APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And the other night we were watching a nude ballet version of ‘Adam & Eve.’

The aria started and they both started singing from off-stage.

Then they came on stage, from opposite sides, stark naked.

What made me laugh was that someone actually had the bare-faced cheek to be credited in the program as “Costume Designer.”

And there were plenty of bare-faced cheeks on show that night, I can tell you!

The only bits of costume we could see was that Eve was a healthy girl and had a skin-coloured hairnet bra and Adam was very well endowed in the nether regions and had on a skin-coloured thong, to stop his jiggly bits from flopping about all over the place during the performance.

As for the music, I don’t know my arias from my elbow.

You would if you were watching those two!

Then it got to the scene with the apple.

When Eve leant up to pick the apple from the tree her hairnet bra got caught in the scenery and she came down showing she had a lovely pair instead.

Then Adam danced over and tried to do Eve up again, while singing and dancing, while she holds this apple out for him, which he completely ignores for 3 minutes.

Would have saved a lot of trouble if Adam did that in the first place!

Then Adam took the apple from Eve and as he bit into it, one of his cherries popped out of his hairnet thong.

And, while singing a lament for lost innocence, Eve popped the miscreant testicle back in again.

It didn’t help that the actor playing the Voice of God developed a stutter out of nerves because of so many cock-ups and cock-downs, so the live “Be Gone!” had more bees in it than an English summer.

By the time he got to the end of the line Adam and Eve had been banished from the Garden of Eden for ages and there was no-one left on stage.

Altogether, great fun!

We were wondering if they might like to come back next year and do ‘Adam & Eve on Ice.’

If either of them slipped out that time they wouldn’t be so well endowed.

Doesn’t bear thinking out.

Mind you, they could put the heating on.

Yes, that’s a good idea, especially in case of costume malfunctions.

On the other hand, it might have its’ drawbacks.

Such as?

Adam and Eve might end up swimming through the last act.

In that case why not take advantage of the situation?

Meaning?

Adam and Eve do the deed on stage.  Enter Cain and Abel.  One kills the other.  All sorts of extras come on stage and start doing naughty things that anger God and they all die in the Great Flood!

Brilliant, I’ll write it tomorrow afternoon!

Well, it’s time for us to go, then.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were talking to the Reverend Archie Farcnad the other night about Macrobiotics in relation to the Garden of Eden.

Macrobiotics is eating naturally to become well and stay well.

To avoid excess protein from too much meat.

To avoid excess carbohydrates from too much sugar.

To live off the land and become closer to nature and closer to God, the universe and everything.

Did you know that Gloria Swanson was married to Rudolf Valentino?

Did you know that Rudolf Valentino died of prostrate cancer in 1926 and as a result Gloria Swanson finished with doctors, hospitals and operations and started living according to Macrobiotics?

Years later Gloria Swanson was diagnosed with cancer and just as the doctor assumed she would fall into his arms and beg for exploratory surgery, she refused.

He said she was killing herself.

She told him that it was exploratory surgery, like he was suggesting, that killed her husband in 1926 and that she would return in 2 years’ time to prove he was wrong and she was right to put her faith in Macrobiotics, to starve the tumor to death.

She succeeded and 2 years later returned and dared the doctor to find any trace of the tumor.

He couldn’t and died shortly afterwards, on the golf course, of a heart attack.

He should’ve listened to Gloria Swanson!

Notice the key words.  EXPLORATORY surgery means doctors don’t know what they’re looking for.  They only treat the SYMPTOMS, which mean people are still ill.  Macrobiotics cures the illness by treating the CAUSE, not the symptoms and the cause will be dietary.

So-called “medical professionals” take the Hippocratic Oath.  This is HYPOCRITICAL because Hippocrates treated the cause, while “medical professionals” only treat the symptoms.  It was all different in ancient Greece!

It’s a protection racket worthy of Al Capone.  Treat the symptoms and cut out what you don’t like to stay in, the person takes pills for every ill, the “medical professionals” get rich and the pharmaceutical companies, making pills for every ill, get even richer and give the “medical professionals” kickbacks.  It’s a con, so don’t be fooled!  Be responsible for your own health!

Be wise.  Use this interrogation technique on a “medical professional” of your choice.

Ask what is the cause of your ailment.  They’ll give you a lot of technobabble about latin words for parts of the body.

Press them again about what the cause of your ailment is.

They won’t know.

Then point out that, if they don’t know, you will seek out alternative forms of medicine.

I guarantee they will try everything they can to put you off and they’ll call them “health nuts” and “quacks.”

Then call their bluff and say you’re going to use Macrobiotics.

I guarantee they will become defensive, arrogant and red in the face because if you use Macrobiotics they certainly can’t control you, because you’ll be free!

Then tell them THEY are the one with the problem, NOT YOU and walk out and begin the rest of your life, because it works!  It worked for Gloria Swanson and it worked for Dirk Benedict and it worked for many others, from acne to cancer!  It works!

Then we got talking about Macrobiotics in the Garden of Eden.

It all depends on how we define KNOWLEDGE, SIN and TEMPTATION in the Garden of Eden.

TEMPTATION was being urged to eat the fruit of the Tree of Life.

KNOWLEDGE was eating that fruit.

SIN was what that fruit gave Adam and Eve.  Knowledge of the adrenaline  of eating what they wanted, rather than what they needed.

God had provided everything for Adam and Eve to live without illness forever, because their bodies were perfectly balanced.  The sugar-rush of the forbidden fruit unbalanced their bodies forever and brought SIN into the world, what you want, not what you need.  For Adam and Eve had brought illness and death into the world forever.

With the buzz their brains received from the fruit would lead, down the centuries, to sugar, tobacco, cocaine and murder, all because they wanted to know what it felt like.

That was the KNOWLEDGE God wanted to protect them from.  It was free will.  They failed.  You, on the other hand, could succeed with what we know now as Macrobiotics.  Go on.  Have a go.  You owe it to your mind and body to do so.  Say goodnight to all the nice, healthy people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.