APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Isn’t the Marvel Cinematic Universe great?

It’s ten years since the films became linked, with ‘The Incredible Hulk’ in 2008 having a scene after the end titles leading into ‘Ironman.’

By the way, do you know what was the first film to have a scene after the end titles?

It’s ‘Young Sherlock Holmes’ from 1985.

If you don’t know it, watch it for yourself.  I guarantee you won’t be disappointed by the twist in the tail after the end titles.

But, young or old, male or female, black or white, confident or shy, there’s always a Marvel superhero for you.

We all fee like Captain America or Ironman sometimes, deep down.

The latest in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is ‘Antman & the Wasp.’

Have you heard the latest buzz about it?

I’d love to be a fly on the wall there.

Yes, a quiet, small voice from somewhere saying “Please…help…me!”

But what the Marvel Cinematic Universe never does is change a character’s gender because they never need to.  They create new superheroes and team ’em up.

So, why the fandango has ‘Doctor Who’ done just that?

Young boys have lost a non-violent role model.

Why not have a female Time Lord obsessed with what the Doctor did?

So obsessed she stole a TARDIS from Gallifrey, just like he did and even uses his name as a homage to him.

That way ‘Dr. Who’ can alternate them and team them up every so often.

Twice the fun, with two lead characters, instead of one.  Will they, won’t they?  They might even kiss!

But they didn’t because they didn’t have the imagination to create a new female character for women.

But ‘Dr. Who’ is not, alas, alone in changing sex.

What about ‘Winnona Earp?’

What next?

Will Robin Hood and His Merry Men become Roberta Hood and Her Merry Hockey Moms?

Will James Bond become Jane Bond?

Will ‘Dick Barton – Special Agent’ become Dyke Barton – Special Agent?

Will King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table become Bea Arthur and the Nights of the Golden Girls of the Kitchen Table?

Will ‘Charlie’s Angels’ become Charlene’s Angels?

Will ‘Transformers’ become Trans-formers?

And will ‘Downton Abbey’ return as Downton Abbess?

There are plenty of roles for women.  All women need is the imagination to create them.  Go to it.

Women don’t need male television executives changing gender, in a patronising, politically correct nod, like ‘Dr. Who’ has done.

Women should expect more that secondhand, cast-off male role models, re-cast as a woman.Women need new role models of their own.

That’s why the new ‘Wonder Woman’ film did so well last year.

And with that, it’s time for us to go now, alas.

Have a great week.

We’ll see you again next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Do you know what happens when you marinate?

Yes, you leave the toilet seat up.

No, you mix everything together and let it bring all the flavours out.

Oh, you marry together what you ate.

Alright, yes.

So what?

So, that’s what we’ve been doing this week, isn’t it.

It’s what we do every week, really.

I suppose it is, yes.

So, what are we marrying and ating this week?

We saw an advertisement, didn’t we?

Oh yes.  It said “Do you need your bottom scrubbing? Don’t delay, book your quick scrub today.  Lift, power wash, hold in slings, up to one hour and relaunch.”

Hands up all those who realised we were talking about a yacht.

And wash your minds out all those who did not.

Anyway, Silly Sausage was telling us this week how fed up she is with self-professed “experts”saying what’s good and what’s bad.

Every commercial break has commercials for things like “sexy waterproof panties.”

There is nothing sexy about a weak bladder.  If a man meets a woman at a singles bar and goes back to her place for a romantic evening, ending in bed together, she might expect a damp patch in the bed to lie on, but he doesn’t expect to wake-up soaked, with a rainbow over the bed.

Then there’s a commercial that says “even VIPs need to VIPoo.”

Is there anything more nauseating in a commercial break?

How about a commercial for starving children in Yemen, followed by a commercial for junk food?

Then there are countless commercials of women’s bottoms glaring at you in widescreen.

Bottoms on a bike.

Bottoms wobbling.

Bottoms dancing.

Bottoms bouncing.

And why?

Not because the lady loves ‘Milk Tray.’

No, because they’re selling panty liners.

One even has a chorus line of bottoms bouncing up and down, all so one nauseating woman can tell us “I…have…just…had…an…oops…moment”

I don’t wish to know that, kindly leave the stage and take your bouncing behind with you!

What happened to good old classics like the ‘Bumper Dumper?’

You don’t remember the ‘Bumper Dumper?’

My dear, you’ve never lived!

You go camping.

In the vacationing sense of the word.

You have dinner in the woods.

And feel something moving in the woods.

It’s your bowels.

Quick, attach the ‘Bumper Dumper’ to your car’s bumper and dump the night away.

No kidding?

Do bears shish-kebab in the woods?

Yes, they do and now you can too with a ‘Bumper Dumper.’

And with that thought we say so long for this week, but we’ll see you again next week, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And showing now in the Greatest Show Not on Earth, only in our lovely little village of Upton Went, the best action series on television in the ’70s that was never made, but should’ve been.

“The Green-backs.”

A team of 4 mercenaries, who will do any job, but strictly for cash, so there is no paper-trail to follow, hence their name, the Green-backs, slang for dollars in cash.

In between taking on jobs for governments and western security agents the Green-backs also undertake private jobs, to help those governments who have failed or justice have failed.

Perhaps the Green-backs are modern-day Robin Hoods, robbing the hoods to give their victims the justice they deserve.

Perhaps the Green-backs are year-round Santas bringing the gift of justice, but only if you’ve been good.

Their true identities are a closely guarded secret.

Their first names are taken from the Rat Pack.

Namely, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. and Joey Bishop.

While their surnames have vaguely religious overtones, as they have often been called into missionary trouble spots that have included Nigeria, Biafra, Gabon and Cambodia.

Namely, Bishop, Cardinal, Saint and Angel.

So, let’s meet the Green-backs!

Rank – Colonel.

Codename – Avenger.

Name – Frank Angel.

Background – Former United States Special Forces Green Beret.

Rank – Lieutenant Colonel.

Codename – Protector.

Name – Dean Saint.

Background – Former British and United States Special Forces Counterintelligence Officer.

Rank – Lieutenant.

Codename – Adventurer.

Name – Sam Cardinal.

Background – Former United States Marine Corp and Foreign Legionnaire.

Rank – Captain.

Codename – Persuader.

Name – Joe Bishop.

Background – Former United States Air force and Mossad Agent.

Now you’ve met the Green-backs themselves, meet the stars of “The Green-backs!”

Rock Hudson stars as Colonel Frank Angel.

Robert Vaughn stars as Lieutenant Colonel Dean Saint.

Dennis Weaver stars as Lieutenant Sam Cardinal.

And Tony Curtis stars as Captain Joe Bishop.

Colonel Frank “Avenging” Angel is the commanding officer and signs off on all missions.

Lieutenant Colonel Dean Saint is the logistics expert in charge of procuring equipment and counterintelligence.

Lieutenant Sam Cardinal is an expert in mechanics and languages and is just a charming, convincing liar, with a heart of gold and ice running through it.

Captain Joe Bishop is a combat pilot, late of the United States Air Force and the Israeli Air Force and can fly anything in and out of any trouble spot and is also well-trained in counterintelligence, late of Mossad.

Together, they are “The Green-backs.”

End of trailer.

Next week, we’ll be telling you what happens in the TV Movie pilot from 1977.

Be there!

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday for the TV Movie pilot of “The Green-backs!”

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were discussing which midnight they used on the International Space Station to see in the New Year when an important thought occurred to us.

It’s coming up to awards season again and nominations are being announced and we are incensed at the injustice and inequality of it all.

Once again no major nominations have been given to any animals!

There’s so much talk about blacks and women and equal pay that they don’t realise how selfish they’re all being.  At least they’re human.  There’s no prejudice against nominating a human, but if you’re an animal, forget it, the glass ceiling is there waiting for you.

I mean to say, did Mr. Ed ever get an Emmy?

No!

Did the actual War Horse get a Tony?

No! A pony with a Tony would’ve been nice!

Did Toto get an Oscar for ‘The Wizard of Oz?’

No!

Did Trigger get an O(scar for all those Roy Rogers movies he did?

No!

Did Big Bird get an Emmy for ‘Sesame Street,’ even though he’s been in it for 49 years?

No!

Did Chewbacca ever get an Oscar for the ‘Star Wars’ films, or Yoda, or even the big guy, Jabba the Hutt?

No! A wooden hut would stand a better chance!

They used to get Oscars years ago.

Remember Gregory Pecker?

Walter Pigeon?

George Seagull?

Anne N. Eagle?

Lion L. Bart?

Rhino Neal?

Hippo Crates?

The trouble is that no studios are run by animals, only humans.  Even MGM still isn’t run by a lion.

Anyone else can get an award, but not animals.

Olivia de Havilland got an Oscar.

If a plane can get an Oscar, why not an animal?

Jack Lemon got an Oscar.

If a citrus fruit can get an Oscar, why not an animal?

Dustin Hoffman got an Oscar.

If a guitar can get an Oscar, why not an animal?

Tom Cruise got an Oscar.

If an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile can get an Oscar, why not an animal?

Steve McQueen got an Oscar.

If Scottish Royalty can get an Oscar, why not an animal?

Some get typecast and never work again.

Take the Elephant Man.  He made one terrific movie in 1980, then nothing.  Why?

Because there are no roles for elephants in movies today!

And to prove the point, when did you last see Babe the Sheep-pig in a new movie, or Stuart Little, or the Pink Panther, or even Lassie, bless him.

So get your placards out and demonstrate at the awards for ‘Equal Pay for Animals,’ or ‘If it Barks, It Deserves a Buck,’ or Furry Lives Matter,’ or ‘Find a Big Part For Our Pussies.’

You know it makes sense!

It’s time for us to go now, but we’ll see you again next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world and all our furry and feathery friends.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week let us tell you the story of The Phantom of Jazz & Swing.

The year was 1938.  Benny Goodman had just played Carnegie Hall and he was the king of swing, together with Glenn Miller, Artie Shaw and Harry James.

It was the year George Gershwin would’ve turned 39 for the first time and Jack Benny turned 39 for the sixth time.

But there used to be another name up there with them, Gene Sax, now long since airbrushed out of musical history, just like a phantom.

Benny Goodman and Artie Shaw had their clarinets, Jack Benny had his violin, George Gershwin had his piano, Glenn Miller had his trombone, Harry James had his trumpet and Gene Sax had his saxophone.

He was so popular with the jitterbuggers that the record company produced rubber masks of Gene Sax’s face for fans to wear.  They figured if all teenagers want to look alike, they’d better look like Gene Sax and besides, it sold more records.

All this came to an end one fateful night in 1938.

While practising at his home in Sacramento, California, fire broke out.

Gene Sax survived, but his hands and face were severely burned.

He thought he could continue recording solely in the studio, or at least write hits for other artists, but he couldn’t play his saxophone anymore, due to the burns.

Django Reinhardt managed it with his guitar after fire broke out in his gypsy caravan, but a saxophone was a different matter and his hands were too badly damaged, although he was encouraged that they would heal and become stronger with time.

Time is what he didn’t have.  He had a manager, an agent and all sorts of other people to pay and he fell into a deep depression.

On New Year’s Eve 1938 Gene Sax boarded a cruise ship for Paris.  He was not seen when the ship docked in Paris and after no body turned up it was presumed he had jumped overboard.

And so began the legend of Gene Sax and the Phantom of Jazz & Swing ghost stories.

His house was never rebuilt and remained as it stood after the fire, a forgotten shell.

However, people started saying they could hear the faint sound of Gene Sax playing his saxophone as they walked past at night.

The year is now 1968 and for 30 years these stories have persisted.  The house still stands.  No-one will buy the land because they believe it’s haunted.

At a nearby malt shop a group of teenagers decide to get to the bottom of the mystery of the Phantom of Jazz & Swing.

They decide to spend the night in the house.  As midnight falls they arrive.  The house looks like the Munsters’ place at 1313 Mockingbird Road.  They go in and light the candles on a candelabra for light and heat.

At first nothing happens and they doze off.  Then they are woken by the echoey sound of a saxophone being played.

It seems to come from every direction.  They panic and run outside, knocking over the candelabra as they go, starting a fire.

As they stand helplessly watching the house burn for a second time, they see a figure on the roof.

It was Gene Sax, after 30 years, playing his saxophone and wearing one of those rubber masks over his burnt face.

He played triumphantly as the house finally collapsed, with him in it.  He had been living for 30 years in the shadows and learning to play his beloved saxophone again in the cellar and attic, untouched by the fire in 1938.

And this is the tragic story of Gene Sax, the Phantom of Jazz & Swing.  Now it can be told.

As for the group of teenagers, they starred in a cartoon series about a group of teenagers solving haunted house mysteries with a talking Great Dane and a drug addict called Shaggy, beginning the following year.

Time for us to go now.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Do you, or someone close to you, always fall asleep in front of the television and miss the last ten minutes of everything?

Do you still wonder who killed Marion Crane in ‘Psycho?’

Have you never found out whodunnit at the end of every episode of ‘Murder She Wrote?’

Knowing whodunnit, have you never found out how ‘Columbo’ catches them out?’

Is every episode of ‘Friends’ ‘The One I Fell Asleep In Front Of?’

Then you are not alone.  Especially regarding ‘Friends!’

Because now you can catch up on ‘Last Ten Minutes.com.’

The website, available to everyone in the lovely little village of Upton Went, set up by Silly Sausage.

She’s written all the endings from information we gave her because, you’ve guessed it, she falls asleep before the end of everything.

She’s also never seen the end of a Super Bowl or World Series since 1969.

And she only finds out how election nights end on the following nights’ evening news, as long as it’s at the start.

To give you an idea how chronically sleepy Silly Sausage can be, one night ‘The Day the Earth Caught Fire’ from 1961 was the late film.

And we said “Michael Caine has an uncredited part in it,” which is true, “you watch it at home and we’ll watch it at home and we’ll ring you at the end and see if you spotted him.”

When we rang her up, there was no answer.

Can you guess why?

Yes, that’s right.  She’d dropped off before the end.

Anyway, she’d recorded it, just in case, so we tried to show her Michael Caine because she wanted to know where he was.

So we said, “rewind about half an hour,” which she did.

Ad we said “what’s happening on screen now?”

And a sleepy voice said, not altogether helpfully, “Two people are talking to each other.”

And we said, “What are they talking about?”

And a sleepy voice said “I don’t know, I’ve been asleep.”

So we said, “Put the phone nearer the screen, so we can recognise the scene,” which she did.

After forwarding the recording and listening several more times, we came to the, now infamous, Michael Cainse scene.

We triumphantly said “You see that copper on the bridge?”

And a sleepy voice said “let me put my glasses back on ” before eventually saying “Yes.”

And we triumphantly said “That’s Michael Caine!”

And Silly Sausage said to us “Well, I never would’ve recognised him,” followed by “Can I go to bed now, please?”

And this is Silly Sausage.  She’s annoyed she always misses the end of everything and now she can look it all up on ‘Last Ten Minutes.com.’

If North Korea started World War III, she’d have to wait until someone showed it again on television.

If the world ended, she’d be the last to know because she’d be asleep in front of the late film at the time.

And that’s our little late for this week.

Join us every week for more tales of our lovely little village of Upton Went.  Some funny.  Some more serious.  Always true to life.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, in a land of dragons and unpronounceable place names, there existed a mythical kingdom called Wales, or Sim Roo, as its’ native inhabitants, the Taffs, called it.

This was a place of sword and sorcery and of female singers who fantasized they were Vera Lynn.

This was a place where U-boat commanders came from, who didn’t want any soggy chips.

This was a place where ‘Dr. Who’ battled giant maggots and ‘The Green Death.’

This was a place where stand-up comedians stood on stage holding a giant spring onion, while others managed the garage on ‘Crossroads.’

This was a place that claims to this very day to be a separate country, when the truth is that Wales is a principality of England and is shown to be part of England in the Magna Carter, written in the early 13th century at quarter-past-twelve.

And it came to pass that television came to Wales.

BBC Sim Roo Wales made boring programmes about marauding bands of district nurses and nannies terrorising the Welsh valleys.

Their studios were in Clan Daff, so named after the Daft Clan that used to inhabit the village.

And it came to pass that the Independent Broadcasting Authority thought it was not good for BBC Sim Roo Wales to be alone, so they caused the BBC to fall asleep and while they were asleep all their best directors and technical staff went to Hardluck Television, in Pontcanna Fields, for more money.

And when the BBC woke up they felt as if they had lost a rib and were filled with Woe Men, men filled with woe and not much else.

And Hardluck Television became better known as HTV Sim Roo Wales.

And lo, a rumour persisted that, if you watched repeats of ‘The Lone Ranger’ on a Saturday morning, you could see a World War II Panzer tank in the trees in the opening title sequence because a war film was being made in the next field.

This story remains apocryphal to this day.

Many strange things were known to happen at HTV Sim Roo Wales in Pontcanna Fields.

On a current affairs programme called ‘Outlook’ scenery was known to mysteriously collapse on politicians, therefore forever gaining the name ‘Look Out’ amongst those there at the time.

During the record-breaking summer of 1976 they made a ‘Petula Clark Christmas Special’ on location, with turkey, ice on the windows and thick winter clothes, in August, in 100 degree temperatures.

A door was discovered by management to have a tight seal, so they put up a notice saying so.

Unfortunately for management it was next to the design department and a cartoon appeared on the door, of a drunken seal going “hic!”

Cartoons from the design department were known to pop up on many a door, wall, or notice board, of people rolling about on the floor laughing, with the line underneath “You Want It Done By When?”

But the most mysterious of all the stories of HTV Sim Roo Wales was the day some bright spark decided to dub Hollywood westerns into Welsh.

This gained them the nickname Western Welsh, which was a bus company for long distance journeys, even though most Welsh people believed the Earth was flat and if you drove over halfway across the Severn Bridge you would fall off the edge.

Meanwhile, the Western Welshes reached their equivalent of Custard’s Last Cakestand due to the laughter caused by Native Americans greeting each other with “How,” which, when dubbed into Welsh, became “Shoo My.”

And so, after seeing ‘How Green Was My Valium,’ ‘Look Back in Bangor,’ ‘The Bridge on the River Wye’ and many other epics from the land of ‘The Perils of Pendragon’ and ‘Taffs Acre,’ we say goodbye to all that because it’s time for us to go now.

We’ll see you again next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

On station WANK a new season of ‘America’s Worst Practical Jokers’ began this week.

Six unsuspecting members of the public were going for a routine medical checkup.

Dwane Beaver is an alligator whisperer from Louisiana, who likes reading wanted posters and counting his fingers.

Victoria Sponge is a local government worker from Maine, who likes listening to Mozart and compiling cryptic crosswords.

Billy Bob Hoover is a used car salesman from New Jersey, who likes fast cars and slow women.

Coleen Fannybag is a beautician from Ohio, who likes ‘National Geographic’ magazine and chocolate chip cookies.

Al Wiener is a computer programmer from California, who enjoys collecting mobile phone applications and recycling junk mail.

And here’s our final unsuspecting member of the public.

Lawrence Welk is a janitor from Rhode Island, who enjoys being mistaken for the famous band leader of bubble-machine fame on television in the ’50s and ’60s and collecting broom handles from around the world.

Unbeknown to these six unsuspecting members of the public, when they went for their routine medical checkup, their coffee was drugged.

While they were unconscious they were flown to Mexico.

They were then driven to ‘Pedro Quack’s Meatball Surgery Emporium’ where they each had a kidney removed.

The kidneys were preserved in ice and flown, together with these six lucky contestants to the ‘World’s Worst Practical Jokers Productions studios in beautiful, downtown Burbank, California, where ‘America’s Worst Practical Jokers’ is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

When the six lucky contestants regained consciousness they were invited to be game for a laugh and play ‘That’s My Kidney.’

If they successfully pick out their kidney from the line of six, ‘America’s Worst Practical Jokers’ will award them their star prize.

And that star prize is that ‘America’s Worst Practical Jokers’ will pay for them to have their kidney put back where it once belonged at the hospital of their choice.

And as a bonus ‘America’s Worst Practical Jokers’ will throw in an ambulance back to their front porch absolutely free.

However, should any of the six lucky contestants fail to find their kidney they go home empty-handed, except for ‘America’s Worst Practical Jokers’ consolation prize of an all-expenses-paid holiday to Mexico and a place on the kidney transplant register.

Meanwhile, their kidneys will go to help needy Mexicans requiring a new kidney!

And that was last week’s ‘America’s Worst Practical Jokers.’

It’s nearly time to go, but before we do it’s time for this week’s ‘United States of Emergency’ spot.

Last week we told everyone in Texas we were thinking of them and praying for them.

This week we say the same to Florida.

Irma’s been a blast.

But now it’s in the past.

We know it left you aghast.

But you’ll be back on your feel real fast.

We’ll see you all again next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And here’s more from Brian Maggot, reporting in his column ‘The Maggot Patch’ in the ‘Upton Times.’

“‘Nurse Who?’ No.  ‘Mrs. Who?’ No.  From now on I’m calling ‘Doctor Who’ ‘Doctored Who,’ now it’s been castrated by the BBC.”

“This is Brian Maggot reporting from the ‘Maggot Patch.’  News keeps coming in about ‘Doctored Who.’  Peter Davison said it was sad because he always saw it as a good role model for boys, without guns or violence.  Now that has gone.”

“Think of all the schoolboys who will be bullied because their hero is a girl.  They’ll be asked if they’re gay.  The BBC didn’t think of that.”

“They seem to be confident of overseas sales.  I can’t  see Catholic countries being able to accept it.  I certainly can’t see Arab countries accepting it.  It would be seen as putting feminist ideas in Arab women’s minds and as a western conspiracy to push a lesbian and transgender propaganda campaign.  The BBC didn’t think of that, either.”

“There are many roles for women.  This is not one of them.  Boys like it as a role model.  That’s been destroyed now.  Girls like it as a father figure, or a big brother, or a favourite uncle, or because they fancy him.  That’s also been destroyed now.”

“How do you even begin to explain to a child that their favourite character has had a sex-change without tears before bedtime.  The doctor was never cruel or cowardly.  The BBC is!”

“I’ve noticed that the only positive comments in the press have been from articles all written by women.  They talk of roles for women and feminism and glass ceilings and bilge like that.  What they don’t talk about is ‘Doctored Who’ because they’re not fans and they couldn’t give a monkeys!”

“This week the ‘Radio Times’ had to admit the vast majority of correspondence had been against.  One reader struck the nail on the head and said that the BBC should have given ‘Doctor Who’ a rest for a few years and done a spin-off series.  In other words, if you’re going to do this damn silly thing, don’t do it in this damn silly way!”

“Any photograph of all the Doctors will now look like Spot the Black Eskimo!”

“In conclusion, let me leave you with these thoughts.  At the start of the ‘Lively Arts – Whose Dr. Who’ programme in 1977, the first serious study of ‘Dr. Who,’  Melvyn Bragg started by saying that the Doctor had become as instantly recognisable as Tarzan or Billy Bunter and he said that, if you think that’s easy, you try writing a character as easily recognisable as Tarzan or Billy Bunter.”

“Why are they and others so famous?  Tarzan is a man and Billy Bunter is a fat schoolboy.  If they weren’t, they would cease to be instantly recognisable.”

“There are others.  Miss Marple is an old lady.  Father Brown is a priest.  Sherlock Holmes is a man.  Wonder Women isn’t.  Superman is a man.  Batman is.  Captain America is a man.  The Bionic Woman isn’t.  The Six Million Dollar Man is.  Basil Brush is a male fox.  Black Beauty is a female horse.  Sooty is a male bear.  Lassie is a bitch, but that’s another story.”

“If you change the fundamentals of any of these characters, you destroy them.”

“If you feel betrayed by what the BBC have done to ‘Doctored Who,’  don’t just sit there, tell them.  Loudly.  There’s plenty to discover out there, move onto something else in life.”

“This is Brian Maggot signing off from the ‘Maggot Patch.'”

Good advice from Brian Maggot, there.

Yes, as Patrick McGoohan said in ‘The Prisoner’ make sure the BBC know you are not a number, you are a free man.  Male or female, use that freedom and don’t be tied to ‘Doctored Who’ like a daily fix of cocaine.  Be free.  Be your own Doctor.  Right your own ways.  Discover the universe.  It’s easy if you just try.

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now.

Yes, say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’d like to introduce to you this week Brian Maggot, an investigative reporter on the ‘Daily Upton,’ who has his own daily column, ‘The Maggot Patch.’

Don’t let the name deceive you.  Brian Maggot is a good man, otherwise he wouldn’t live in our lovely little village of Upton Went!

But he knows where to dig to uncover the can of worms at the bottom of the simile.

He’s miles better than Michael Prick on  ‘Channel 4 News’ and Esther Ratsnose on ‘That’s Life.’

He makes McGee on ‘The Incredible Hulk’ look like Julie Andrews, before she invented the toilet paper.

“Mr. McGee, don’t make me angry!  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!

This is what Brian Maggot had to say about ‘Dr. Who’ one day last week.  It makes very interesting reading indeed.

“In ‘The Maggot Patch’ today we look at ‘Dr. Who,’ or should that be ‘Nurse Who,’ or ‘Miss Who,’ or bloody great ‘Mistake?’

“Peter Capaldi will be emasculated on Christmas Day, as the Doctor turns from a Time Lord into a castrated Time Eunuch, like a randy tomcat!”

“Does this mean that ‘Dr. Who’ will no longer have any balls?  I’m afraid it does, yes!”

“What next?  A male Romana, perhaps, or K9 brought back as a cat.”

“The Daleks will laugh their suction cups off, like the Smash Martians, because there aren’t any female Daleks, or Cybermen, or Sontarans, or Autons, or Ood.”

“Let me use my very own TARDIS and take you back to March 1999.  A spoof ‘Dr. Who’ story is made for ‘Comic Relief.’  In it the 9th Doctor, played by Rowan Atkinson, regenerates into a younger 10th Doctor, played by Richard E. Grant, then an older 11th Doctor, played by Jim Broadbent, then a younger 12th Doctor, played by Hugh Grant and finally into a female 13th Doctor, played by Joanna Lumley, who says to her female companion ‘I’ve got Dalek bumps on my chest and she explains they’re breasts!”

“Who was the author of this singularly unfunny spoof?  None other than Steven Moffat, who has been in charge of ‘Dr. Who’ since 2010!”

“In 2003, when it was announced that ‘Dr. Who’ was coming back with Russell T. Davies in charge, it was very briefly suggested that Judi Dench play a female Doctor, which Russell T. Davies, quite rightly, replied to, saying ‘I’m not doing an ironic version of it.  If it’s not going to be done properly, I’d rather it wasn’t done at all.  Either I do it properly, or I don’t do it at all.”

“And, when it returned on screens in 2005, he did do it properly.  The Doctor was done properly and the TARDIS and the Daleks and the Time Lords and the companions.”

“But I suggest to you, dear reader, that ‘Dr. Who’ finished when Russell T. Davies left in 2009 and what has taken it’s place since is a spoof version, with Moffat playing out the plot of ‘The Curse of the Fatal Death’ from ‘Comic Relief’ in 1999.”

“The joke has been at the fan’s expense and it just became very unfunny.  the last 7 years many couldn’t fathom ‘Dr. Who’ and it only makes sense  if seen as a 7-year piss-take, which has now become a bloody great mistake.”

“Let’s look at the evidence.  In 2010 the Daleks were redesigned in multicolours and with bustles around the back.  In 2011 the Doctor got married and his wife turned out to be the grown-up child of his companion and also the TARDIS became a person.  In 2012 the new companion was introduced as really a Dalek, with mocking dialogue, like making ‘exterminate’ into a recipé for a soufflé, eggs, stirr, minate’ amongst other things.  When properly introduced in 2013 she mockingly referred to the TARDIS on first glance as ‘is this your snog-box?’  In 2014 the Master had become emasculated and the Brigadier became a Cyberman.  In 2015 the Doctor shot a male Time Lord, who regenerated into a woman and said back at last!  In 2017 the gay companion became a Cyberman and then flew off to spend eternity with a puddle.”

“If the above was ‘Red Dwarf’ you’d laugh.  As ‘Dr. Who’ you cringe.  In conclusion, fans are being conned and laughed at.  ‘Dr. Who’ died over Christmas 2009 and has been a spoof comedy version ever since, with only situation-comedy plots, logic and dialogue!  Please don’t allow yourself to be conned any longer!  This is Brian Maggot signing off from ‘The Maggot Patch.’

Excellent stuff and food for thought!  See you anon.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW.

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Now, you’ll remember last year we met Beryl in Peril, working on a sex phone line on television and getting a phone call from her shocked mother.

Then, we found Beryl in Peril again when, having given up “showbusiness,” she found her mother on television instead.

Well, now there is a third chapter.

Beryl turned on the sex phone line channel to see old friends again and saw, to her horror, her father.  The conversation went like this when she rang him up on the air.

“Dad, this is your daughter, Beryl, speaking.”

“Hello, Beryl.  I haven’t seen a lot of you lately.”

“Well, I’m seeing a hell of a lot of you now.”

“Just making ends meet, Beryl.”

“I don’t want to see your ends meet with anyone else’s, thank you very much.”

“It’s just a bit of fun, Beryl.”

“Not to me, it’s not.  I can see your dangly bits.”

“It’s called a penis, Beryl.  A penis.”

“I know what it’s called, Dad, but when it belongs to my father and it’s on national television, it’s your dangly bits!”

“As you wish.”

“How did you get on there, anyway?”

“Equality, Beryl.  If you can have naked women, you should have naked men.  I’m blazing a trail, Beryl.”

“Well, I wish your trail was blazing somewhere else.”

“I get lots of wonderful calls, Beryl.  I look at it as being like a priest taking people’s confessions.”

“Most priests aren’t stark bollocks naked, Dad.”

“That’s not what I hear, Beryl!”

“What sort of women ring you up?”

“It’s not just women, Beryl.”

“What?”

“I get a lot of calls from men, Beryl.”

“Gay men?”

“Well, some are quite jolly, Beryl, yes.”

“You help gay men come.”

“No, they stay where they are on the other end of the phone, Beryl.  It’s me who comes.”

“I beg your pardon!”

“I come to the studio, well, warehouse, every day.”

What would Mum say?”

“Well you can ask her yourself, Beryl.”

“What?”

“She’s here as well.  Your ex-boyfriend thought the punters would be interested in double acts.”

“You mean Mum’s there now?”

“Yes, I am, Beryl.  Hello, dear.”

“Mum, I’m looking at both my parents on television, stark naked.”

“It was the same the night you were conceived during the Summer of Love, Beryl.”

“The difference is the whole country wasn’t watching then.”

“Well, now’s their chance.”

And Beryl remembers no more from that night because it was at that point that she fainted!

And that was Beryl in peril, chapter 3.

Anyway, we’ll see you again next week.

Yes, goodnight to all the nice people around the world and Beryl, get well soon.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

There’s a serial just finished call ‘SS-GB’ based on the novel written by Len Deighton in 1978. It belongs to that most interesting sub-genre of science-fiction, alternative history.

In ‘SS-GB’ Britain lost the Battle of Britain in 1940 and it’s now 1941 and Britain is run by the Nazis.

It reminds me of a serial shown on the BBC in 1978 called ‘An Englishman’s Castle’ which showed a present, in 1978, where, 30 years after losing the war, Britain has its’ own government, but every law has to be passed by Germania.

Do look out for both these titles on video.

Both ‘SS-GB’ and ‘An Englishman’s Castle’ involve a resistance group.

After chatting to Walter Gate about them he put forward a very interesting hypothesis, which was that, when you compare how Britain was treated under the European Union, ‘An Englishman’s Castle’ presents a Britain not all that different, in that all British laws can be overturned at will be Europe.

Then there’s the idea of the resistance.

There was always resistance to joining the Common Market.

In 1963 Britain was refused entry into the Common Market because De Gaulle, the one with the big hooter, said “Non!”

After freeing France from the Nazis, De Gaulle has de gaul to do that.  Let ’em get on with it next time!

Britain eventually got into the Common Market in 1973, but the very fact they had to ask was an insult on the part of the Europeans that insults the memory of every British soldier, sailor and airman who died liberating France, Germany and all the rest.

Straight away there was a resistance because Europe wanted to force metric measures on Britain.  Imagine a baseball stadium where all the boundary walls are measured in metres, instead of feet.  Imagine the NFL with each down measures in metres and centimetres, instead of yards and inches.  Chaos! Well, that’s what Europe caused in Britain.

The resistance went by many names.  To begin with they were known as the Metric Martyrs.  In the ’80s and 90s’ stallholders and small businessmen were literally locked up for refusing to go metric.

When you consider ‘SS-GB’ and ‘An Englishman’s Castle’ it’s not very different to see the police and the courts forced by Brussels to lock up their own citizens when they haven’t done anything wrong.

Eventually the resistance won and metric measures were no longer forced on Britain by Europe as from 2007, but the damage was done and such insane laws should never have been tolerated in the first place.

Then there were all the terrorists who are told to make complaints of brutality against the armed forces and intelligence agencies in order to break morale.  The British wouldn’t rise to this bait, so they appealed to the European Court of Human Rights, who forced Britain to free known terrorists and pay them compensation.

So, Europe forced Britain to lock up innocent shopkeepers and free known terrorists.  These people are dictators in sheep’s clothing.

The same was true with deporting known terrorist sympathisers, taking up to 10 years, but Britain didn’t give in to Europe and when you consider the large amount of terrorist attacks in France and Germany recently, you can see how wrong their policies are.

In the ’90s the resistance spread to prominent MPs and became known as the Euro-skeptics.  They demanded a simple in-or-out referendum.

Eventually, in 2012, they got one agreed, to take place by the end of 2017.

It took place in June 2016 and the resistance finally won and June 23rd was referred to as Britain’s Independence Day.

The parallels are clear.

Both 1776 and 2016 are about saying “no” to taxation without representation.

There are still some sore losers mouthing off, like modern-day Lord Haw Haws.  They deserve the same fate as Lord Haw Haw as well, if they continue to ignore and defy the will of the British people.

These Lord Haw Haws are, in fact, pissing in the wind anyway because nothing they say can prevent Britain enjoying its’ independence for the first time since New Year’s Eve 1972.

Much has been said of the Cold War between the United States and Russia, but there was always a second Cold War between Britain and the European Union and Britain last year struck a definitive blow to win that Cold War.

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now.

Yes, say goodnight to all the nice people around the world, including Europe.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we had a daft conversation the other day.

Yes, I was introducing Apple to the joys of ‘Taxi.’

I’d never seen it before.

After about half a dozen episodes Apple said “who’s that?” about one of the regular cast members and when I found which one I said “Tony Danza.”

“He was in ‘Happy Days’ before.”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“Tony Danza was definitely in ‘Happy Days.’ ”

“Playing who?”

“Fonzie’s nephew.”

“Tony Danza wasn’t Fonzie’s anything.”

“He was.”

“How can Tony Danza be Fonzie’s nephew when he’s the same age.”

“But ‘Happy Days’ was made before ‘Taxi.’ ”

“They were both made at the same time.”

“But ‘Happy Days’ was set earlier.”

“If you want the years, ‘Taxi’ ran from 1978 to 1983 and ‘Happy Days’ ran from 1974 to 1984.”

“No, ‘Happy Days’ was ’50s & ’60s.”

“No, ‘Happy Days’ was only set in the ’50s & ’60s.  It wasn’t made in the ’50s & ’60s.

“But Tony Danza was still in ‘Happy Days.’ ”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“He was Chacchi, Fonzie’s nephew.”

“That was Scott Baio.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am.”

“Show me.”

And I showed Apple the cast list of both ‘Taxi’ and ‘Happy Days’  in a reference book.

“Well, I still know Tony Danza from something else.”

“Like what?”

“Dunno.  What else has Tony Danza been in?”

” ‘Angels in the Outfield’ in 1994.  Marvellous baseball film.  Christopher Lloyd was in that too as the chief angel.”

“That’s a film.”

“Well done, it is.”

“What else has Tony Danza been in on television?”

“He was in ‘Who’s the Boss?’ ”

“What was he in before ‘Who’s the Boss?’ ”

“Taxi!’ ”

“What was he in before ‘Taxi?’ ”

“Nothing.”

“He must’ve been in something.”

“No.”

“Was he something else, instead of acting?”

“Yes.”

Perhaps that’s where I know him from.”

“He was a boxer.”

“Was he?”

“He was.”

“I don’t know him as a boxer.”

“Well?”

“I must be thinking of Scott Baio.”

“I think so.”

It’s a good job I didn’t ask what else Scott Baio had been in.

Please don’t.

Why?

Because it’s time to say goodnight to all the nice people around the world, including Tony Danza, Scott Baio and Christopher Lloyd.

O.K, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last week we started telling you what Jason Pink told us about his latest case in Beverly Hills.  He parked his pink MG convertible outside the Beverly Hills Police Department.

“Look, Eddie Murphy parked on this exact spot.”

“He did.”

“Eddie Murphy stood on this exact spot.”

“He did.”

“And Judge Reinhold.”

“He did.”

“And John Ashton.”

“He did.”

“And now I’m a Beverly Hills Cop – for real.”

“You are.”

“I’ve always wanted to go to Beverly Hills.  I never missed an episode of ‘The Beverly Hillybillies.’

“Hillbillies.”

“I knew that.  Whatever, don’t spoil it.  I’m having a magic moment.  I may never get the chance again, you know. The point is Eddie Murphy was the fiction, but I am the real thing.”

“You are.”

“I’m taller than Eddie Murphy.”

“Possibly.”

“I dress better than Eddie Murphy.”

“Eddie Murphy was playing a fictional character and one thing’s for sure – you’re not richer than Eddie Murphy.”

“Not yet, but I’ll be able to put my prices up after this.  ‘Private Dick To the Stars.’  What do you think.”

“I think you might meet the wrong sort of client that way.”

“Right.  How about ‘Jason Pink – Beverly Hills Private Investigator?’  How does that sound?”

“It needs some work.”

“Yes.  Another time.”

So, they went in.  They explained why they were there.  They got all the paperwork done so Jason Pink was registered properly as a private investigator in the state of California and they got a copy of the autopsy report.

The friend of their client was an actor in Hollywood.  He had got over addictions to alcohol and drugs successfully many years ago.  He had been given a diagnosis of dementia with a prognosis of about 5 years, long before which he would not be able to work.  He was 61.  He had been prescribed appropriate medication.

Reading it back at the hotel, Jason Pink turned to Nigel for his opinion.

“Well? What do you think?”

“Diagnosis of dementia.”

“Yes?”

“Not able to act anymore.”

“Yes?”

“Reason enough to kill yourself.”

“Maybe, but not everyone with a diagnosis hangs themselves, whether dementia or anything else.”

“True.”

“Then there’s what our client said.  All those drugs in his system.  No note.  No goodbye.  Reasonable doubts, all of them.”

“Let’s look right through the entire diary of events leading up to the death and who was there.”

And we’ll tell you what they read next week.

Be there.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been chatting with Beryl’s mum at the Gossip Shop.

And Beryl is in peril.

From her mum!

It all started when Beryl answered an advertisement for “acting & modelling work.”  There was a lot of night work and Beryl’s mum was happy to trust her to look after herself, until one night last week when Beryl’s mum couldn’t sleep and was looking through various digital channels on television and came across many channels she’d never realised where there.

She had no idea there were so many adult channel throughout the night and it was then that Beryl’s mum saw Beryl on one of these adult channels, enticing young men to phone in to a sex chat line.

Beryl’s mum was so shocked she got Beryl’s dad out of bed and got him to ring the number on the screen and when he got through Beryl’s mum grabbed the phone and the conversation went something like this.

“Beryl, this is your mother.  Put those away at once.”

“Don’t embarrass me, mum, I’m working.”

“What sort of work d’you call this?”

“I’m acting and modelling.”

“Yes and I can see what you’re modelling.  Your father is stood next to me lying down.  He’s apoplexic.  He’s had an apoplexic fit.  Haven’t you?”

“I have.”

“He has.”

“Mum, what do you want?”

“I want you to put your knickers, knackers and knockers away.  Your father’s seen parts of you tonight he hasn’t seen since you were a baby.”

“But I’m working until 5am.”

“You’ll catch pneumonia by 5am.  You know you always suffer with your chest this time of year with hayfever.”

“That’s why I work nights.”

“Don’t you cheek me.  Where are you?  I’m coming round to smack your bum!”

“Not now, mum.  We only do spanking on subscription channels.”

“What would your boyfriend say, Beryl?”

“Who d’you think’s behind the camera, Mum?”

“You’ve changed, Beryl.  You never learnt this at Brownies.”

“Wanna bet?”

“What about that nice girlfriend of yours, what would she think?”

“You can ask her yourself, she’s in the other side of the studio.  We do double acts sometimes.”

“Beryl, for the last time, will you put your pants back on, pull your bra back down and get off that exercise bike?  You’ll give yourself piles.

“Mum, your making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“Beryl, you’re a big girl, they’re not molehills anymore, I can assure you.”

“But I’m providing a service, Mum.”

“So do the Samaritans, Beryl, but they manage to do it without taking their clothes off.”

“If they did perhaps the suicide rate would go down.”

“Beryl, that’s a terrible, terrible thing to say in front of your parents.”

“I didn’t know it was your turn.  Look, I finish at 5am.  I’ll be back for breakfast and we can talk it over, alright.?”

“You’re a good girl, Beryl.  What d’you want?”

“Two large buns, two melons and spotted dick!.

And she hung up.

But it all got sorted out, eventually.

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now and unwind.  Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.