APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

D’you know where I can buy a rhinoceros?

Yes and I can get you one that juggles.

Can you get me one that juggles balls?

Yes and I can get you straight ones too.

Can you get me a curved one if I want?

Yes and I can get you one who speaks five languages.

Can you get me one that speaks English?

Oui and I can get monseiur one that lives in Beverly Hills.

Can you get me one that can recommend a good plastic surgeon?

Yes and I can get you one that IS a good plastic surgeon and specialises in rhinoplasty.

Can he get me celebrity autographs?

Yes and only yesterday he got a signed photo of Rhino Neal.

Can he do the dishes?

Yes and he can clean the pieces up afterwards.

Is he single?

Yes and I can produce written documentation attesting to the fact that there is only one of him.

Has he got a good sense of humour?

Yes and I can show you his best-selling stand-up comedy routine?

Can he do impressions?

Yes and I can show you footage of him doing The Elephant Man, The Pink Panther and Lawrence Welk.

Has he got a good singing voice?

Yes and I can show you a copy of his latest album, ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Rhino.’

Does he go to the theatre much?

Yes and only last week he was telling me how much he enjoyed ‘The Book of Mormon’ and that he feels rhinos are under represented in the Mormon church.

Does he have any religious beliefs?

Yes and I was only chatting to him the other day on that very topic and he said he doesn’t follow any particular religion, but feels that spiritual beliefs are very important and he’s sympathetic towards the Jewish faith because Noah saved his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great…great grandparents from the great flood.

Can you tell me his politics?

Yes and he’s a Republican because he’s known more elephants than jackasses and because Donald Trump reminds him of a favourite aunt he left in Africa.

Is he a legal American citizen?

Yes and he puts the stars and stripes up every morning and puts it down every evening, he can recite the pledge of allegiance in English and Spanish, like most in Beverly Hills and votes every November without fail.

Does he want to be in the movies, being that he lives in Beverly Hills?

Yes and he feels if Eddie Murphy can get away with three ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ films, he could get away with at least one ‘Beverly Hills Rhino.’

Can you arrange a meeting?

Yes and I can guarantee you’ll find Hamish very good company.

Hamish!  Oh, I could never live with another Scottish rhinoceros.  The last one kept playing the bagpipes every Thanksgiving.

In that case I bid you farewell and thank you for your forbearance.

Say goodnight to all the nice people and nice rhinos around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And the other night we were watching a nude ballet version of ‘Adam & Eve.’

The aria started and they both started singing from off-stage.

Then they came on stage, from opposite sides, stark naked.

What made me laugh was that someone actually had the bare-faced cheek to be credited in the program as “Costume Designer.”

And there were plenty of bare-faced cheeks on show that night, I can tell you!

The only bits of costume we could see was that Eve was a healthy girl and had a skin-coloured hairnet bra and Adam was very well endowed in the nether regions and had on a skin-coloured thong, to stop his jiggly bits from flopping about all over the place during the performance.

As for the music, I don’t know my arias from my elbow.

You would if you were watching those two!

Then it got to the scene with the apple.

When Eve leant up to pick the apple from the tree her hairnet bra got caught in the scenery and she came down showing she had a lovely pair instead.

Then Adam danced over and tried to do Eve up again, while singing and dancing, while she holds this apple out for him, which he completely ignores for 3 minutes.

Would have saved a lot of trouble if Adam did that in the first place!

Then Adam took the apple from Eve and as he bit into it, one of his cherries popped out of his hairnet thong.

And, while singing a lament for lost innocence, Eve popped the miscreant testicle back in again.

It didn’t help that the actor playing the Voice of God developed a stutter out of nerves because of so many cock-ups and cock-downs, so the live “Be Gone!” had more bees in it than an English summer.

By the time he got to the end of the line Adam and Eve had been banished from the Garden of Eden for ages and there was no-one left on stage.

Altogether, great fun!

We were wondering if they might like to come back next year and do ‘Adam & Eve on Ice.’

If either of them slipped out that time they wouldn’t be so well endowed.

Doesn’t bear thinking out.

Mind you, they could put the heating on.

Yes, that’s a good idea, especially in case of costume malfunctions.

On the other hand, it might have its’ drawbacks.

Such as?

Adam and Eve might end up swimming through the last act.

In that case why not take advantage of the situation?

Meaning?

Adam and Eve do the deed on stage.  Enter Cain and Abel.  One kills the other.  All sorts of extras come on stage and start doing naughty things that anger God and they all die in the Great Flood!

Brilliant, I’ll write it tomorrow afternoon!

Well, it’s time for us to go, then.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.