APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hello folks.  Happy Thanksgiving Day.  God Bless You All.

Apologies for not being around on Tuesday, things were just busy, busy, busy, but we did miss you!  Well, here we go again -relax and enjoy.

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last March Britain accused Russia of using a chemical weapon in an attempted assassination of a Russian citizen in Salisbury and Brian Maggot reported in his ‘Maggot Patch’ column in the ‘Daily Upton’ how Britain’s claims didn’t stack up and it could well be a cover story because Porton Down, the chemical and biological weapons facility, is less than 10 miles from Salisbury.

Now, Britain has got all excited again because they identified 2 Russians, who appeared on ‘Russia Today’ on September 13th, saying they were innocent.

Brian Maggot has been looking into the case again and this is how he sees it, in the form of an episode of the quiz show ‘The Chase.’

Question number one is “Are you Russian assassins, who were sent to Salisbury on a job last March?”

Is the answer either “No, we’re not,” “Yes, we are” or “Yes, we are Russian intelligence, but no, we were not sent to poison anyone in Salisbury?”

And the correct answer is “Yes, we are Russia intelligence, but no, we were not sent to poison anyone in Salisbury.”

Next question.  “Why did you come to Salisbury?”

Is it “We were tourists,”  “We knew the poisoned man and were asked to come to Salisbury because we used to work together” or “We wanted to see the world-famous Salisbury cathedral spire?”

And the correct answer is “We knew the poisoned man and were asked to come to Salisbury because we used to work together.”

Next question.  “The British government say you had the novichok poison in your luggage.  You say you did not and your luggage was searched at customs.  How can you prove the British government are lying?”

Is it “Because Russians always tell the truth,” “Because it would be effeminate for a Russian man to carry female perfume in his luggage” or “Because liquids are not allowed in hand luggage because of terrorist attacks, so it would be impossible?”

And the correct answer is “Because liquids are not allowed in hand luggage because of terrorist attacks, so it would be impossible.”

Next question, “Where did the novichock come from?”

Is it “Russia,” “Porton Down” or “Home Depot?”

And the correct answer is “Porton Down.”

Next question, “Who put the novichok on the front door knob?”

Is it “You, to poison him,” “Him, to poison you” or “You’re so clever, you work it out?”

And the correct answer is “You’re so clever, you work it out.”

Next question.  “If someone else put the novichok on the door knob, why were you not affected, but slight traces were found in your hotel room?”

Is it “Because it was snowing and you were wearing gloves,” “Because you didn’t touch the door knob” or “Because you’re immune?”

And the correct answer is “Because it was snowing and you were wearing gloves.”

Next question. “Was the novichok dumped in Amesbury by you?”

Is it “No, because we had already arrived back in Russia,” “Yes” or “How should we know”?

And the correct answer is “No, because we had already arrived back in Russia.”

Next question, “How did the novichok get to be dumped in Amesbury?”

Is it “Because it was planted there,” “Because the poisoned people were found between Amesbury and their home in Salisbury” or “Because you put it there?”

And the correct answer is “Because the poisoned people were found between Amesbury and their home in Salisbury.”

Next question.  “Do you think you have been framed?”

Is it “Yes,” “No” or “Yes and no.”

And the correct answer is “Yes.”

Last question.  “Why were you framed?”

Is it “For political reasons,” “For personal reasons” or “For political and personal reasons?”

And the correct answer is “For political and personal reasons.”

“Congratulations, you’re through to the final Chase.  Will our team go home with the jackpot, or will they be caught in the final Chase and go home with nothing?  We’ll find out after the break!”

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Let us tell you this week about a teacher we heard about from Nosey Bonk. He told us one of his lessons was known as ‘The Story of World War I For Children’ and it sounded like this.

Once upon a time there was a man called the kaiser who lived in Germany and he wanted to have more ships in his navy than anyone else in the whole wide world. However, his cousin who was King of England also wanted more ships than anyone else, so they both kept on building more and more ships and the ships got bigger and bigger. Meanwhile, in a far off country called Russia, their other cousin who was Tsar of Russia was very unpopular.

Sir, Sir.

Yes.

What’s a tsar?

It’s like a king, only they speak Russian.

Oh, I see.

So, the tsar was very unpopular across the whole of Russia because everyone was starving except for the tsar and his wife, their family and their friends, including a monk by the name of Rasputin.

Sir, Sir.

Yes.

What’s a monk?

It’s like a vicar, only they don’t speak.

Not even Russian?

Not even Russian.

So how did he make himself understood?

Hypnosis.

What’s hypnosis?

It’s talking, only with your mind, not your mouth.

Oh, I see, I think.

Anyway, they all decided they were going to have a war to end all wars to clear the air, so they killed an archduke and his wife, took sides, dug trenches right across France and waited for America to join in and get the whole thing sorted out.

Sir, Sir,

Yes.

What’s an archduke?

It doesn’t matter, there isn’t a question about it in the exam, so you don’t need to know.

But what if someone asks me what an archduke is after I leave school?

They won’t. No-one ever mentions them anymore.

Oh, I see.

So, after America joined in the war to end all wars, everyone else got a move on and they managed to finish the war on November 11th 1918, just over a year after America joined in, but 4 years after everyone else started killing each other. Anyway, it was just before Christmas, so it didn’t spoil everyone’s Christmas shopping and so everyone lived happily ever after. As soon as Christmas was over everyone went back to work and they buried all the dead, except one soldier who they put in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, so they could all have a day of remembrance every year when they could all get together and try and remember who he was.

Sir, Sir.

Yes.

Do you think I’ll pass the exam this year?

I hope so. You’ve been in this class for so many years because you’ve never passed your exams. You’re a very naughty girl.

I know, but we’ve been married for 15 years, so can’t you just treat me like a wife instead?

And that, boys and girls, is what Nosey Bonk heard.

You know, when I was in university my law lecturer told me that there was always something retarded about people who wanted to be teachers because they never wanted to leave school.

Yes, when I was in university my marketing lecturer told me that it was like children who wanted to be teachers who couldn’t cope with the big world outside and just wanted to stay in school where they felt safe.

More than that, I was told he noticed that all the boys and girls who wanted to be teachers were unpopular, were often bullied and usually spent all their playtimes either on their own or walking around sucking up to the dinner lady and asking if they could ring the bell.

Also, they were often teachers pet, as we used to say.

I was told they often harbour a lot of resentment about how they were treated in school and wanted to become a teacher so they could take out all their anger on children and get it all out of their system. I wonder if it’s true!

And Nosey Bonk wondered how many take all that resentment home with them too. Anyway, it’s time for us to ring the bell now and go and do our homework.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.