APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we thought that, as last week we touched on a little of the history of our little village of Upton Went, this week we could give you the complete and utter history of Upton Went, in ten easy lessons.

Now, the land where Upton Went now lies can trace its history back to the Roman invasion of Britain, when it was conquered by the Roman general Sillius Soddus, who had lost his right hand in a previous battle against the Celts and thereafter always held his weapon in his left hand.

He was known amongst his men as Sillius Soddus the Sinister.

For several reasons.

Back in Rome, tales were told in the senate of how Sillius Soddus helped conquer Britain single-handed.

Upton Went got its name when the Emperor Claudius first inspected the Roman garrison there.

He took one look and upped and went and the name stuck, like manure to a wellington boot.

At that point in the lst century AD the area around Upton Went was ruled by Ethelbert the Pig Ignorant, who surrendered to the Romans as soon as they appeared over the hill.

After the Romans left his throne was taken over by his closest relative, Ethel Ethelbert the Frightening.

And it was shortly after this that monks arrived in Upton Went and set up the first monastery in the village.

They were well known for their home-brewed wine and it was many years later that the current abbot of St. Uptons, St. Upton the Unfocussed, invented the special purgative of a secret recipe believed to include prune juice, syrup of figs and red peppers bought from local traders.

It sold so well in Upton Went that it became the first village in the British Isles to invent the air conditioner before the wheel.

Later, Upton Went was occupied by Viking raiders, led by the Viking Queen Agneatha, known across the whole of Sweden as the Viking Dancing Queen.

As we mentioned last week, Richard III spent 37 seconds in Upton Went in 1483 when one of his pages asked the way to Leicester. He was killed in battle only days afterwards and a blue plaque marks the spot where he stopped to ask the way, which by a strange coincidence happens to be just inside the entrance of the village car park.

Moving on, towards the end of the 16th century William Shakespeare was said to have also passed through Upton Went, while writing the manuscript of his last play ‘Love’s Labours Won,’ however, the manuscript was apparently destroyed following a misunderstanding at the local inn where he was staying, Ye Foolish Bovine, when they ran out of midden tissue.

In 1645 Matthew Hopkins, the famous Witchfinder General, burnt 127 local Upton Wentians at the stake for failing to go to church 3 Sundays in a row, not paying the church protection money and poking their tongues out at him.

Meanwhile, in 1746, Bonnie Prince Charlie once hid from the English in Upton Went until he realised he wasn’t in Scotland at all and his compass was on the fritz.

And in 1835 Charles Dickens first started writing ‘Pickwick Papers’ when staying in Upon Went, but later decided to change the location after feeling that Upton Went wasn’t the best setting for writing a classic piece of English literature in, due to the general strangeness of its inhabitants. Local scholars would say that the finished ‘Pickwick Papers’ wasn’t that much different and that the real reason was to hide the fact that he had been having an intimate liaison with the local school ma’am.

During the industrial revolution, Upton Went housed an insane asylum for overworked industrialists, who invented, amongst other things, the clockwork ballbearing, the lefthanded spranking coil and brown toilet paper.

During the 2 World Wars this asylum became a military hospital for officers who thought they were winning the war.

And continuing the military connection, during World War II Churchill had a secret meeting in Upton Went to discuss which German factories not to bomb as he had shares in them.

And bringing us right up-to-date, a few years ago Upton Went was used as the location for a ‘Doctor Who’ story, where all the inhabitants of a small village had been possessed by aliens and were behaving strangely. Not many lessons in acting were needed for the local extras.

And then there’s us. We came to Upton Went many moons ago. We love it.

Why do we love Upton Went? Well, for a start there’s very little pollution, apart from the monks’ purgative, there are no big, smelly factories or ugly tower blocks, we’re as far away from national politics as anyone could wish for and quite frankly, when we look around us, when all’s said and done, we think that, even though Upton Went has its eccentricities, compared with many other places, we think it’s one of the sanest, most honest and most normal places in the world.

And that’s not just our opinion, it’s also the opinion of the original St. Upton, who was famous for his monastic bestseller ‘Everything Is True.’

Although, he was later found to be lying!

Anyway, that’s all for this week. Say goodnight to all the nice people at home.

O.K., goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been having a chat with Foot-in-mouth Denise.

Now, Foot-in-mouth Denise is well-known around our little village of Upton Went.

Yes, she’s well-known for speaking her mind and being just about as popular as a pig at a bar mitzvah.

For instance, the Reverend Archie Farcnad wanted to get some-one to open the extension of the church graveyard.

And as legend has it that Richard III once spent 37 seconds in Upton Went while one of his pages asked the way to Leicester, he thought perhaps a member of the Royal Family might come and dedicate it.

Unfortunately, they were all busy, even Ricky Tomlinson, but it turned out that Camilla Parker Bowles was free one afternoon due to a last-minute cancellation.

As soon as Foot-in-mouth Denise heard this she said “not her, Camilla Parker Bowles looks like a ‘Spitting Image’ puppet of Princess Diana.”

Then there was the election for MEPs last month. When all the main parties started campaigning, Foot-in-mouth Denise had an answer for all of them.

Yes, she said she wasn’t going to vote Conservative because they picked on the disabled and immigrants and his wife had a tattoo.

She said she wasn’t going to vote Labour because their leader looked like something from ‘Wallace & Gromit’ and she hated ‘Wallace & Gromit’ because cheese gives her a migraine.

She said she wasn’t going to vote Liberal because they’d lied about student loans and their leader’s wife wasn’t British, so she didn’t trust them to make an objective decision concerning the EU.

And she said she wasn’t going to vote UKIP because Nigel Farage looked like a ventriloquist’s dummy having his photograph taken on Brighton Pier.

Why Brighton Pier?

No idea. Anyway, no-one can say that Foot-in-mouth Denise isn’t fair-minded because she had nasty things to say about all of them.

However, if diplomacy was a prerequisite of staying in the country, Foot-in-mouth Denise would be living in the top righthand corner of Outer Mongolia.

Then there was this year’s Upton Went Mobility Scooter Grand Prix.

It started on Whitsun Bank Holiday Monday and finished on Wednesday afternoon.

The organisers say if everyone hasn’t completed the course by the end of June they’ll have to be disqualified.

And the winner was an old gentlemen Foot-in-mouth Denise calls Davros because he’s very bad-tempered with motorists and if any drivers cut him up he drives after them at full speed waving his fist angrily in the air.

He was a Spitfire pilot during the war and the authorities have to keep on stopping him from fitting machine guns to his mobility scooter.

Then there was Guy Fawkes night last year when people were going around saying “penny for the guy” and Wilfrid B. Cribbins had just lost his wife. He missed her so much he decided to use his hobby to keep her around.

Unfortunately his hobby is taxidermy.

So he stuffed his deceased wife and continued to wheel her around in her wheelchair, talking to her.

Foot-in-mouth Denise took one look at the result and shouted “penny for the guy” and while Wilfrid B. Cribbins was explaining “that’s no guy, that’s my wife” 3 teenagers from the local school raised £3.50.

However, Foot-in-mouth Denise got her comeuppance the weeked we had this year’s Upton Went Summer Fete.

Yes, she volunteered to give kisses for a pound a go.

When we heard of this we had a word with a local pig farmer.

Yes, Shovel-it-Sid remembered when Foot-in-mouth Denise said his prize pig looked like Sarah Palin with lipstick on.

So, he turned up at the fete with his prize pig and pressed a 20pound note in her hand and tickled her tonsils for her.

Then he said the rest was for kissing his prize pig, which he’d put lipstick on especially for the occasion and that she couldn’t refuse because he’d already paid and it was all for a good cause.

The so-called good cause being to raise money for this year’s calender of the Nude Angler’s Society.

Anyway as soon as she saw the prize pig puckering up Foot-in-mouth Denise ran off screaming, only for her head to come into contact with a stray coconut from the coconut shy.

That coconut was very shy, was it?

Since then she’s been surprisingly polite, so it’s either the shock of it’s concussion.

Either way, if she keeps it up we’ll have to give her a different name.

Like Foot-in-mouth Lillian? Anyway, time for us to go now. See you next week.

O.K.goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW.

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just come back from the gallery.

Yes, we were wandering round the impressionists, as in paintings, not as in Mike Yarwood.

And we were cogitating on what Peter Cook and Dudley Moore said about the bottoms following you around the room.

And we couldn’t help noticing whereas the women are very large in the hips and bottom departments, the sculptures of men are noticibly underdeveloped in the trouser area.

They weren’t wearing any trousers.

Well, if they were, they would be very underdeveloped in that area.

Yes, they were slightly smaller than a strawberry.

Perhaps the sculptor’s studio was cold.

Perhaps. Or maybe they were embarrassed.

He might’ve run out of clay if he did that bit first.

I think I can see your point.

I wish we could’ve seen theirs.

Maybe it was stipulated.

I don’t know, they don’t look Jewish.

No, I mean maybe it was stipulated by the King that no statues should be better endowed than he was.

You mean no-one was allowed to have more crown jewels than the monarchy.

Not only that, the artists may not have wanted them to be better endowed than them.

Of course, if they were too well endowed they would be an obstruction when they were originally displayed in the street. People would keep on bumping into their appendage. His appendage could be a health hazard.

The chance should be a fine thing.

Anyway, didn’t anyone think any of the women’s chests or hips or bottoms might also have been a health hazard.

They’d certainly need a lot more clay.

That reminds me of when I heard that no-one ever wanted to have weather presenters with large chests because viewers in Northern Ireland were always ringing up complaining they could never see the map over Northern Ireland because her chest was in the way.

Is that true?

Yes, if you don’t believe me try and find a weather girl who isn’t flat-chested.

Anyway, I must say I don’t like nudity on television at all.

The weather girls aren’t nude, not even on Channel 5.

I know that, I was just saying I like to enjoy the performances.

They all say that.

Mock me not, you know what I mean.

You mean you want to concentrate on the acting.

I do. They’re only acting.

They all say that as well.

I’m being serious.

I know you are and I know what you mean.

I mean, there’s no story that you can’t tell without everyone staying vertical, so to speak.

Without making the beast with 2 backs, as Shakespeare put it, bless him.

Not only that, you never get any nude scenes in the plays on Radio 4.

There’s no arguing with that.

And when they could have nudity in something in a natural setting, they never do. I mean, you never see a drama or comedy series set in a nudist colony.

That’s very true.

And when they have cookery programmes, you never see anyone frying sausages in a nudist colony.

Just as well. It could be painful if they forget their glasses.

Big Bird was nude in ‘Sesame Street.’

That’s different. He’s a bird.

Bungle was nude in ‘Rainbow.’

That’s different. He’s a bear. With that it’s time we were off, don’t you think?

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’re just talking about when I was a member of the cathedral choir.

Fancy you as a choirboy.

No, I wasn’t a choirboy.

Well you weren’t a choirgirl, were you?

No, I was grown up.

What, you sang in the choir in the cathedral as a grown up and everything?

I did.

Why?

Because I read an advertisement in the paper that said the cathedral needed tenners.

What, for the new roof or something?

No, for the messiah.

Whose messiah?

Handel’s.

You sang Handel’s Messiah for a tenner?

No, I was a tenor singing Handel’s Messiah.

Oh, I see. Got you.

I also sang Mozart’s Requiem. Koechel 626.

Was Koechel 626 Mozart’s phone number?
Hello, Koechel 626?

No, Koechel is a person who catalogued all Mozart’s works. What you call K numbers.

Do you?

You do.

I see. Got you.

Mozart’s Requiem was the last thing Mozart ever composed.

So, after that he started decomposing?

Well, yes because he died.

I see. Got you.

He composed 8 bars of Lacrimosa before he died.

I once ate 8 bars of chocolate before I was sick.

Lacrimosa means “tears.”

So did those 8 bars of chocolate. Gave me a migraine as well. I was all blobby down the lefthand side.

After the 8 bars Mozart expired.

Yes, so did I after 8 bars. Never again.

So, what music would you sing along to?

Well, my tastes are very eclectic.

Except where bars of chocolate are concerned.

Eclectic means a variety of different styles that fit together to make a whole.

And that hole would be the big hole in the middle where you put the disc in the player?

Disc? What disc?

Compact discs.

There are compact discs? Instead of LPs?

You didn’t know?

Of course I did, you big silly. New are they, these compact discs?

If you consider 30 years new.

Well, I would if I was 2,000 years old.

And are you 2,000 years old?

No. I’m the same age as you.

People often do prefer vinyl over discs these days.

I prefer nylon myself.

You’re being dopey daft now.

I know, fun isn’t it?

Yes, it’s being mad that keeps us sane.

Anyway, let’s nip of and listen to Mozart’s whatsit.

Mozart’s Requiem?

That’s the chappie.

Why not?

And you can sing for a tenner.

O.K. first say goodnight to the folks at home.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been chatting again to Nina Naughtie, who you’ll remember we were talking about the other week because she writes numerous best selling novels all about the crime-fighting lollypop lady, Hetty Routeledge.

Now, Naughty Nina dropped a bombshell.

Must’ve been the curry the night before.

No, she dropped a bombshell that she had secretly been writing her autobiography.

Yes, it’s going to be called ‘This Is My Life’ and it’s going to be published soon by F.A. Goode. Probably.

Now, apparently, her literary agent suggested the idea and put her in touch with the publishers F.A. Goode, who specialise in showbusiness autobiographies.

So, she went to the offices of F.A. Goode and was met by one of their editors by the name of Susie Myrical, who said “I’m Susie Myrical and I’m going to be your editor for the evening, in fact I’m going to be your editor for months and months, until you’re sick of the sight of me and could cheerfully strangle me, while we knock this thing into shape for the sake of being about to sell more than just one or two because there are probably plenty who’ll say they’ve never heard of you. I had to google you myself.”

Great start.

It’s not for nothing she’s got on her personal website “if it’s a good book, it’s a Myrical.”

Anyway, Nina Naughtie went off and wrote her life story. How she grew up as the daughter of a family butcher in Barnsley and had one of the best childhoods you could wish for. How she went up to Oxford.
Just for the day. How she helped her mother run the Barnsley Union of Mothers and eventually became Secretary of B.U.M. How she was engaged to a Sir, how she was engaged to a Madam, how she travelled the world with her companion Lady B. Goode.

No relation to the publisher F.A. Goode, apparently.

All true. Probably.

Now, F.A. Goode are not Nina Naughtie’s usual publishers. F.A. Goode specialise in showbusiness autobiographies, which her regular publishers do not. However, by the time they were finished, Nina Naughtie felt there was more fiction in the edited version of her autobiography than in her whodunnits and considering what her whodunnits are like, that’s saying something!

The publishers didn’t give her an advance, by the way, but they did give her a loyalty card valid for weekdays only from 12-2pm for a chain of coffee shops F.A. Goode have shares in, called F.N.Goode Coffee, only valid for 6 months, so get a move on and get the thing written so we can muck about with it.

And muck about with it is certainly what they did.

Yes, she finished her manuscript, delivered it to the publishers, the publishers arranged for it to be printed into proofs and then they sent them for her to proof-read and to approve them.

And that’s when the proverbial bovine manure hit the electric device for circulating air!

When the proofs arrived, Nina Naughtie couldn’t recognise it as her autobiography. She phoned Susie Myrical and told her she’d been sent the wrong proofs. And Susie Myrical told her she’d bben sent all the right proofs, but not necessarily in the right order!

For instance, throughout her childhood everything seemed to be in order, however, as soon as the manuscript got onto her professional career in showbusiness, certain anecdotes were in the wrong order. A television programme she’d been involved with over Christmas 1996 called ‘Only Beer & Silly Cows,’ about Miserable Les as landlord of the Silly Cow, had mysteriously moved to Easter 1991. A comedy series she wrote called ‘Read My Lips, No More Taxis,’ about a cab company struggling to stay in business, which came out a pilot on ‘Comedy Wendyhouse’ was instead credited as being shown on ‘Feed My Funnybone’ which was shown on a different channel at a different period completely There were loads of changes like that.

And when Nina Naughtie confronted Susie Myrical about all this she said they had a policy at F.A. Goode that all chapters of biographies and autobiographies must have 3 major incidents in them. Some had more. Some had less. They needed balancing.

Yes and she also referred to a disclaimer that they use on the copyright page of all their non-fiction books and that many other publishers of biographies and autobiographies do the same.

And she quoted the disclaimer as saying “this book is a work of non-fiction based on the life, experiences and recollections of the author. In some limited cases names of people, places, dates, sequences or the details of events have been changed solely to protect the privacy of others. The author has stated to the publishers that, except in such minor respects not affecting the substantial accuracy of this work, the contents of the book are true.”

Well, Nina Naughtie told her in no uncertain terms that if details of events, names of people, places, dates, sequences of events and so forth have been changed, there’s not a lot left of the book to be accurate or true. Have a look for yourself at autobiographies’ copyright page at the front and you may well see such a disclaimer for yourself.

Anyway, Nina Naughtie said that using dramatic licence with her life-story was one thing, but she was going to be the one who would have to put up with letters, texts and phone calls from friends, family and fans asking how could she get the details of her own career so wrong and was she getting pass it?

So, she told F.A. Goode the answer was a big fat “no” and she’s going to publish her life-story in fictional form as one of her whodunnits, with F.A. Goode as the murderer. That way there’ll be more truth down on the page for fans. With that we’d better nip off and chose a book for bedtime. Say goodnight.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

and we’ve just been talking to Timmy Tadpole.

Now, Timmy Tadpole has just written a best selling novel.

At least it will be a best selling novel after millions of people have bought it.

And millions of people might well buy it if Timmy Tadpole can get publishers to pull their fingers out and recognise the next big thing when it crosses their desk.

And Timmy Tadpole has got a big thing in his hands right now.

He’s so fed up with publishers making excuses about the “current economic climate” and “not having the resources to take on new clients” and weak-kneed, cowardly excuses like that.

What he needs is a publisher with balls.

Balls standing for the British-American Library Lovers Society.

So, he got in touch with the British-American Library Lovers Society and asked them to recommend an agent, so he could start selling his first best seller and become the next big thing.

And they sent him a brochure.

Unfortunately, it was a brochure of time-share cottages in the Ukraine, which they had shares in, but which wasn’t much use to Timmy Tadpole.

However, in a covering letter they told him that what he needed to do was get in touch with a prat.

Prat standing for Pike, Roker, Angel & Trout, experts in personal management and literary agents.

So, Timmy Tadpole made an appointment to see someone at Pike, Roker, Angel & Trout.

And so he arrived for an interview with what turned out to be Seamus Pike, senior partner.

And Timmy Tadpole explained that he needed personal management and a literary agent to get publishers interested in his best seller.

And Seamus Pike said he understood perfectly.

And Timmy Tadpole started explaining the plot of his best seller.

And Seamus Pike said if he had to explain the plot it would never sell. A joke that’s really funny doesn’t need explaining. People laugh. A song that’s really catchy doesn’t need explaining. People sing. A plot that’s really a best seller doesn’t need explaining. People buy.

Then he asked if he’d brought a copy of his manuscript.

So, Timmy Tadpole gave him a copy of his manuscript and he said he wanted to go into the next room and read through it and give Timmy Tadpole his expert opinion following years and years of professional experience.

And exactly 4minutes 37seconds later he came back in and gave Timmy Tadpole the benefit of his expert opinion following years and years of prefessional experience.

And his opinion was that it would never be a best seller because it was too intelligent.

And Timmy Tadpole said that he understood that high concept storylines were popular.

And Seamus Pike said that was a fallacy because all high concept storylines are really low concept and populist crap underneath, only with pretentious codswallop on top such as smartass dialogue, complicated ideas and by having at least 2 flashbacks every time the plot begins to sag.

Then he explained to Timmy Tadpole that he’d made the common mistake of assuming the way to write a best seller is to write something good.

And anything good won’t sell.

And he told him that crap sells because people are crap.

Charming bloke, isn’t he?

And he went on to explain that if someone reads a book that is good they will feel inadequate and depressed because they believe they could never write anything that good.

Whereas if someone reads a book that is crap they will feel superior and happy because they believe they could do a much better job themselves and could never write anything that bad.

Therefore, the way to sell something to a publisher is to write something that is so bad it’s good and which will not make the publishers jealous because most of them are failed authors and they hate to read anythig better than they could write themselves.

Therefore, they believe no-one will buy anything better than members of the public could do themselves.

And there, in a nutshell, you can see why no-one reads books anymore, unless they’re setting out to prove no-one can write anything better than they can themselves.

And so Timmy Tadpole did not become a client of Pike, Roker, Angel & Trout.

No. He realised he’d been wasting his time writing the next big thing and that it was all a mug’s game.

So, instead he’s going to set up a personal management agency with his 2 brothers and sister-in-law called Tadpole, Tadpole, Frog & Tadpole. With that we’re off to write something I can guarantee will be read tomorrow. A note for the milkman!

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been talking to Tattie McIntosh.

Now, Tattie McIntosh runs the local newsagent.

And we were just chatting to each other the other evening about pop music.

Yes and I said “I’ll go and make a cup a tea before we settle down for the evening and do whatever it is we feel like doing.”

And I said, because I felt a bit fatigued, “wake me up.”

And then I said “wake me up before you go go.”

And I said “that was by that pop group, whatever their name was. Pow.”

And I said “Wham.”

And I said “I knew it was one of those words they used during the fight sequences in ‘Batman’.”

And the doorbell rang and it was Tattie McIntosh.

And she looked a bit pale so we said “come in” right away.

And I said “do you want a cup a tea, the kettle’s on?”

And she said “do I?”

And I said “that’s what I said, do you?”

And she said “yes.”

So it was a relief we got that out the way.

So, anyway, about halfway through the cup a tea I asked “so what’s up?”

And she said “my blood pressure, that’s what’s up.”

And we said in unison, “well, how come?”

And she said the police had called and she’d accidentally nearly killed one of them.

So, we had to ask, didn’t we?

So, we did.

And she said that she’d written to complain that the local police station had been closed due to cuts.

Yes, instead of having a police station there’s a desk in the library.

And the police are opening themselves up to ridicule and it serves them right.

Yes, people are coming into the library, going up to the policeman at the desk and saying “I want to report a crime.”

And the policeman gets the right form out and takes down all the particulars and when he asks “what is the nature of the offense?” they say “my neighbour owes 27p on his library book” and walk off.

Anyway, trying to do the right thing, two of them, one male, one female, probably, it’s hard to tell beneath all that uniform, called to listen to all her concerns.

Unfortunately, they both had a slight body odour problem.

Yes, she said they absolutely stank of stale cigarette smoke.

They were probably spending too long in their car, with the windows up, smoking and whistling the theme from ‘Z Cars’ their parents used to sing them to sleep with in the hope they wouldn’t grow up to be skinheads, so she told us.

Now, as Tattie McIntosh is a total non-smoker because she has asthma and so always had to avoid smoking, the first thing she did was point out to them that they stank.

And she went straight into the kitchen and told them to follow her and as soon as they sat down in the kitchen she sprayed both of them with furniture polish to hid the stink of stale cigarette smoke and then took her inhaler because asthma is no joke.

That’s right.

Then they discussed her complaint and she made her thoughts perfectly clear and they both probably wished they hadn’t bothered to come.

Then she changed the subject and said “excuse me for asking, but do those stab vests really do any good?”

And they said “yes.”

And she said “can I try them out for myself?”

And they said “yes.”

And before they could say ‘Dixon of Dock Green’ she’d got a carving knife and was stabbing away at one of them.

And then she said “they’re quite effective, aren’t they?”

And they said “yes” with their voices noticeably higher.

And then she said “but what if someone did this?” and pointed the carving knife at their necks. The next thing she knew one of them was on the floor, covered in blood.

And she said “have I killed him?” and she laughed and said to her “no, he’s fainted and knocked over your tomato sauce bottle.”

So, we’d better go now and help Tattie McIntosh get her strength back because she gave herself a nasty shock.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been talking to Nina Naughtie.

Or Naughty Nina as she’s known to her friends.

Or Twice-Nightly Nina as she’s known to her very close friends.

Or Naughty Twice-nightly as she’s known to her closest of close friends.

Or Squidgy as she’s known to her partner.

Or Babes as she’s known to her mum.

Now, Nina Naughtie is a novelist.

She writes whodunnits.

She writes a book a year and sells millions all about her crimebusting lollypop lady, Hetty Routledge.

Amongst her best selling whodunnits are ‘Hetty at the Crossroads,’ ‘Hetty all at Sea,’ ‘Hetty Spaghetti,’ set in Venice and ‘Sweaty Hetty,’ set in the Australian outback.

She gets up at the crack of dawn, gets dressed up in her best ballgown, waits for her secretary to arrive and dictates for eight hours nonstop, six days a week.

She’s done this for years and years and what’s more astonishing is that she lives on the twelfth floor of a tower block on a housing estate and whereas there are gang wars and drugs deals going on at ground level, on the twelfth floor Hetty Routledge is solving another murder thanks to the unlimited imagination of Nina Naughtie.

We think her secretary is really her cleaner who comes up every day to tell her all the gossip of what’s happening on the ground and she puts it all down on paper and then sells millions of copies of every book.

Now, because Nina Naughtie has become such a best selling writer and is a household name, at least in her own household, she was asked by the Diaphragm Book Prize to shortlist novels for this year’s awards.

Well, quite honestly, it would’ve been better if the Diaphragm Book Prize had been one of Hetty Routledge’s whodunnits because all the shortlisted authors seem to be hellbent on murdering literature.

Every year it seem authors are coming up with more and more bizarre titles to draw attention to what is really a very boring book.

And every year they seem to think that the more controversial the title is and the more it refers to bodily functions or some sort of taboo the more it apparently draws attention to their boring novels as a sort of badge of honour.

More like a badge of dishonour! Like an ASBO for books.

Added to that there’s the fact that, as well as fewer people reading books, even fewer take any notice of awards for books they have no intention of buying anyway.

And with that in mind the Diaphragm Book Prize shortlists books with more and more outrageous titles in the hope that the publicity they attract gets the awards in the press and therefore gets the books in the press as well.

And this year the Diaphragm Book Prize really managed to hit rock bottom by having every shortlisted novel having something in the title to do with bodily fluids.

Charming!

So, you have been warned beforehand.

This year’s shortlist for the Diaphragm Book Prize are ‘Fifty Shades of Phlegm’

‘How to Vomit in Polite Company’

‘The Art of Farting in Mixed Company’

‘How to Look Good on a Date When You’ve Crapped Yourself’

‘Where Has All the Brown Toilet Papaer Gone?’

‘Mind Over Faecal Matter’

‘Never Wear Light Trousers If You’re a Supply Teacher’

‘How to Survive Diarrhoea in the Desert Without Really Trying’

‘You and Your Poo’

And finally ‘People With Weak Bowels Shouldn’t Have Glass Toilets’

Now, what all these novels are actually about we don’t know and frankly we daren’t think.

I’m a sensitive soul.

Well, aren’t we all?

Anyway, it’s time we were off now.

Yes, I’m off to have a read. I’m reading ‘9 1/2 Minutes.’ It’s about an intense love affair set against the backdrop of speed dating.

I’ve read that already. At the moment I’m reading ‘The Story of N.’ It’s a prequel to ‘The Story of O.’

So, we’ll see you here again next week. Have a good week.

Say goodnight to all the folks at home.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

A

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been talking to Whisky Tango Foxtrot.

And we asked him how he was getting on with Fango, who, you’ll remember, is his pet tiger.

And he said someone stopped him in the street the other day and actually ended up acting out an old joke, although they were so full of their own importance they didn’t get the irony.

Yes, Whisky Tango Foxtrot was minding his own business walking down the street walking his pet tiger and this interfering knowall stopped him and said “You shouldn’t be walking that tiger in the street, you should take him to the zoo.”

So he did, but he didn’t take him to his local zoo, he took him to Copenhagen zoo because he wanted to give them a piece of his mind about the healthy giraffe they destroyed earlier in the year, just because it was the wrong sex.

Yes, he demanded to speak to the manager and wouldn’t leave until the manager came out of his hiding place and faced him.

Then he told him it was wrong to kill a healthy animal just because it’s the wrong gender.

And before he replied and said anything about their breeding program, he told him straight not to hide behind that because it was wrong, it was unethical, it was cruel and it was sexist. He couldn’t care less about their breeding program.

And he told him how would he like it if people were put down simply because of their gender. No-one would stand for it. It’s eugenics. It’s wrong.

And with that Fango cocked his leg and peed all over him and Whisky Tango Foxtrot left him, dripping there.

Anyway, he was walking down the street with Fango again and that knowall stopped him again and said “I thought I said you should take that tiger to the zoo.”

And Whisky Tango Foxtrot said “I did, tonight I’m taking him to the theatre” and with that he left him, lying there.

He fainted you see. Whisky Tango Foxtrot is completely against violence, except in self defence.

However, he soon came to again because Fango peed all over his face.

All this upset Whisky Tango Foxtrot because he’s a sensitive soul.

Well, aren’t we all?

So, to take his mind off it, we asked him if he was looking forward to Peter Capaldi in ‘Doctor Who.’

We soon found out he was.

Yes, it was twenty minutes before he took a breath.

Whisky Tango Foxtrot has always been a big ‘Doctor Who’ fan.

Whisky Tango Foxtrot is a big everything.

But we love him for it, don’t we?

We do indeed, in fact he went on to tell us about when he was in the army they used to have courses for the visual effects technicians from the British Bullshot Company.

Yes, they used to teach them how to use live shells, so they could do all the special effects and pyrotechnics safely.

And the army were only too pleased to hold these training courses because they had stocks of shells that were past their sell-by date.

Or their kill-by date.

And, apparently, the army were not allowed to use these shells that were past their sell-by date in case they hurt someone.

But they could use them on training exercises.

So, that’s what they did.

And as for ‘Doctor Who’ Whisky Tango Foxtrot said he was glad Matt smith had regenerated because he always felt there wasn’t enough bite and attack in the cut and thrust of the dialogue, whatever that means.

And also said that he hoped ‘Doctor Who’ with Peter Capaldi would start off more like’Spearhead from Space’ or ‘Power of the Daleks’ and not like ‘The Twin Dilemma’ or ‘Time of the Rani’ and that as the season developed there was more of ‘The Ark in Space’ rather than ‘Attack of the Cybermen’ and that during the Peter Capaldi era there were plenty of stories like ‘The Talons of Weng-chiang’ and ‘Genesis of the Daleks’ and no stories like ‘Victory of the Daleks’ or ‘Nightmare in Silver.’

I hope you understood all that.

We didn’t. Well, alright, we did understand it, but we wanted to stay neutral.

In fact, you may remember last November we popped forward to the 60th anniversary in 2023 and Peter Capaldi was very good indeed.

But we can’t tell you how long he plays the Doctor for.

Spoilers!

But what we can say is you’ll have a great time. Anyway, time for us to go now. Say goodnight to everyone.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been chatting to Big Bad Bovver Sheila.

Now, Big Bad Bovver Sheila lives up to her name.

Yes, Sheila is her name and she happens to be from Sydney. However, if anyone, male or female, thinks she’s called Big Bad Bovver Sheila because they hear her accent and assume wrongly that it’s because she’s Australian, they soon find out why she’s called Big Bad Bovver Sheila because big bovver is what they get.

She hates anyone being politically correct. She calls people who are politically correct something that rhymes with cupid stunts and when she gets fed up with people who take themselves and their jobs too seriously she usually turns the air bluer than a smurf’s bum and ends by saying something that rhymes with clucking bell.

So you get the idea about Sheila. She loves to have a really good laugh and cannot stand people who whinge on about changing tastes in comedy or literature.

Yes “do they think Shakespeare’s dated?” she says. “Clucking bells, no!”

And “do they think Agatha Christie’s oldfashioned?” she says. “do they, cluck!” She’s a happy soul and she gets very fed up with boring whingers because they make her depressed.

Now, as it happens, Sheila has a good outlet for her frustrations, because she works at the local quarry blowing things up.

Yes, she always wanted to work in a quarry blowing things up. She could work anywhere she likes. She graduated from Hang Em High and then studied at the University of Hard Knocks where she ended up with a masters degree in English Literature, which explains where she knows all the old invectives from.

Her dissertation was “A Thousand Ways to Blow Things Up Without Hurting Anyone or Getting their Hands Dirty.”

Whenever someone makes Big Bad Bovver Sheila fed up she paints a picture of their face on a rock in the quarry and blows them up, figuratively speaking.

Now, all this is by way of an introduction because one day Sheila was telling us how much she enjoys opera.

Opera Winfrey?

No, opera as in singing in Italian and leaning against a piano on stage until you leave a big dent in it.

And it just so happened that we had a spare ticket to go and see Kiri de Canopener.

And as soon as we mentioned Kiri de Canopener,Sheila got ever so excited and said she thought the world of Kiri de Canopener and loved her arias.

So we invited Sheila to come with us and she was so happy she put her arms round both of us at once and we couldn’s speak for minutes afterwards until we got our breath back.

She gave us a lift to the theatre in her pickup truck and she’d got all dressed up in her best frock.

Unfortunately no-one makes nice frocks in Sheila’s size, so she has to buy them from a costumier’s that makes frocks for female impersonaters.

But she doesn’t mind. She laughs about it because she likes to have a good laugh.

However, when we were having a drink in the bar before the performance a man in a pinstripe suit mistook her for a man in a dress and asked her out.

He soon realised his big mistake when she shouted “I’m a clucking woman, you sexist, cupid stunt ” or words to that effect.

And with that she bought the biggest box of chocolates she could buy and we went into the auditorium and she sat between us and ate her chocolates all through the performance.

She did offer us the hard centres, though.

There were tears of joy in her eyes when Kiri de Canopener came on.

And it turned out that Kiri de Canopener had heard that Sheila had been upset in the bar before the performance and she invited us all to her dressing room after the show.

Sheila gave her a great big hug and offered her the last chocolate in the box and said “I love your arias.”

And Kiri de Canopener took the last chocolate in the box and said “you’re not so bad yourself.”

And Sheila asked Kiri de Canopener if there was anything she could do to thank her for being so thoughtful.

And Kiri de Canopener said she understood from the smooth talking bar steward that Sheila blew things up in the local quarry.

And when Sheila said that was true, Kiri de Canopener said she’d always wanted to blow something up ever since she was a little girl opera singer.

So Sheila invited her to the quarry and the following afternoon there was Sheila and Kiri de Canopener, in their best frocks sinking the plunger.

Not a euphanism!

And on the rock Sheila had painted the face of Kiri de Canopener’s agent, on request.

And with that we’ll say cheery bye until next time.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been looking through what’s on telly.

My Gran used to say to my Grandad “what’s on telly?”

And Grandad used to say “two ornaments and a doily.”

You can’t say that now, of course, because tellys are too blinking narrow to put any ornaments on.

I mean, who wants to have tellys mounted on the wall?

If my Gran wanted her telly mounted on the wall, Grandad would’ve needed a rope and tackle and treatments afterwards for a hernia.

Anyway, looking at the schedules first for Channel Bore, they start at 6.30 with ‘Hairy Blokes’ where lots of young men take half an hour to talk butch, look and sound tough, have arguments and end each episode with a blazing row and have a fight over some girl they all fancy.

At 7.0 there’s ‘Channel Bore News’ where they take a whole hour to say what everyone bores you rigid with in half the time, asking long, boring questions and constantly interrupting all their interviewees because they’re egomaniacs and love the sound of their own voice.

At 8.0 there’s a so-called reality show called ‘Jumpers’ where celebrities train for a professional ski jump, even though they’ve never done anything like it in their life before.

They’re always celebrities who were mildly well known about thirty years ago and have been spending the last decade or so recovering from bankruptcy and entertaining on cross-channel ferries, whichever one is worse.

At 9.0 there’s a live link-up with a casualty department in a busy hospital, where we follow the celebrities from ‘Jumpers’ as they recover from the injuries they suffered at the end of the programme when they attempted the ski jump.

And at 10.0 ‘Undertakers Live’ follows the celebrities from ‘Jumpers’ whose treatment in the casualty department didn’t go too well.

So much for Channel Bore.

Let’s see what’s on Eye TV instead.

At 7.0 there’s Haemorrhoidal Farm’ where people sit on stone walls and gossip, argue, snog (hate that word, but it’s apt) and end each episode by having a blazing row and having a fight over some girl they all fancy.

At 7.30 ‘Constipation Street’ is another banal halfhour just the same as ‘Haemorrhoidal Farm’ only in ‘Constipation Street’ it takes longer to have the next blazing row and fight and it takes place in a row of terraced houses instead.

At 8.0 ‘Hercules Parrot’ solves another simple case in very slow motion over two hours in nice middle class locations with no sex, violence (apart from several murders) or humour. If you haven’t worked out who did it before the first commercial break you’re either not paying much attention or you’ve shown great taste by dropping off to sleep within the first five minutes.

So much for Eye TV.

What’s on the British Bullshot Company?

More of the same, but without commercials.

At 7.0 ‘The One-off Show’ has two interviewees ganging up by interviewing celebrities both at the same time with difference questions on completely difference subjects.

These are what celebrities remain after appearing on ‘Jumpers’ of course. What you might call the walking wounded who desperately want to be seen on telly so their agents know they’re not dead.

At 7.30 ‘Westenders.’ Just the same as ‘Hairy Blokes,’ ‘Haemorrhoidal Farm’ and ‘Constipation Street’ but without a commercial break to relieve the monotony and when they get to the end of each episode they have an even more blazing row and have an even more vicious fight, all in the name of family pre-watershed entertainment.

At 8.0 ‘Strictly Come Off It’ expects viewers to vote for their favourite past-it celebrities who can still dance at their age and at their weight.

Most of them either end up puffed out, doubled up or being treated for a strangulated hernia. It’s got more spangles than a sweet shop and more pancake makeup than Shrove Tuesday.

See you next Shrove Tuesday!

At 9.0 ‘Ripp-off Street’ pretends to be about Victorian London, but all the music sounds like the Irish music in ‘Titanic’ and all the actors seem to think they’re in a Western.

At 10.0 ‘Musketeer Street.’ It pretends to be set in France, but the music is still Irish-sounding and it still feels like a Western. In fact it just looks and feels just like ‘Ripp-off Street’ because the British Bullshot Company desperately want to sell their dramas overseas.

And that just about sums up the British Bullshot Company.

You might think you’d always find something new and different on 24-hour news channels, wouldn’t you? But no. All you get is the same pre-recorded rubbish repeated every halfhour and if anything live happens they flog it to death until you’re sick and tired of so-called real life.

I think the best thing on telly is ‘In the Night Garden.’ The trouble is it’s so relaxing and pleasant I keep on wanting to go straight to sleep afterwards.

Speaking of which, it’s time for us to go now.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just got back from the quiz night at the Silly Cow.

Yes, Miserable Les had never tried a quiz night before.

No and it’s safe to say it went just about as well as the nativity play did last Christmas, when, you’ll remember, the doll used to play the baby Jesus kept on saying “I want to go to the potty” and got eaten by Whisky Tango Foxtrot’s pet tiger, Fango.

Are we likely to forget?

Anyway, Miserable Les had written all the questions himself and the first one was “which part of Australia is the ‘Wizard of Oz’ set in?”

That just about set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We tried to explain that the ‘Wizard of Oz’ had nothing whatsoever to do with Australia, but Miserable Les couldn’t get the point.

The next question was “in the science-fiction film ‘Zool – A Space Odyssey’ who played Zool?”

We tried to explain that was no-one called Zool and it was supposed to be ‘2001 – A Space Odyssey.’

But Miserable Les said “well that’s not what I’ve got down here.”

So we all shouted in unison “well what have you got down there?”

And he said “Richard Strauss.”

We tried to explain that Richard Strauss wasn’t an actor, but Miserable Les was adamant because he’d read on t’internet that “Zool – A Space Odyssey’ was played by Richard Strauss.”

We tried to explain that was the music, but he couldn’t get the point.

All was going well so far.

Yes, Miserable Les’ quiz night was going down like a French kiss at a family reunion.

And no-one had scored any points, like Norway used to do at the Eurovision Song Contest, but nowadays the United Kingdom does.

The next question was “where was ‘Oklahoma’ set?

Easy!

You think so?

Miserable Les insisted it was California because it was filmed in Hollywood.

We tried to explain it was a stage musical before it was a film, but he couldn’t get the point.

Then he asked “in ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ who played the Streetcar?”

We tried to explain, but you get the picture.

We all shouted in unison “there aren’t any streetcars in it.”

But Miserable Les was adamant that someone played the Streetcar.

Someone shouted out sarcastically “Reg Varney.”

But Miserable Les insisted that because Vivien Leigh played Desire, Marlon Brando must’ve played the Streetcar.

We all shouted in unison “oh no he didn’t.”

But Miserable Les shouted back “oh yes he did and he looked like one too!”

Then he asked “in the 1975 television series ‘The Invisible Man’ who played the Invisible Man?”

Now, I shouted out correctly “David McCallum.”

But Miserable Les said “no, that’s a trick question because no-one can see the Invisible Man so no-one can play him.”

Honestly, it’s like arguing with a politician on election day!

Yes, there’s no-one as thick as someone who’s right in his own mind, especially when they’re wrong!

I said “David McCallum honestly was definitely in ‘The Invisible Man.'”

And Miserable Les said “good guess, but David McCallum was in ‘Sapphire and Steel’ with Diana Rigg.”

I said “you mean Joanna Lumley.”

He said “anyway, it was one of the Avengers.”

At which point we all got fed up and started throwing salted peanuts at Miserable Les.

And Miserable Les ducked for cover behind the bar and shouted “please don’t assault me with my own nuts!”

There’s no answer to that!

Needless to say there’ll be another British Liberal Prime Minister before there’s another quiz night at the Silly Cow!

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now, but we’ll see you again next time.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were just talking to Yvonne Gingerly.

No relation.

And she was telling us about Mike and Mandie Cods-Wallop.

Now, Mike and Mandie Cods-Wallop are newlyweds.

And, even though Mike plucked up enough courage to ask her to marry him and Mandie plucked up enough courage to say “yes,” they’re both a bit on the shy side.

And marriage has not made them any the less shy.

And according to Yvonne Gingerly, who heard it from Botox Betty at the hairdressers the other day, both of them have been hiding their shyness by, to put it politely, enhancing their appearance, if you catch my drift.

None of which has reduced their shyness and which, so Botox Betty overheard at the hairdressers, caused some embarassment the other night.

Yes, they started what they hoped would be an amourous night of hot passion by going to the theatre.

Mike had bought them two tickets to a play called ‘Skin,’ thinking it was like ‘Hair’ and involved a lot of nudity.

Which he hoped would get them both in the right mood, if you know what I mean, with all the full-frontal rudity.

Unfortunately, it was only when the play started that they found out that ‘Skin’ was in fact a very serious play about middle-aged, middle class men coping with the onset of baldness.

And the closet thing anyone came to any suggestion of romance was a jokey line where one character said to one of the balding men “who loves you, baby?”

Yes, reminds me of the night we stayed up to watch what I thought was a religious programme called ‘God’s Gift.’ It turned out to be a dating game show!

Needless to say, they left the theatre early and went instead for a candlelit dinner at Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant.

Unfortunately, the candlelit dinner didn’t prove to be all that romantic as the candle set fire to Mandie’s hair extensions.

And the resulting flames set of the sprinklers.

Katarina was most apologetic and ushered them into the back room where they got dried off.

Katarina also wanted to make amends by offering them a free night in her guest room with breakfast in bed all thrown in.

That’s all thrown in with the offer, not all thrown in the room because that would be icky.

That’s right.

So they decided to take her up on her generous offer.

And apparently all the business of getting drenched and drying each other off got them in the mood for love.

Takes all sorts!

Now this is what apparently happened, as told to us by Yvonne Gingerly, who heard it at the hairdressers from Botox Betty, who put the pieces together from what she overheard Katarina saying and what she heard from Mandie.

They both undressed down to their undies, then Mandie took off her false eyelashes.

And Mike took out his contact lenses.

Then she took off her earrings.

And he took of his earrings.

Then she took off her bust enhancers.

And he took out a rolled up sock from his Y-fronts.

Frightening, isn’t it!

Yes, no wonder she was always finding odd socks!

Then she went into the bathroom to get herself ready, if you catch my drift.

And when she came back he was flat out fast asleep and snoring his head off.

So she lost all her amourousness, so to speak and dropped off too. She was left amourousnessless.

It seems they took so much time taking off all their enhancements and accessories that they wore themselves out before they had chance to do anything else.

The moral of this story is “honest couples have more fun!”

Only honest couples have enough time and energy to have more fun!

Anyway, that’s all we’ve got time for this week, we’ll see you again next time.

And remember, if you’re planning on going for a candlelit dinner this weekend, don’t pick a restaurant with sprinklers.

And if you’re going to the theatre, make sure you read the reviews first.

Yes and we’ll look forward to seeing you again next week.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

I’m sweet…

…and I’m fruity.

Speaking about being fruity, we were talking to Nosey Bonk.

Or Nosey Bonk was talking to us because he never stops.

He’s a terrible gossip, but, whereas we don’t like to gossip, his stories are so weird and wonderful we find ourselves hooked.

Nosey Bonk was telling us about Hylda Picklethwick. Try saying that without sounding like your lisping!

And Hylda Picklethwick thought she was pregnant. It turned out to all be wind and 9 months later, in the maternity ward of Sisters of Little Mercy Hospital, she gave birth to a healthy 7lb fart.

She called him Freddie and everyone knew him around the village as Freddie the Fart.

However, he was always very unpopular when he appeared at parties and always brings the conversation to a complete halt. He always makes heads turn when he enters a room.

He’s also very unwelcome at swimming baths.

Yes, despite his bubbly personality.

In fact he causes an awful stink wherever he goes. After spells as a banker, chemistry teacher, marriage counsellor and manager of a sweet shop, he went into politics and became an M.P.

All that hot air had to go somewhere, didn’t it?

Then Nosey Bonk was telling us about Tatty Fashion-sense.

She always wears grotty-looking clothes, that look like they came from the sale at the charity shop, because she wrongly thinks she looks fashionable.

She doesn’t. She looks like Wurzel Gummidge in lipstick.

And Nosey Bonk said that Tatty Fashion-sense saw Botox Betty coming in the opposite direction.

And Tatty Fashion-sense said to Botox Betty “excuse me, but one of your breasts is hanging out.”

Botox Betty then flew into a panic and screamed “oh no, I’ve left the baby on the bus!”

Then Nosey Bonk told us he bumped into Lugless Douglass.

Everyone bumps into Lugless Douglass because he doesn’t hear them coming.

He once had both his ears bitten off by his pitbull terrier.

Then he was telling us about Silly Sausage.

We call her that because that’s what she calls herself because she always laughs at herself out of nervousness and lack of self-confidence.

However, she had a very interesting point. Looking at Easter cards she was talking about all the glitter litter. It’s seems even worse at Christmas. “It gets everywhere, Silly Sausage.”

Silly Sausage!

“There should be a non-glitteration pact, Silly Sausage.”

Silly Sausage!

“The glitterati should speak out about the glitter litter on shop floors, on cards, on counters and on fingers, Silly Sausage.”

Silly Sausage!

“What harm does glitter litter do the the ozone layer, Silly Sausage?”

Not-so-Silly Sausage!

“If I had an x-ray I might have glittery lungs, Silly Sausage.”

Not-so-Silly Sausage! Quite sensible, really.

Then Nosey Bonk was telling us about Pain-in-the-arse Pete.

Whenever you meet him he always ask a favour, such as sponsoring his daughter, who is grown up and has lived away from home for seven years, who is allegedly walking across Antarctica for charity for twenty quid a mile, when the reality is clearly that she is ringing up asking him for money, with him believing every lie she tells him because she’s still daddy’s little girl.

Honestly, if he was a Roman, they would’ve called him Sillyous Soddus!

Then there’s Sue Doku, who always does mind puzzles such as sudoku and comes up with the phrase “I’ve just done a fiendish one” at inopportune moments in polite company.

Especially if Freddie the Fart is in the room!

Finally, there’s Gory Gabby, who is obsessed with horror, blood, gore and screen violence, with no understanding of the reality of what she’s saying.

Nosey Bonk said she met her match the other day when she was giving evidence at a coroner’s inquest into a nasty road accident she witnessed.

Yes, the evidence she gave was so graphic she made the coroner feel ill and she was done for contempt of court.

It was the blood, the whole blood and nothing but the blood and it turned his stomach as he had black pudding in the canteen. Anyway, time we were off. Say goodnight to everyone.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

We were just lamenting the death of the obituary.

Yes, we used to like to read obituaries of comedians and actors who we shall miss, they were often like potted biographies.

But lately they’ve been filled with mistakes, wrong dates, biased opinions that look down their noses at television and concentrate more on theatre and cinema.

I think the problem might be lazily writing them from websites, rather than taking the time to check facts in reference books.

One tribute even gave the wrong information and then the right information later on and no-one ever noticed the difference.

So we lament the death of the obituary. R.I.P., Godspeed.

We were also last week wondering where did all those ‘Blankety Blank’ Cheque Books and Pens, ceramic Dusty Bins and Bendy Bullys go to?

Think of all the ‘Blankety Blank’ Cheque Books and Pens that were handed out, from 1979 to 1989.

Think of all the Ceramic Dusty Bins that were handed out on ‘321’ from 1978 to 1987.

Think of all the framed photographs that were handed out on ‘Family Fortunes,’ from 1980 for too many years to remember.

It was alright if you won, but if you lost it was a permanent reminder of the blankety blankers who beat you!

Think of all the Bendy Bullys handed out on ‘Bullseye,’ from 1981 to 1995.

Lovely, smashing, great!

And then there was ‘Crackajack!

‘Crackajack!’

Think of all the ‘Crackajack’ pencils given away to schoolchildren, from 1954 to 1983.

I don’t expect they’d have any lead left in their pencils now after all these years.

Jim Bowen used to say on ‘Bullseye,’ between bad jokes, “you couldn’t beat a bit of Bully.”

Whatever that was supposed to mean!

And he said that Bendy Bullys would be collector’s items.

So where are they all?

They should be on ‘Antiques Roadshow’ alongside the Beatles signatures and ‘Doctor Who’ memorabilia.

So where are they all? We want to know. More or less.

They’re probably all under a landfill site just outside Nottingham. We’ll ask Suitcase Sam from Nottingham.

When you look at a lot of those vintage quiz shows what you notice is how bad the jokes are, how stereotypical they are about gender roles and marriage, as if it’s still the’50s when ITV made quiz shows so popular, as opposed to panel games on the BBC like ‘What’s My Line?’ and on ‘Bullseye’ how Jim Bowen keeps talking when they’re trying to throw their darts.

And if they score less than 100 during any round, Tony Green says “unlucky.”

Standing there next to the dartboard with all those nervous contestants it’s a wonder he never ended up with the darts in his earhole.

Then there were those rhymes on ‘321.’ Could anyone really work any of those out? Agatha Christie whodunnits are easier.

And you could always tell if they were going to win the jackpot on ‘Family Fortunes’ because the answers were read out slower and more dramatically to build up suspense.

But what really are enjoyable to see again are vintage editions of ‘Blankety Blank,’ especially the Les Dawson ones from 1984 to 1989.

And you see so many much-loved and much-missed people on the panel. It’s a real pleasure.

Les Dawson presented ‘Blankety Blank’ as a send-up of quiz shows and it worked.

Without being sent-up quiz shows are just geeky or irritating contestants and loads and loads of catchphrases.

But what are the best quiz show catchphrases, that’s the $64,000 Question?.

“You get nothing for a pair, not in this show.”

That’s true, but no.

“It can still be a big night if you Play Your Cards Right.”

Also true, but no.

What then?

There’s only one that can possibly be the best.

What’s that?

“Crackajack!” We’ll see you next time, have a good week.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Did you see those sculptures of two giant horses’ heads in Scotland?

Algernon thinks it’s part of a government conspiracy to turn Scotland into a giant chess set.

We were thinking of that the other day and I said that when we began our roadshow last September we’d be looking at things from ‘Doctor Who’ to what to do if you are stuck in the loo.

And I said “we’ve often looked at ‘Doctor Who’ but we haven’t mentioned anything about what to do if you are stuck in the loo.”

With that said we both found ourselves stuck in the loo the other day.

On separate occasions I hasten to add.

Yes, there’s a sticky lock on the door. It needs oiling, but you say “I’m going to the loo, it needs oiling” and see the looks you get.

While I was stuck in the loo I was thinking about ‘Doctor Who’ and looking forward to Peter Capaldi’s first season, which I believe starts on April 19th as that’s Easter Saturday.

While I was oiling the lock.

And I was thinking about what I would say were my favourite ‘Doctor Who’ monsters and I thought I’d say the Daleks.

While I was continuing to oil the lock.

Then I was thinking about what I would say was my least favourite ‘Doctor Who’ monster and I thought I would say Michael Grade, but I couldn’t be bothered, so I didn’t say Michael Grade.

Then I managed to open the door and we were reunited. Bliss!

Bliss!

Then I realised I needed to go to the loo too.

And guess what?

The lock stuck again.

So I started oiling.

And I started looking.

What for?

I was looking for a sticking plaster I had on my finger. I took my glasses off to wash my face and when I put my glasses on again it had disappeared.

Your face?

No, the plaster.

Oh yes, that’s right.

Anyway, I looked all over the loo and I couldn’t find it.

While I was busy oiling the lock.

I couldn’t find it, so I gave up.

Then I managed to open the door.

And I said “I can’t find it.”

And I said “can’t find what?”

And I said “the plaster I had on my finger.”

And I said “have a new one.”

And I said “I will, but I still want to find the old one. I hate mysteries.”

Which is true, we both hate mysteries.

So we both looked all over the loo, but we couldn’t find it.

So I said, “what were you doing when you lost it?”

And I said “don’t be so personal.”

Eventually we came to the conclusion that it was by the sink.

So we looked under the sink and over the sink and round the sink and then I put my glasses on again.

And guess what? There it was on the bridge of your glasses hiding in plain sight.

Like the old joke “where are my glasses?”

“On the top of your head.”

Only in real life.

“Where’s my plaster?”

“Stuck to your glasses.”

So there you have it. Things to do when you get stuck in the loo.

You’ll be pleased to know we’ve had a new lock put on the door of the loo to prevent a repeat performance.

Just in case one of us went when the other was out.

Well, in that case I’d leave the door open.

Too much information. Say goodnight to everyone.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

We’ve just got back from visiting Martin Wellbourne, used to live in Melbourne.

Yes, he’s in love.

He’s got it bad and with it being Valentine’s Day on Friday he wanted to tell us about his latest love.

We say latest love because he’s loved often, but not always wisely.

Yes, he’s a sensitive soul.

Well, aren’t we all?

He’s easily hurt you see and he’s shy, but this time it looks like it’s the real thing.

We should point out at this point that his new love is a chest of drawers.

Yes, she might be wooden to you and me, but she’s flesh and blood to him.

He met her at an antiques shop.

Yes, she was one of the antiques.

He saw her handles glinting at him from across the room and it was love at first sight.

He visits her every day and on Sundays, when the antiques shop’s shut, he waves at her through the window.

Of course, she doesn’t wave back, but he’s smitten.

Yes, he’s even written her a card for Valentine’s Day.

And it includes this heartfelt poem.

I love your chest,
I love your drawers,
You be mine
And I’ll be yours.

Doesn’t that, you know, bring a lump to your throat?

It does.

Now, we say that it doesn’t matter who you love, as long as you’re sincere and not hurting anyone and that they’re free and available, don’t we?

We do. Of course, he is sincere, he’s not hurting anyone, but she’s not free, but is available for £299.99.

A bargain at double the price and of course, she is free in the relationship and marital sense of the word.

And on Valentine’s Day he’s hoping to pop the question.

Which we wish him all the very best with because it has to be said that he’s had some funny looks in that antiques shop and also he’s suffered some unkind comments from some thoughtless people.

And we hate thoughtless people and thoughtless comments, don’t we?

Oh, we do. We do indeed.

He was only just saying to us that he has a right to marry any chest of drawers if he wants to marry a chest of drawers. He said he’s not hurting anyone, he said he’s not breaking any laws, he said he’s not offending anyone’s religious beliefs and he said even if he was he’s in love and he can’t help himself.

And we say that, if that’s how he feels and if he’s sure the chest of drawers feels the same way, then who can say he’s wrong?

He’s happy. He bought her flowers yesterday and put them on her table top in a vase.

So we wish him all the best.

Whenever you love, it doesn’t matter what people think, it doesn’t matter what people say. They’re probably jealous because you’ve got something that they haven’t and that you’re happy and liberated and they’re not.

Love should set you free, not bind you to conventions.

Yes, as long as two lovers are true and faithful to each other, everything else will come together.

So, we wish a very happy Valentine’s Day to Martin Wellbourne and his chest of drawers.

And we also wish a happy Valentine’s Day to all of you too. Whatever you’ll be doing on Friday and whoever you’ll be doing it with, be true and faithful to each other and have a very special evening.

Yes, we’ve been spoken for for ages and we’ll be having a very special evening as always, won’t we, Apple?

We will indeed, Ginger. We’ll be having such a special evening everyone else would have to work pretty hard to equal how special an evening we’ll be having. Isn’t that true?

It is indeed. What are we talking about anyway?

Valentine’s Day.

Oh, right. So, what are we doing on Valentine’s Day?

Don’t know. Haven’t made my mind up yet.

Good, I like surprises.

Just as well. Anyway, time for us to go now, before we get completely confused.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just got back from seeing Jason Bubble.

Yes, he’s been suffering lately.

Yes, he’s a sensitive soul, as you know.

Aren’t we all?

And you’ll remember he wanted to do the impossible and become a sensitive journalist.

Yes, he tried to get a job with a newspaper.

But couldn’t, so he worked for the Daily Mail instead.

Yes, exactly!

Anyway, he was doing alright, until last November.

Yes, two things conspired to throw him over the edge.

One was rememberance day and the other was the category 5 storm in the Phillippines.

They both upset him, you see.

Yes, rememberance day upset him because he was reporting about 77 Sacks of Soil.

Yes, you know, you could get a cracking song out of that for long road journeys.

Yes, you could.

77 Sacks of Soil on the Wall,
77 Sacks of Soil,
You Take One Down,
You Pass It Around,
You’ve Got 76 Sacks of Soil on the Wall.

Now, you might remember last November there was a serious symbolism behind these 77 Sacks of Soil. They came from the cemeteries of the Great War and they’re going to be put into a memorial for November this year.

Yes and it was all this symbolism that got to Jason Bubble. He had a chat with Whisky Tango Foxtrot, as he was in the armed forces, to see how he thought about it and he felt the same way.

Yes, they both felt that symbolism is all very well, if wars have been made a thing of the past and the cenotaph was intended to symbolise the intention of there never being another world war because it was known at the time as the War to End All Wars, before someone started numbering them instead.

But there was another world war and so many others in the years since and deaths through terrorism and so forth. This year marks the end of the longest war in recent memory, in Afghanistan.

Yes, l4years! You can fit both world wars in there and still have 4years left over. So, you see, they felt all the symbolism was offensive when so many continue to be killed and seriously wounded.

Jason Bubble felt that the symbolism was becoming more conspicuous because the British have next to no navy left because of so many cutbacks and the end of shipbuilding in Portsmouth after 500years. They’ve even admitted that if there was another invasion of the Falklands they couldn’t send anywhere near the same sort of fleet.

Whereas Whisky Tango Foxtrot felt that the continued commemoration of the world was only reinforced stereotypical feelings towards Germans as the enemy. Some even believe Britain defeated Germany 3 times, 1918 – World War I, 1945-World War II and 1966 – World Cup, which just goes to show how wartime views still spill over into stereotypical views in civilian life, such as sporting events, which, after 100years they certainly should not.

Yes, he said it would be better for everyone if the world wars were referred to as the European Civil Wars instead. That way it would bring Europe together like never before because remembrance should be all of Europe together, not separate national tributes reinforcing barriers and differences.

I think they’ve both got very sensible, serious points there that make a great deal of sense and I can understand why they both feel so upset about it all.

The other thing that upset Jason Bubble was the reaction to the catagory 5 storm in the Phillippines. He was reporting from there last November and it upset him that people were reporting from there, flying over the devastation in helicopters, seeing people waving for help from the ground and doing nothing.

Yes, he felt that, whereas they couldn’t save everyone, they could and should save someone while they’re flying over, rather than just “passing by on the other side” to coin a phrase.

So, he just snapped. He’s been under medical help for the past four months and now he’s much better and he wants to move on and become a Good Samaritan and not “pass by on the other side.” Like MacArthur he’s going to return.

Yes, he’s going to the Phillippines and help the people he met while he was there last November.

He wants to do some good.

He wants to make a difference.

He wants to heal his soul by helping to heal others.

And we both wish him all the very best and we’re going off now to the Silly Cow to give Jason Bubble a decent send off. Even Miserable Les might cheer up.

So, we’ll be off now, until next week.

O.K. folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

We’ve just got back from having a pint at the Silly Cow.

Yes, you remember last week we were off for a drink with Estella Caste, followed by a meal at Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant to see how Nicos’ love life was doing.

And the answer is that Nicos’ love life is not.

Not what?

Just not.

And the reason we went onto Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant for a meal was because we knew we’d never get anything to eat at the Silly Cow.

Although we did try.

The Silly Cow is run by the landlord, Miserable Les and his wife, Patsie.

She’s from Cornwall.

Yes, she’s a Cornish Patsie.

Whereas Miserable Les is from another planet entirely. In fact it’s very hard to know where Miserable Les is from. He just moans in a low, gutteral tone, like a Dalek.

Yes, if a Dalek was running a public house, it would be like Miserable Les.

And if Davros was running a public house, he would be like Patsie.

Anyway, everytime we go to the Silly Cow we are greeted, if that’s the word, by Miserable Les, who says in a monotone “what do you want?”

Patsie is never serving because she’s too busy upstairs trying to make sense of the accounts.

Now, behind Miserable Les is a board and on that board is written the menu.

And we start off by always asking for the All-day Breakfast.

And Miserable Les always says “we don’t do the All-day Breakfast after 2p.m.”

So then we pick something from the menu.

On this occasion we asked for the soup.

And Miserable Les said “we ain’t got none.”

Then we tried the pie and chips.

And Miserable Les said “we ain’t got none.”

Then we tried one last time and asked for the roast beef.

And Miserable Les said “we ain’t got none.”

Then I asked “have you got anything on that menu at all?”

And Miserable Les said “no.”

So I asked “then why leave it all up there on the board?”

And Miserable Les said “because I might be having it all on the menu tomorrow.”

And I said “will you?”

And Miserable Les said “no.” Great conversationalist.

So I said “why not wipe the board clean?”

And Miserable Les said “because the missus says it’s what the punters expect.”

And I said “but punters, as you so eloquently put it, also expect to get served.”

And Miserable Les said “well, we’ve been busy!”

That’s how it is every night at the Silly Cow. They must have impressed someone at the brewery once, they probably put an act on if someone from the brewery is coming, but otherwise it’s happy hour all day long.

And to give you an idea of what Patsie’s like, she told Miserable Les to take all the tops off plastic bottles before putting them in the recycling bin in case she wanted to crush them. Then she changed her mind and left him a note one night which said “with the full consent of the management you have been given permission to, or not, in the present or the future, refrain from, if you so wish, remove or insert the bottle top, so please turn over.”

That was when the note continued overleaf.

Yes, it actually carried on “so that you may or may not crush said bottle.”

And it was signed “she who must, but probably won’t, be obeyed.”

Patsie swallowed a legal dictionary when she was younger.

Yest, she used to be a Legal Secretary, until her employer was disbarred.

Then she met Miserable Les, it was love at first bite and it’s been all smiles ever since.

Unless you’re a customer, that is.

Anyway, we’re off now to see if we can cheer up Nicos by getting him together with Estelle Caste.

Yes, it’ll do him good. Probably.

Have a good week and we’ll see you next time.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

I’ve just been talking to someone who knows Rosencrantz & Gildenstern are dead.

Are they? I didn’t know they were ill.

No, it’s a play. ‘Rosencrantz & Gildenstern Are Dead.’ The National Theatre did it in 1971.

What about it?

Well, I was talking to Estella Caste the other day, our very own grand dame of the theatre.

And she was with the National Theatre?

That’s right. She was all over the Old Vic.

I remember Old Vic telling me.

No, the Old Vic Theatre.

Oh, I know. In Bristol.

No, in London.

Then why is it called the Bristol Old Vic?

It’s not. It’s call the Old Vic. There’s a second one in Bristol.

Thank you, that’s as clear as the beer at the Silly Cow.

Now you know the landlord of the Silly Cow does his best. Only recently he sent his beer off for analysis.

Yes and it came back with a note attached saying “Dear Sir, your horse is in excellent condition!”

Anyway, getting back to Estella Caste, she was feeling upset.

Why, what’s wrong?

Well, Estella Caste does a lot of charity work, as many in the acting profession do. One of the charities she was heavily involved with was Remploy. In fact she was in weekly rep. in Croydon when Remploy started in 1945.

All their factories closed at the end of last October, I remember reading about it. A lot of the workers were very upset.

Yes, well Estella Caste stayed in touch with many of them. Even though they knew the factories were closing, it really has made their lives difficult with Christmas and now with the winter fuel bills.

I can imagine, but didn’t I also read that the government were putting aside something like 8million pounds.

It might as well be 8million pins. You can’t just conjure jobs out of nowhere like magic and there weren’t enough jobs to go around even before they were made redundant.

So, what did Estella Caste say about it?

Well, it’s not the redundancies alone, it’s the fact that they were working together with friends and like-minded people. They were happy. They were like a family. There wasn’t much of an outcry last October. It’s all forgotten to most people now, but not to those affected.

Some would say they’re better off elsewhere, with more independence. I suppose it’s easy for them to say that.

That’s what she said. The government just sold shares in Royal Mail. Why didn’t they sell shares in Remploy instead of closing it down? Weren’t the disabled worth as much as the price of a stamp?

Apparently not. Anyway, did anyone ask the workers? I bet the public would’ve helped fund it through private money.

Most of the time I like to find something to laugh about, or at least smile about, in life. Like Eric Idle I always look on the bright side of life, or try to, but I find the inequality between the haves and the havenots, all in the name of austerity, a bit much sometimes.

When you think about it, 5 years ago the Labour government paid obscene amounts of money to save the banks, but wouldn’t pay a penny to save Woolworths, Comet and all the rest. Now we have the Conservative and Liberal coalition wanting to spend obscene amounts of money on high speed railways, but don’t want to spend a penny keeping Remploy going, for people with special needs.

Life can be very hard. You’re lucky if you get out of it alive!

Is that what she said?

Yes, that was a line from another play she was in at the National Theatre, ‘The National Health’ and it’s the health of the nation that greatly bothers her.

Let’s go to the Silly Cow.

Don’t call her that. She means well.

No, the Silly Cow. Let’s put our lives in our hands and risk another pint or two. While we’re at it, ring Estella Caste up and see if she wants to join us.

And if she does, tell her we’ll take her on to Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant to see how Nicos’ love life is doing.

So, while we do that we’d better say goodbye for this week. Whatever you’re doing this week, look after yourselves.

O.K. Goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.