APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were having a wine-tasting evening at the ‘Silly Cow’ the other night.

Only they forgot the buckets.

And Miserable Les said he wanted no spitting on the floor.

And we all agreed.

As Botox Betty said “What are we, baseball players?”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “We’ll all have to swallow, as the priest said to the tart.”

And Botox Betty said “What sort of tart are you referring to?”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “A strawberry tart. Wouldn’t you swallow a strawberry tart?”

And Botox Betty said “I can’t think about strawberry tarts with all this wine.”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “Well, you brought it up.”

And Botox Betty said “Please don’t say things like that, I feel queasy already.”

And Miserable Les said to Botox Betty “You’re determined to enjoy yourself, you are, love, aren’t you!”

Then we had our first round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a drop of this strawberry wine?” and had a glass himself.

Percy Withers said “A touch sardonic, but not cynical, yes, a most good-humored wine.”

And Hildegarde Withers said “Oh, really?  I rather liked it.”

Then we had our second round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a strop of this ghastly wine?” and had a glass himself.

And Longdistance Len said “I can see from that glass that your horse is very well.”

Then we had our third round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a wiss of this ghostly gwine?” and had a glass himself.

And Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “Best drop of wine since I had ‘Phu Yuk in Thailand.”

Then we had our fourth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a straw of this slippery slime?” and had a glass himself.

And Silly Sausage said “Yes, that’s from ‘Chateau Pissoir’ ’79, left-hand side of the vineyard, third row across, just behind the sewage works.”

And then we had our fifth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a slop of this gectar of the  nods?” and had a glass himself.

And Botox Betty said “I shouldn’t have anymore, really, I’m driving, but this reminds me of…umm…” and she dropped off…her seat.

Then we had our sixth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a gone cool arse of this bloody good plonk? and had a glass himself.

All those still conscious made appreciative noises.

Then we had our seventh round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a horse of this spranking pine?” and had a glass himself.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “Remember, if you hold onto the floor and it doesn’t spin round, your not drunk.”

Then we had our eighth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like a glass of whatever the hell this damn label says it is?” and had a glass himself.

Those brave souls still standing nodded sagely, careful not to open their mouths for a while.

Then we had our ninth round.  Miserable Les said “Would you like…some of this?” and had a glass himself.

The survivors all nodded carefully.

Then we had our tenth round.  Miserable Les said “Oh, sod it, let’s get pissed!” and had a large glass.

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “In the immortal words of the Psalms ‘And it came to pass…out’ ”

And he did!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we had a singalong at the ‘Silly Cow’ the other night with the help of the jukebox and Miserable Les and his wife.

Estella Caste asked for something by Michael Bubble.

Maria Clitova asked for something by Billie Bank Holiday.

Botox Betty asked for something by Kiri Te Canopener.

Saddlesore Sally asked for something by Elephant John.

Yvonne Gingerly asked for something by Charles As-no-voice.

Silly Sausage asked for something by Julio Doubleglasias.

Then Longdistance Len, the retired lorry driver, caused confusion by asking for “Thirty Quid.”

Miserable Les thought he wanted change.

And Longdistance Len said “No, I want something by ‘The Thirty Quid.’ ”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “I think he means the Three Fivers.”

And we said “No, he means the Three Tenners.”

And the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “Well, that’s inflation for you.”

And after we had something by the Three Tenners, we had a break and the Four Skins sang something from their new album, soon to be released on the FGM label.

Then we went back to our singalong with the jukebox.

Cy and Phyllis asked for something by Val Hooligan.

Miles and Mandie Cods-Wallop asked for something by Andrew Preview.

And Miserable Les suggested, to everyone’s agreement, that it should be the special arrangement of Grieg’s Piano Concerto by Grieg, as arranged by Mr. Eric Morecambe, with all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

Continuing the classical theme, Dick Wiggling asked for something by Yehudi Manure, played on his banjo.

Then Digby Quat asked specifically for ‘Cold Finger’ by Shirley Brassy.

Then Anne Archism caused confusion by asking for “Ravioli.”

And Miserable Les brought her a plate of Ravioli.

And she said “No, Lena Revioli.”

Archism by name, archism by simply being scatterbrained.

Chlorine Doreen then asked for something by Adam Adamant, while Miserable Les had a migraine tablet.

Then Soggy Chips, who has recently moved to our lovely little village of Upton Went, asked for “Anything by Golden Wonder.”

And Miserable Les brought him over a selection of Golden Wonder crisps.

And Soggy Chips said “No, I mean anything sung by Stevie Golden Wonder.”

Soggy by name, soggy be being just as scatterbrained as Anne Archism.

Then Mrs. Poddlops asked for something by Cilla Blackhead, while Miserable Les had another migraine tablet.

Then Noseybonk asked for something by Bobby Crushed.

Walter Gate asked specifically for ‘You’re the One That I Want’ by John Revolting and Olivia Newton-Abbot.

Then Miserable Les said there was time for one more.

So we asked for ‘Dance Fever’ from ‘Saturday Night Grease,’ as sung by the Hee Bee Gee Bees.

Then Whiskey Tango Foxtrot came out of the Men’s Room and said “What about Loo Rolls?”

And Botox Betty said “Oh yes, Lou Rawls.  I remember him.”

And Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said “No, Loo Rolls.  There’s none in the bog!”

Now that’s a punchline.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.