APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And the other day Hildegarde & Percy Withers moved house in our lovely little village of Upton Went.

We asked them why they were moving and they said they’d got to know all their neighbours and so they wanted to get to know some new ones.

They also moved on their wedding anniversary.

By the middle of the afternoon Hildegarde fancied a cuppa tea, but couldn’t find where she packed the sugar.

So she sent Percy to beg for some from next door.

Percy rang the bell and when the front door was opened by a woman, her face lit up like New Year’s Eve in Times Square, because she was one of Percy’s old flames, before he met Hildegarde and it was clear the flame was still buring.

Somehow Percy didn’t get round to mentioning Hildegarde, as his old flame gave him his sugar and told him he could have anything he liked off her anytime he wanted it.

When he got back Hildegarde asked who lived there and Percy said that a woman lived there and she said that she’d guessed that because of the lipstick on his left cheek.

Then she laughed.

Over the cuppa tea Hildegarde came up with the idea of inviting all the new neighbours for a housewarming party that night, as it was their wedding anniversary.

So Hildegarde started writing invitations on friendly notepaper to the effect that “Hildegarde & Percy Withers invite you to help them celebrate their wedding anniversary this evening.  PS – Bring a bottle!”

Percy withered even more than usual at the thought of Hildegarde and his old flame coming face-to-face.

And on their wedding anniversary as well.

Percy had always been true to Hildegarde, but, before he met her, Percy had been a bit of a goer, if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink wink, say no mower!

That’s why Percy withers so much now.

It’s not the age, it’s the mileage!

Come the annointed hour and Percy could feel the marital noose tightening around his neck already, as he watched his old flame and Hildegarde hitting it off like they’d known each other their whole lives.

At one point Hildegarde said to her “Percy could never go to a nudity beach because of his birthmark, ” she having consumed a few Sally Smirnoffs and Orange by then and his old flame said “What, on his bum!”

Hildegarde said “How’d you guess that?” and his old flame said “Well, it had to be either that or his ‘Meat ‘n Two Veg’ if it was a nudist beach, didn’t it?” and Hildegarde laughed and his old flame laughed and Percy withered.

Then the doorbell rang and Percy sought safety by going to open it.

When he opened the door it was the lady from next door the other side, holding her invitation and a bottle of wine from Thailand called ‘Phu Yuk’ and guess what?  She was another old flame from Percy’s busy past and it was clear she still found the flame still smouldering away in herself after all this time.

Percy showed her into the lounge and Hildegarde asked who it was and Percy said it was their other new next door neighbour and she was a lady and Hildegarde said she could see that from the lipstick on his right cheek.

All in all it was a very happy evening and Hildegarde spent most of it giggling with his two old flames.

Eventually Percy felt himself withering and told Hildegarde he was going on up to bed.

He’d only just got to the bedroom when he heard someone else coming upstairs and there in the doorway was his old flame.  Before he could blurt anything out she said “It’s alright.  I just want to give you this” and kissed him again on the left cheek.  It was an anniversary card.  “Happy Anniversary, Percy.”

Then the other old flame appeared in the doorway.  Before Percy could think of anything to say she said “It’s alright.  I just want to give you this” and kissed him on the right cheek.  “Happy Anniversary, Percy.”  It was another anniversary card.

And Percy felt quite overcome and said “I’m such a lucky man to have a loving wife and two such wonderful friends.  Thank you, very much.”

And that night Percy slept well, feeling not so withered as he did that morning and the next morning he turned to Hildegarde and said “I’m glad we moved here” and she said “so am I.”

And it’s time to say goodnight as well now.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And what about that driver in Arkansas?

He drove over a newly-erected monument of the directives that Charlton Heston brought on tablets, the Ten Commandments, no less!

So, he managed to break all 10 commandments in one go.

And that takes some doing.

Yes, it’s not easy to commit adultery while ogling your neighbour’s ass.

And sometimes it’s not easy to obey your mother and father without committing murder.

Strange, that.

And it’s very hard obeying the Sabbath if there’s a sale on at Macy’s!

Of course, the first and most important commandment is to “obey the Lord your God with all your heart,” it’s, therefore, strange that so many religions insert other things, not in the 10 commandments at all.

For instance, there seems to be an unwritten 11th “thou shalt not be very nice to gay people.”

Surely, if religions were right about being gay, it would be mentioned in the 10 Commandments in the Old Testament and the Sermon on the Mount in the New Testament.

It would, if it was that important.

But, of course, it’s not.

Theologians point to Sodom and Gomorrah as proof that being gay is wrong in itself, but have they missed the point?

The point of Sodom and Gomorrah was that the behaviour was predatory and lustful.

By pinning this solely on gay people, it appears theologians are saying that being a sexual predator and lustful and promiscuous and generally sleeping around is alright if you’re heterosexual.

But, surely, that is not the lesson God meant us to take away from the Sodom and Gomorrah saga.

Nor that it was wrong to be gay.

Nor that it is alright to hate gay people.

Surely the point that was being made with Sodom and Gomorrah was that it is sinful to be a sexual predator, whoever you are!

That is why adultery is in the 10 commandments.

That is why ogling your neighbour’s wife’s ass is in the 10 commandments.

That is why it says if you commit adultery with your heart, you do so with your body also.

And that is why there is nothing about being gay being a sin in the 10 commandments or in the Sermon on the Mount.

The point is that you love another person as yourself.

And your love towards that person is exclusive.

And that is true of any gender.!

Exclusive love is the key to life, the universe and everything.

And if anyone thinks differently, we say sod ’em.

And gomorrah ’em as well.

And with that, it’s time for us to go now, but we’ll see you again next week.  Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world and to all the developing life -forms out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together!

O.K, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.