APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were looking through the ‘agony-aunt’column of the ‘Daily Upton.’

Every day loads of people in our lovely little village of Upton Went write in to Auntie Pepper.

One reader asked “Is is rude to answer my e-mails during sex?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “Yes, it is, unless the person e-mailing you is the same person you are having sex with.”

“Was that OK 4 U?”

“Yeah.”

“Did the earth move 4 U?”

“YES!”

Another reader asked “I’ve never seen my fiance naked and I’m worried that, after the wedding, I might not like what I see.  Would it be alright to ask my fiance to strip off so I could check her out?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “She might want to check you out!”

Another reader said “My wife cooks and cleans for me all day, does my dinner when I come home from the office, watches ‘Coronation Street’ and then claims she’s too tired for sex. What’s wrong with her?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “Nothing.  What’s wrong with you?”

While another reader said “I’m a working woman and yet, when my husband and I come home from work, he claims he’s too tired for sex.  What’s wrong with him?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “Nothing.  What’s wrong with you?”

Touche!

One woman wrote in, saying “I have never met a man I wanted to have children with, so I went to a sperm bank.  Why don’t other women do the same?  Don’t you agree?”

And Auntie Pepper replied “No, I do not agree. You are willing to have a child by a stranger, who, for all you know, is a child murderer, who has jerked off in a squalid little room, while getting his jollies from a pornographic magazine.  I think the truth is you are unable or unwilling to commit yourself to another person.”

Sometimes Auntie Pepper says things very forthrightly!

One reader wrote in and asked “Can you help me?  I live in Watford and I think the ‘Watford Gap’ is down the middle of my double bed.  What should I do?”

“And Auntie Pepper replied “Move!”

Auntie Pepper also has a phone-in on Radio Upton.  One recent call went like this:-

“I’m worried my girlfriend fakes her orgasm.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Well, I asked another girlfriend if she faked her orgasm the one time we had sex.”

“And what did she say?”

“She said that in 2 minutes there wasn’t much to fake?”

“Well, all women are different.”

“Have you ever faked your orgasms, Auntie?”

“How many times a week do you and your girlfriend have sex?”

“Do you go red in the face when you have an orgasm?”

“Why don’t you ask your girlfriend about that?”

“Well, more a shade of pink, really.”

“Why don’t you talk it over?”

“You won’t tell her I asked you about faking orgasms, will you?”

“Not unless she calls into the show as well.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“And we have your girlfriend on line 2, in fact!”

And so it went on.

Whatever your sexual agony, always remember, you can’t have your exctasy without your agony first.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week, to the tune of ‘The Wheels On the Bus,’ let’s look at some of the oddities about people on public transport.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

Round and round.

Round and round.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

All day long.

The people on the bus go text, text, text.

Text, text, text.

Like a pest.

The people on the bus go text, text, text.

All day long.

The phones on the bus go click, click, click.

Click, click, click.

Makes you sick.

The phones on the bus go click, click, click.

All day long.

The people on the bus play games, games, games.

Games, games, games.

Some do, yes.

The people on the bus play games, games, games.

All day long.

The nutter on the bus might sit by you.

Sit by you.

Saying “Moo!”

The nutter on the bus might sit by you.

All day long.

The mouths on the bus go blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

The mouths on the bus go blah, blah, blah.

All day long.

Someone on the bus can’t find their change.

What a berk.

Get off and walk.

Someone on the bus ain’t got no change.

Go away.

The people on the bus are very odd.

Very odd.

Daft old bods.

The people on the bus are very odd.

Trains are worse.

The people on the trains are all insane.

All insane.

Out of date.

The people on the trains are all insane.

Why not walk?

The people in cars are very sick.

Very sick.

Very thick.

The people in cars are very sick.

Why not walk?

The people who walk stay fit, fit, fit.

Fit, fit, fit.

Just a bit.

The people who walk stay fit, fit, fit.

All day long.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Gracie.

See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And Botox Betty has told us she’s fed up with “gobby women giving the rest of us a bad name.”

She feels that many women, including herself, are not being treated as women because of “gobby women in British and American politics, acting awards ceremonies and socially.”

“They’ve frightened men off, who used to be charming and loving and thoughtful and knew how to treat a woman, while they’ve made those who don’t know how to treat a woman even more entrenched than before.”

“They have taken away my right to be treated as a woman and replaced it with a forced, uncomfortable and ugly social war!”

“And they will lose.  there might as well not be an International Women’s Day because there are 364 International Men’s Days and an extra one in leap years.”

“I do not thank Hillary Clinton for making this war a reality, nor actresses who want to be called ‘actors,’ but still remain hypocrites who accept Best Actress Oscars, that wipe out 50% of the male opposition, nor tennis players, who want equal pay, but won’t accept equal play of 5 sets, not 3, nor stirring-up female lawyers, looking for a man in politics or the media, whose life and career to destroy with unproven accusations.”

“The hypocrisy is also behind every man they malign they destroy in the process.  I suppose they treat them as collateral damage.”

“Daily they snipe at Donald Trump, without giving a damn about his wife, his daughter, his family in general.”

“If they don’t stop this hypocritical backbiting our countries will only be brought together by another 9/11 no-one saw coming because they were too busy bitching about what some politician said about women before the first 9/11.”

“Already Bin Liner, Jr. is getting ready to avenge the death of his father.  They don’t have any problems with feminist troublemakers.  It’s time we didn’t either and focused on the bigger picture and the greater good, before another 3,000 lives are lost in 102 minutes!”

“They remind me, these hypocritical women, of my schooldays.

“There were the popular girls, who got plenty of dates and never got bullied by other girls.”

“And there were the unpopular girls, who never got a date and got bullied by other girls and you could always see them huddled in a corner of the playground, united in their bitterness.  There they always were, getting more bitter and more twisted by the day.”

“These were the girls who always came to the school dance and sat there, like wallflowers and if a boy asked them to dance, they’d refuse, just to get the pleasure of seeing the look of rejection in his face.”

“If he was a painfully shy boy their rejection was even more satisfying.  I used to think to myself ‘What sort of mother have you got, to make you so rude?’  So, I say this very strongly, ‘IF YOU WANT GENDER EQUALITY, DON’T TRY TO FORCE IT IN YOUR OWN GENERATION.  BRING YOUR DAUGHTERS UP TO BE KIND TO BOYS AND WHEN THOSE BOYS BECOME MEN, YOU WILL NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE THEY REMEMBER THE KINDNESS, NOT THE BITTERNESS!”

“I am a woman and bloody proud of it, but I am also bloody proud of my man and men in general.”

“We are not opposing sexes, engaged in perpetual point-scoring.”

“We are complimentary sexes.”

“And one compliment usually elicits another.

“That is my main point, however, I was also embarrassed to see Democrats in white at the State of the Union address and I feel it’s unfair to show off in peacock displays of feminist color in the House of Representatives, the Senate and the Houses of Parliament.”

“Men have a dress code.”

“They are expected to wear a suit and tie in a subdued color all the year round.  Women seem to think this doesn’t include them and dress according to the weather in any color.  We need to address this inequality.  We need a dress code for women too!”

“No cleavage.”

“No legs visible.”

“No bright colors.”

“It pushes up the blood pressure of the older men, it distracts the younger men and it makes the gay men jealous!”

“I mean, even the Scottish don’t turn up in kilts!”

And with that eye-catching thought, we thank Botox Betty for her report.  It’s time for us to go now, but be here next week and every week.  It wouldn’t be the same without you.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks, See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were chatting to Whiskey Tango Foxtrot the other day.

He’s very good to his mother, who lives with him and who he looks after.

She’s as old as her teeth, but not as old as her hips!

Anyway, the other day he asked her what she wanted for lunch and she wanted sandwiches.

So he popped out to get some.

When he got back the conversation went like this:-

“Is that you, dear?”

“D’you know anyone else with a key?”

“No, dear.”

“Then it’s me.”

“You might’ve lent it to someone.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Anyway, I’ve got your sandwiches.”

“What are they dear?”

“Two slices of bread with a filling.”

“And what else, dear?”

“Butter.”

“As well as the butter.”

“Well, I’ve been getting egg and bacon for you a lot, so I’ve go you a change.”

“Bacon and chicken?”

“No.”

“Not egg and cress.”

“No.”

“Good, they give me gas.”

“I’ve got you an LBT.”

“Oh, can they have their own sandwiches as well now, dear?”

“Who?”

“Hee Bee Gee Bee people.”

“You mean L G B T people.”

“That’s it.  I mean they can marry, they can adopt, they can smoke in public.  Why shouldn’t they have their own sandwiches too?”

“It’s Lettuce, Bacon and Tomato, mother.”

“Is that what they like eating, dear?”

“Sometimes, maybe.”

“What if they’re gay and Jewish?  Do they just have the lettuce and tomato?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“What if they’re vegetarian and gay?”

“Maybe they leave off the bacon too.”

“But a tomato’s a fruit!”

I think vegetarians make tomatoes honourable vegetables.”

“What, like your father?”

“Be nice, mother.”

“What if they’re gay, Jewish and a vegetarian?”

“I suppose they just eat the lettuce.”

“What if they’re gay, Jewish, a vegetarian and they’ve got a pet rabbit?”

“Then I suppose they starve, mother.”

“Or buy a better sandwich!”

“I tell you what, mother, I’ll have the ‘Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender’ sandwiches and you have these egg and bacon ones I got as well.”

“Sounds OK to me, dear.”

So much for change!

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now.  See you next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people and their sandwiches around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Guess the poet!

“When I look at the silver

In your hair,

How I wish you never in the world

Had a care.

How I wish week after week

It was not always Hello and Goodbye.

You have made the weeks, months

And years fly by.

You have been our rainbow

In a dark sky.

We hope that one day it will be

Just Hello

And never again Goodbye.”

Who wrote that?

We’ll tell you at the end.

But we were thinking about relationships this week.

It is increasingly being said that many up to the age of 25, or even 35 in some cases, have never had a serious, committed, sexual relations.

In some cases they haven’t even had sex by the age of 35.

Puritan or prat?

Abstainer or Kleenex-stainer?

Shy or stupid?

It’s not for us to say, but it does seem to be taking politeness a bit too far.

According to those who carry out these studies the answer isn’t puritanical, or hormonal.

It’s because they sleep with their phones instead.

They go gooey over Google.

They go mad for Twatter, sorry Twitter.  All the sexual euphemisms got me confused for a moment there.

Let’s just say the only thing stirring in their laps are their laptops.

They probably think a Pole Dancer is an entertainer from Warsaw.

They probably think Deep Throat is the name Mark Felt used when he met Bob Woodward.

And they probably think blue movies are musicals.

Well, some of them are.  It just depends what instruments they’re playing and whether they’re playing in tune!

Now unless all these studies were carried out by doing market research in Amish villages, what are we to make of it?

Fifty years ago the motto was ‘Make Love, Not War.’

Fifty years later you could say ‘Make Love, Not Texts.’

The Earth is overcrowded, so it could be a good thing.

The smartphone could be the most successful contraceptive in the world.

We’re not complaining!

What the world need is much more love, not sex.

Love for parents.

Love for each other.

Even Donald Trump!

Now, let’s turn back to that poem.

You might’ve guessed it referred to prison.

No, it wasn’t Oscar Wilde!

It was called “To A Beautiful Mother.”

It was written in 1982, at the time of the funeral of the mother of Reggie & Ronnie Kray.

Reg was in Parkhurst at the time and Ron was in Broadmoor.

They were sentenced to a minimum of 30 years at the Old Bailey in 1969.

There is love in everyone, everywhere!

With that we’ll wish you a lovely Labor Day weekend and we’ll see you again next week.

Happy Times & Places.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.