APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hello folks.  Sorry once again we’re late.  The usual hiccups with computers.  Never mind, we’re here now.  Enjoy!

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And for those of you who don’t know, there will be a British general election on June 8th.

Our own MP, Smith John, is bound to be re-elected to represent our lovely little village of Upton Went because he is unopposed.

There’s no-one running against him either.

Now, this general election comes with the real opposition being the European Union, as Britain has said FU to the EU.

Meanwhile, the Conservatives are over 20% ahead in the polls.

Labour are about as popular as mumps over Christmas.

The Liberals only have 8 seats.

The Green Party are hoping to double their seats in parliament to 2.

And the SNP are being a pain in the trossacks by banging on about an independence referendum only they want.  They had one only 3 years ago and the answer was a resounding “NO.”

Anyway, Walter Gate came across this marvellous piece of political satire about candidates on the Isle of Wight, written by Mrs. A Saxon.

For those of you around the world who don’t know, the Isle of Wight is the British Hawaii.  It’s got the British fleet in Portsmouth and every ocean liner in the world in Southampton.

“If it was the plot of a novel it would be a very bad novel, but the fact that this fiction is being presented as fact treats the electorate with contempt.  Councillor Julie Baker-Smith’s statement on April 24th amounts to a ‘truth’ which is a ‘fiction.’  She is correct in that Member of Parliament Andrew Turner did not have 60% of the vote, but what he did have was the majority vote over all other parties, which entitles him to be the Island’s Member of Parliament.  It appears her knowledge of democracy and her math simply do not add up.  Another term for democracy is known as ‘first past the post.’  Also,it appears Councillor Julie Jones-Evans wishes to become Member of Parliament for the Isle of Wight.  She appears to have 4 jobs already, so I don’t believe she will have the time to properly represent the electorate and so, to make an observation, people who tend to ‘throw their hat in the ring’ and ‘jump in feet first’ usually only succeed in getting very, very wet, especially on an island.”

What a marvellous satirist Mrs. A. Saxon is.  I hope we will hear more from her in the future.

I bet she’s got a brilliant husband encouraging her as well.

And I bet as a team they’re pure genius.

But we’re only guessing.

I wonder if she’s related to Harold Saxon, who used to be Prime Minister.

Yes, that’s the sort of leadership we need now.  A Prime Minister who looks like John Simm and who walks into the cabinet room of 10 Downing Street with a gas mask and wipes out all the opposition with poison gas.

That would certainly make the so-called Brexit much easier.

Yes, the Prime Minister could get all 27 opposing leaders of the European Union into the cabinet room of 10 Downing Street and gas them all.  Nothing personal.  Just business.

That sounds much better than 2 years of Euro-waffle and a lot of people across the EU would probably cheer.

If he stood again I’d vote for Harold Saxon.

Yes, if it hadn’t of been for that Dr. Who bloke interfering, he’d probably still be Prime Minister now, 10 years later.

I wonder whatever happened to Harold Saxon.

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now, but we’ll see you again next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world, even the politicians, well, the nice ones anyway.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just got back from visiting Mrs. Poddlops.

She’s had hell of a time of it lately. She was married to a Scottish Rector, whose parishioners used to call Sexy Rector. He was also a ‘Doctor Who’ fan and she had a shock the other month when, right in the middle of Scotland going the other way, her husband revealed he was going the other way too and ran off with a young Scottish ‘Doctor Who’ fan. His full name is Steven Nathan Orville Turner. She can’t bring herself to mention his name, so she only refers to him by his initials, which, of course, spell snot.

Anyway, Mrs. Poddlops has needed counselling after all this and her psychologist, Dr. Bollox suggested as therapy that she do her own version of ‘The Meaning of Liff’ by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, only making up words or using place names specifically relating to how she feels.

It worked so well, it looks like it might become a book in its own right. She thought she might call it ‘The Meaning of Whoff.’

She can’t stand the current ‘Doctor Whos.’ She’s got nothing against anyone Scottish or ‘Doctor Who’ fans per se and enjoyed it up to the time Russell T. Davies left. Since her husband walked out she can’t stand the combination.

Anyway, here are some of her definitions we liked very much and which we’d like to share with you.

Fashion Trendzalore – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan of a certain age whose fashion sense has been irredeemably affected by growing up watching too much ‘Doctor Who’ when he was in school, when no-one else he knew was bothered.

Dalek Relief – the act of urinating down a sewer grating on Westminster Bridge in the early hours of the morning when coming home from a night out with the boys after a ‘Doctor Who’ convention.

Parisian Farewell – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan who goes to Paris expressly to stand at the foot of the Eiffel Tower and shout up at no-one in particular “bye bye, Duggan.’

Parisian Welfare – what someone at the top of the Eiffel Tower need if someone stands at the foot of the Eiffel Tower and shouts up at them “bye bye, Duggan,” especially if their name happens to be Duggan and they worry who’s following them.

Fandabbydozy – a Scottish ‘Doctor Who’ fan who says “why can’t The Doctor be Scottish,” the answer to which should be “because he’s from Gallifrey, not Galloway.”

Gerrards Cross – an alien planet that looks just like a quarry because it is a quarry.

Krotonian – a monster costume in ‘Doctor Who’ that seemed a good idea at the time, until they saw it.

Ipswich – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan born between 1990 and 2004, therefore growing up without the programme on television regularly and always moaning ” I haven’t got my own Doctor because of the BBC.”

Gradeophobia – ‘Doctor Who’ fans who blame Michael Grade, amongst others, for getting rid of ‘Doctor Who’ in 1989, even though Michael Grade was at Channel 4 at the time, not accepting that the programme had lost all its appeal to a general audience and not accepting that the way fans reacted to the BBC didn’t help either.

Fanny – a ‘Doctor Who’ story in any media or non-fiction book only of interest to fans and with no appeal to others.

Basingstoke – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan, probably single, who watches every ‘Doctor Who’ story in chronological order, then immediately goes back to the start and does it all over again.

Kent – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan who lives under the delusion that because they like ‘Doctor Who’ everyone else in the country does too.

Birmingham – a ‘Doctor who’ fan who cannot and will not accept that, even if viewing figures plummet, it doesn’t mean that fewer people are watching.

Barnet – someone who treats anyone associated with ‘Doctor Who’ as their personal property, when they are human beings for whom ‘Doctor Who’ was one job in a long and distinguished career.

Deknob – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan who walks into a door because they’re so used to sliding doors. And what Mrs. Poddlops would secretly like to do to her husband after that fan showed him his sonic screwdriver!

Effingarsole – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan who buys a seat in the front row of a theatre showing a play with nothing to do with ‘Doctor Who’ but starring an actor associated with the programme and shouts out references associated with ‘Doctor Who,’ thus ruining the performance for everyone.

Absorbalot – a ‘Doctor Who’ fan of either gender whose weight has risen to alarming proportions because they have a whole box of chocolates whenever they watch ‘Doctor Who.’

Swindon – the difference between the number of syllables in Daleks’ lines of dialogue and the number of times their indicator lights flash on their domes.

Hope you enjoyed all that. We did and so did Mrs Poddlops.

And, as ever, we would just like to remind everyone that ‘Doctor Who’ fans like this are very rare. Don’t have nightmares and don’t find yourself hiding from ‘Doctor Who’ fans behind the sofa, as Mrs. Poddlops found herself doing.

We asked Mrs. Poddlops while we were visiting her today ” do you still miss your Sexy Rector?” and she laughed and said “not since I got my Sex Erector.”

Anyway, time for us to go now. See you next week.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.