APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And Happy New Year!

If you were with us in November 2013 you’ll remember we discovered a time portal in our lovely little village of Upton Went and at the time of ‘Dr. Who’s’ 50th anniversary we popped forwards to see what the 60th anniversary was like in 2023.

Don’t tell  Colin Baker, but in 2023 he was still the least popular Doctor in ‘Doctor Who Magazine!’

Anyway, we thought it would be interesting to start 2017 by using the time portal again and having a look at the news in January 2027.

So, here is the news from 2027.

The first human born on Mars was reported today from Bowie Base One.  The proud parents, Philip and Nigel Gresley of 23 Philip Glenister Towers in John Simm Plaza, are both doing nicely.

In Washington National Cathedral the wedding took place of Father Ignasius and Sister Maria.  After the ceremony the groom told the world’s press, “This time it’s for keeps!’  Rumours that they had to get married were denied.

NASA’S terraforming Eden project has been completed in Ethiopia, making famine a thing of the past, together with cheesy charity singles every Christmas.

In Rome, following the death of Pope Jemima I at the tragically early age of 102, the Vatican has announced that her offspring from her marriage to Cardinal Sophia, was voted as her replacement and will be known as Pope Jemima II.  Viewers had been following the election process on ‘Apprentice Pope’ and ‘Cardinals Den.’

Since voting to leave the late European Union in 2016, Britain’s economy continues to thrive.  Meanwhile, France, Germany and Italy continue to struggle economically following the collapse of the European Union in 2021.

Following the so-called ‘Arms for Not Having Terrorist Attacks in Wales and Scotland’ scandal, involving not speaking out about fundamentalism in local areas and smuggling arms to the middle east, support for Welsh and Scottish parties fell at the last general election in 2025 to minus figures, which wasn’t thought possible.  This has led to said parties disbanding, which has made Britain far more united, which, in turn, has helped the economy.

A statue was unveiled today in the Philippines of Barack Obama.  The statue was dedicated in a ceremony to mark the Philippines becoming the 51st state by Donald Trump.

Following the privatisation of the NHS, Britain’s new Britticare system continues to do well.  The privatisation of the NHS took place in 2024, after public support began to disintegrate after junior doctors went on strike in 2016.  Matters had come to a head during ugly scenes in the all-out strike that lasted 12 months and ended in 2018.  Faith healers were openly  attacked outside hospitals, with shouts of “scabs” and all support was lost after the terrorist attack during the last night of the Proms, when the Royal Albert Hall was completely destroyed.  In emergency legislation the NHS was completely de-unionised and it was made illegal for anyone in the medical profession to belong to a trade union or to take industrial action of any kind.

Reading, writing and conversations have all made a nostalgic comeback since the Great San Andreas Earthquake of 2022, when Silicon Valley was completely destroyed, together with most of Southern California.  The world shortage of silicon chips has made the mobile phone, laptop computer and similar devices to become virtually museum pieces.  Finally, today the announcement has come that the last manufacturers worldwide of silicon chips will cease production at the end of the month.  At a press conference the CEO was quoted as saying “I’m sorry, folks, but that’s all she wrote.  We all have our faults.  Mine was in Southern California.”

Driverless cars have officially been declared a failure, following numerous  head-on collisions, where the passengers were furious they had no driver to take legal action against.

The results of the internet poll to find the top 10 choices for the world’s first celebrity clones have been announced by International Celebriclones.

In 10th place Jesus Christ, so Jesus can have another go.

In 9th place Adolf Hitler, so Jesus can put the bastards on trial at last.

In 8th place Marilyn Monroe.

In 7th and 6th place Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy.

In 5th place John Lennon.

In 4th place George Harrison.

In 3rd place David Bowie.

And in 1st place Lassie.

Someone should have a recount!

And that’s the news from 2027.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K. goodnight folks.  Happy New Year and see you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been looking through what’s on telly.

My Gran used to say to my Grandad “what’s on telly?”

And Grandad used to say “two ornaments and a doily.”

You can’t say that now, of course, because tellys are too blinking narrow to put any ornaments on.

I mean, who wants to have tellys mounted on the wall?

If my Gran wanted her telly mounted on the wall, Grandad would’ve needed a rope and tackle and treatments afterwards for a hernia.

Anyway, looking at the schedules first for Channel Bore, they start at 6.30 with ‘Hairy Blokes’ where lots of young men take half an hour to talk butch, look and sound tough, have arguments and end each episode with a blazing row and have a fight over some girl they all fancy.

At 7.0 there’s ‘Channel Bore News’ where they take a whole hour to say what everyone bores you rigid with in half the time, asking long, boring questions and constantly interrupting all their interviewees because they’re egomaniacs and love the sound of their own voice.

At 8.0 there’s a so-called reality show called ‘Jumpers’ where celebrities train for a professional ski jump, even though they’ve never done anything like it in their life before.

They’re always celebrities who were mildly well known about thirty years ago and have been spending the last decade or so recovering from bankruptcy and entertaining on cross-channel ferries, whichever one is worse.

At 9.0 there’s a live link-up with a casualty department in a busy hospital, where we follow the celebrities from ‘Jumpers’ as they recover from the injuries they suffered at the end of the programme when they attempted the ski jump.

And at 10.0 ‘Undertakers Live’ follows the celebrities from ‘Jumpers’ whose treatment in the casualty department didn’t go too well.

So much for Channel Bore.

Let’s see what’s on Eye TV instead.

At 7.0 there’s Haemorrhoidal Farm’ where people sit on stone walls and gossip, argue, snog (hate that word, but it’s apt) and end each episode by having a blazing row and having a fight over some girl they all fancy.

At 7.30 ‘Constipation Street’ is another banal halfhour just the same as ‘Haemorrhoidal Farm’ only in ‘Constipation Street’ it takes longer to have the next blazing row and fight and it takes place in a row of terraced houses instead.

At 8.0 ‘Hercules Parrot’ solves another simple case in very slow motion over two hours in nice middle class locations with no sex, violence (apart from several murders) or humour. If you haven’t worked out who did it before the first commercial break you’re either not paying much attention or you’ve shown great taste by dropping off to sleep within the first five minutes.

So much for Eye TV.

What’s on the British Bullshot Company?

More of the same, but without commercials.

At 7.0 ‘The One-off Show’ has two interviewees ganging up by interviewing celebrities both at the same time with difference questions on completely difference subjects.

These are what celebrities remain after appearing on ‘Jumpers’ of course. What you might call the walking wounded who desperately want to be seen on telly so their agents know they’re not dead.

At 7.30 ‘Westenders.’ Just the same as ‘Hairy Blokes,’ ‘Haemorrhoidal Farm’ and ‘Constipation Street’ but without a commercial break to relieve the monotony and when they get to the end of each episode they have an even more blazing row and have an even more vicious fight, all in the name of family pre-watershed entertainment.

At 8.0 ‘Strictly Come Off It’ expects viewers to vote for their favourite past-it celebrities who can still dance at their age and at their weight.

Most of them either end up puffed out, doubled up or being treated for a strangulated hernia. It’s got more spangles than a sweet shop and more pancake makeup than Shrove Tuesday.

See you next Shrove Tuesday!

At 9.0 ‘Ripp-off Street’ pretends to be about Victorian London, but all the music sounds like the Irish music in ‘Titanic’ and all the actors seem to think they’re in a Western.

At 10.0 ‘Musketeer Street.’ It pretends to be set in France, but the music is still Irish-sounding and it still feels like a Western. In fact it just looks and feels just like ‘Ripp-off Street’ because the British Bullshot Company desperately want to sell their dramas overseas.

And that just about sums up the British Bullshot Company.

You might think you’d always find something new and different on 24-hour news channels, wouldn’t you? But no. All you get is the same pre-recorded rubbish repeated every halfhour and if anything live happens they flog it to death until you’re sick and tired of so-called real life.

I think the best thing on telly is ‘In the Night Garden.’ The trouble is it’s so relaxing and pleasant I keep on wanting to go straight to sleep afterwards.

Speaking of which, it’s time for us to go now.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.