APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were chatting to John & Dave in the ‘Silly Cow.’

John and Dave are from Sarf London and have done 18 months in the Scrubs, a fist on the Moor and a score in Parkhurst.

Between the both of them they’ve spent 60 years inside, so they were on holiday celebrating their Diamond Geezers Jubilee.

What was their big job that got them a score as category As at Parkhurst?

They blackmailed an MP, who had been filmed with the Shady Lady from Argentina 6 months after the Falklands War, into getting into Downing Street and blagging Maggie Thatcher’s bottom drawer and selling her underwear to Knicker Nickers across London in 1982.

At first the Sweeney had nothing to go on and until Marks & Spencers’ opened neither did Maggie Thatcher!

John and Dave were in Parkhurst the same time as Bruce Reynolds, Buster Edwards and all the other so-called ‘Great Train Robbers.’

John and Dave said they thought it was a diabolical liberty to call them the ‘Great Train Robbers’ because they never stole a train in their lives, only 2,000,000 quid!

Now, John and Dave were saying that a “contemptuous person” was a “slag” and a bank job was a “blag.”

So we wondered if a bank robber who was also a contemptuous person was a “slag blagger?”

“We hadn’t thought of that.”

And they said a wife who give you a lot of verbal is a “nag.”

So we wondered if a contemptuous person had an old lady that gave him a lot of verbal she would be a “slag nagger” and it would be his own fault?

“We hadn’t thought of that.”

Then John and Dave were chatting about the “unwritten law.”

“What’s the unwritten law?”

“It’s unwritten, so we don’t know what is says exactly, but it is the law.”

“Who told you about the unwritten law?”

“Our dad.”

“When was this?”

“When he used to take us to the pictures to see instructional films like ‘The Blue Lamp’ and ‘Brighton Rock.’ ”

“So what did you understand the unwritten law to be?”

“Well, whatever William Hartnell told Dickie Attenborough not to do in ‘Brighton Rock,’ that was the unwritten law, whereas  Dirk Bogarde was a slag in the ‘Blue Lamp.’ but he killed ‘Dixon of Dock Green,’  so he got some respect for doing a filth.”

“And how would you know if you broke the unwritten law?”

“Two or three ex-boxers would come and beat you up.”

“And what did you do then?”

“Nothing.”

“Didn’t you take any reprisals?”

“No, ’cause we’d broken the unwritten law, so we had to take our punishment like men.”

“So you knew where you’d gone wrong and knew not to do it again.”

“No, they never said what we’d done wrong, only that we’d transgressed the unwritten law.”

“But what if you were grassed up by some slag whose old lady is giving him verbal about it’s either you two or him or she tells the filth and he goes inside out of her way and he’s so much of a slag he grasses on you and you get beaten up every time, instead of him?”

They looked at each other.

“We never thought of that!”

And with that it’s time for us to go now.

Don’t forget, keep your nose clean.  Evening all.

O.K, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Isn’t the Marvel Cinematic Universe great?

It’s ten years since the films became linked, with ‘The Incredible Hulk’ in 2008 having a scene after the end titles leading into ‘Ironman.’

By the way, do you know what was the first film to have a scene after the end titles?

It’s ‘Young Sherlock Holmes’ from 1985.

If you don’t know it, watch it for yourself.  I guarantee you won’t be disappointed by the twist in the tail after the end titles.

But, young or old, male or female, black or white, confident or shy, there’s always a Marvel superhero for you.

We all fee like Captain America or Ironman sometimes, deep down.

The latest in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is ‘Antman & the Wasp.’

Have you heard the latest buzz about it?

I’d love to be a fly on the wall there.

Yes, a quiet, small voice from somewhere saying “Please…help…me!”

But what the Marvel Cinematic Universe never does is change a character’s gender because they never need to.  They create new superheroes and team ’em up.

So, why the fandango has ‘Doctor Who’ done just that?

Young boys have lost a non-violent role model.

Why not have a female Time Lord obsessed with what the Doctor did?

So obsessed she stole a TARDIS from Gallifrey, just like he did and even uses his name as a homage to him.

That way ‘Dr. Who’ can alternate them and team them up every so often.

Twice the fun, with two lead characters, instead of one.  Will they, won’t they?  They might even kiss!

But they didn’t because they didn’t have the imagination to create a new female character for women.

But ‘Dr. Who’ is not, alas, alone in changing sex.

What about ‘Winnona Earp?’

What next?

Will Robin Hood and His Merry Men become Roberta Hood and Her Merry Hockey Moms?

Will James Bond become Jane Bond?

Will ‘Dick Barton – Special Agent’ become Dyke Barton – Special Agent?

Will King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table become Bea Arthur and the Nights of the Golden Girls of the Kitchen Table?

Will ‘Charlie’s Angels’ become Charlene’s Angels?

Will ‘Transformers’ become Trans-formers?

And will ‘Downton Abbey’ return as Downton Abbess?

There are plenty of roles for women.  All women need is the imagination to create them.  Go to it.

Women don’t need male television executives changing gender, in a patronising, politically correct nod, like ‘Dr. Who’ has done.

Women should expect more that secondhand, cast-off male role models, re-cast as a woman.Women need new role models of their own.

That’s why the new ‘Wonder Woman’ film did so well last year.

And with that, it’s time for us to go now, alas.

Have a great week.

We’ll see you again next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.