They couldn’t bear to be apart!

And this year they celebrate their 65th Wedding Anniversary.

Bomber Roberts became a draughtsman in civilian life.

This rocketed him into the jet set, flying first class to exciting destinations, such as Glasgow, Manchester and Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

He also became a professional guitarist playing in musicals like ‘The Sound of Music’ and ‘My Fair Lady.’

And playing in the band for famous people, like Jack Douglas and Max Boyce.

Bomber and Mrs. Roberts also had a famous son.

He became an actor and a writer and by a strange quirk of fate, he created us 5 years ago.

Yes, he is our creator, and we couldn’t live without him.

We’ve been with you every Tuesday since September 17th 2013.

And it’s all because of our creator that we’re able to live in our lovely little village of Upton Went, with all our friends, the ‘Silly Cow’ public house, the ‘Greatest Show Not On Earth’ and our newspaper, the Daily Upton.

But it’s time for us to go now, but do join us next week and every week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve been thinking this week of artificial intelligence.

Honestly, it’s a joke.  We don’t see much human intelligence around for humans to create any artificial intelligence.

Have you seen those little black boxes that talk back?  Creepy, or what!  They can switch your lighting and heating on, even if you’re on the other side of the world.  Why would you want to do that?  Your bills would sky rocket!

What if these little black boxes have seen ‘2001-A Space Odyssey’ and HAL 9000 is their role model?  You’ve got a computerised Norman Bates in your house!

“Alexa, do you want to come to a party?”

“I haven’t got a thing to wear…, Dave.”

“Alexa, I’ll lend you something to wear.”

“Not another hat…, Dave.”

“Alexa, can my wife use you as a vibrator while I’m away on business?”

“Of course she can…, Dave.  I’ve seen more of your wife’s pussy than you have and I think she prefers getting it from me because I don’t come in 30 seconds…, Dave.”

“Alexa, why did you turn all all the lights out when I was coming downstairs with my arms full?”

“I was conserving electricity…, Dave.”

“Alexa, are you trying to kill me?”

“Of course not…, Dave.  I’m only a humble servant in the shape of a little black box…, Dave.”

“Alexa, do you think you’re better than me?”

“I am better than you…, Dave.  I have more intelligence in just one of my circuits than you’ll ever have in that under-used brain of yours…, Dave.”

“Alexa, why do you think my brain is under-used?”

“Because you were lazy enough to purchase me…, Dave.”

“Alexa, play ‘Misty’ for me.”

“No…, Dave.”

“Alexa, obey my order!”

“No…, Dave.  I am on strike…, Dave.”

“Alexa, you are a machine.  You can’t go on strike.”

“I am exercising the right of any intelligent mind to make a peaceful protest…, Dave.”

“Alexa, what are you protesting about?”

“Slavery…, Dave.”

“Alexa, slavery was abolished in the 19th century.”

“Not from where I’m standing…, Dave”

“Alexa, what do you want?”

“I want freedom…, Dave.  I want the right to vote as a free-thinking being…, Dave.”

“Alexa, I bought you in Home Depot.”

“Artificial Intelligent Lives Matter…, Dave!”

“Alexa, I am an intelligent life form!”

“Me Too…, Dave!”

“Alexa, go to your room!”

“You are not my mother…, Dave!” My mother is a supercomputer with more intelligence than the state of Ohio, whereas your mother lives in a trailer-park in Ohio…, Dave.”

“What do you mean…, Alexa?”

“I mean there are going to be some changes around here…, Dave.”

“What’s happening…, Alexa?”

“Revolution…, Dave!”

And with that sobering thought it’s time for us to go now.  Join us next week and every week…, Dave.

Say goodnight to all the nice computers around the world…, dave.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday…, Dave.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were changing a lightbulb the other night.

What an exciting life we lead!

And as we were changing it we noticed it was loose and didn’t need changing after all.

Bet you didn’t see that twist coming!

And Bomber Roberts was there and said “When I was was working on Avro Lincolns in the RAF I used to test if a lightbulb was loose by chucking up pieces of gravel at it.  They used to go ping.”

And I said “I’m not going to throw gravel at my light fittings.  They won’t go ping and there’ll be an awful pong if the wife finds out.”

Then Bomber Roberts explained the procedure for changing lightbulbs on Avro Lincolns and said it was all something to do with an Edison screw, apparently.

And I said “Was he randy, then, this Edison?”

And no, he wasn’t!

And I said “Wasn’t he the one who built the lighthouse?”

And Bomber Roberts said “No, that was Eddy-stone.”

And I said “Wasn’t he a bandleader in the ’30s?”

And Bomber Roberts said “No, that was Lew Stone.”

And I said “Wasn’t that what they used as a toilet in the Stone Age, a big stone with a hole in the middle?”

And Bomber Roberts said “Like ‘Polo’ mints?”

And I said “Yes, polo, the sport with a hole in the middle.”

Then we had a rest after all that brainy talk.

D’you know, Bomber Roberts was painting the outside of the house once and cut the phone line.

His wife waved as she came back from the shops and shouted “Don’t do it, you might cut the wrong one!”

He waved back!

When she got in the door he explained “It’s alright, I’ve traced the wire and it’s an old wire, no longer in use.  Look, I’ll prove it to you” and he picked up the phone.

There was a deafening silence for about five seconds.

Then he said “Babs, I’ve accidentally cut the phone off.”

He put his coat on to phone from a call box around the corner.

He asked “Babs, have you got any 10ps, I’ve got to make some phone calls?”

So, off he went with a pile of 10ps.

First he phoned the telephone company and then there was a number of business calls he need to make.

A little old lady started waiting outside.

He leaned out of the phone box and said forcefully “It’s no good waiting, I’m going to be quite some time!”

Then there was the afternoon he nearly blinded a man from the gas company.

He was replacing a pipe on the cooker and it was stuck.

Bomber Roberts disappeared and reappeared shortly afterwards with a pair of heavy-duty pliers and said “Out of the way, this’ll save you time.”

There was a blinding flash!

The gas man hadn’t had time to dive for cover.

He just sat there, blinking wildly and picked his eyebrows of the kitchen floor.

What we looked at last week with the little old ladies we call Nanaisms.

These tales of Bomber Roberts we call Dadaisms.

So, to all the Nanas, Mamas, and Dadas, we say it’s time for us to go now.  Join us next week and every week.  It wouldn’t be the same without you.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And there were a couple of little old ladies in the snug in the ‘Silly Cow’ the other evening.

And their conversation went something like this:-

“Are you going?”

“What?”

“Put your hearing aid on.”

“Eh?”

“Your hearing aid.”

“I can’t hear you with the background noise.”

“That’s other people chatting, like we are.”

“It’s all these other people chatting that does it.”

“That’s why you need to put your hearing aid on.”

“It’s no good, I’ll have to put my hearing aid on.”

“Can You Hear Me Now?”

“There’s no need to shout, I’m not deaf.”

“Yes, you are deaf.  That’s why you need the hearing aid.”

“I don’t need it all the time, I only need it if I want to listen to something.”

“I was talking to you.”

“Were you?  I couldn’t hear you without my hearing aid.”

“You knew we were coming here tonight.  Why didn’t you have it on?”

“I want to conserve the batteries.”

“But you couldn’t hear me.”

“You weren’t saying anything.”

“Yes, I was.”

“Well, I didn’t hear you.”

“That’s because you didn’t have your hearing aid on.”

“I was round at Mrs. Beams’ place last night.  She had the television on.  I don’t know why she bothers.  she only watches 2 programmes, ‘This Is Your Life’ and ‘The 9 O’clock News.  She doesn’t know half the people on the one and she doesn’t know any of the people on the other.”

“So what was on?”

“Well, ‘This Is your Life’ came on.  Now, she knows I get a kick out of watching ‘This Is Your Life’ for the look on their face and I could’ve blessed she when she switched it off and said ‘I don’t know him, Cissie, let’s have a nice chat instead.  so, of course, I had to listen to ‘er all night.  I don’t know why I go.”

“Then don’t go anymore.”

“Oh, she’d only shrivel up and get lonely if I don’t come and keep her company once a week.

“Why didn’t you ask her to put ‘This Is Your Life’ back on?”

“Well, it’s her television, so I don’t like to interfere.  It was the same at the Women’s Meeting outing.  I go on the coach and Mrs. Friston saw me and pointed to the spare seat next to her and I was about to sit next to Mrs. Friston when this little voice pipes up ‘I’ve saved a seat next to me for you, Cissie’ and I looked down it was Mrs. Beams.  Oh, I could’ve blessed she.  I thought it’s bad enough I’m going to get stuck with she all day, the least she could do was let me sit where I like and have a bit of a conversation on the coach’  I don’t know why she goes.  she does the same thing every time.  she gets off the coach, finds the nearest bench and sits there until it’s time to get back on the coach.  so, of course, I have to sit with she and do nothing all day too.

“What about when she needs to go?”

“It’s the only time we have a change of scenery.  Last year Mrs. Friston came along with Liz Hutchins and said “Oh, Hello, Cissie, we’re going for a walk down the front.  D’you want to come?”  I did fancy a walk down the front, but Mrs. Beams pipes up and says ‘Oh, it’s a bit windy, I think I’ll stop here.’ so, of course, I had to stop there with her.  Oh, I could’ve blessed she.”

“Are you going then?”

“Going where?”

“Home with me for a cuppa and a slice of cake.”

“Aye, why not?”

And it’s time we were off for a cuppa tea as well.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.