APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hello folks.  Happy Thanksgiving Day.  God Bless You All.

Apologies for not being around on Tuesday, things were just busy, busy, busy, but we did miss you!  Well, here we go again -relax and enjoy.

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last March Britain accused Russia of using a chemical weapon in an attempted assassination of a Russian citizen in Salisbury and Brian Maggot reported in his ‘Maggot Patch’ column in the ‘Daily Upton’ how Britain’s claims didn’t stack up and it could well be a cover story because Porton Down, the chemical and biological weapons facility, is less than 10 miles from Salisbury.

Now, Britain has got all excited again because they identified 2 Russians, who appeared on ‘Russia Today’ on September 13th, saying they were innocent.

Brian Maggot has been looking into the case again and this is how he sees it, in the form of an episode of the quiz show ‘The Chase.’

Question number one is “Are you Russian assassins, who were sent to Salisbury on a job last March?”

Is the answer either “No, we’re not,” “Yes, we are” or “Yes, we are Russian intelligence, but no, we were not sent to poison anyone in Salisbury?”

And the correct answer is “Yes, we are Russia intelligence, but no, we were not sent to poison anyone in Salisbury.”

Next question.  “Why did you come to Salisbury?”

Is it “We were tourists,”  “We knew the poisoned man and were asked to come to Salisbury because we used to work together” or “We wanted to see the world-famous Salisbury cathedral spire?”

And the correct answer is “We knew the poisoned man and were asked to come to Salisbury because we used to work together.”

Next question.  “The British government say you had the novichok poison in your luggage.  You say you did not and your luggage was searched at customs.  How can you prove the British government are lying?”

Is it “Because Russians always tell the truth,” “Because it would be effeminate for a Russian man to carry female perfume in his luggage” or “Because liquids are not allowed in hand luggage because of terrorist attacks, so it would be impossible?”

And the correct answer is “Because liquids are not allowed in hand luggage because of terrorist attacks, so it would be impossible.”

Next question, “Where did the novichock come from?”

Is it “Russia,” “Porton Down” or “Home Depot?”

And the correct answer is “Porton Down.”

Next question, “Who put the novichok on the front door knob?”

Is it “You, to poison him,” “Him, to poison you” or “You’re so clever, you work it out?”

And the correct answer is “You’re so clever, you work it out.”

Next question.  “If someone else put the novichok on the door knob, why were you not affected, but slight traces were found in your hotel room?”

Is it “Because it was snowing and you were wearing gloves,” “Because you didn’t touch the door knob” or “Because you’re immune?”

And the correct answer is “Because it was snowing and you were wearing gloves.”

Next question. “Was the novichok dumped in Amesbury by you?”

Is it “No, because we had already arrived back in Russia,” “Yes” or “How should we know”?

And the correct answer is “No, because we had already arrived back in Russia.”

Next question, “How did the novichok get to be dumped in Amesbury?”

Is it “Because it was planted there,” “Because the poisoned people were found between Amesbury and their home in Salisbury” or “Because you put it there?”

And the correct answer is “Because the poisoned people were found between Amesbury and their home in Salisbury.”

Next question.  “Do you think you have been framed?”

Is it “Yes,” “No” or “Yes and no.”

And the correct answer is “Yes.”

Last question.  “Why were you framed?”

Is it “For political reasons,” “For personal reasons” or “For political and personal reasons?”

And the correct answer is “For political and personal reasons.”

“Congratulations, you’re through to the final Chase.  Will our team go home with the jackpot, or will they be caught in the final Chase and go home with nothing?  We’ll find out after the break!”

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve been watching repeats of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?’ recently on the game show network.

And we thought of 3 alternative versions.

The jealous version.

‘Who Wants To Be a Greedy Bastard?’

Questions would be asked such as this.

“For a million, which you probably cheated out of decent, law-abiding taxpayers like me, when did you first decide to be a greedy bastard?”

“Was it ‘A – when you were at school, because you went to a fee-paying school, where you were encouraged to think you’re better than me by other people who think they’re better than you?’ ”

“Was it ‘B – when you were at university, because you went to Oxford, or Cambridge, or an Ivy League snobbish university, so you think you’re entitled to lord it over the rest of us poor slobs?’ ”

“Was it ‘C – at a Nazi fundraising dinner, to raise money to help Nazis escape justice, where you rubbed shoulders with a lot of other holocaust-denying, antisemitic, Hitler-loving sociopaths?’ ”

“Or was it ‘D – because your parents are elitist snobs who thought the sun shone out of your arse because you had a silver spoon shoved up it?’ ”

The Philanthropic version.

‘Who Wants a Millionaire To Be…?’

Questions would be asked such as this to millionaires who want to give away a million by answering 15 questions correctly.

“To give away a million, if I wanted to kidnap your wife and force you to pay a ransom of a million, where would be the best place to snatch her?”

“Would it be ‘A – when she drops off the children at their nursery?’ ”

“Would it be ‘B – when she goes to the hairdressers?’ ”

“Would it be ‘C – when she goes to meet her lover?  Didn’t you know about that?  I am sorry you found out this way.’ ”

“Or would it be ‘D – when she goes to the bank to get her jewels out of the safe deposit box?’ ”

And lastly, The Socialist version.

‘Who Wants to Beat a Millionaire?’

Questions would be asked such as this, in order to redistribute the wealth of the establishment elite back amongst the proletariat of the people, where it belongs, brother!

“To give away a million and probably a great deal more, in which offshore territory are your offshore bank accounts, with all that taxable income you’ve evaded for years, in an insult to the proletariat and to all socialist, comrade?”

“Is it ‘A – The Channel Islands?’ ”

“Is it ‘B – The Bahamas?’ ”

“Or is it ‘D – Switzerland?’ ”

In conclusion, it’s worth remembering that in the original song, the lyrics “Who wants to be a millionaire?” are followed by these lyrics.

“I don’t.”

“And I don’t.”

“Cos all…”

“…I…”

“…want…”

“…is…”

“…you!”

Food for thought after this Thanksgiving weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving and we’ll see you all again next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

You know, sometimes a person is said to “hopeless.”

But what is the definition of a “hopeless person?”

Hopeless is going on ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?’ and getting stuck on the 2nd question, asking the audience and getting around 25% for A, B, C & D, going for 50/50, still being stuck, phoning a friend, that friend saying which one it might be, asking “how sure are you?” and with only 2 remaining answers, receiving the reply “50/50.

Hopeless is going on ‘The Chase’ just to meet the chasers.

Hopeless is going on ‘Bullseye’ and being the lst couple knocked out, but getting the chance to gamble your money, losing and being shown what you would’ve won.”

Hopeless is going on ‘Bullseye’ and winning a speedboat, when you live in a council flat on the 17th floor.

Hopeless is saying “People won’t be turned off the idea of a female ‘Dr. Who’ after there have been 12 previous female ‘Doctors.’

Hopeless is buying a black and white dog because you thought the licence was cheaper.

Hopeless is being German and gratuitously watching your country lose in war films and thinking how different it all could’ve been.

Hopeless is being British and feeling guilty about beating Germany in 2 world wars.

Hopeless is being Scottish and introducing a minimum price for alcohol, just over a month before Hogmanay.

Hopeless is finding ‘Lost in Space’ more interesting than ‘Star Trek.’

Hopeless is being proud of yourself for giving up smoking, but getting through 60 e-cigarettes a day.

Hopeless is going to Alcoholics Anonymous and celebrating with friends at a bar afterwards about how well the meeting went over a large Sally Smirnoff.

Hopeless is a morbidly obese young woman with a T-shirt that say “You Wish.”

Hopeless is having a barbecue at a nudist camp and pricking the sausages with the wrong glasses on.

Hopeless is watching ‘Psycho’ to the end and still not knowing who killed Marion Crane.

Hopeless is going to see Ken Dodd on stage and not wanting to miss your last bus home.

Hopeless is thinking ‘Have I Got News For You?’ is really ad-libbed.

Hopeless is getting up at 6am and wanting to listen to boring old John Humphreys on Radio 4.

Hopeless is actually watching breakfast television, when you could have more sleep, get up later, have a cuppa tea and toast and leaving it at that.

Hopeless is thinking anyone actually still watches ‘Blue Peter.’

Hopeless is find ‘Desert Island Discs’ interesting.

Hopeless is NHS staff going on strike in the summer and then claiming they can’t cope with the backlog in the winter.

Hopeless is working for the NHS and finding watching ‘Casualty’ and ‘Holby City’ help you unwind at home.

Hopeless is paying to sponsor an animal, when you know it can’t write back to you.

Hopeless is giving a few pounds or dollars to a charity without thinking that it costs millions to make the commercials and to buy the airtime, so they could’ve helped millions of the sick, starving and homeless instead of trying to make their problem your problem by making you feel obliged to help.

Hopeless is not thinking for yourself.

Hopeless is not fighting for your individuality.

Hopeless is not being true and honest to yourself.

And that is the definition of a “hopeless person.”

We’ll see you all again next week.  Say goodnight to all the nice, individual, free thinking people around the world.

O.K, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just got back from visiting Mrs. Poddlops.

She’s had hell of a time of it lately. She was married to a Scottish Rector, whose parishioners used to call Sexy Rector. He was also a ‘Doctor Who’ fan and she had a shock the other month when, right in the middle of Scotland going the other way, her husband revealed he was going the other way too and ran off with a young Scottish ‘Doctor Who’ fan. His full name is Steven Nathan Orville Turner. She can’t bring herself to mention his name, so she only refers to him by his initials, which, of course, spell snot.

Anyway, Mrs. Poddlops has needed counselling after all this and her psychologist, Dr. Bollox suggested as therapy that she do her own version of ‘The Meaning of Liff’ by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, only making up words or using place names specifically relating to how she feels.

It worked so well, it looks like it might become a book in its own right. She thought she might call it ‘The Meaning of Whoff.’

She can’t stand the current ‘Doctor Whos.’ She’s got nothing against anyone Scottish or ‘Doctor Who’ fans per se and enjoyed it up to the time Russell T. Davies left. Since her husband walked out she can’t stand the combination.

Anyway, here are some of her definitions we liked very much and which we’d like to share with you.

Fashion Trendzalore – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan of a certain age whose fashion sense has been irredeemably affected by growing up watching too much ‘Doctor Who’ when he was in school, when no-one else he knew was bothered.

Dalek Relief – the act of urinating down a sewer grating on Westminster Bridge in the early hours of the morning when coming home from a night out with the boys after a ‘Doctor Who’ convention.

Parisian Farewell – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan who goes to Paris expressly to stand at the foot of the Eiffel Tower and shout up at no-one in particular “bye bye, Duggan.’

Parisian Welfare – what someone at the top of the Eiffel Tower need if someone stands at the foot of the Eiffel Tower and shouts up at them “bye bye, Duggan,” especially if their name happens to be Duggan and they worry who’s following them.

Fandabbydozy – a Scottish ‘Doctor Who’ fan who says “why can’t The Doctor be Scottish,” the answer to which should be “because he’s from Gallifrey, not Galloway.”

Gerrards Cross – an alien planet that looks just like a quarry because it is a quarry.

Krotonian – a monster costume in ‘Doctor Who’ that seemed a good idea at the time, until they saw it.

Ipswich – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan born between 1990 and 2004, therefore growing up without the programme on television regularly and always moaning ” I haven’t got my own Doctor because of the BBC.”

Gradeophobia – ‘Doctor Who’ fans who blame Michael Grade, amongst others, for getting rid of ‘Doctor Who’ in 1989, even though Michael Grade was at Channel 4 at the time, not accepting that the programme had lost all its appeal to a general audience and not accepting that the way fans reacted to the BBC didn’t help either.

Fanny – a ‘Doctor Who’ story in any media or non-fiction book only of interest to fans and with no appeal to others.

Basingstoke – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan, probably single, who watches every ‘Doctor Who’ story in chronological order, then immediately goes back to the start and does it all over again.

Kent – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan who lives under the delusion that because they like ‘Doctor Who’ everyone else in the country does too.

Birmingham – a ‘Doctor who’ fan who cannot and will not accept that, even if viewing figures plummet, it doesn’t mean that fewer people are watching.

Barnet – someone who treats anyone associated with ‘Doctor Who’ as their personal property, when they are human beings for whom ‘Doctor Who’ was one job in a long and distinguished career.

Deknob – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan who walks into a door because they’re so used to sliding doors. And what Mrs. Poddlops would secretly like to do to her husband after that fan showed him his sonic screwdriver!

Effingarsole – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan who buys a seat in the front row of a theatre showing a play with nothing to do with ‘Doctor Who’ but starring an actor associated with the programme and shouts out references associated with ‘Doctor Who,’ thus ruining the performance for everyone.

Absorbalot – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan of either gender whose weight has risen to alarming proportions because they have a whole box of chocolates whenever they watch ‘Doctor Who.’

Swindon – the difference between the number of syllables in Daleks’ lines of dialogue and the number of times their indicator lights flash on their domes.

Hope you enjoyed all that. We did and so did Mrs Poddlops.

And, as ever, we would just like to remind everyone that ‘Doctor Who’ fans like this are very rare. Don’t have nightmares and don’t find yourself hiding from ‘Doctor Who’ fans behind the sofa, as Mrs. Poddlops found herself doing.

We asked Mrs. Poddlops while we were visiting her today ” do you still miss your Sexy Rector?” and she laughed and said “not since I got my Sex Erector.”

Anyway, time for us to go now. See you next week.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.