APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hello folks…Apple & Ginger here.  Our creators and us are very seriously serious that we have not been able to contact you for some time.  We really are seriously serious about not being with you and now are able to let you know that we have had an absolutely seriously serious computer glitch which has not allowed us to be with you. We have missed you and hope you enjoy what we have for you.  Thank you for joining us again.

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November 22nd 2016

Hi, I'm Apple...

...and I'm Ginger.

And this week we begin 'A Ghost Story Before Christmas.'

This will take us up to this year's Christmas special on December 20th, when 
you'll find out where this year's Nativity Play takes place and what craziness
happens.

British viewers may well notice a satirical reflection of recent events in the
south east of England, but if they do, it's purely coincidental.

Honest!

Our 'Ghost Story Before Christmas' begins in the home of an inspector of
schools, whose wife is questioning the sense of comments he made in a speech
recently.

"I don't think you should've said those things, you know how close island 
communities can be."

"What d'you think their going to do?  Burn me at the stake?  Hang me in the
town square?  Put me to death in a wicker man like Edward Woodward in that
horror film?"

"What was the name of that film?"

"Witchfinder General."

"Oh."

"I was right, anyway."

"I don't think so. It's not a ghetto.  There are plenty of real ghettos in
this country in inner city areas but not on an island."

"If you say so."

"And to say they're all inbred was deeply offensive."

"It was meant to be.  I wanted to wake them up."

"What worries me is what you might've woken up."

"Like what?  King Kong?  Godzilla?  The Creature from the Black Lagoon?  Do
you think they're going to come and get me?"

"I mean twitter, facebook, you tube.  You can be sacrificed on the alter of
social media."

"I never use social media, so they can't touch me."

"And to say there's mass unemployment.  You know that's not true.  And to 
say there's a crimewave and a drugs problem, when the real crimewaves and
drug addicts are in London, Manchester, Devon, Glasgow, Cardiff, anywhere,
I don't know, but not on that island."

"If you like."

At that moment the post arrived and she went to pick it up.

"I told you this would all end in tears.  There's a letter here from the
island.  It's got their postmark on it, a Roman centurion's helmet."

He went pale and his testicles shrunk by a quarter of their size.

"What's it say?"

"Call me!"

"Is that all?"

"That's all."

"Who's it from?"

"The Governor of the island."

"You're not going to call?"

"Who d'you expect me to call, Ghostbusters?  That son of a bitch isn't
going to frighten me."

"Before you call, just remember what my grandmother used to tell me 'Don't 
piss in my ear, I know it's raining.'"

"What?"

"Believe me, it's raining!"

"Bullshit, sweetheart."

"If you call, on your own head be it."

"What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?"

And he started dialling.

And you can find out what happens next at the same time next week.

See you next week and in the meantime, don't get on the wrong side of any
islanders.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next week.

November 15th 2016

Hi, I'm Apple...

...and I'm Ginger.

And what sort of week have you had?

Silly Sausage winded herself while she was gardening and told us she felt
"parafinated."

We said "you mean" and then we realised we didn't have a clue what she meant.

"How d'you mean, parafinated?

"Well, like a tea bag what you put in a cuppa tea."

"You mean perforated."

"Do I?"

Well, tea bags are perforated, not parafinated.  Paraffin is something you
start fires with."

"Well, I'm right, then, because my back is on fire!  That's why I need a 
cuppa tea."

So, we all had a cuppa tea, properly perforated and then helped Silly Sausage
up to bed because she needed a lie-down because her back was parafinated.

Then we did some shopping on the way home and went to get some crisps from 
Miserable Les at the Silly Cow.

He said "I've Ridge-cut Mighty Meat, I've got Bacon Sizzlers, I've got Flame-
Grilled Steaks and I've got Char-grilled Chicken."

"Good for you.  What about the crisps?"

"Those are the crisps."

"Are they?  They sound like novelty condoms."

"I've got some of them too."

"What flavours are they?"

"I've got Ribbed Cheese & Onion, I've got Extra-strength Salt & Vinegar, I've
got Extra-wide Ready Salted and I've got Roast Beef With Ridges, oh, they are
crisps, sorry."

"We'll have a packet of each, including the Roast Beef With Ridges."

On the way back from the Silly Cow we bumped into Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, who
was off to post a parcel.

He said "I've been meaning to send these books to my Mum for weeks and weeks,
but all sorts of things kept on coming up."

"Like what?"

"Like walking Fango, like feeding Fango, that sort of thing."

"Can Fango feed himself?"

"Oh, yes, but the Post Office keeps on complaining about their staff
resigning."

You wouldn't think they'd be that sensitive about a pet Tiger, would you?"

"Of course not.  He's only playing anyway.  He only means business when he
swallows."

"Dave and John were saying the other day they used to know someone who did that!"

"Anyway, I thought I'd better write my Mum a note.  It says 'Dear Mum,  Hope
you are well.  Here are the books I arranged to send you, but I've only just
drawn breath to do so.  Not sure how long ago it was, but David Cameron was 
Prime Minister, Britain was still staying in Europe and people were still
speaking to Michael Gove!  PS - Bomber Roberts and the CO send their best 
wishes also.'"

"Who are Bomber Roberts and the CO?"

"Mum knows them from the regimental reunions.  Bomber Roberts came every year,
sat in the nearest armchair and did the prize 'Times' crossword puzzle all
weekend."

"And the CO?"

"That's the nickname for his wife, very organised, see?"

"Well, you'd better get on and post it, then."

"I'd better, before something else comes up."

"Well, if it does, find a singles bar and take these Extra-wide Ready Salted
with you, in case you get lucky."

"Oh, cheers.  I can chat up a bit of spare by asking if she wants a crisp."

And that was our week!

Yes, time for us to say goodnight to all the nice people around the world and
and join us next week and every week in our lovely little village of Upton
Went.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

November 8th 2016

Hi, I'm Apple...

...and I'm Ginger.

As today is Presidential election day, or 'Vote '16' if you're going to be 
watching ABC, or 'Campaign '16' if you're going to be watching CBS, or
'Decision '16' if you're going to be watching NBC, let's do something few
candidates do in Presidential elections, lets be thoughtful.

What would've happened
When Martin Luther wrote on that door,
If it had rained all night
And those words were no more?

We'll never know.

What would've happened
When Pilate asked the crowd
"Who shall I free, Barabbas or Jesus?"
They all shouted "Jesus" out loud?

We'll never know.

What would've happened
On the 'Titanic' at sea
If the iceberg warning
Came just one hour early?

We'll never know.

What would've happened 
to travel by flight
If the Wright brothers said to each other
Forget it, let's fly a kite?

We'll never know.

What would've happened 
To travel by road
If everyone waited
For a highway code?

What would've happened
To marketing hacks
If everyone agreed with Ford,
"Let's paint them all black?"

We'll never know.

What would've happened
To Laurel & Hardy and all who were daft
If everyone watched their films,
But no-one laughed.

We'll never know.

What would've happened
When Hitler started shouting
If no-one took any notice
And left him there, pouting?

We'll never know.

What would've happened
If Cain had loved Abel,
If murder was never discovered,
If there was no such label?

We'll never know.

What would've happened
Without electricity's bright spark
And we all sat round the table
Wondering why it was so dark?

We'll never know.

What would've happened
If Arab and Jew
Never felt any different
From any of you?

We'll never know.

What would have happened
To Jerusalem
If neither Arab or Jew
Felt it belonged only to them?

We'll never know.

What would've happened
If Winchester, Colt and the others
Hadn't mass-produced handguns
And cost us so many brothers?

We'll never know.

What would've happened
If instead of turning left
The whole world changed forever,
Turned right, became bereft?

We'll never know.

So many choices,
Which way to turn,
Some have shone a brilliant light,
Others made us burn!

Say goodnight to all all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

We noticed last week that potential tenants of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue are beginning to consider their bids when the tenancy is up next year.

Great fun.

Remember November 2000?

I said “we won’t go to bed until we know who the next President is.”

Wrong night to say that.

We didn’t have another President for 5 weeks and a day. 36 days.

Even then all Al Gore could say was “even though I don’t agree with the Supreme Court’s decision, I accept it.”

And he said that from the White House like he already was President, while Bush was at the Governor’s residence in Texas.

Remember the Presidential Debates in 1992?

George Bush would look at his watch and answer the questions as if he couldn’t be bothered.

Then Clinton would jump up like Howdy Doody and answer the questions with so much enthusiasm it was unbelievable.

And then Ross Perot would get up inbetween both of them and say “don’t listen to either of these 2 fellas, their both lying to ya!”

That’s what we need this time.  Another Ross Perot.

So far we’ve got Jeb Bush for the Republicans.

It was pointed out that when his father was President he went to war in Kuwait.

He said, if he became President, he wouldn’t go to war in Kuwait.

It was pointed out that when his brother was President he went to war in Iraq.

He said, if he became president, he wouldn’t go to war in Iraq.

I was waiting for the punchline “I’d go to war in Syria instead” but it didn’t come.

Then there’s Palin for the Republican.

This time, with what’s going on in the Ukraine, seeing Russia from your house could come in handy.

Just don’t get interviewed by Katie Couric again!

For the Democrats we might be having Hillary Clinton.

But we don’t know officially yet.

Presumably she’ll let us all know with a call at 2 in the morning!

Someone who apparently won’t be having another go is Romney for the Republicans.

Translation, he couldn’t raise enough money or support.

I often think of all the people who should’ve run for President.

Such as?

Clint Eastwood for a start “go on all you terrorist punks, make my day!”

Colin Powell would’ve made an excellent President.  He should never have let himself be talked out of it in 1996.

Neil Armstrong would’ve been a marvellous President.  Who better to be head of the Western World than someone who has set foot on another world entirely and watched the Earth rise on the horizon?

Very true.

What’s for dinner?

I’m going to put something in the microwave.

Something is right.  It looks like a NASA special Neil Armstrong passed on.

In space no-one can hear you vomit.

Imagine having to catch all the vomit floating around.

Is that tomorrow’s dinner?

No, it was today’s.

But it could be reconstituted again and we could have another go tomorrow.

The thought does not bear thinking about.

Like having an accident on the zero gravity toilet when the hose slips.

Let’s not go there.  Let’s go to Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant instead.

Right.

Say goodbye to all the nice people.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.