APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I'm Apple...

...and I'm Ginger.

And this is what Jason Pink told his client at exactly 11.42am.  Was his
friend murdered and if so, by who?  The wife?  The maid? Both? Or was it
really suicide?

I think you'll be surprised and intrigued by what Jason Pink found out.  
He's not the best for nothing.

The place - a hotel room in Beverly Hills.

The time - 11.42am exactly, pacific standard time.

The facts.

"When your deceased friend called at "an unnamed friend's house,"  that was
you, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"But you never came forward to tell the coroner?"

"He was a famous Hollywood actor.  He had a wife.  I didn't want to start any
rumours the 'National Enquirer' would start probing into."

"But he was your friend and you were having a relationship."

"That's why I kept silent."

"But you came to me."

"I understood you'd empathise with my position."

"I do.  Do you feel ready to hear what really happened the night your friend
died?"

"I am."

"Then sit down and I'll tell you a story."

"Go ahead."

"On the night your friend died he suddenly, at 7pm, stuffed all his wrist watches
in a sock, drove over to you, had a conversation only you know about, went to the 
shops, called his wife and asked if she wanted any magazines and drove home 
arriving at 7.30."

"Yes."

"That was his goodbye.  A pre-determined set of words and actions to tell his wife
"tonight's the night, I'm going to take enough medication to put myself in a very
deep sleep, you know what to do, do it before I wake up."  Wrist watches - time's 
up.  Sock - sock it to me.  Magazines - as in guns.  Knife - making a pre-determined
cross on his left wrist as a last confirmation."

"He was giving her permission."

"Exactly.  When he put the wrist watches in the sock, called about magazines and 
marked his left wrist with a cross, they knew what to do and he trusted them to do
it.  The only thing he added was to come and see you.  He gave you the wrist
watches.

"Yes."

"That was him saying goodbye.  If it wasn't in code, he knew you'd try and stop it 
and it was what he wanted because he knew he was dying."

"Go on."

"He went to bed at midnight.  When his wife got up he was still alive, but in a 
deep, deep sleep.  He'd looked up the right dose and taken enough to virtually put
him in a coma.  His wife left the house at 10.30am, but went nowhere and just stayed
in the grounds.  The "errands" were just an alibi, worked out with the deceased to
prevent suspicion falling on his wife.  The maid arrives at 11am.  She puts the note
under the bedroom door, all worked out with the deceased.  At 11.42am the wife comes
back in the house, after mentally preparing herself to do what he wanted her to do.
That's why there was a gap of 42 minutes.  The maid sends a text to the wife's 
phone, all pre-determined to prevent suspicion falling on the maid, as well as his
wife.  Shortly after 11.42am the wife unlocks the bedroom door, they both go in, 
they check the cross is on his left wrist, as a last statement of his intent, giving
them permission and telling them this was what he wanted and the time was now."

"And then they hanged him from the fitted wardrobe?"

"There was no murderous intent.  It was all agreed many months before between the
deceased and his wife and maid.  If anyone wanted to try them for murder there is
just as much evidence of him giving coded permission to prove there was no
murderous intent.  It was what he wanted.  It was an act of mercy."

"I wish I'd been there."

"You couldn't be there.  He said his goodbye.  He was protecting you.  He was
protecting his wife.  Accept it."

"I do."

And that was what Jason Pink told us of his latest case, in Beverly Hills.

It showed us the lengths someone went to because they had a terminal illness and
wanted a dignified end before they were unable to act anymore.  It showed us the 
lengths they went to in order to ensure there would be no suspicion on his wife, 
or anyone else.

Food for thought.  Faced with the same illness, who knows if anyone would do the 
same, when time's up?

It's time now for us to go and have a good evening with Jason Pink and Nigel.  Say
goodnight to all the nice people around the world and we'll see you again next
week.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

 

Hi, I'm Apple...
...and I'm Ginger

And Last time we were telling you what Jason Pink told us about his latest case 
in Beverly Hills.

His client was a friend of the deceased, who allegedly hanged himself, but he
has a problem with this case and so do Jason Pink and Nigel.

"I have a problem with this case."

"Me too."

"Let's see what the maid said in the coroner's report.  Read on."

The maid arrived at 11am.  She had been their maid for 20 years and so they all
knew and trusted each other.

She said she was concerned immediately she arrived at 11am because everything was
so quiet.

She said his bedroom was silent and that worried her.

She slipped a note under the door, saying "Are you O.K?" with the date and time 
11am.

There was no response.

"Why did she put a note under the door?"

"Agreed."

"If I was worried about you, or anyone else for that matter, I'd knock on the door."

"Agreed."

"The note conveniently places her outside the bedroom door, allegedly alone, at 
11am."

"Agreed."

"What really worries me is this.  The maid comes to work as normal, after 20years, 
at 11am."

"Right."

"She's worried immediately at 11am."

"Right."

"She puts a note under the bedroom door, placing her there, allegedly alone, at 
11am."

"Right."

"Then she does nothing about it for 42 minutes.  Absolutely nothing."

"Exactly."

"If I was worried there might be a dead body upstairs, I couldn't wait 42 minutes,
dusting or hoovering, I'd call 9ll."

"Right."

"Even after 42 minutes, she still just texts the wife.  No call for an ambulance.
No nothing."
"Read on."

The report said that, after texting the wife at 11.42am exactly, she "picked the
lock with a paperclip and barged in to find him unresponsive."

"Why pick the lock?  She's worked there for 20 years.  Doesn't she have a pass key?"

"And it's Beverly Hills.  I expect that's a good lock.  They're very big on personal
security in Beverly Hills.  If you could pick a lock with a paperclip just like that
I'd be furious."

"It does seem suspicious."

"But if the maid had anything to do with the hanging, she'd need a second person."

"Same as with the wife, we have the 2 of them placed together in the house after
11.42am."

"Right."

"So why did she wait 42 minutes before texting the wife?"

"Suppose she was waiting for the wife to return and then made the text to alibi the
wife."

"Exactly."

"Then, is it murder?"

"There's more to this case than murder.  I know what happened now."

And Jason Pink called his client.  "Meet me in my hotel room tomorrow at noon.  I 
know what happened to your friend.  No, wait.  Make it 11.42am exactly."

And we'll tell you whodunit and why next week, in the conclusion of The Pink
Detective Strikes Again.

Same Pink time.

Same Pink channel.

Be there.

O.K. Goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I'm Apple...
...and I'm Ginger.

And last week Jason Pink was telling us about his latest case in Beverly Hills and
here's what he found the coroner's report said about the wife of the deceased 
friend of his client.

Nothing unusual was reported in the early morning.  She didn't specify at what
time she got up, but she said she left the house at 10.30am.

There had been no sound from the bedroom he was sleeping in all night, nor in the
morning up to the time she left the house at 10.30am.

So, the deceased was alone in the house from 10.30am, but the maid arrived, as 
usual, at 11am.

"Could he have hanged himself when he was in the house alone, unheard?"

"Impossible.  He'd taken many drugs, according to the coroner's report.  Enough to
put him out for hours, at least 12 hours. He only went to bed at midnight.  It's
only 10 1/2 hours later.  Besides, if you take any drugs to knock yourself out, 
you cannot predict when you're going to wake up - if you wake up at all."

"What about an alarm clock?"

"No alarm clock reported.  The maid heard nothing when she arrived at 11am.  No 
way."

When the wife left the house at 10.30am she said she was going "to run errands."

"Too vague.  No alibi from any third party and she never showed up on any camera 
at any shop, or any camera on the highway.  There is no evidence of where she went
between 10.30am and returning to the house."

"I agree."

"Read on."

The wife received a text at exactly 11.42am from the maid, saying "I'm going to 
try and wake him up.  I can't get an answer from his room."

The report does not say the wife then texted back, or that she rushed home.  It 
does not specify exactly when she returned home from running "errands."

"Nigel, if someone texted me and said they were concerned about you, I'm sure I'd
come running."

"Bless your heart and so would I."

"So, why was she so relaxed about receiving that text?"

"Exactly."

"And how come there's no record of where she went, visually from 10.30am to 
whatever time she returned after 11.42am?"

"What if she never really left the house?"

"There is no proof she was elsewhere and that means there's no alibi."

"That's the original meaning of alibi, to be elsewhere and there's no visual proof
from anyone that she was really anywhere else."

"I don't like the way this is panning out."

"No - but if the wife had anything to do with the hanging, she'd need someone 
else.  He was a big man.  He'd be a "dead weight" to carry to the fitted wardrobe.
You'd need 2 people."

"We've got 2 people.  The maid is placed in the house from 11am and the wife is 
placed in the house after 11.42am."

"Exactly."

"Now, I want to see what the maid said."

"Agreed."

"One thing concerns me about the maid already."

"Go on."

"She arrives at 11am."

"Right."

"She doesn't text the wife until 11.42am."

"Right."

"What was she doing for those 42 minutes?"

"That's what I'd like to know.  Read on."

And we'll tell you what they found out next week.

Be there.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last week Jason Pink was about to go through the diary of events leading up to the death of his client’s friend in Beverly Hills.  This is what they read.

On the evening of the death at about 7pm the deceased suddenly stuffed every wristwatch in the house into a sock and drove over to “an unnamed friend’s house” for safekeeping.  Then he called his wife and asked if she wanted any magazines from the shops.  He returned at 7.30 and immediately looked up on the internet dosages of his medication.  It wasn’t known at 7.30 that this was what he was looking up.  The memory was checked days later.

The only other person in the house was his wife.  It is not clear what was said between 7.30 and midnight, only that the last time his wife saw him alive was midnight, when he went to bed in a spare room.

Sleeping in a spare room wasn’t unusual because he didn’t want to disturb his wife with tremors in the night.  However, his hand was steady enough to drive over to “an unnamed friend’s house” and the shops and back home again safely between 7pm and 7.30.  When he went to bed he was wearing a T-shirt and shorts, also not unusual.

At the time he went to bed his wife said his mood was “excited” as well as “upbeat.”  It’s not unusual that people who are about to kill themselves are upbeat, but it needs to be looked at closely.

The report stated that, once in the bedroom, he entered the en-suite bathroom with a knife given to him while visiting the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.  This was a very sharp combat knife.  He made only 2 small cuts on his wrist.  The cuts were on his left wrist, so the knife was in his right hand, the hand that shaked  badly at night.  If his hand had shaked at the time, the cuts would be deep.  They  were not.  Jason Pink stopped there.

“His right hand wasn’t shaking when he picked up the knife.”

“No.”

“He could’ve practically severed his hand with that combat knife.”

“Certainly.”

“But he purposely only made 2 slight cuts on his wrist?  Why?”

“Good question.”

“I know.”

“And there was no sign of shaking between 7pm and 7.30, when he left the house.”

“No.”

“And he was driving – safely.”

“Yes and there were no traffic reports.”

“And his wife didn’t say anything about shaking in the evening between 7.30 and midnight, when he went to bed.”

“No.”

“Doesn’t make sense.”

“No, it doesn’t.  Read on.”

The report made it clear the 2 cuts were superficial and crossed each other, like X marks the spot.  He used a flannel to mop up the blood on the bathroom floor.  He then washed the flannel clean of blood in the sink.  He then locked the bedroom door.

During the night his wife didn’t hear any sounds coming from the bedroom and she was only along the landing.  He was reported to have hanged himself from a fitted wardrobe in the bedroom.

“No – it doesn’t add up.”

“I agree.”

“He hangs himself from the fitted wardrobe.”

“There would be a loud sound of the stool, or whatever he stood on, being kicked away and the sound of the body against the wardrobe.  Death by hanging isn’t instantaneous.

“Two distinct unmistakable sounds that should have been heard and felt, causing his wife to wake up and see what was wrong.”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing.  I don’t think he killed himself in the night.  I think when his wife got out of bed in the morning he was still alive.”

“I agree.”

“Read on.  I want to know what the wife said.”

And we’ll tell you what they found next week.

Be there.

O.K.  goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last week we started telling you what Jason Pink told us about his latest case in Beverly Hills.  He parked his pink MG convertible outside the Beverly Hills Police Department.

“Look, Eddie Murphy parked on this exact spot.”

“He did.”

“Eddie Murphy stood on this exact spot.”

“He did.”

“And Judge Reinhold.”

“He did.”

“And John Ashton.”

“He did.”

“And now I’m a Beverly Hills Cop – for real.”

“You are.”

“I’ve always wanted to go to Beverly Hills.  I never missed an episode of ‘The Beverly Hillybillies.’

“Hillbillies.”

“I knew that.  Whatever, don’t spoil it.  I’m having a magic moment.  I may never get the chance again, you know. The point is Eddie Murphy was the fiction, but I am the real thing.”

“You are.”

“I’m taller than Eddie Murphy.”

“Possibly.”

“I dress better than Eddie Murphy.”

“Eddie Murphy was playing a fictional character and one thing’s for sure – you’re not richer than Eddie Murphy.”

“Not yet, but I’ll be able to put my prices up after this.  ‘Private Dick To the Stars.’  What do you think.”

“I think you might meet the wrong sort of client that way.”

“Right.  How about ‘Jason Pink – Beverly Hills Private Investigator?’  How does that sound?”

“It needs some work.”

“Yes.  Another time.”

So, they went in.  They explained why they were there.  They got all the paperwork done so Jason Pink was registered properly as a private investigator in the state of California and they got a copy of the autopsy report.

The friend of their client was an actor in Hollywood.  He had got over addictions to alcohol and drugs successfully many years ago.  He had been given a diagnosis of dementia with a prognosis of about 5 years, long before which he would not be able to work.  He was 61.  He had been prescribed appropriate medication.

Reading it back at the hotel, Jason Pink turned to Nigel for his opinion.

“Well? What do you think?”

“Diagnosis of dementia.”

“Yes?”

“Not able to act anymore.”

“Yes?”

“Reason enough to kill yourself.”

“Maybe, but not everyone with a diagnosis hangs themselves, whether dementia or anything else.”

“True.”

“Then there’s what our client said.  All those drugs in his system.  No note.  No goodbye.  Reasonable doubts, all of them.”

“Let’s look right through the entire diary of events leading up to the death and who was there.”

And we’ll tell you what they read next week.

Be there.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last time, you’ll remember, Jason Pink was quietly thinking over the case after his client’s ex-husband passed out at the first sight of blood.

It was at that point that he heard movement coming from the bedroom upstairs.

“Who’s there?  Come out, I know you’re there.”

He heard footsteps coming downstairs.

And in walked his client.

“Surprised?”

“Not really.  Your ex-husband couldn’t kill a fly with an affliction like that and you never killed your headmaster, you just picked the story off the papers.”

“Very astute.”

“Astute, it’s pure genius.  What I don’t understand is what the cat’s got to do with it.”

“Nothing.  It probably died of old age.  It just got you on the hook.”

“Then what is all this about?”

“It spiced up our sex life.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“We like experimenting.  The trouble is, once you start experimenting, you have to come up with more and more adventurous ideas to spice things up.”

“And murder turns you on?”

“Not murder, the excitement of playing the game.”

“Well, the game’s over now.”

She pulled out a pistol.

“You won’t shoot me.”

“You’re very sure all of a sudden.”

“That gun fires blanks, just like your husband.”

“What?”

“That’s why you need to get yourselves off with imaginary stories about murder.  Your husband is impotent.  Probably has been for years.  You’d leave him for real if you weren’t frigid.

“What?”

The perfect couple.  Your husband’s a limp windsock and you’re a giant popsicle.”

She threw the fake gun at him and missed.

“You can’t even get your aim right.”

Unfortunately the fake gun hit her husband on the back of the head.

“He’s really out for the count this time.  My account will be in the post.  I’d pay it if I were you.”

And with that he left her to pick up the pieces.

Later, Jason Pink was discussing it all with Nigel in bed.

“So, I don’t know if I really could have solved the murders, if there had been any murdered.”

“At least you know one thing.”

“Which is?”

“If all else fails you could be a decent marriage counsellor.”

“Say goodnight, Gracie.”

“Goodnight, Gracie.”

And with that Nigel put the light out.  If the calendar could still be trusted to be telling the truth and not just trying to spice up its’ sex life, tomorrow was another day.  Hopefully a more successful one.

And that is the story told to us by Jason Pink – The Pink Detective.

Maybe Jason Pink and Nigel will be back again some time.

But it’s time for us to go now, we’ll see you again next time.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K.,  goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last time, you’ll remember, Jason Pink was nursing a sore groin because two hot cups of tea ended up in it.

And one of those cups of tea were flung there by his client who may or may not have killed her cat and years ago may or may not have murdered her headmaster, by stabbing him through the eye with a compass.

And his client’s ex-husband, who is also nursing a sore groin because Jason Pink kneed him in it, may or may not have killed the cat and years ago may or may not have murdered a girl in his flat, by slitting her throat from ear to ear from behind in the bathroom while holding the body of the toilet bowl and flushing the blood down the loo.

When Jason Pink started telling us this story we had no idea it was going to get so gooey.

Although Jason Pink did manage to have a very balanced story to tell us.  For the sake of equality a woman has killed a man and a man has killed a woman, or maybe no-one has killed anyone.  Who knows anymore?

Confused?

You will be!

Jason Pink called on his client’s ex-husband again.He didn’t run for it this time.

Just as well because Jason Pink was still a bit red in the nether regions, despite Nigel administering first aid.

They sat down.

“What did she tell you?”

“She said you could have killed her cat after all because you killed a girl you brought back to your flat.”

“I’ve never killed anyone in my life.”

“She said you slit her throat from ear to ear.”

“From here to where?”

“From ear to ear in there” he said, pointing at the bathroom.

“In there?”

“In there or in a flat you lived in at the time.”

“I can’t have done that.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t stand the sight of blood.  I’m feeling queezy just at the thought of it.”

“We’ll see” and Jason Pink very bravely cut his index finger with a penknife.

There was one drop of blood on the carpet and he was out like a light.

He checked and it was definitely for real.  He was unconscious.

Jason Pink brought him round.

“I take your point.”

“What point?”

“That you can’t stand the sight of blood” and showed him his bloody finger and he passed out again.

There seemed no denying that his client’s ex-husband was incapable of bloody murder, even of poisoning the cat.

Jason Pink waited for him to come round and took the opportunity to think things over.

It was at that point that he heard movement coming from the bedroom upstairs.

“Who’s there?  Come out, I know you’re there.”

“He heard footsteps coming downstairs.

And we’ll tell you what happened next in the final instalment of Jason Pink – The Pink Detective, same pink time, same pink channel.

Be there!

O.K.  goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last time, you’ll remember, Jason Pink was about to call on his client and find if she really did stab her headmaster in the eye when she was in high school.

His pink MG pulled up outside another boring, average suburban address.

He rang the bell.

She answered.

She didn’t make a run for it, thankfully.

He went in.

They sat down, with a nice cuppa tea.

“I went to see your ex-husband yesterday.”

“How is he?”

“Nursing his groin.”

“Pardon?”

“Granted.”

“Did he kill my Beaver.”

“I don’t know, but he said he suggested you might have done it yourself.”

“Did he?”

“He said you’ve killed before.”

At which point the nice cuppa tea she was holding landed in his groin and the shock caused his own cuppa tea to join it.

“At least it wasn’t the face.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

“I know what came over me.”

“I haven’t killed anyone before in my life.”

“Not your headmaster?”

“No.”

“Not with a compass.”

“I can’t even use a compass.”

“I meant one of the pointy compasses, not one of those north, south, east and west things.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Have you any idea why he should say you had?”

“Possibly.”

“Go on.”

“He killed someone himself.”

“Who?”

“Some girl he brought back to his flat years ago.”

“How?”

“He slit her throat from ear to ear from behind in the bathroom, with her head down the toilet bowl and flushed her blood down the loo.”

“Will I find details of this in the papers?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because he was never caught and he told me in confidence, as a wife cannot be compelled to testify against her husband.”

“And now you might be getting a divorce?”

“Now he’s panicking.  That’s why he killed my cat.”

“I’ll go and see him tomorrow, after my voice has come back down again.”

“I’m sorry about that.  Do you want another cuppa tea?”

No thanks, I’ve had two since I’ve been here.”

And we’ll tell you what happened next time.

Be there!

O.K.  goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last time, you’ll remember, Jason Pink was about to pay a visit to someone whose wife had hired him to find out who killed her Beaver.

Beaver being the name of her cat.

He pulled up outside an average-looking, quite boring house in such an ordinary street you could imagine the postman getting bored just at the thought of walking down it.

He rang the bell.

The door was answered.

“Avon calling.”

He pushed Jason Pink aside before he had chance to say “not the face” and ran for it down the street.

Jason Pink darted after him and caught up with him on some nearby wasteland.

He went to push him aside again, so Jason Pink kneed him in the groin and said “game, set and match.  New balls please” as he fell to the ground with pink eyes and even pinker genitals.

Jason Pink said who he was and why he was there.

“I didn’t kill her Beaver.”

“I didn’t say you did.”

“I didn’t have her Beaver killed either.”

“Why should you?”

“She’s more than likely done it herself.”

“Why should she do it herself?”

“Because she’s killed before.”

“When?”

“When she was in high school.”

“Who?”

“She killed her headmaster.”

“How?”

“She stabbed him through the eye with a compass.  Went straight through to his brain.”

“She told you this?”

“She told me she was give a new identity when they let her out, to protect her identity.”

Jason Pink went back and checked with Nigel.  They couldn’t find any details of any such murder, until eventually some local papers had details of the case.

The details were as he described.  Stabbed through the eye with a compass, straight through to the brain.  It was the left eye and she had noticeably been lefthanded in the office the day before.

There was a picture of the dead head, but there was not picture of the girl, so he couldn’t compare it with the woman he’d met in his office.

That evening Jason Pink discussed it all with Nigel.

“It could be the same woman.”

“Or anyone who just read that paper at any time since the murder occurred.”

“And what has this got to do with the death of her cat?”

“I think the best thing is I pay her a visit tomorrow.”

“What if she runs for it too?”

“I’ll knee her in the groin as well.”

“It might not have the same effect.”

“I’ll find something.”

And we’ll tell you what happened next time.

Be there!

O.K, folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Dear all Applers & Gingerites, two episodes for you this week because we’re off next week on a religious pilgrimage visiting the Pope, the Dali Lama and Donald Trump.  Back to normal on October 13th.  Be there!

(Don’t forget to scroll down first!)

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last week Jason Pink – The Pink Detective was about to hear why the woman who clutched his card so tightly to her ample bosom wanted to hire him.

She gazed down into her lap, looked around the office, sobbed, looked down into her lap again and said “my pussy’s dead.”

Without going for the obvious jokes Jason Pink said “what was your pussy’s name?”

“Beaver.”

“You want me to find out who killed your Beaver?”

“Yes.”

“When did you find out that your Beaver was dead?”

“I got up one morning, got out of bed, went to the bathroom, got dressed, put my makeup on, rang my mother, answered my e-mails, went to the bathroom again and then I noticed my Beaver sprawled on the kitchen floor.”

“How did your Beaver die?”

They did an autopsy at Big Joe’s Pet Cemetery.”

“What did Big Joe say?”

“He said my Beaver died of dehydration.”

“Your Beaver was interfered with.”

“Yes.”

“You think your Beaver was murdered?”

“Poisoned.”

“Do you know anyone who would want your Beaver dead?”

“Only my ex-husband.”

“You want me to pay your ex-husband a visit?”

“There is another possibility.”

“Which is?”

“A professional hitman.”

“Or a kitman.”

“Will you take the case?”

“Yes.”

Jason Pink had never had a murder case before.

Even if it was a cat.

He told her “I promise you I’ll treat this case as if it was the only case I had at the moment.”

Which shouldn’t be too difficult because it was the only case he had at the moment.

He asked her for the contact details of her ex-husband.

Thankfully he still lived locally.  He was concerned for a moment he might have moved to Alaska, where you can see Russia from your house.

She confessed that they weren’t actually divorced, but didn’t think they’d get back together again.

And so Jason Pink said he would go and see him tomorrow, that she was not to worry about her Beaver and that he would delve into the death of her Beaver and get to the bottom of it.

That evening Jason Pink was discussing the case with Nigel.

“Strange business, poisoning a cat because you might be getting a divorce.”

“If it was poison.”

“You don’t think the cat committed suicide?”

“Depends if the cat might have been depressed about something.”

“Like what?”

“Like her cooking.”

“I’ll find out tomorrow, perhaps, when I pay her husband, or ex-husband a visit.”

And we’ll tell you what happened next time.

Be there!

O.K.  goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW  

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last time we were telling you how Jason Pink sometimes gets his clients.

Before he became a private detective, Jason Pink was an Actor.

He was having a particularly bad time with his shyster of an agent and hired a private detective to sort him out.

He says “Remington Steele was his name and I was so impressed with Remington, I bought the company.  Now I am the company.”

Now, as we told you last week a woman was given his card at the Brighton Blood Club the night before and she was still clutching it close to her ample bosom when she looked up at the sign outside the greengrocer’s that read ‘The Pink Detective Agency – The World’s First Openly Gay Private Detective!

She went up the stairs to the side of the greengrocer’s, noticing that bananas were 3 for the price of 2 this week.

The door was open and she found herself in an anteroom.

There was a door at the other end of the anteroom with a handwritten sign pinned to it saying ‘start here’ and an arrow pointing at the door handle.

Inside was Jason Pink pretending to finish ‘The Times’ crossword puzzle in twenty minutes.

He said “rather easy this morning” not altogether truthfully.

“Are you really the world’s first openly gay private detective?”

“I don’t know for sure.  Probably not.  I had to come up with something to get the crowds in.”

“Do you get crowds in?”

“All the time.”

“And today?”

“It’s early yet.”

“Can I sit down?”

“Of course.”

“I thought you could help me because I find all the macho detectives are hopeless.  They look down my cleavage, up my dress and make passes at me.”

“I know, they do the same to me.”

“Really?”

“Oh yes.  They’re almost all gay.  Repressed.  I’m open.  That’s why I get the results and they just get frustrated.”

“Are we still talking about cases?”

“Of course.  I mean most fictional detectives are gay too, you know.”

“Such as?”

“Holmes and Watson.”

“Oh yes, they’re very gay, aren’t they.  Anyone can see that a mile off.  Who else?”

“Practically all of them.  Miss Marple was a lesbian, Hercules Poirot was gay, Sexton Blake was bisexual on his mother’s side.  Dick Barton, clue in the name.  Ellery Queen, clue in the name there too.”

“You’re having me on.”

“I’m not.  Even Charlie Chan was gay.”

“What about his Number One Son?”

“All a cover.  Really his Number One Love.”

Well, you’ve convinced me.”

“Good.  Another case solved.  Thank you for coming.”

“Wait a minute, I haven’t told you why I’m here yet.”

And we’ll tell you what she said next at the same time next week.

Be there!

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last week we were introducing you to Jason Pink – The Pink Detective.

This week we begin the recent case he told us about when he visited our lovely little village of Upton Went.

It all started at the weekly film show of the Brighton Bloodstain Club.

They show vintage whodunnits to members.

Jason Pink is also a member, just for fun.

They were showing a particularly hackneyed and cliché ridden film from 1947 called ‘The Corpse With a Hole in His Sock.’

The amateur sleuth, Beauregarde Troubledbody, was in the middle of a particularly long, drawn out, overcomplicated and frankly pretentious explanation of who was having an affair with who and who was lying about what to whom.

What wasn’t explained was how come the corpse had a hole in his sock and why it mattered enough to be the title of the film.

Then something wonderful happened.

The film broke.

Suddenly there was uproar.

Would they ever know if they had picked the right suspect?

Suddenly Jason Pink stands up, very smartly dressed in a tuxedo and explains who the murderer was, who was telling the truth, who was lying to save face and most important of all, why the corpse had a hole in his sock.

Why did the corpse have a hole in his sock?

Because his wife was too busy to darn his socks because she was having an affair with Colonel Smugbasket, that’s why Colonel Smugbasket’s wife was sleeping with Lady Isobel Smallfaucet and Lord Smallfaucet mistakenly thought the man with the hole in his sock was seeing Lady Smallfaucet behind his back and had him stabbed to death by his leading footman, Splurge.

Simple.

This explanation produced an instantaneous rapturous round of applause from all the other members.

Jason Pink then went round the members while they were still standing and applauding and introduced himself as Jason Pink – The Pink Detective and gave them all his card.

Which was pink and he said “the name’s Pink, Jason Pink.  Pink by name.  Pink by nature.  My card.”

All very grand.

All very impressive.

All very fake.

He confidently walked to the back of the cinema, having astounded everyone present, stopping to say quietly to the projectionist “thank you, Nigel, see you later.”

A handy little ruse.  Works every time.  Nigel watches the last reel.  He tells Jason Pink whodunnit.  Nigel then makes a break threequarters of the way through the film, so it breaks just before the murderer is revealed.  Jason Pink stands up and astounds everyone present and hands out his cards while they’re still all amazed.

He gets lots of business that way.

Including a woman he gave his card to that very night.

She held the card close to her ample bosom and cogitated all night on whether to go and see Jason Pink the following morning.

She did, of course, otherwise we wouldn’t have much of a plot, would we?

And we’ll tell you what she said next time.

Be there!

O.K., goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week is our 2nd anniversary.

For our 1st anniversary we were married.

For our 2nd anniversary we’re going to introduce you to The Pink Detective.

This week we’ll tell you all about him and then next week we’ll begin serialising a mystery he told us on a recent visit to our lovely little village of Upton Went.

All as an anniversary treat.

The Pink Detective has an office above a greengrocer’s in Brighton.

He has a very self-deprecating sense of humour and he says his office is “above all the other fruits.”

The sign outside reads ‘The Pink Detective Agency – The World’s First Openly Gay Private Detective.”

He says “I don’t know for sure if I’m the first openly gay dick, but most fictional ones are anyway.”

He often quotes from fictional detectives, such as “my little pink cells.”

Or when he’s at home with his husband, Nigel, “elementary, my dear Nigel.”

And when exasperated at Nigel for being quicker at solving a clue than he is “he who must be obeyed.”

When getting into a fight he often shouts “not the face!”

He always dresses smartly.

He drives a pink MG sports car.

He talks cases over in bed with Nigel, like Holmes and Watson, but usually more like Terry and June.

He goes by the name of Jason Pink, which he always insists is his own name.

He often finds clients come to him because they are fed up with macho detectives and hope he’ll be more sensitive.

Which he invariably is.

He often aims to defuse tight situations with camp humour or sarcasm.

But if all else fails he always fights dirty, going by Nixon’s motto “if you’ve got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.”

Whereas some say “it’s often the quiet ones” he prefers to say “it’s often the straight ones.”

Or “if that’s what the straights find entertaining, give me bent any day.”

And that tells you a little about Jason Pink – The Pink Detective.

His latest case began when a woman walked into his office and asked him to investigate a murder for her.

What happens then we’ll tell you beginning next week, so make sure you join us every Tuesday on ‘Apple & Ginger’s Roadshow.’

Before we say goodnight to all the nice people around the world we’d just like to thank all our followers who have joined us and stayed loyal to us over the last 2 years.

It’s been a privilege to get to know you.

And it’s wonderful to read your kind thoughts.

We value your friendship very much.

And if ever you’re passing our lovely little village of Upton Went, Miserable Les wants you to know you’re very welcome at the Silly Cow.

And Katarina wants you to know you’re more than welcome at Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant.

And the Four Skins want you to know you’re more than welcome to watch them recording their latest album.

So, we’ll see you here next week for the first instalment of The Pink Detective.

Be there!

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.