Hi, I’m Apple…
…and I’m Ginger.
And we heard a strange rumour this week from the Reverend Archie Farcnad.
Apparently it was told to him from someone who was at the General Synod.
That’s the place the Church of England goes to discuss odd sins.
General Synod is also a character in the next ‘Star Wars’ film!
Apparently the Church of England is complaining that all their cemeteries are filling up.
This is because people just won’t stop dying.
When this first became a problem, a group of clergy, whose relatives had been in the Nazi party during the war, came up with a novel idea being revived.
Cremate the bodies!
They thought no-one would make the connection with the concentration camps as long as no-one mentioned the war.
And Jews had their own cemeteries anyway, so who would notice?
It is ironic to think how many survived the concentration camps, including many Gentiles, only to be cremated eventually anyway.
A lot of irony there, should the subject ever come up in order to liven up a particularly boring dinner party.
Well now, the Church of England can’t force cremation on anyone.
Because it can be a hot topic because everything can’t burn to ashes and many funeral directors save all the other bits and sell them for recycling.
That’s true, that is!
And, strangely enough, another rather worrying parallel with the Nazi concentration camps no-one seems to notice, or care about. I wonder why?
Well, now they need a solution again.
So, they’ve already revived ovens and used the leftovers for recycling, what should the next step be?
So they had a meeting about it.
And another group of clergy thought of the answer.
One said “I think we’re attacking this problem from the wrong direction.”
And they all said “Well, how d’ya mean?”
And he said “What are cemeteries?”
And they said “Burial grounds, where friends and loved ones can pay respects, or leave a gift, or go for a nice quiet walk, or trace their ancestors.”
And he said “You’re all missing the point.”
And they said “Well you tell us, then?”
And he said “Cemeteries are Human Landfill.”
And they said “Well, how d’ya mean?”
And he said “What happens when the borough council finds their landfill sites are full?”
And they said “Well you tell us, then?”
And he said “They send their landfill to China and let them get on with it.”
“And so you’re saying we should bury them in China.”
“No, I’m saying sell our Human Landfill to China and let them do it for us.”
“But what if friends and loved ones want to visit?”
“They can go to China. It’s good for the planet, it’s cheaper, it’ll give us something for the Church Fund and it’s good PR with the Green lot. They’ll love it.”
“What if people don’t like it?”
“We don’t tell ’em. We keep one hole in the cemetery and get the coffin up after they’ve gone home and ship the coffins in a container to China.”
So, make sure you don’t get caught by the dreaded clergy. It can be very painful!
Next week we have a secret to reveal.
Do join us. By the way, you may have noticed, in Upton Went there is no death. Everyone lives forever in our lovely little village of Upton Went.
Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.
OK, goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.
themaster1968 