APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week, something different.

A special dedication from our creator.

“Last night I had to face something I hoped I would never had to face.

At 4 in the morning, my mother, my wife and I found my father had gone to be with Jesus, in his sleep.

He was more than my father.

He was my friend.

He laughed with and applauded each and every one of the over 250 scripts for ‘Apple & Ginger’s Roadshow’ since I started in 2013.

This week I applaud him!

I write this on Friday August 23rd.

All day my mother has been with him in bed.

Tomorrow that has to change.

I wanted to write this while they’re still there together.

I owe him everything.

He taught me.

He encouraged me.

He helped me with my faith that we all need so much now.

He encouraged my writing and everything I have done.

Last December Mum & Dad celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary.

We got a card from the Queen.

After we got a card from the Queen for their 60th anniversary in 2013, Mum and Dad were invited to Buckingham Palace for the Garden Party.

That was in May 2014.

Everyone who goes to a Buckingham Palace Garden Party can order a video of it.

So we did and Mum and Dad were on the video.

Dad spent most of the time enjoying the RAF Squadronaires playing on the bandstand.

Dad was in the RAF.

Dad was also a very accomplished jazz guitarist.

He was very influenced by Django Reinhardt.

He was in the Musicians Union, as I am in Equity.

In June 2016 I temporarily lost the use of my legs.

He kept me going with long chats into the night, when I felt very depressed.

He did the same when I had many sleepless nights with asthma as a child.

The past week it has been an honour to do the same for him.

I can’t say much more because my eyes are filled with tears as I write this.

I just want to say this.

Dad, I am proud, very, very proud, to be your son.

I am honoured that you are my father.

I am so glad you and Mum lived with the 2 of us these 22 years we’ve been married.

I am grateful we didn’t grow apart, like most families do.

As the years went by, we got closer and closer.

I can’t say goodbye, but I will see you again, when I go to be with Jesus.

God bless.”

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week, something different.

A special dedication from our creator.

“Last night I had to face something I hoped I would never have to face.

At 4 in the morning my mother, my wife and I found my father had gone to be with Jesus, in his sleep.

He was more than my father.

He was my friend.

He laughed with and applauded each and every one of the over 250 scripts for ‘Apple & Ginger’s Roadshow’ since I started in 2013.

This week I applaud him!

I write this on Friday August 23rd.

All day my mother has been with him in bed.

Tomorrow that has to change.

I wanted to write this while they’re still there together.

I owe him everything.

He taught me.

He encouraged me.

He helped me with my faith that we all need so much now.

He encouraged my writing and everything else I have done.

Last December Mum & Dad celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary.

We got a card from the Queen.

After we got a card from the Queen for their 60th anniversary in 2013, Mum and Dad were invited to Buckingham Palace for the Garden Party.

That was in May 2014.

Everyone who goes to a Buckingham Palace Garden Party can order a video of it.

So we did and Mum and Dad were on the video.

Dad spent most of the time enjoying the RAF Squadronaires playing on the bandstand.

Dad was in the RAF.

Dad was also a very accomplished jazz guitarist.

He was very influenced by Django Reinhardt.

He was in the Musicians Union, as I am in Equity.

In June 2016 I temporarily lost the use of my legs.

He kept me going with long chats into the night, when I felt very depressed.

He did the same when I had many sleepless nights with asthma as a child.

The past week it has been an honour to do the same for him.

I can’t say much more because my eyes are filled with tears as I write this.

I just want to say this.

Dad, I am proud, very very proud, to be your son.

I am honoured that you are my father.

I am so glad you and Mum lived with the 2 of us these 22 years we’ve been married.

I am grateful we didn’t grow apart, like most families do.

As the years went by, we got closer and closer.

I can’t say goodbye, but I will see you again, when I go to be with Jesus.

God bless.”

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were looking through the ‘agony-aunt’column of the ‘Daily Upton.’

Every day loads of people in our lovely little village of Upton Went write in to Auntie Pepper.

One reader asked “Is is rude to answer my e-mails during sex?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “Yes, it is, unless the person e-mailing you is the same person you are having sex with.”

“Was that OK 4 U?”

“Yeah.”

“Did the earth move 4 U?”

“YES!”

Another reader asked “I’ve never seen my fiance naked and I’m worried that, after the wedding, I might not like what I see.  Would it be alright to ask my fiance to strip off so I could check her out?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “She might want to check you out!”

Another reader said “My wife cooks and cleans for me all day, does my dinner when I come home from the office, watches ‘Coronation Street’ and then claims she’s too tired for sex. What’s wrong with her?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “Nothing.  What’s wrong with you?”

While another reader said “I’m a working woman and yet, when my husband and I come home from work, he claims he’s too tired for sex.  What’s wrong with him?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “Nothing.  What’s wrong with you?”

Touche!

One woman wrote in, saying “I have never met a man I wanted to have children with, so I went to a sperm bank.  Why don’t other women do the same?  Don’t you agree?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “No, I do not agree. You are willing to have a child by a stranger, who, for all you know, is a child murderer, who has jerked off in a squalid little room, while getting his jollies from a pornographic magazine.  I think the truth is you are unable or unwilling to commit yourself to another person.”

Sometimes Auntie Pepper says things very forthrightly!

One reader wrote in and asked “Can you help me?  I live in Watford and I think the ‘Watford Gap’ is down the middle of my double bed.  What should I do?”

“And Auntie Pepper replied “Move!”

Auntie Pepper also has a phone-in on Radio Upton.  One recent call went like this:-

“I’m worried my girlfriend fakes her orgasm.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Well, I asked another girlfriend if she faked her orgasm the one time we had sex.”

“And what did she say?”

“She said that in 2 minutes there wasn’t much to fake?”

“Well, all women are different.”

“Have you ever faked your orgasms, Auntie?”

“How many times a week do you and your girlfriend have sex?”

“Do you go red in the face when you have an orgasm?”

“Why don’t you ask your girlfriend about that?”

“Well, more a shade of pink, really.”

“Why don’t you talk it over?”

“You won’t tell her I asked you about faking orgasms, will you?”

“Not unless she calls into the show as well.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“And we have your girlfriend on line 2, in fact!”

And so it went on.

Whatever your sexual agony, always remember, you can’t have your exctasy without your agony first.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week, to the tune of ‘The Wheels On the Bus,’ let’s look at some of the oddities about people on public transport.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

Round and round.

Round and round.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

All day long.

The people on the bus go text, text, text.

Text, text, text.

Like a pest.

The people on the bus go text, text, text.

All day long.

The phones on the bus go click, click, click.

Click, click, click.

Makes you sick.

The phones on the bus go click, click, click.

All day long.

The people on the bus play games, games, games.

Games, games, games.

Some do, yes.

The people on the bus play games, games, games.

All day long.

The nutter on the bus might sit by you.

Sit by you.

Saying “Moo!”

The nutter on the bus might sit by you.

All day long.

The mouths on the bus go blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

The mouths on the bus go blah, blah, blah.

All day long.

Someone on the bus can’t find their change.

What a berk.

Get off and walk.

Someone on the bus ain’t got no change.

Go away.

The people on the bus are very odd.

Very odd.

Daft old bods.

The people on the bus are very odd.

Trains are worse.

The people on the trains are all insane.

All insane.

Out of date.

The people on the trains are all insane.

Why not walk?

The people in cars are very sick.

Very sick.

Very thick.

The people in cars are very sick.

Why not walk?

The people who walk stay fit, fit, fit.

Fit, fit, fit.

Just a bit.

The people who walk stay fit, fit, fit.

All day long.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were having a wine-tasting evening at the ‘Silly Cow’ the other night.

Only they forgot the buckets.

And Miserable Les said he wanted no spitting on the floor.

And we all agreed.

As Botox Betty said “What are we, baseball players?”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “We’ll all have to swallow, as the priest said to the tart.”

And Botox Betty said “What sort of tart are you referring to?”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “A strawberry tart. Wouldn’t you swallow a strawberry tart?”

And Botox Betty said “I can’t think about strawberry tarts with all this wine.”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “Well, you brought it up.”

And Botox Betty said “Please don’t say things like that, I feel queasy already.”

And Miserable Les said to Botox Betty “You’re determined to enjoy yourself, you are, love, aren’t you!”

Then we had our first round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a drop of this strawberry wine?” and had a glass himself.

Percy Withers said “A touch sardonic, but not cynical, yes, a most good-humored wine.”

And Hildegarde Withers said “Oh, really?  I rather liked it.”

Then we had our second round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a strop of this ghastly wine?” and had a glass himself.

And Longdistance Len said “I can see from that glass that your horse is very well.”

Then we had our third round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a wiss of this ghostly gwine?” and had a glass himself.

And Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “Best drop of wine since I had ‘Phu Yuk in Thailand.”

Then we had our fourth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a straw of this slippery slime?” and had a glass himself.

And Silly Sausage said “Yes, that’s from ‘Chateau Pissoir’ ’79, left-hand side of the vineyard, third row across, just behind the sewage works.”

And then we had our fifth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a slop of this gectar of the  nods?” and had a glass himself.

And Botox Betty said “I shouldn’t have anymore, really, I’m driving, but this reminds me of…umm…” and she dropped off…her seat.

Then we had our sixth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a gone cool arse of this bloody good plonk? and had a glass himself.

All those still conscious made appreciative noises.

Then we had our seventh round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a horse of this spranking pine?” and had a glass himself.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “Remember, if you hold onto the floor and it doesn’t spin round, your not drunk.”

Then we had our eighth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a glass of whatever the hell this damn label says it is?” and had a glass himself.

Those brave souls still standing nodded sagely, careful not to open their mouths for a while.

Then we had our ninth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like…some of this?” and had a glass himself.

The survivors all nodded carefully.

Then we had our tenth round.  Miserable Les said “Oh, sod it, let’s get pissed!” and had a large glass.

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “In the immortal words of the Psalms ‘And it came to pass…out’ ”

And he did!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And recently we staged our own version of the quaint State Opening of Parliament.

For those who don’t know, the quaint English custom dates back to the 17th century, after they got fed up with Charles I because he was French and chopped his head off.

They also had a civil war and became a republic, under Oliver Cromwell.

Unfortunately, the English felt being a republic was too much like hard work and asked Charles II to be Charles II and he did and he killed Oliver Cromwell.  So much for democracy.  Perhaps this lack of a backbone is why they’re having so much trouble with democracy regarding Brexit now!

Of course, earlier in the 17th century, a group of puritans said to each other “sod this for a game of soldiers, squire” and went to live in America, where, 150 years later, George Washington told the British to get knotted and successfully formed a republic that is now telling the British to hurry up and tell the European Union to get knotted.

The Scottish, of course, wanted to be different and became Canada instead!

Anyway, ever since the 17th century, the State Opening of Parliament has involved a bloke called Black Rod, who is always white, getting the door slammed in his face, having to knock 3 times and telling them what they already know because that’s why they’re all present, that the Queen has arrived.

They then all walk into the House of Lords, which is an old people’s home for average politicians.  The good one’s get another job and the bad ones never get in.  You can work out which is which!

They then listen to The Queen’s Speech, even though it wasn’t written by the Queen.  It was written for the Queen by the Prime Minister.  Then they debate it.  The Scottish and Welsh moan that there’s nothing in it for them, even though they have devolved assemblies, not governments, as they claim.

And nothing ever gets done, until there’s either a general election or a war.

Anyway, back to our much more fun version.

The State Opening of the Front Door After Shopping.

Black Rod Stewart has had the front door slammed shut in his face ever since he came home plastered from the Silly Cow in 1645.

And it’s not easy getting plastered by a quarter to five!

Black Rod Stewart knocks 3 times.

He is answered by a member of the Household Cavalry, so named because he is the Householder.

“Who seeks entry?”

“I do, yer daft bat.”

“Enter, daft bat.”

Then they set forward the bills to be put forward this daily session.

The Tesco bill, the Morrisons bill, the Sainsburys bill, the Asda bill, the Waitrose bill, the Co-op bill and the Marks & Spencer bill.

All these bills will be paid for out of the household purse, in the household handbag.

Then the bills are discussed.

One honourable lady may say “The’ve gone up a lot.”

Another honourable gentleman may say “these packets have got smaller.  One burp and it’s gone!”

While another honourable lady may say “this chocolate tastes different since Kraft bought Cadburys.”

And so the business of the Household continues daily.

And the ship of state continues to sail around the world of life.

Not that it makes any difference when the government has convinced itself the Earth is flat!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And Professor Quiteamess and the Reverend Archie Farcnad were having a chat in the ‘Silly Cow’ the other night about evolution.

And Professor Quiteamess said he felt it was all horsepucky.

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said he knew it was.

And Professor Quiteamess said “The trouble is that I have never got a straight answer from anyone to explain fossils as we have them.”

And the Reverend Archie Farnad said “Then this is your lucky day.”

“Think of all fossils, all over the world, as a snapshot of where everything was at one point in history.”

“All fossils are in dried water.”

“That water is commonly thought of as the Ice Age, but it is, in fact, the waters of the Biblical Flood.”

“Not just the Dinosaurs died that day.  Almost everything died over forty days and nights.”

“The Earth dating mistake comes from calculating the normal annual rate that soil adds to the ground level.”

“Where they go wrong is that they multiply that normal figure by the amount of sediment, so they get a much higher age for the Earth.  They forget, conveniently, that whatever wiped out the Dinosaurs was NOT a normal, regular, event and so will leave much more sediment at one point.”

“And that one point is where all the fossils are.”

“The soil erosion from the Flood was so colossal it left a depth of soil erosion so deep, it gives the false impression that life evolved over millions of years, which is horsepucky, as you said.”

“Let’s get back to that snapshot idea.”

“Lowest are the fish because they were already underwater.”

“Coldblooded animals, such as lizards, were near the water to begin with and so are just above in our snapshot.”

“Warmblooded animals, such as mammals, would be away from water, but would be swept away as the Flood waters increased.”

“Then there would be animals who could climb trees, who would survive that bit longer and so would be that bit higher in our snapshot.”

“Apes would be up in the trees as well, until the Flood waters engulfed the trees.”

“While the trees were being engulfed, the birds would be in the sky, until they fell to the ground, exhausted.

“Last of all, at the top of our snapshot, are humans.  They would’ve built rafts and tried to survive, but would’ve starved to death.”

“So, the snapshot, looked at bottom to top, appears to show the evolution, from the sea to the land, from coldblooded animals to warmblooded animals, from apes to humans, but, in reality, it is a tapestry of where everything was when it died in the Flood.”

And Professor Quiteamess said “Well, all that makes more sense to me than a lot of theories I’ve come across over the years.”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “It’s like the ‘Bayeaux Tapestry’ of the Flood.”

“And Professor Quiteamess said “Brilliant!”

Well, that was fascinating, wasn’t it!

Speaking for myself, I’d much rather have Noah for an ancestor, even though I’m not Jewish.

And I don’t want to be related to apes, who scratch their backsides and pick flies off each other.

Although I do like PG Tips tea.

So do I.

D’you know the piano’s on my foot.

You hum it, son.  I’ll play it.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

 

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week, meet Mick the Angel.  Up against Mick the Angel, Robert de Niro would come second in a Robert de Niro Contest.

“Hey, I’m Mick.  I’m an angel.  But I’m an angel like, if I was human, I’d be the Captain America of angels.”

“You know, the other night I heard this Australian guy talking about where matter goes when it enters a black hole.”

“This guy was as scientific as Crocodile Dundee and he was as likely to find the right answer as it is to find a real crocodile in Dundee.”

“He says he knows that matter goes somewhere when it goes into a black hole, but there’s no trace of it, bit like his IQ.”

He says he thinks the matter probably comes out of a wormhole, at the other end of the black hole, but he says he can’t prove it.”

“He says all this happens instantaneously, in what he calls ‘zero-time.’  He is Australian, remember, so I suppose we shouldn’t expect decent English.”

“Wake up, apeman!”

“Einstein didn’t know all the laws of physics.  My boss, Big G, invented them and some of them are only known to members of the family.  Capish?”

“The mafia may have their Godfathers, but we’ve a much older, much larger, family and we answer to the Father-God.”

“Now get this straight.  There’s no ‘zero-time.’  It’s called the ‘Speed of Thought.’  Got it? Good.”

“We travel at the Speed of Thought.”

“We communicate at the Speed of Thought.”

“We’ve been doing it since that Adam went searching for fig leaves, while clutching his jiggly bits.”

“And for two thousand years humans in the family business have been doing it via Holy Spirit dot-com.”  They call it Prayer.  So get a life.  They did!”

“Humans outside the family business are so pathetic.  They use ‘mobile phones.’  They need ‘global positioning systems.’  They need ‘satellites.’  How primitive!”

!It’s called faith, monkey man.  Do you think Noah used any of that rubbish?”

“Listen, we can take on any gang around.”

“Remember the Jericho Gang?”

“We walked round their city seven times, played our horns and the who lot came down.  How’s that for blowing your own trumpet?”

“Remember the Egyptian Mob?”

“They wouldn’t let our people go, so the boss sent in Bullrushes Moses and got them out and parted the Red Sea and brought it down on the Egyptian Mob.  No more Egyptian Mob.”

“The boss is everywhere.  He misses nothing.  If you’ve been a naughty boy or a bad girl, he knows all about it.  He might send the boys round for a word.  Know what I mean?”

“And if you’ve been a naughty catholic, don’t be surprised if you get a knock on the door and two big, hairy fellas with wings nail your pelvis to the coffee table!”

“To get back to those laws of physics.  It’s all relative, isn’t it?”

“You can see plants growing though time-lapse photography.  However, you can’t see the boss, not even through time-lapse photography.”

“You can bet he can see you, though.  The boss moves in a ‘mysterious way.’ at the Speed of Thought.”

“That way the boss can be in all places at all times.”

“The boss is ‘the alpha and the omega.’  ‘He’s breakfast television to the epilogue.’ ”

“And for those losers who don’t think my boss exists, don’t be a plonker all your life, Rodney!”

“Anyway, I gotta go now.  Some plonker called Dawkins is due a visit.  Be good. Or we send the boys round.”

More from Mick the Angel another time.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And, as temperatures continue to run high over Brexit and next year’s Presidential election, think of this.

In a few week’s time Hulu will be streaming a new six-part adaptation of ‘Catch 22’ starring British resident George Clooney.

In ‘Catch 22.’ which is set in Italy during World War II, Captain Yossiman wants to get out of the war, but Colonel Cathcart keeps extending the number of bombing missions before he can get out of the war.

Remind you, at all, of Brexit?

First, it was June 23rd 2016.

Then, Article 50 didn’t get triggered until March 29th 2017.

Then, Theresa May did nothing about it, while declaring war on Russia and insulting the intelligence of anyone with two brain cells to rub together.

Then, she lost several votes on a ‘deal’ no-one asked for, lost a vote of no confidence, refused to resign and became a mad dictator.

Then, she swanned off to Brussels and asked for an extension to Article 50 and Article 50 turned into Catch 22.

The new March 29th was April 12th 2019.

Then, she swanned off to Brussels and asked for another extension to Article 50 and April 12th became October 31st 2019.

But she’ll be toast by then!

On May 23rd she even held elections to the European parliament, even though they won’t be there.

Madness!

So, along came Nigel Farage with his newly-minted Brexit Party.

Captain Farage wants to get out of the European Union, but Colonel May keeps extending the date, saying “I want to deliver Brexit, but no-one will vote for my deal -Catch 22!”

And who asked for a deal?

No-one!

The majority vote was just to leave.  All the nonsense about deals and backstops and trade deals and customs unions and single markets is all cooked up by May and other traitors as excuses not to do the will of the people!

In 1776, did George Washington tell Americans “We need a deal before we leave Britain?”

Did he, fridge!

Did Australia, Hong Kong, South Africa, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Canada, New Zealand, or any other country say “We need to make a deal before we have independence from the United Kingdom?”

Did they, feather!

So, surely, Britain doesn’t need a deal to regain its’ independence from the European Union?

No, it doesn’t.  It just needs to reverse the 1972 Act of Parliament that joined the Common Market from New Year’s Day 1973.  Any fool could do it!

But Theresa May is worse than a fool.  She’s an idiot!

With the 75th Anniversary of D.Day only weeks ago, what a relief we didn’t really fight World War !! like the Hell of ‘Catch 22.’

But wait.  ‘Catch 22’ is about perpetual warfare, but we don’t have perpetual warfare, do we?

Don’t we?  Politics is perpetual warfare waged by two parties, one to the left and one to the right.  Labour and Conservative.  Democrat and Republican.

And all they do is fight, instead of serving voters!

The two sides of the European Referendum are still waging perpetual war, instead of obeying the will of the people!

To Democrats the 2016 Presidential election was ‘Trump War I’ they’re still fighting over the result three years on.  The 2020 Presidential election will be top them ‘Trump War II.’  All they do is fight, instead of obeying the will of the people.

Well, we, the people, have had enough!

In the immortal words of Peter Finch in ‘Network’ in 1976, “We’re mad as hell and we’re not gonna take it anymore!”

Whatever country you’re joining us from, go and tell your politicians “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!”

And if you feel oppressed by anything, or anyone, go and tell them “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!”

Happy Times & Places!  Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And Brian Maggot has something different for us this week.

Normally talking about issues of today, set today, he reports now on the dangers of ‘Gangsta’ rap being used by Neo-Nazis to attack blacks and Jews.  He sets his report in Europe in 2023, but be warned, Brian Maggot pulls no punches and tells it like it is!

“The European Union – 2023,  Britain has long since left and mass immigration has continued unabated.  Unemployment is high.  Ill feeling towards minorities’ is even higher.”

“It is the ‘Hitler Centennial.’  In 1923 Hitler became leader of the National Socialist Party, soon to be known the world over as the Nazi Party.  In 1933 Hitler became Chancellor of Germany.  Twelve years later, after six years of war, over six million Jews, blacks, gypsies, gays, mentally ill and Evangelical Christians would be dead from the death camps.”

“A century on, Nazis are on the march again.  However, they have evolved their methods of intimidation.  Now they not only use violence, political rallies and propaganda, they also upload videos online, copying the so-called ‘Gangsta’ rap artists and ‘drill’ music used by black gang members since last decade.”

“A century ago Nazis performed their own jazz, even though officially they denounced it as “non-arian.” ”

“They call it ‘Hitla’ rap!

“Nazis use ‘Hitla’ rap to take on black gang members and activists at their own game.  They record videos of ‘Hitla’ rap music performed in black areas at night and provoke black gang members into violence.  That way they aim to show Germans that blacks and Jews are “troublemakers” and must be dealt with.”

“Examples of Nazi ‘Hitla’ rap artists and groups in Germany alone include ‘Krauts Strikin’ Out,’ ‘Bormann’s Babes,’ ‘Fourth Reich Forever’ and ‘Wagna Gangstas.’ ”

“Here is a typical example of ‘Hitla’ rap we saw online recently, which says all they stand for:-

Tonight’s the night

We’re gonna kick the shite

Outta Jewish swine

Right along the Rhine.

 

We’re gonna treat the blacks

Like they know we’re the packs

That’s gonna make them pay

Like the KKK.

 

Nuff said!”

“Obviously these ‘Hitla’ rappers set out to offend and provoke minorities, so they can brand them as undesirable elements of society.”

“This is not only a German phenomena.  Since Britain left the European Union, far-right groups have prospered.  In France ‘Hitla’ rappers include ‘Vichy Forever’ and ‘Le Sword is Mightier Than Le Pen.’ In Italy ‘Hitla’ rappers include ‘Mussolini’s Muscle’ and ‘We Came, We Saw, We Kicked Their Ass.’ ”

“And ‘Hitla rap has spread to where ‘Gangsta’ rap started in London, with British ‘Hitla’ rappers including ‘UKKK’ and ‘SS-GB.’  Meanwhile, in South America, ‘Hitla’ rappers include ‘The Boys from Brazil’, ‘Eichmann’s Avengers’ and ‘Mengele’s Marauders.’  In Southern United States ‘Hitla’ rap has become popular to hit back against black anti-slavery activists, with groups including ‘US-SS’ and ‘General Lee’s Levellers.’  There are even the ‘Ozzy-Nozzys’ in Australia.”

“Since the start of 2023  many have died and been seriously injured by ‘Hitla’ rap artists and gang members.  In this most incendiary year and in these most incendiary times I would urge all ‘Gangsta’ rap artists to desist in their gang-related activities right away.  If they do not, they will be fighting a war they will not win.  If activists and black gangs stop now, there is time for the global powers of Great Britain, the United States, Russia and China to prevent the Fourth Reich from ever rising, but this can only be done if the moral high ground is achieved and civil disobedience by black gang members stops now.       –         This is Brian Maggot signing off from the ‘Maggot Patch.’ ”

Brian Maggot there, with a prophesy of where gang violence can lead and did lead from 1923 to 1945.

We don’t want to see that future come too.

And we’re sure you don’t either.

Don’t let it!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last week we began ‘Frost Over May’ from ‘The Greatest Show Not On Earth’ where we focused on Brexit.  Now we continue and move onto foreign policy.

“Hello, Good Afternoon  and Welcome Back.  My guest today is probably Britain’s most unpopular Prime Minister since the job was invented after Charles I had his head cut off!”

“Well, I don’t think I can be as unpopular as him, then.”

“I was factoring in Britain getting rid of capital punishment into my statement.”

“Well, I’m not in a popularity stakes.”

“Prime Minister, I pray a great deal for my country and the world.  You claim to have faith.  Do you?

“Well, I not only claim to have faith, I do have faith and I have faith in delivering an orderly Brexit.”

“But do you have faith in God?”

“Yes, I do have faith in God and I was brought up a vicar’s daughter.”

“Prime Minister, do you think God has faith in you?”

“Well that is a matter for God and only God can answer that question.”

“You attend a Christian church every Sunday, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Because you are a Christian.”

“I was brought up a vicar’s daughter.”

“I’ll take that as yes, then.  In fact, you were very concerned about the destruction of Notre Dame Cathedral, weren’t you?”

“Yes, I was.  I think we all were.”

“But no-one died.”

“No.”

“And yet 300 Christians died in terrorist attacks in churches and hotels in Sri Lanka and you called them ‘Easter Worshippers.’ ”

“Well, it was Easter Sunday.”

“And they were all murdered because they were Christians.”

“It was a popular place for tourists from all over the world.”

“Tourists who were celebrating as Christians.”

“Easter worshippers.”

“Are you ashamed of the gospel of Christ, Prime Minister?  People of other faiths get killed and you name the faith.  Why not Christians too?”

“Some of them might not have been Christians.”

“Prime Minister, as a vicar’s son myself, I find that offensive to their memory and cowardly.”

“Well, it was Easter and they were worshipping.”

“What about your recent deal with China?  Was that cowardly too?”

“A firm decision has not been made yet.”

“I put it to you, Prime Minister, that Gavin Williamson, as your Defence Secretary, in agreement with his opposite numbers in the United States, Australia, New Zealand and Canada, at the Five Eyes, told you it was wrong and in a fit of rage you invented a leak in order to have an excuse to fire him.”

“I was not responsible for that leak.”

“Then why not have an open inquiry about it?”

“I have drawn a line under that matter.”

“Have you drawn a line under Salisbury as well?”

“That was the Kremlin.”

“Where’s the proof, Prime Minster?  Why has the press no access to the Skripals?  Are they in The Village, Prime Minster?  Do you fantasize that you’re No. 2?”

“I have drawn a line under that matter too.”

“These questions won’t go away.  People are not only questioning your judgement, Prime Minister, they are questioning your mental state, your fitness for office.  Why don’t you make your health files open to public scrutiny?  Have you drawn a line under your health as well?”

“There is no line to draw.”

“Our time is up, Prime Minister, alas, but I put it to you, in closing, that your deal is dead and your time in 10 Downing Street with it.  Your country is saying to you now, ‘grieve and leave’ and, if you don’t, I think you are going to regret it for the rest of your life.  That’s all we’ve got time for, I’m afraid.  What can I say?  Too many questions still needing answers.  Goodnight!”

And it’s time for us to go too.

See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And after the success of ‘Frost Over Hitler’ on May 7th, Frost is back from ‘The Greatest Show Not On Earth’ to deal with another dictator, one who has illegally failed to honour March 29th as the default day to conclude leaving the European Union, whereby ‘no deal’ has to be the legal default setting in British law, has ignored 17.4 million voters who voted to leave, a clear majority of well over half the population and has refused to resign, despite being ordered to by cabinet, parliament, party and legal precident.

Even Hitler knew when to pull the trigger, but Theresa May is still in the bunker of 10 Downing Street, fiddling, while Britain burns!

It’s time for ‘Frost Over May.’

“Hello, Good Afternoon and Welcome, Prime Minister.”

“Yes, you are welcome.”

“Prime Minister, does the number 108 mean anything to you?”

“It’s the number of times Jacob Rees-Mogg has called this country a vassal state of the European Union.”

“No, it is, in fact, Prime Minister, the number of times between becoming Prime Minister in 2016 and March this year you publicly said ‘No deal is better than a bad deal.’ ”

“And it is better than a bad deal.”

“Then why, after March 29th, did you start saying ‘No Brexit is better than a bad Brexit instead?”

“Because no Brexit is better than a bad Brexit and the people of Great Britain and Northern Ireland have voted for Brexit and we have a deal, my deal and as Prime Minister I’m giving the voters Brexit and I’m getting on with the job of delivering Brexit to the British people.”

“But you have failed 3 times to get your deal through parliament because your deal is a bad deal.”

“Well, I disagree because I happen to think my deal is a good deal for the British and that’s what I’m getting on with the business of delivering.”

“Your deal ties Britain to a customs union. Is that  a good deal?”

“Brexit means Brexit.”

“Your deal prevents Britain trading freely with the United States and Britain’s own Commonwealth.”

“Look, I’m getting on with the job of delivering an orderly Brexit.”

“Prime Minister, do you ever watch ‘Call the Midwife’ with Philip?”

“Well, I don’t know the Duke of Edinburgh socially, so that’s a matter for him to answer, not me.”

“I mean your husband, Philip, Prime Minister.

“Well, yes, we have watched ‘Call the Midwife’ from time to time and I think the BBC offers licence-fee payers great value for money with such programmes.”

“I only ask because you always refer to Brexit as ‘my deal, which I am delivering to the British people.’  Prime Minister, do you see yourself as the midwife of Brexit?”

“Well, Brxit means Brexit and I am mandated to deliver Brexit to the British, but I don’t see myself as the midwife of Brexit.”

“What about the mother of Brexit?”

“Well, I’m just getting on with the daily business of government and that includes education, jobs, defense against terrorism and far-right extremists and Brexit is a very important part of my job and I want to deliver Brexit to voters in an orderly manner and that is what I am doing.”

“Prime Minister, you are a woman of a certain age, who possibly feels that life passed you by and you find yourself here now.  Isn’t Brexit your child?”

“Well, I’m not the problem, Philip likes to crochet and knit in bed, but Brexit is possible through my deal.”

“But your deal is dead, Prime Minister.  You are a woman holding on to a stillborn child, knowing, as you must do, that you will have to come to terms with it.  I really do think your health plays a large part in you behaviour over Brexit and I think if you don’t confront it now, I think it’s going to haunt you for the rest of your life.”

“Well, I don’t need to confront anything because I’ve got nothing to confront and if I did I wouldn’t be fit to remain as Prime Minister and my job is to deliver Brexit.  I believe my deals does deliver an orderly Brexit and that is what I am doing and that is what voters expect me to do.”

“And we’ll be back after  the break.”

And ‘Frost Over May’ concludes next week, when we’ll be focussing on foreign policy with the United States, Russia and China.  Be there!”

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last night we were watching a film with Mum and Dad called ‘The Camp on Blood Island’ made by Hammer in 1957, set in a Japanese prisoner-of-war camp.

And Mum dropped off halfway through and woke up to the line from one of the Japanese “we will take six of the hostages.”

And Mum said “What did he say?”

And it turned out, due to a misunderstanding, Mum thought the Japanese were going to “take six of the sausages!”

And then I said “Take only the beefy ones.”

And then I said the sausages would be “mostly gristle because they had been in a prisoner-of-war camp for three years.”

Later on, the Japanese said “We will take six more sausages.”

And I said “He’s going to take six more sausages.  They won’t have any sausages left at this rate.”

And I said “They would be meatless.”

And I said “Like that other film, based on ‘An Affair to Remember.’

And I said “What other film, based on ‘An Affair to Remember?”

And I said ” ‘Meatless in Seattle.’ ”

And I said “You mean ‘Sleepless in Seattle.’ ”

And I said “Yes, it was quite boring, really.”

Then the war ended, the film finished and we all went off to bed.

And I read the newspapers.

And I read a book on Josef Mengele because we were watching ‘The Boys from Brazil recently.

And later we got into a discussion on whether lightbulbs last longer on or off.

I said they lasted longer off.

And I said, whereas that was irrefutably true if you never turned them on, unless you want to live in darkness at night, they last longer left on during the hours of darkness because I know of a machine that has to be left on permanently, otherwise very expensive components will fail, therefore, constant on and off of lightbulbs caused wear and tear and uses more energy by the ignition every time they go on!

And I pressed his shoulder, like I was switching off a machine.

And I stopped talking mid-sentence , put my head down and stayed that way, motionless.

And I pressed his shoulder again, like I was switching him on again.

And I carried on talking, exactly where I left off, as if nothing had happened.

And I press his shoulder again.

And I switched off again.

And I pressed his shoulder again.

And I switched back on again.

Then I went to the bathroom to get the newsprint off my hands.  Amazing, we can put a man on Mars, but we can’t make newsprint that doesn’t come off when you read a newspaper!

And I came too and said “I seem to have been having this conversation for ages.  It’s like I’m talking and then you’re laughing and I don’t know why.”

And I pressed his shoulder.

And I switched off.

And I pressed his shoulder again.

And I switched on again and I said “It happened again then.  I was talking seriously and then you’re laughing and I don’t know why.”

And I laughed and put my hand on his shoulder and turned to wash my hands, without realising what I’d done and when I turned round I realised I had accidently switched him off again.

So she switched me on again.

And that’s what happens when you’re married to a brilliant actor.

And, unlike most married couples, we definitely know how to turn each other on!

We certainly do!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were discussing silly things that happened when we were children the other day.

And I remembered a science class in my first year in high school.

The teacher, for some unfathomable reason, got a bottle of ammonia out of the store room.

This was probably the same logic by which the army would let off a gas grenade, so everyone knew what poison gas smelled like, so they wouldn’t get gassed, even though they just had been.

If you really want to know what poison smells like, go into a toilet in an Indian restaurant on a Friday night in any British city, after students have spent all evening daring each other to have hotter and hotter curries!

Anyway, the teacher made it clear how to waft the ammonia towards you safely, like the bouquet of a fine wine.

And we’ve smelt wines that smell like ammonia, believe me!

And the teacher pointed out not to poke your nose right in.

But there’s always some idiot who doesn’t listen.

She pointed out “It’ll blow your head off” and for one, it did just that.

Imagine the scene, if you will.  Three long, wooden work spaces, complete with a sink and a bunsen burner each.  One to the right.  One across the back.  One to the left and one for the teacher.

The teacher opens the bottle of ammonia and hands it to me on the right.  I hand it to my right and so forth, until it gets back to the teacher and she puts the top back on and puts the bottle of ammonia away.

On we go with the lesson.

About twenty minutes later the teacher notices a boy is missing in action.

Has anyone seen him go to the toilet?

They have not.

He had been sat on a stool at the back, with two girls on the left and two girls on the right.

Suddenly, the second girl from the right says “He’s down here, Miss.”

We all gathered round the back of the lab.

And there he was. Spark out!

Bright yellow hair.  Bright pink skin, like Neolopitan ice cream, or Battenburg sponge.

How to bring him round?  Ironically, the answer was the same thing that knocked him out because ammonia, wafted under the nose, acts as smelling salts!

He came to, with bright pink eyes.

Apparently, the two girls on the right had a sniff and carried on nattering, he took a big sniff, right up the nose, then the two girls on the left had a sniff and carried on nattering.  No-one saw him go feet up.  No-one heard him go feet up.  He was like that.  You could honestly forget he was in a room.

I wonder what happened to him.

Probably became a chemist!

I also remember a boy who had a cold and reached for what he thought was his dad’s Vic’s Nasal Spray, but was, in fact, his dad’s Superglue.

By the time he got to his right nostril, the glue was very securely stuck up his hooter!

The took him to casualty.  The receptionist said “And what’s your problem, little man?”

And he said “Are you taking the mickey?  I’ve obviously got this glue stuck up me nonk, haven’t I.”

They eventually carved two new nostrils for him.

So, be warned.  Don’t stick any substance, legal, or otherwise, up anywhere, in case you can’t get it out again.

Yes, unlike Theresa May, always have an exit strategy!

Say Goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we had a singalong at the ‘Silly Cow’ the other night with the help of the jukebox and Miserable Les and his wife.

Estella Caste asked for something by Michael Bubble.

Maria Clitova asked for something by Billie Bank Holiday.

Botox Betty asked for something by Kiri Te Canopener.

Saddlesore Sally asked for something by Elephant John.

Yvonne Gingerly asked for something by Charles As-no-voice.

Silly Sausage asked for something by Julio Doubleglasias.

Then Longdistance Len, the retired lorry driver, caused confusion by asking for “Thirty Quid.”

Miserable Les thought he wanted change.

And Longdistance Len said “No, I want something by ‘The Thirty Quid.’ ”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “I think he means the Three Fivers.”

And we said “No, he means the Three Tenners.”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “Well, that’s inflation for you.”

And after we had something by the Three Tenners, we had a break and the Four Skins sang something from their new album, soon to be released on the FGM label.

Then we went back to our singalong with the jukebox.

Cy and Phyllis asked for something by Val Hooligan.

Miles and Mandie Cods-Wallop asked for something by Andrew Preview.

And Miserable Les suggested, to everyone’s agreement, that it should be the special arrangement of Grieg’s Piano Concerto by Grieg, as arranged by Mr. Eric Morecambe, with all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

Continuing the classical theme, Dick Wiggling asked for something by Yehudi Manure, played on his banjo.

Then Digby Quat asked specifically for ‘Cold Finger’ by Shirley Brassy.

Then Anne Archism caused confusion by asking for “Ravioli.”

And Miserable Les brought her a plate of Ravioli.

And she said “No, Lena Revioli.”

Archism by name, archism by simply being scatterbrained.

Chlorine Doreen then asked for something by Adam Adamant, while Miserable Les had a migraine tablet.

Then Soggy Chips, who has recently moved to our lovely little village of Upton Went, asked for “Anything by Golden Wonder.”

And Miserable Les brought him over a selection of Golden Wonder crisps.

And Soggy Chips said “No, I mean anything sung by Stevie Golden Wonder.”

Soggy by name, soggy be being just as scatterbrained as Anne Archism.

Then Mrs. Poddlops asked for something by Cilla Blackhead, while Miserable Les had another migraine tablet.

Then Noseybonk asked for something by Bobby Crushed.

Walter Gate asked specifically for ‘You’re the One That I Want’ by John Revolting and Olivia Newton-Abbot.

Then Miserable Les said there was time for one more.

So we asked for ‘Dance Fever’ from ‘Saturday Night Grease,’ as sung by the Hee Bee Gee Bees.

Then Whiskey Tango Foxtrot came out of the Men’s Room and said “What about Loo Rolls?”

And Botox Betty said “Oh yes, Lou Rawls.  I remember him.”

And Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “No, Loo Rolls.  There’s none in the bog!”

Now that’s a punchline.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And have you ever stopped to wonder what a confusing language English is, if you take it literally?

We have.

The World Wrestling Foundation says that an elephant dies every twenty-six minutes.

So, why doesn’t someone find this accident-prone elephant and stop it dying every twenty-six minutes?

Apparently someone is knocked down by a car every five minutes.

So, why doesn’t someone find this person and keep them indoors, so it stops happening?

A child starves every twenty seconds.

So, find that child and feed it.

Someone calls an ambulance every thirty seconds.

So, find this person, who is obviously a hypochondriac and give them something for it, preferably a one-way ticket to Siberia.

Someone flushes the toilet every ten seconds.

So, they either need a plumber to see to their toilet, or need to see someone about their own personal plumbing.

A homeless person dies every twenty minutes.

So, give them somewhere to live.

A child is born every three minutes.

Either tell her husband to cool it, or tell her to forget she’s a catholic and use the pill because every sperm isn’t sacred, but room on this planet is.

Every day someone dies in front of the television.

So, get them to either switch it off, or move their armchair.

Someone, somewhere, is always eating a Toffee Crisp.

I bet they are.

Someone has sex every ten minutes.

Have a cold shower.

They call it the Great Train Robbery.

But there was, in fact, no loss of train, only money.

They say ‘Keep Death Off the Roads.’

So, drive on the sidewalk.

During World War II there was the French Underground and the Dutch Underground.

But the London Underground is only a lot of electric trains.

The commercials say “Shh, you know who.”

But I don’t know who.

Black people are not black.

They’re brown.  Stop fighting.

White people are not white.

They’re pink.  Stop fighting.

Little green men from Mars are not little, green, or men.

Gay people are often quite unhappy and not happy and gay at all.

Why do vegetarians eat plants, when they kill them by eating them just as much as animals.

Tell them “No, I don’t agree with vegetarians because I refuse to eat the carcasses of dead plants” and then give them a copy of ‘The Day of the Triffids.’

If all religions pray to the same God, why are there any religions.  Stop fighting.

Both Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day.  Stop fighting.

When ET phoned home, did he reverse the charges?

How can anyone still like Theresa May?

And why is a mouse when it spins?

Never could work that one out, I think I need a lie down.

I’ll join you.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And in ‘The Greatest Show Not On Earth’ last week David Frost interviewed Adolf Hitler. Here’s how it went.

“Hello, Good Afternoon and Welcome to ‘Frost Over Hitler.’  My guest has been dead since 1945, but that hasn’t stopped him being here today, by special rod-hot visa.”

“Danker.”

“Mr. Hitler, does the number six million mean anything to you today?”

“Ya, it is the global worth of my paintings.”

“No, it’s not that at all.  Six million is the number of Jews, gays, Christians and jazz fans who died in the holocaust.”

“I never killed a Jew.”

“But you got others to kill them for you.”

“They were only following others’ orders.  Not my orders.  I never personally gave the order to kill Jews, or signed any.  I have nothing personally against Jews, but they thwarted the new Germany, like the European Union today.”

“We’ll leave the European Union out of this, shall we, Mr. Hitler?  What about your own ancestry?”

“I am arian through and through.”

“Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler?  Your ancestors were Jewish, weren’t they?”

“Nine.”

“Oh, there were a lot more than nine.  Is it not the truth, Mr. Hitler, that when you ordered the extermination of the Jews, you were, in fact, trying to extinguish your own non-arian, non Wagnerian roots?”

“I was giving them a new future.”

“You did that alright, Mr. Hitler.  You gave them a new future in Heaven, after they were stripped, poisoned and cremated.”

“I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, then.”

“So, you do now.”

“It’s not for me to say.”

“Oh, but it is, Mr. Hitler, it is.  What have you got to say to all the family and friends of the six million Jews you had killed if they’re tuning in now?”

“What would you suggest?”

“I think your own family history is complicated and I think you need to embrace your own Jewish parentage because, if you don’t, I think it’s gonna haunt you for the rest of eternity.”

“I was always a man of peace.  I always wanted peace.  Peace.  ‘A little piece of Poland, a little piece of France, a little piece of Portugal and Austria, per chance.’  I was only ever a corporal.  I was never a soldier.  The soldiers were the others.  I was only a politician.  The soldiers made me more than a corporal.  They said I made good speeches.  They said it was the speeches that were going to save Germany, but the Jews, they didn’t like my speeches.”

“They weren’t allowed to hear any of your speeches.  Any German with a Jewish background was not allowed the join the nazi youth, even if their fathers fought in the Great War.”

“That was so.”

“Except Corporal Adolf Hitler.  His Jewish family background didn’t matter, did it?  Why was that, Mr. Hitler?”

“They just liked my speeches.”

“But, according to your speeches, Mr. Hitler, you don’t qualify as Fuhrer.  You don’t qualify as a nazi either, do you?  You qualify for stripping, poisoning, cremating and exterminating at one of your own death camps, don’t you, Herr Schickelgruber?”

“May I ask you a question too, Mr. Frost?”

“Alright, just the one, yes.”

“How do you get a London taxi to stop, Frost?”

“Hail, Hitler!”

“You see, I got you to say it too!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, our time is up.  It’s not the way I like to end an interview, but there it is.”

And he walked off stage, as a member of the studio audience shouted “Good old Frostie!”

“However, Adolf Hitler went back where it is anything but frosty, where he is sentenced to the greatest number you can think of, plus one.

Ironically, the person in the next cell is Emil Zanundra!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And, back by popular demand, is Dr. Trump.

We asked him, as 45th Doctor of the United States, to give us his thoughts on some of his predecessors.

“Well, Dr. Washington, for me, was a great Doctor, which is great.  He was the first, the original, you might say.  Really, really great guy.”

“Dr. Washington ran away from his home planet of England and the society of the Time Lords, the Lord President of which was George III, who was crazy, but a great guy.”

“And he settled in a junkyard next to a swamp.”

“Dr. Washington was very grumpy, often fell over his lines and used to hold on to his lapels, but he was a great guy.  He was the first Doctor to battle the Daleks and he first battled the Cybermen, before saying ‘This body of mine is wearing a bit thin’ and regenerating into Dr. Adams.  Great guy.”

“Dr. Adams was often referred to as the Cosmic Hobo because his clothes never fitted properly, but he was a great guy, who first battled Yeti, Ice Warriors and the Macra Terror, which you can get ointment for now, believe me!”

He invented the sonic screwdriver, which is great if some sonic Mexican driver is screwing you, so you can have him deported, which is great.  We only want the best sonic drivers in America.  Not the worst.  That’s why we’re building the Sonic Wall to keep them all out, which is great, by the way and it’s coming.  I promise you the Sonic Wall is coming.  It’s gonna be great.”

“Dr. Teddy was known as the action Doctor.  He was the first Doctor of the United States to stay in Washington, DC, at the headquarters of UNIT at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  Great, great guy.”

“His Chief of Staff was Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and he was a really great guy.  Really great guy.  Dr. Teddy was also the first Doctor to have a limousine, which was a yellow roadster called Bessie, which was great.  Wish I had one now, I really do.”

“Dr. Lincoln was a very popular Doctor, which is great.  He was very alien and yet he was very human and he regenerated at a theater, after being shot by the Master and falling to his death.  Great guy.  Knew how to make a great exit, which is great.  Last words were ‘It’s the end, but the moment has been prepared for.’ ”

“Dr. Clinton was lightweight by comparison.  More of a horse Doctor, than a Doctor of the United States.  He was crazy about this dumb English game called cricket, which is like baseball, except no-one ever makes it to second base, it goes on for five days and if it rains, all the Englishmen wave their arms about and say ‘Ooh, please don’t let me get wet, please don’t let me get wet’ and run indoors.  Not great.”

“Dr. Nixon was a different Doctor.  He was more intense, short-tempered and shouted at his companions a lot.  His time as Doctor of the United States was cut short due to poor ratings following Michael Grade-gate, which involved a conspiracy not to re-elect the Doctor by the BBC, the British Biscuit Company.  Grade was not a nice guy and the Doctors of the United States were allowed to continue, but Dr. Nixon had to regenerate first.”

“Dr. Ford was a great guy.  He was great at falling down the steps of UNIT Air Force One and he was a great golfer, which is great.  When Dr. Ford moved down the fairway, the fairway moved with him, which is great.  As you probably know, I own Scotland, which I use as a golf course. The rest of it I lease to the Scottish.  Great, great guy.”

“Dr. Hoover was a great Doctor, but he didn’t get much support from the BBC while he was in office, so, most of his best work has been since leaving office as the current Doctor of the United States.  Great guy, though, which is great.”

“The War Doctor was otherwise known as F. Dr.  Great guy.  He was Doctor during the Time War between between the Democrats and the Republicans.  On the last day of the Time War he saved the day by freezing the Time Lords in an oil painting, like I did with Hillary Clinton.  Great guy.  He then regenerated into Dr. McKinley.

“Dr. McKinley wasn’t Doctor for long, but he made a great, great contribution.  Great guy.  Brave, too.  He didn’t flinch once when he was kissed by John Barrowman.”

“Dr. Eisenhower was a very popular Doctor at a time of calm, peaceful times, right after the Time War.  The ‘Happy Days’ years of Marlon Brando and James Dean and the Doctor battling against the McCarthyists, slimy monsters with scaled skin from another dimension.  Great days, which is great, right?”

“Dr. Kennedy was a nice guy, but he kept on getting into trouble, like the Bay of Pigs and the Cuban Missile Crisis.  Eventually he was forced to regenerate when he was killed by the alien Foamasi.”

“And my final choice is former Dr. Reagan, who was a great guy, unless you were an air traffic controller in 1982, or studying at Kent State University in 1970.  He had great Hollywood parties at UNIT headquarters, though, which is great.”

“May God bless you and may God bless the Doctor of the United States of America.”

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight and great, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

P.S. – That’s really great!

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last Saturday we were in the ‘Silly Cow.’

And the television was on.

And on came ‘Dr.Who’ starring Donald Trump as the Doctor.

And he was wearing a long scarf in Republican red.

And he said this:-

“I’m gonna make the universe great again.”

“Which is great.”

“I’ve saved the universe from the Daleks, which is great.”

“I’ve got lots of really great companions.”

“They’re all really, really great, which is great.”

“And I’m great because I’m the Doctor.”

“I said to the Daleks ‘Don’t you go sending anymore rockets off from Skaro because, if you do, anything could happen.’ ”

“And the Daleks stopped sending up rockets, which is great.”

“And I said to the head Dalek ‘If you wanna talk, we can talk.’ ”

And the Daleks said ‘Yeah, let’s talk,’ which is great for Americans and great for the whole world, right?”

“And I met with the head Dalek.”

“And the head Dalek, he’s a really great guy.  Really, really great guy.”

“And this head Dalek, he’s got a limited vocabulary, like Hillary Clinton.  I mean, they both say ‘Exterminate’ a lot, right?”

“And I said to this head Dalek, who’s a really, really great guy by the way, if you’re tuning in, I love you lots, ‘Look, I beat Hillary Clinton, who’s really a plastic-faced Auton and I beat the fake news of the Cybermen and I beat all those Sontarons in the White House press corps, so, who loves ya, baby, I can beat you too, right?’ ”

“And this head Dalek, you know, he’s waving his arms around and he’s getting all defensive and he’s saying ‘Ooh, please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, I didn’t mean all the things I said about you during the campaign.’ ”

“And I told this head Dalek if he stopped launching rockets at the Thals, we could get rid of our sanctions.”

“And he was going “Ooh, please don’t kill me, I didn’t mean the Thals any harm.’ ”

“So he stopped launching all those rockets at the Thals on Skaro and he turned out to be a really great guy, which is great.”

“So I saved the universe from the Daleks, which is great because I’m the Doctor and I’m gonna make the universe great again, which is great, right?”

“I mean,when you look at Hillary Clinton and all the rest of those Auton losers, I’ve beaten the Autons and I can beat them again, I’ve created more jobs than the Autons and I’vegot rid of Autoncare.”

“And I’m gonna keep all these aliens away because I’m gonna build a wall.”

“And the wall’s gonna keep the aliens out.”

“And do you know who’s gonna pay for the wall?”

“That’s right, Mexico!  Run by those Mexican Ice Warriors.”

“And we don’t want those Mexican Ice Warriors in America, right?”

“And we don’t want that Mexican Ice in America, right?  We’re gonna keep it out, trust me.”

“Because I’m the Doctor, which is great and I’m gonna make America great again, which is great.”

Then, I think, we woke up.

Although I dunno, though!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Grace.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we went into a pet shop the other day.

I said “Good morning, miss.”

And the person behind the counter said “What d’yer mean, miss?”

And I said “Pardon me, I have a cold.”

And he said “That’s alright, then.  What can I do for you, squire?”

And I said “I’ll tell you what you can do for me.  I bought this Monty Python from this very boutique not half an hour ago and when I got it home it was dead.”

And he said “No, it’s not, it’s resting after a long book-signing tour.”

And I said “It’s not resting, it’s demised.  I bought this here Monty Python for my pet parrot, Eric and he didn’t squawk once.”

And he said “Perhaps you’ve got a dead parrot.”

And I was ready for him and I said “Oh, no you don’t.  We’ve already had a sketch about a dead parrot and you’re not hijacking this one with cheap laughs at the expense of dead parrots.”

And he said “I wasn’t saying your pet parrot, Eric, is dead.  It was a pun.”

And I said “A pun!  Listen, matey.  ‘And now for something completely different.  Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?  Spam, Spam, Spam, egg, bacon and Spam.  I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK!  Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.’  You see?  Nothing!”

And he said “Look, it moved them.”

And I said “No, it didn’t, you nudged its’ cage.”

And he said again “No, it’s just resting.”

And I said “Look matey, I’ve just about enough of this.  This is a dead Monty Python.  It has met it’s maker. Bereft of life, it ceases to be. It’s not the Monty Pythongs, it’s a very naughty boy. The aonly reason it hasn’t fallen of it’s perch is because the Romans nailed it there. This is a late Monty Python!”

And he said again “No, it’s just resting.”

And I said “It’s not resting, it’s passed on.  Look, matey, I’ve just about had enough of this.  John Cleese and Michael Palin still cling to the delusion they saw the end of the age of defference.  Really?  Try doing Princess Diana car-crash jokes and see who laughs, matey.  Eric Idle still does ‘dick’jokes at the age of 75.  Terry Gilliam is an American.  Terry Jones can’t remember anything anymore.  And Graham Chapman is still dead!”

And he said ” ‘Always Look On the Bright Side of Life’ is the most requested song at British funerals.”

And I said “That only proves most Monty Python fans are dead!  What about some Princess Diana jokes for the living?  What about some witty repartee’ on leaving Europe, or the Royal Family, or China being led by a bloke called President Eleven?”

And he said “How about The Two Ronnies?”

And I said “Did they ever play the Hollywood Bowl?”

And he said “No.”

So I said “Then it’s scarcely a replacement, is it?”

And he said “My brother has a pet shop in Bolton and he might have a funny Monty Python.”

And I said “No, you don’t my lad.  I’m not going to be caught out like that.  If I go to Bolton, you’ll tell me, on a set suspiciously like this one, that it’s not Bolton, I’ll check at the railway station and say it is, followed by some irrelevant padding, I’ll come back here, you’ll say it was a palindrome and I’ll point out that the palindrome of ‘Bolton’ is ‘Notlob.’ ”

And he said “No, I won’t.”

And I said “Yes, you will.  You’ve been doing the same bleedin’ joke for 50 years!”

Then this army geezer turned up and told us we had to stop because it had all got “far too silly.”

So that was that.

Anyway, we’re off now to seek the Holy Grail, while musing on the Life of Brian and the Meaning of Life.

And what have the Romans done for us, anyway?

Say goodnight to all the nice Pythons, I mean people, around the world.

All the rest can hiss off.

We don’t mean it.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.