APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And last Saturday we were in the ‘Silly Cow.’

And the television was on.

And on came ‘Dr.Who’ starring Donald Trump as the Doctor.

And he was wearing a long scarf in Republican red.

And he said this:-

“I’m gonna make the universe great again.”

“Which is great.”

“I’ve saved the universe from the Daleks, which is great.”

“I’ve got lots of really great companions.”

“They’re all really, really great, which is great.”

“And I’m great because I’m the Doctor.”

“I said to the Daleks ‘Don’t you go sending anymore rockets off from Skaro because, if you do, anything could happen.’ ”

“And the Daleks stopped sending up rockets, which is great.”

“And I said to the head Dalek ‘If you wanna talk, we can talk.’ ”

And the Daleks said ‘Yeah, let’s talk,’ which is great for Americans and great for the whole world, right?”

“And I met with the head Dalek.”

“And the head Dalek, he’s a really great guy.  Really, really great guy.”

“And this head Dalek, he’s got a limited vocabulary, like Hillary Clinton.  I mean, they both say ‘Exterminate’ a lot, right?”

“And I said to this head Dalek, who’s a really, really great guy by the way, if you’re tuning in, I love you lots, ‘Look, I beat Hillary Clinton, who’s really a plastic-faced Auton and I beat the fake news of the Cybermen and I beat all those Sontarons in the White House press corps, so, who loves ya, baby, I can beat you too, right?’ ”

“And this head Dalek, you know, he’s waving his arms around and he’s getting all defensive and he’s saying ‘Ooh, please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, I didn’t mean all the things I said about you during the campaign.’ ”

“And I told this head Dalek if he stopped launching rockets at the Thals, we could get rid of our sanctions.”

“And he was going “Ooh, please don’t kill me, I didn’t mean the Thals any harm.’ ”

“So he stopped launching all those rockets at the Thals on Skaro and he turned out to be a really great guy, which is great.”

“So I saved the universe from the Daleks, which is great because I’m the Doctor and I’m gonna make the universe great again, which is great, right?”

“I mean,when you look at Hillary Clinton and all the rest of those Auton losers, I’ve beaten the Autons and I can beat them again, I’ve created more jobs than the Autons and I’vegot rid of Autoncare.”

“And I’m gonna keep all these aliens away because I’m gonna build a wall.”

“And the wall’s gonna keep the aliens out.”

“And do you know who’s gonna pay for the wall?”

“That’s right, Mexico!  Run by those Mexican Ice Warriors.”

“And we don’t want those Mexican Ice Warriors in America, right?”

“And we don’t want that Mexican Ice in America, right?  We’re gonna keep it out, trust me.”

“Because I’m the Doctor, which is great and I’m gonna make America great again, which is great.”

Then, I think, we woke up.

Although I dunno, though!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Grace.

See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’d like to introduce to you this week Brian Maggot, an investigative reporter on the ‘Daily Upton,’ who has his own daily column, ‘The Maggot Patch.’

Don’t let the name deceive you.  Brian Maggot is a good man, otherwise he wouldn’t live in our lovely little village of Upton Went!

But he knows where to dig to uncover the can of worms at the bottom of the simile.

He’s miles better than Michael Prick on  ‘Channel 4 News’ and Esther Ratsnose on ‘That’s Life.’

He makes McGee on ‘The Incredible Hulk’ look like Julie Andrews, before she invented the toilet paper.

“Mr. McGee, don’t make me angry!  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!

This is what Brian Maggot had to say about ‘Dr. Who’ one day last week.  It makes very interesting reading indeed.

“In ‘The Maggot Patch’ today we look at ‘Dr. Who,’ or should that be ‘Nurse Who,’ or ‘Miss Who,’ or bloody great ‘Mistake?’

“Peter Capaldi will be emasculated on Christmas Day, as the Doctor turns from a Time Lord into a castrated Time Eunuch, like a randy tomcat!”

“Does this mean that ‘Dr. Who’ will no longer have any balls?  I’m afraid it does, yes!”

“What next?  A male Romana, perhaps, or K9 brought back as a cat.”

“The Daleks will laugh their suction cups off, like the Smash Martians, because there aren’t any female Daleks, or Cybermen, or Sontarans, or Autons, or Ood.”

“Let me use my very own TARDIS and take you back to March 1999.  A spoof ‘Dr. Who’ story is made for ‘Comic Relief.’  In it the 9th Doctor, played by Rowan Atkinson, regenerates into a younger 10th Doctor, played by Richard E. Grant, then an older 11th Doctor, played by Jim Broadbent, then a younger 12th Doctor, played by Hugh Grant and finally into a female 13th Doctor, played by Joanna Lumley, who says to her female companion ‘I’ve got Dalek bumps on my chest and she explains they’re breasts!”

“Who was the author of this singularly unfunny spoof?  None other than Steven Moffat, who has been in charge of ‘Dr. Who’ since 2010!”

“In 2003, when it was announced that ‘Dr. Who’ was coming back with Russell T. Davies in charge, it was very briefly suggested that Judi Dench play a female Doctor, which Russell T. Davies, quite rightly, replied to, saying ‘I’m not doing an ironic version of it.  If it’s not going to be done properly, I’d rather it wasn’t done at all.  Either I do it properly, or I don’t do it at all.”

“And, when it returned on screens in 2005, he did do it properly.  The Doctor was done properly and the TARDIS and the Daleks and the Time Lords and the companions.”

“But I suggest to you, dear reader, that ‘Dr. Who’ finished when Russell T. Davies left in 2009 and what has taken it’s place since is a spoof version, with Moffat playing out the plot of ‘The Curse of the Fatal Death’ from ‘Comic Relief’ in 1999.”

“The joke has been at the fan’s expense and it just became very unfunny.  the last 7 years many couldn’t fathom ‘Dr. Who’ and it only makes sense  if seen as a 7-year piss-take, which has now become a bloody great mistake.”

“Let’s look at the evidence.  In 2010 the Daleks were redesigned in multicolours and with bustles around the back.  In 2011 the Doctor got married and his wife turned out to be the grown-up child of his companion and also the TARDIS became a person.  In 2012 the new companion was introduced as really a Dalek, with mocking dialogue, like making ‘exterminate’ into a recipé for a soufflé, eggs, stirr, minate’ amongst other things.  When properly introduced in 2013 she mockingly referred to the TARDIS on first glance as ‘is this your snog-box?’  In 2014 the Master had become emasculated and the Brigadier became a Cyberman.  In 2015 the Doctor shot a male Time Lord, who regenerated into a woman and said back at last!  In 2017 the gay companion became a Cyberman and then flew off to spend eternity with a puddle.”

“If the above was ‘Red Dwarf’ you’d laugh.  As ‘Dr. Who’ you cringe.  In conclusion, fans are being conned and laughed at.  ‘Dr. Who’ died over Christmas 2009 and has been a spoof comedy version ever since, with only situation-comedy plots, logic and dialogue!  Please don’t allow yourself to be conned any longer!  This is Brian Maggot signing off from ‘The Maggot Patch.’

Excellent stuff and food for thought!  See you anon.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.