Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
And this week, meet Mick the Angel. Up against Mick the Angel, Robert de Niro would come second in a Robert de Niro Contest.
“Hey, I’m Mick. I’m an angel. But I’m an angel like, if I was human, I’d be the Captain America of angels.”
“You know, the other night I heard this Australian guy talking about where matter goes when it enters a black hole.”
“This guy was as scientific as Crocodile Dundee and he was as likely to find the right answer as it is to find a real crocodile in Dundee.”
“He says he knows that matter goes somewhere when it goes into a black hole, but there’s no trace of it, bit like his IQ.”
He says he thinks the matter probably comes out of a wormhole, at the other end of the black hole, but he says he can’t prove it.”
“He says all this happens instantaneously, in what he calls ‘zero-time.’ He is Australian, remember, so I suppose we shouldn’t expect decent English.”
“Wake up, apeman!”
“Einstein didn’t know all the laws of physics. My boss, Big G, invented them and some of them are only known to members of the family. Capish?”
“The mafia may have their Godfathers, but we’ve a much older, much larger, family and we answer to the Father-God.”
“Now get this straight. There’s no ‘zero-time.’ It’s called the ‘Speed of Thought.’ Got it? Good.”
“We travel at the Speed of Thought.”
“We communicate at the Speed of Thought.”
“We’ve been doing it since that Adam went searching for fig leaves, while clutching his jiggly bits.”
“And for two thousand years humans in the family business have been doing it via Holy Spirit dot-com.” They call it Prayer. So get a life. They did!”
“Humans outside the family business are so pathetic. They use ‘mobile phones.’ They need ‘global positioning systems.’ They need ‘satellites.’ How primitive!”
!It’s called faith, monkey man. Do you think Noah used any of that rubbish?”
“Listen, we can take on any gang around.”
“Remember the Jericho Gang?”
“We walked round their city seven times, played our horns and the who lot came down. How’s that for blowing your own trumpet?”
“Remember the Egyptian Mob?”
“They wouldn’t let our people go, so the boss sent in Bullrushes Moses and got them out and parted the Red Sea and brought it down on the Egyptian Mob. No more Egyptian Mob.”
“The boss is everywhere. He misses nothing. If you’ve been a naughty boy or a bad girl, he knows all about it. He might send the boys round for a word. Know what I mean?”
“And if you’ve been a naughty catholic, don’t be surprised if you get a knock on the door and two big, hairy fellas with wings nail your pelvis to the coffee table!”
“To get back to those laws of physics. It’s all relative, isn’t it?”
“You can see plants growing though time-lapse photography. However, you can’t see the boss, not even through time-lapse photography.”
“You can bet he can see you, though. The boss moves in a ‘mysterious way.’ at the Speed of Thought.”
“That way the boss can be in all places at all times.”
“The boss is ‘the alpha and the omega.’ ‘He’s breakfast television to the epilogue.’ ”
“And for those losers who don’t think my boss exists, don’t be a plonker all your life, Rodney!”
“Anyway, I gotta go now. Some plonker called Dawkins is due a visit. Be good. Or we send the boys round.”
More from Mick the Angel another time.
Say goodnight, Gracie.
Goodnight, Gracie.
See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 