APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

D’you know where I can buy a rhinoceros?

Yes and I can get you one that juggles.

Can you get me one that juggles balls?

Yes and I can get you straight ones too.

Can you get me a curved one if I want?

Yes and I can get you one who speaks five languages.

Can you get me one that speaks English?

Oui and I can get monseiur one that lives in Beverly Hills.

Can you get me one that can recommend a good plastic surgeon?

Yes and I can get you one that IS a good plastic surgeon and specialises in rhinoplasty.

Can he get me celebrity autographs?

Yes and only yesterday he got a signed photo of Rhino Neal.

Can he do the dishes?

Yes and he can clean the pieces up afterwards.

Is he single?

Yes and I can produce written documentation attesting to the fact that there is only one of him.

Has he got a good sense of humour?

Yes and I can show you his best-selling stand-up comedy routine?

Can he do impressions?

Yes and I can show you footage of him doing The Elephant Man, The Pink Panther and Lawrence Welk.

Has he got a good singing voice?

Yes and I can show you a copy of his latest album, ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Rhino.’

Does he go to the theatre much?

Yes and only last week he was telling me how much he enjoyed ‘The Book of Mormon’ and that he feels rhinos are under represented in the Mormon church.

Does he have any religious beliefs?

Yes and I was only chatting to him the other day on that very topic and he said he doesn’t follow any particular religion, but feels that spiritual beliefs are very important and he’s sympathetic towards the Jewish faith because Noah saved his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great…great grandparents from the great flood.

Can you tell me his politics?

Yes and he’s a Republican because he’s known more elephants than jackasses and because Donald Trump reminds him of a favourite aunt he left in Africa.

Is he a legal American citizen?

Yes and he puts the stars and stripes up every morning and puts it down every evening, he can recite the pledge of allegiance in English and Spanish, like most in Beverly Hills and votes every November without fail.

Does he want to be in the movies, being that he lives in Beverly Hills?

Yes and he feels if Eddie Murphy can get away with three ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ films, he could get away with at least one ‘Beverly Hills Rhino.’

Can you arrange a meeting?

Yes and I can guarantee you’ll find Hamish very good company.

Hamish!  Oh, I could never live with another Scottish rhinoceros.  The last one kept playing the bagpipes every Thanksgiving.

In that case I bid you farewell and thank you for your forbearance.

Say goodnight to all the nice people and nice rhinos around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And showing now in the Greatest Show Not on Earth, only in our lovely little village of Upton Went, the best action series on television in the ’70s that was never made, but should’ve been.

“The Green-backs.”

A team of 4 mercenaries, who will do any job, but strictly for cash, so there is no paper-trail to follow, hence their name, the Green-backs, slang for dollars in cash.

In between taking on jobs for governments and western security agents the Green-backs also undertake private jobs, to help those governments who have failed or justice have failed.

Perhaps the Green-backs are modern-day Robin Hoods, robbing the hoods to give their victims the justice they deserve.

Perhaps the Green-backs are year-round Santas bringing the gift of justice, but only if you’ve been good.

Their true identities are a closely guarded secret.

Their first names are taken from the Rat Pack.

Namely, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. and Joey Bishop.

While their surnames have vaguely religious overtones, as they have often been called into missionary trouble spots that have included Nigeria, Biafra, Gabon and Cambodia.

Namely, Bishop, Cardinal, Saint and Angel.

So, let’s meet the Green-backs!

Rank – Colonel.

Codename – Avenger.

Name – Frank Angel.

Background – Former United States Special Forces Green Beret.

Rank – Lieutenant Colonel.

Codename – Protector.

Name – Dean Saint.

Background – Former British and United States Special Forces Counterintelligence Officer.

Rank – Lieutenant.

Codename – Adventurer.

Name – Sam Cardinal.

Background – Former United States Marine Corp and Foreign Legionnaire.

Rank – Captain.

Codename – Persuader.

Name – Joe Bishop.

Background – Former United States Air force and Mossad Agent.

Now you’ve met the Green-backs themselves, meet the stars of “The Green-backs!”

Rock Hudson stars as Colonel Frank Angel.

Robert Vaughn stars as Lieutenant Colonel Dean Saint.

Dennis Weaver stars as Lieutenant Sam Cardinal.

And Tony Curtis stars as Captain Joe Bishop.

Colonel Frank “Avenging” Angel is the commanding officer and signs off on all missions.

Lieutenant Colonel Dean Saint is the logistics expert in charge of procuring equipment and counterintelligence.

Lieutenant Sam Cardinal is an expert in mechanics and languages and is just a charming, convincing liar, with a heart of gold and ice running through it.

Captain Joe Bishop is a combat pilot, late of the United States Air Force and the Israeli Air Force and can fly anything in and out of any trouble spot and is also well-trained in counterintelligence, late of Mossad.

Together, they are “The Green-backs.”

End of trailer.

Next week, we’ll be telling you what happens in the TV Movie pilot from 1977.

Be there!

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday for the TV Movie pilot of “The Green-backs!”

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And this week let us tell you the story of The Phantom of Jazz & Swing.

The year was 1938.  Benny Goodman had just played Carnegie Hall and he was the king of swing, together with Glenn Miller, Artie Shaw and Harry James.

It was the year George Gershwin would’ve turned 39 for the first time and Jack Benny turned 39 for the sixth time.

But there used to be another name up there with them, Gene Sax, now long since airbrushed out of musical history, just like a phantom.

Benny Goodman and Artie Shaw had their clarinets, Jack Benny had his violin, George Gershwin had his piano, Glenn Miller had his trombone, Harry James had his trumpet and Gene Sax had his saxophone.

He was so popular with the jitterbuggers that the record company produced rubber masks of Gene Sax’s face for fans to wear.  They figured if all teenagers want to look alike, they’d better look like Gene Sax and besides, it sold more records.

All this came to an end one fateful night in 1938.

While practising at his home in Sacramento, California, fire broke out.

Gene Sax survived, but his hands and face were severely burned.

He thought he could continue recording solely in the studio, or at least write hits for other artists, but he couldn’t play his saxophone anymore, due to the burns.

Django Reinhardt managed it with his guitar after fire broke out in his gypsy caravan, but a saxophone was a different matter and his hands were too badly damaged, although he was encouraged that they would heal and become stronger with time.

Time is what he didn’t have.  He had a manager, an agent and all sorts of other people to pay and he fell into a deep depression.

On New Year’s Eve 1938 Gene Sax boarded a cruise ship for Paris.  He was not seen when the ship docked in Paris and after no body turned up it was presumed he had jumped overboard.

And so began the legend of Gene Sax and the Phantom of Jazz & Swing ghost stories.

His house was never rebuilt and remained as it stood after the fire, a forgotten shell.

However, people started saying they could hear the faint sound of Gene Sax playing his saxophone as they walked past at night.

The year is now 1968 and for 30 years these stories have persisted.  The house still stands.  No-one will buy the land because they believe it’s haunted.

At a nearby malt shop a group of teenagers decide to get to the bottom of the mystery of the Phantom of Jazz & Swing.

They decide to spend the night in the house.  As midnight falls they arrive.  The house looks like the Munsters’ place at 1313 Mockingbird Road.  They go in and light the candles on a candelabra for light and heat.

At first nothing happens and they doze off.  Then they are woken by the echoey sound of a saxophone being played.

It seems to come from every direction.  They panic and run outside, knocking over the candelabra as they go, starting a fire.

As they stand helplessly watching the house burn for a second time, they see a figure on the roof.

It was Gene Sax, after 30 years, playing his saxophone and wearing one of those rubber masks over his burnt face.

He played triumphantly as the house finally collapsed, with him in it.  He had been living for 30 years in the shadows and learning to play his beloved saxophone again in the cellar and attic, untouched by the fire in 1938.

And this is the tragic story of Gene Sax, the Phantom of Jazz & Swing.  Now it can be told.

As for the group of teenagers, they starred in a cartoon series about a group of teenagers solving haunted house mysteries with a talking Great Dane and a drug addict called Shaggy, beginning the following year.

Time for us to go now.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hello folks!   Double bill this week because we're away next week at the
'Mr Ed' reunion convention in the grounds of Upton Heights.  It's not easy 
getting an autograph from a horse!

Back to normal on March 29th.  Be there!


MARCH 22ND 2016

Hi, I'm Apple...

...and I'm Ginger.

And here we are again in the middle of another Presidential election campaign.

We enjoy elections don't we?

We do.

It's like the Oscars, but the speeches are shorter, the acting is better and at
the end of it everyone gets a vote, not just the academy.

And what we like is how George Washington, with his wooden teeth, invented the
whole shebang in the first place.

Yes, anyone can become President.

If you've acted alongside a chimpanzee, no problem, you can still become
President.

If you're a peanut farmer with a smile that could cause snow blindness, no 
problem, you can still become President.

If you've got the same name as a character from 'Sesame Street,' no problem,
you can still become President.

Big Bird was President?

No, not Big Bird.

Oscar the Grouch?

No, not Oscar the Grouch.

Who then?

Grover.

Grover who?

Grover Cleveland.

Grover Cleveland is in 'Sesame Street?'

Let's move on.

Yes, the best Presidential Debates we saw were in 1992, weren't they?

Yes, Bush looking at his watch all the time.

Clinton answering like an eager beaver.

And Ross Perot got up and said "don't listen to either of these 2 fellas,
they're both lying to ya."

But the point is any American citizen can become President.

That's why Bob Hope left England, there was no chance of him becoming Queen.

Isn't it amazing?  Any American citizen can become President.

As long as they have enough money to keep the campaign going for over a year.

Of course, but apart from that any American citizen can become President.

And as long as they please the gun lobby.

Well, of course.  Hunting is an essential way of life in some states.

With a machine gun?

Some of those deer can run very fast!

And as long as they please the race lobby.

Well, of course.  Minorities must be protected.

And as long as they please the gay lobby.

Do you think voters would accept a gay President?

I'm sure they would, but I bet pollsters would try and put them off.  You
know the sort of thing, "It's not that I mind that you've swung the other way, 
it's just that the electoral college are worried that voters will swing the 
other way."

So anyway, as we were saying, any American citizen can become President.

In theory.

Time for us to go now and have dinner with the President.

Not the one on Pennsylvania Avenue, Wally Arsol, President of the Upton Went Art
Gallery.

We'll see you again next time.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.







MARCH 15TH 2016

Hi, I'm Apple...

...and I'm Ginger.

And you may have noticed earlier this year that, after 50, the Super Bowl didn't
use Roman numerals.

It was Super Bowl XLIV last year.

That's 49 in old money.

But no-one wanted to call it Super Bower L this year.

So, it was Super Bowl 50 instead.

Super Bowl L might sound like where people are sent when they die if they can't
stand Super Bowls.

Of course, Roman numerals are often used in films.  We've just had 'Star Wars -
Episode VII - The Force Wakes Up.'

Next year will see 'Star Wars - Episode VIII - The Force Falls Asleep.'

And 2019 will see 'Star Wars - Episode IX - the Force Wakes Up Again & Does
Something Exciting Before Going Home & Putting It's Feet Up.'

However, Roman numerals aren't always a good idea.

If we adhered to Roman numerals Glenn Miller would have composed 'Pennsylvania
VI MMMMM.

Jack Lord would have starred for XII years in 'Hawaii L-O.'

Stanley Kubrick would have directed 'MMI - A Space Odyssey.'

Yul Brynner would have starred in 'The Magnificent VII.'

There would be many shorts made by 'The III Stooges.'

Jules Verne would have written 'Around the World in LXXX Days.'

Jack Nicholson would have won an Oscar for 'I Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.'

Walter Matthau would have starred in 'The Taking of Pelham I II III.'

Jack Lemmon would have starred in 'Airport LXXVII.'

There would be a rifle known as the Winchester LXXIII.

There would be a cartoon called 'CI Dalmations.'

And another called 'Snow White and the VII Dwarfs.'

Dudley Moore would have become a sex thimble because of Blake Edwards' 'X.'

There would be a history book called 'X LXVI & All That.'

Ray Harryhausen would have made 'XX Million Miles to Earth.'

There would be war films such as 'Angels I V.'

And another called 'I of Our Aircraft is Missing.'

There would have been an historical epic called 'The CCC Spartans.'

There would be horror films like 'The Legend of the VII Golden Vampires.'

And another called 'MM Maniacs.'

We'd all be drinking Britvic LV.

Or VAT LXIX.

There would be 'Blake's VII.'

Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett would be know as 'The II Ronnies.'

And today would be the XVth day of the IIIrd month of XX XVI.

We'd be saying 'I love you' and 'I love you II.'

And 'you're the I for me.'

And that is the end of the news in Roman numerals.

Now for the weather especially for those with dyslexia.

Tomorrow it's going to iran.

All are welcome in our lovely little village of Upton Went, where everyone is
an individual and where all are loved, if they're nice.

Anyway, it's time for us to go now, but we'll see you again next week.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.






 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

 

Hi, I'm Apple...
...and I'm Ginger

And Last time we were telling you what Jason Pink told us about his latest case 
in Beverly Hills.

His client was a friend of the deceased, who allegedly hanged himself, but he
has a problem with this case and so do Jason Pink and Nigel.

"I have a problem with this case."

"Me too."

"Let's see what the maid said in the coroner's report.  Read on."

The maid arrived at 11am.  She had been their maid for 20 years and so they all
knew and trusted each other.

She said she was concerned immediately she arrived at 11am because everything was
so quiet.

She said his bedroom was silent and that worried her.

She slipped a note under the door, saying "Are you O.K?" with the date and time 
11am.

There was no response.

"Why did she put a note under the door?"

"Agreed."

"If I was worried about you, or anyone else for that matter, I'd knock on the door."

"Agreed."

"The note conveniently places her outside the bedroom door, allegedly alone, at 
11am."

"Agreed."

"What really worries me is this.  The maid comes to work as normal, after 20years, 
at 11am."

"Right."

"She's worried immediately at 11am."

"Right."

"She puts a note under the bedroom door, placing her there, allegedly alone, at 
11am."

"Right."

"Then she does nothing about it for 42 minutes.  Absolutely nothing."

"Exactly."

"If I was worried there might be a dead body upstairs, I couldn't wait 42 minutes,
dusting or hoovering, I'd call 9ll."

"Right."

"Even after 42 minutes, she still just texts the wife.  No call for an ambulance.
No nothing."
"Read on."

The report said that, after texting the wife at 11.42am exactly, she "picked the
lock with a paperclip and barged in to find him unresponsive."

"Why pick the lock?  She's worked there for 20 years.  Doesn't she have a pass key?"

"And it's Beverly Hills.  I expect that's a good lock.  They're very big on personal
security in Beverly Hills.  If you could pick a lock with a paperclip just like that
I'd be furious."

"It does seem suspicious."

"But if the maid had anything to do with the hanging, she'd need a second person."

"Same as with the wife, we have the 2 of them placed together in the house after
11.42am."

"Right."

"So why did she wait 42 minutes before texting the wife?"

"Suppose she was waiting for the wife to return and then made the text to alibi the
wife."

"Exactly."

"Then, is it murder?"

"There's more to this case than murder.  I know what happened now."

And Jason Pink called his client.  "Meet me in my hotel room tomorrow at noon.  I 
know what happened to your friend.  No, wait.  Make it 11.42am exactly."

And we'll tell you whodunit and why next week, in the conclusion of The Pink
Detective Strikes Again.

Same Pink time.

Same Pink channel.

Be there.

O.K. Goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And here were are, poised on the verge of a brave new world, a new frontier, a bright new start.

Who are you trying to kid?

Myself chiefly.

I beg your ever-so pudding!

Well, this general election is the biggest carve up since Jack the Ripper went campaigning as an independent candidate for the Less Prostitutes of the Streets of Whitechapel Party.

I agree.  It’s the biggest load of codswallop since the Cod Wars.

The biggest cock-up since Tom Jones had an erection, of a garden shed in his back garden.

The biggest non-event since Bruce Forsythe claimed to have a new joke.

Since Jeremy Clarkson joined the Samaritans.

Since Vanessa Feltz joined the Andrew Murray Fan Club.

And there are only two days to go.

So, let’s look at the clues as we go ‘Through to Cakehole.’

Labour or the Conservatives may not have an overall majority of 326 seats.

The third largest party could be the Scottish National Party, but they are not a national party, have no seats outside Scotland and are committed to Scottish independence.

Any coalition or agreement between Labour or the Conservatives and the Scottish will be unacceptable, as it would discriminate against Wales and Northern Ireland, unless they were included as well.

The problem is not just the result of the election, but the inability to form a coalition afterwards.

If no-one can form a coalition or agreement for a stable government by Monday, the London Stock Exchange will go kablooey.

The Queen can’t help.  She’s got to stay impartial and she’s got the 70th Anniversary of VE Day from Friday.

If the conservatives can’t get an overall majority the David Camerason will probably have to resign on Friday so a replacement Conservative leader can form a coalition, like Theresa Mayday, George Wasborn or Boris Winston Spencer Churchill.

If Labour can’t get an overall majority the same applies.

In other words Ed Rubberband will probably have to resign on Friday as well.

And he won’t be bouncing back again either.

Nick Clogdancer has already said he’ll resign if he’s not involved in any coalition.

Translation, he’s so used to being a cabinet minister he won’t lower himself to going back to the backbenches and he’ll go off and sulk somewhere until someone nominates him for the House of Lords, the retirement home for all failed party leaders.

Nick Clogdancer may not even win his own seat in Sheffield anyway and if the Liberals lose seats he’ll probably have to resign on Friday as well.

There could be a long queue outside the Jobcentre in Westminster on Monday morning.

The Greens may double their seats, to two!

Whatever happens on Thursday one thing is for certain, the political landscape will look a lot different from Monday.

It is not a good thing for a democracy to be in this state, with not much confidence in any of the major parties and all the minor parties being divisive.

All voters want is someone they can believe in.

No-one wants a Conservative landslide, like we had from 1979 to 1997.

And no-one wants a Labour landslide, like we had from 1997 to 2010.

It’s because of all that the idea of a coalition with the Liberals seemed the answer in 2010.

It wasn’t.  Now voters have run out of alternatives and the major parties seem to have run out of ideas.

They even seem to think they own a time machine.  Labour say the Conservatives will take us back to the ’80s and the Conservatives say Labour will take us back to the ’70s.

Time travel doesn’t seem such a bad idea at the moment.  Forwards or back? I’m not sure.

George Orwell said the trouble with British establishment people was that it was always 1910.

And it’s true they are so out-of-touch and old-fashioned they do behave as if it’s 1910, that Labour is new and the Conservatives defend the empire.  Food for thought.

And I’ve got thoughts of food, so let’s go to Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant where it’s 2015.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just come back from The Gossip Shop in our lovely little village of Upton Went.

The Gossip Shop is the name we give to the hairdressers run by Brenda and Dafne.

And we were all chatting about this general election and saying that even the candidates don’t seem to have any passion or any life in them.

David Camerason hasn’t gone up in five years.

Fancy.

And Ed Rubberband hasn’t gone up either.

Fancy.

Whereas Nick Clogdancer has gone down to single figures.

And Nigel Mirage has gone up, but that makes the other little boys in the school playground jealous.

Meanwhile, of the little girls in the school playground, Nicola Surgeon would like to carve up the United Kingdom by seceding Scotland from the union.

And we got to thinking, if they were animals, what animals would they be?

What about David Camerason?

Brenda thought he’d be a chameleon because he’s forever changing.

Dafne thought he’d be a seagull, desperate to pick up scraps wherever possible, scavenging for floating voters.

What about Ed Rubberband?

Brenda thought he’d be a lump of plasticine, but we had to disqualify that because a lump of plasticine isn’t an animal.

So she called him a leopard because he can’t change his spots.

Dafne called him a lesser-spotted shitehawk, but we had to disqualify that as well because we’d never actually seen one.

So she called him a sheep because he always moves about in unison.

What about Nick Clogdancer?

Exactly.

Brenda thought he’d be a white elephant because you don’t really know what he is or where to put him.

Dafne thought he’d be a cuckoo because he was always trying to push Labour or Conservatives out of their nests.

Clever.

What about Nicola Surgeon?

Brenda thought she’d be a grouse because grouse is all she ever does.

Dafne thought she’d be a homing pigeon because it doesn’t matter how far she flies, she’ll always fly straight back home again.

And then there’s Nigel Mirage.

Brenda thought he’d be a fox, always one step ahead of the hunt because he knows if he isn’t ahead of them they’ll tear him to shreds.

Dafne thought he’d be an old English Sheepdog, trying to give the United Kingdom a new coat of paint.

She’s thinking of Durex there.

No.  She’s thinking of Dulux, who make paint.

Dopey me.

Anyway, by next week there’ll only be two more days to go, so someone had better pull their political finger out of their focus group backside and get a wiggle on.

So, what will be the outcome?

Will Dave rave?

Will Ed be dead?

Will Nick feel sick?

Will Nige be obliged?

And will Nicola be perpendicular?

We’ll all find out, when we have our say.

For better or worse, on the seventh of May.

Have a good week and we’ll see you next week.  Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were chatting to the Four Skins about their new album to coincide with the general election, ‘Music to Put Your Cross By.’

And they were saying they engaged session musicians for the album.

Yes, there’s the best female drummer in the business, Billie Jean Krupa.

And a female guitarist, Joanie Cash, the woman in black.

They’ve got a track for Ed Rubberband, Scotland and the Scottish Nationalist Party ‘You Take the High Road and I’ll Take the Low Road and I’ll Get Votes in Scotland Before You.’

They’ve got a track for David Camerason, Nigel Mirage and the United Kingdom Independence Party, ‘There’ll Always Be an England, But Maybe Not For You.’

They’ve got a track for Nick Clogdancer, ‘Follow the Yellow Brick Road.’

And a track for the Welsh Nationalists, ‘There’ll Be a Welcome in the Hillside, Especially If You Need Our Votes.’

The Four Skins were telling us they believe William Shakespeare invented the word ‘autograph.’

Apparently someone told them that a fan came up to William Shakespeare and said “Fair Will Shakespeare, may I have your mark upon this sketched likeness of your aspect?”

And William Shakespeare said “you mean you want a signed picture? An autograph?”

And the fan said “what a good word, autograph!”

And so William Shakespeare invented the autographed picture.

The Four Skins said they heard this from their butcher.

They got talking to this butcher and they said “I expect you need qualifications to be a butcher, being as you handle people’s meat.”

And he said he did have a certificate, which he called a “stiff ticket.”

And the Four Skins said “well, of course you need a stiff ticket to handle your meat, but only your own.”

And the butcher said “it wouldn’t be right to handle other people’s meat.”

And the Four Skins said “unless you wear gloves, or it’s properly wrapped.”

And the butcher said “it’s safer that way.”

All of which helped the Four Skins write another of the tracks for their new album, ‘Always Practice Safe Politics, Always Use a Nondom.’

The Four Skins have promised to sing all the tracks of their new album at an election night party Miserable Les is having at the Silly Cow.

We promised to think about going, but I think we might have a headache that night and not be able to go out.

And the way things are going so will the country.

David Camerason just isn’t going up.

In the polls.

Of course.

Ed Rubberband just isn’t going up either.

In the polls.

Probably.

And he’s going down in Scotland.

Nick Clogdancer is just above the margin for error in the polls, so maybe he won’t even win his own seat.

We shall see.

We certainly will.

And Nigel Mirage is going up in the polls, but the others don’t seem to want to make friends with him.

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now. We’ll see you again next time. Have a good week.

O.K., goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

We noticed last week that potential tenants of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue are beginning to consider their bids when the tenancy is up next year.

Great fun.

Remember November 2000?

I said “we won’t go to bed until we know who the next President is.”

Wrong night to say that.

We didn’t have another President for 5 weeks and a day. 36 days.

Even then all Al Gore could say was “even though I don’t agree with the Supreme Court’s decision, I accept it.”

And he said that from the White House like he already was President, while Bush was at the Governor’s residence in Texas.

Remember the Presidential Debates in 1992?

George Bush would look at his watch and answer the questions as if he couldn’t be bothered.

Then Clinton would jump up like Howdy Doody and answer the questions with so much enthusiasm it was unbelievable.

And then Ross Perot would get up inbetween both of them and say “don’t listen to either of these 2 fellas, their both lying to ya!”

That’s what we need this time.  Another Ross Perot.

So far we’ve got Jeb Bush for the Republicans.

It was pointed out that when his father was President he went to war in Kuwait.

He said, if he became President, he wouldn’t go to war in Kuwait.

It was pointed out that when his brother was President he went to war in Iraq.

He said, if he became president, he wouldn’t go to war in Iraq.

I was waiting for the punchline “I’d go to war in Syria instead” but it didn’t come.

Then there’s Palin for the Republican.

This time, with what’s going on in the Ukraine, seeing Russia from your house could come in handy.

Just don’t get interviewed by Katie Couric again!

For the Democrats we might be having Hillary Clinton.

But we don’t know officially yet.

Presumably she’ll let us all know with a call at 2 in the morning!

Someone who apparently won’t be having another go is Romney for the Republicans.

Translation, he couldn’t raise enough money or support.

I often think of all the people who should’ve run for President.

Such as?

Clint Eastwood for a start “go on all you terrorist punks, make my day!”

Colin Powell would’ve made an excellent President.  He should never have let himself be talked out of it in 1996.

Neil Armstrong would’ve been a marvellous President.  Who better to be head of the Western World than someone who has set foot on another world entirely and watched the Earth rise on the horizon?

Very true.

What’s for dinner?

I’m going to put something in the microwave.

Something is right.  It looks like a NASA special Neil Armstrong passed on.

In space no-one can hear you vomit.

Imagine having to catch all the vomit floating around.

Is that tomorrow’s dinner?

No, it was today’s.

But it could be reconstituted again and we could have another go tomorrow.

The thought does not bear thinking about.

Like having an accident on the zero gravity toilet when the hose slips.

Let’s not go there.  Let’s go to Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant instead.

Right.

Say goodbye to all the nice people.

O.K. goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we were thinking about two things over the past week.

One is that it’s awards time with the Oscars.

And the other is that we’re disgusted by the coverage of recent terrorist attacks and cold-blooded murders.

What disgusted us is that repeatedly, following the recent burning alive of a hostage, as well as following the beheadings before, some journalists, experts or commentators have kept on about the professionalism of the terrorist videos.

It’s absolutely unbelievable. It’s as if they admire the terrorists.

We’ve seen and heard them talking about “production values, slickness and graphics.”

After the burning alive of the hostage on February 3rd we even saw some fool on the BBC talking about what he called “CGI effects.”

This is not a Star Wars film. These are not CGI effects. These are real people being murdered by real cowards and those are real flames and real dead bodies.

We don’t want to upset or offend anyone, but enough’s enough.

We thought, if these journalists are so impressed by these terrorist videos, perhaps they’d like to do their own awards ceremony for them.

So we got thinking about what the ‘First Annual Terrorist Video Awards’ might be like.

Of course it would all start on the red carpet, but the commentators would find it impossible to tell one guest from another as they would all arrive dressed all in black with masks on.

Then there would be a stand-up comedian as host doing a very unfunny opening routine making remarks about the West.

Then we’d get onto the actual awards themselves.

We’d have Best Direction in a Terrorist Video.

The nominees would be read out, clips would be shown and the audience would go wild.

Then the winner would be announced and the host would say he couldn’t accept the award in person because he’s wanted in seventeen countries dead or alive.

Someone would come up on stage, accept the award on his behalf and state defiantly that the award will be melted down, sold and the proceeds used to commit glorious atrocities against the West.

Then the audience would go wild again.

Best Visual Effects would go to a weapons ordinance manufacturer.

And the audience would go wild again.

Best Foreign Film would go to ‘The Interview’ for causing the West more trouble than any other film.

And the audience would go wild again.

Best Actor in a Leading Role would go to one of the hostages who had been brutally murdered.

Again, all the nominees would be read out, clips would be shown and the audience would go wild again.

Then the winner would be announced and the host would say he couldn’t accept the award in person because he had been executed by brave warriors in retaliation for Western aggression.

And the audience would go even wilder.

Best Costume would go to a manufacturer of balaclavas.

And the audience would go wild again.

Best Supporting Actor would go to a man with a meat cleaver in his hand.

And the audience would go wild again.

Best Screenplay would go to the writer of a suicide bomber’s martyrdom statement.

And the audience would go particularly wild.

Then the climax of the evening would be Best Picture, then the presenters and nominees would hold the audience hostage, give several defiant interviews to waiting journalists with their awards in their hands, then they would blow up the theatre, either escape or blow themselves up too and that would be it until the ‘Second Annual Terrorist Video Awards’ next years.

Thankfully real life isn’t so insane.

But only just!

Anyway, that’s all from us for this week, have a safe week and we’ll see you again next time in our lovely little village of Upton Went.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Now, last week we promised you we’d tell you all about Derek’s election manifesto, as he’s standing as an independent candidate with his Abigails Party.

On the economy Derek wants a reversal of all austerity measures and for the government to “spend in order to make money,” especially since the result of the general election in Greece last month.

He wants a cap on election spending, so money isn’t wasted and that finite sum determined by the House of Lords “so they do something useful for a change.”

Derek wants “World War I and World War II renamed the First European Civil War and the Second European Civil War, in order to promote greater trust and solidarity amongst Western Allied Powers in fighting against terrorism.”

He also wants “the European Union to compete in the Olympics as one entity, so that they win more medals and so that it promotes more closeness and trust amongst European countries” in a manner more like the United States and the Russian Federation. This would also “promote stronger relations between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern & Southern Ireland.”

He also wants all Prime Minister’s to have any family of voting age.

This is for two important reasons.

Firstly, if your own children can’t vote for you, why the hell should anyone else?

And secondly, because if a Prime Minister has a family while in office it shows he hasn’t got his priorities straight. Derek says “if a Prime Minister can still shag his wife, he can shag the country as well.” Besides which, if he was taking his job properly seriously as Prime Minister, “he wouldn’t have the time to shag his wife, or the inclination.”

Derek said “if I’d been busy bombing Iraq every night I wouldn’t be doing the same to my wife at the same time.”

On health care, Derek wants false teeth available on the NHS for all babies.

Everyone using the NHS because of drunken behaviour at weekends made to pay up front.

All health staff to be deunionised, so that “all necessary reforms can take place without the threat of strike action held over them.”

All patients treated at home instead of hospitals wherever possible, in order to speed recovery and prevent infections.

This also includes as many operations as possible undertaken in vehicles outside the patient’s home, rather than in hospital.

He bases this policy on the high success rate of cataract operations in the back of Land Rovers in Africa.

Speaking of Africa, Derek wants all governments to work with the United Nations to put an end to famine in Africa by working with NASA to use the same “terraforming” technology that would be used on Mars to be used on Earth in Africa now.

Bloody brilliant!

This would have two major achievements.

Firstly, “no more deaths by famine across Africa.”

And secondly, “no more bloody awful charity singles by pop stars after a Knighthood.”

On education Derek would make all education voluntary after the age of eleven. This would mean that all teenagers would feel they were in high school because they wanted to be and thus prevent a lot of antagonism by teachers against pupils.

Derek wants all teachers of children from eleven onwards to be voted on by secret ballot by all children and parents, or adult guardians, in order to forcibly remove all bad teachers through these annual re-elections. “Bad pupils can be kicked out of their school. Why not bad teachers too?”

Derek also wants English Literature updated.

He wants “all that Jane Austin and Emily Bronte bollocks removed because it’s all about greedy young women looking for the richest husband possible and that’s sexist, outdated, elitist and socially damaging.”

He wants technology to play a drastically smaller part in education, so that children learn social skills much better.

Derek also wants all school children to spend a year of “social national service” in the community in order to understand the needs of the elderly, special needs and everyone unlike themselves before starting work.

Also bloody brilliant!

Derek also wants as many workers to be encouraged to work from home via the internet, so that “as much land can be reclaimed either for renovation into affordable housing or for parkland in our towns and cities instead of office buildings standing empty or being full when they could all e-mail each other from home rather than across the office.”

Even more bloody brilliance from Derek.

That’s Derek’s election manifesto and that’s the Abigails Party.

As we go to wish Derek all the best for May, cheerio.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Now, last week we were telling you all about John and Dave, but we didn’t get round to telling you anything about Derek, who married John’s ex-wife Joan and Dave’s ex-wife, Davina.

Not both at once, obviously.

Now, Derek has a brother, Eric.

And Derek and Eric grew up in Berwick-on-Tweed.

And Eric used to be a vicar, so he was Eric the cleric from Berwick.

So, Eric became an actor instead and toured around the country in a play about John Merrick, commonly known in some circles as the Elephant Man.

Eric played Merrick in Berwick, so he became known as Merrick Eric from Berwick.

Meanwhile, Derek worked in a travelling funfair on the Ferris Wheel, so he became known as Ferrick Derek from Berwick.

And it’s while Derek was travelling with the funfair that he met Joan and Davina.

When Derek got married the first time Eric was still a cleric, so Eric married Derek, so to speak.

When Derek got married the second time Eric was no longer a cleric, so he was Derek’s Best Man instead.

Eric was an actor by then and he had to fit in being Derek’s Best Man on a Saturday between the matinee and evening performances of the play of Elephant Man, John Merrick.

So, Derek has John Merrick, the Elephant Man in all his wedding photographs.

And the organist at the wedding had to play a longer-than-usual rendition of the Wedding March because Eric took so long to walk down the aisle in character.

On top of that his bride hadn’t been told that Eric was coming in full make-up as John Merrick, the Elephant Man, so when she took her veil off she screamed the place down until he said it’s alright, it’s me, Eric.”

As Eric was something of a method actor he never quite got out of the part of John Merrick, the Elephant Man, after that.

And, during his Best Man’s speech at the reception, he got his memorised speech mixed up with his memorised lines and declared proudly at the top of his voice “I am not an animal, I am not an Elephant, I am a human being!”

Which got a round of applause, by the way.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only awkward moment during the wedding.

Derek’s three cousins, Huwey, Dewey & Louis, were in a ‘Dr. Who’ at the same time and they couldn’t get out of costume either.

And so all the wedding photographs have three Cybermen in the background as well, smiling!”

Now, Derek was on the phone chatting to John and Dave the other night and he was bemoaning the fact that Britain has a general election coming up in May and he doesn’t want to vote for any of them because, as he so eloquently put, “they’re all a bunch of fecking gobshites,” to put it mildly.

So, John and Dave said “if that’s how you feel, why don’t you stand as an independent candidate and show them how it’s done?”

He had a long, hard think about it for five seconds and then said “I will.”

And off he went to write an election manifesto.

Derek has now filled out all the forms and written his election manifesto and is prepared to enter into negotiations to form “a coalition of the willing and able” if he holds the balance of power at the next election.

He’s called his party Abigail’s Party, partly in tribute to Demis Roussos, but also because Abigail was an old phrase meaning slave and Derek believes, as do we all in the lovely little village of Upton Went, that we should be freed from the dictates of allegedly democratic governments who, nevertheless suppress freedom of speech when they see it in their best interests to do so.

We’ll be having a copy of Derek’s manifesto by next week, so we’ll tell you all about the Abigail’s Party next week.

Until then, have a good week and we’ll see you next time.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been chatting with John and Dave.

Now, John and Dave have just moved into our lovely little village of Upton Went from London.

What part of London?

All of them.

John’s full name is John Dave.

And Dave’s full name is Dave John.

John Dave has a brother called Dave Dave.

And Dave has a brother called John John.

John Dave’s middle name is Dave.

And Dave’s middle name is John.

John used to be married to Joan, so they were John Dave and Joan Dave.

And Dave used to be married to Davina, so they were Dave John and Davina John.

Confused? You will be?

Joan Dave’s maiden name was Pave, so she used to be Joan Pave.

And if Joan Dave and John Dave wanted to have a double-barrelled surname, they would have been John Pave-Dave and Joan Pave-Dave, or John Dave-Pave and Joan Dave-Page, but they didn’t.

Davina John’s maiden name was Ron, so she used to be Davina Ron.

And if Davina John and Dave John wanted to have a double-barrelled surname, they would be been Dave Ron-John and Davina Ron-John, or Dave John-Ron and Davina John-Ron, but they didn’t either.

Now, Joan Dave has a sister, Maeve.

Maeve was engaged to Dave, so they could have been Dave and Maeve, but that didn’t work out.

And Maeve was also engaged to John, so they would have been John and Maeve, but that didn’t work out.

And she would have been Maeve Dave, or Maeve Pave-Dave, or Maeve Dave-Pave if they had wanted a double-barrelled surname, which they didn’t.

Maeve put it about a bit before marrying Derek, but that’s not important right now.

What did she put about a bit?

Herself. She also dislocated her tongue at every family reunion.

Not only that, but Davina John has a sister, Daisy.

Daisy was engaged to John, so they could have been John and Daisy, but that didn’t work out.

And Daisy was also engaged to Dave, so they would have been Dave and Daisy, but that didn’t work out.

And she would have been Daisy Dave, or Daisy Pave-Dave, or Daisy Dave-Pave if they had wanted a double-barrelled surname, which they didn’t.

Daisy also put it about a bit before marrying Derek, after he divorced Maeve, but that’s not important right now.

This now meant that Daisy and Maeve were related by marriage to each other and that Derek was John and Dave’s brother-in-law twice over.

Now, Dave divorced Davina years ago.

And John divorced Joan years ago, too.

And Dave didn’t miss Davina.

And John didn’t miss Joan either.

However, they both missed company in the evenings and decent, civilised conversation.

So, John spent more and more time at Dave’s place.

And Dave spent more and more time at John’s place.

And eventually John and Dave realised they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with each other from the start.

So, John and Dave moved in together and later got married.

Therefore, they had to decide whether they were going to be John John and Dave John, or Dave Dave and John Dave.

And so John and Dave have moved to our lovely little village of Upton Went and they’re very welcome.

I know we could have just said that John and Dave moved to our lovely little village of Upton Went and they’re a couple, but it was much more fun this way, wasn’t it?

Anyway, that’s all for this time, but we’ll be with you again next time.

O.K., goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW!

Hi, I’m Apple…

and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just had someone new moving into our lovely little village of Upton Went.

His name is Charlie and he runs a talent agency called ‘Charlie’s Angels.’

Or rather, he did because Charlie has had a hard time of it lately.

First his agency got into financial problems, then his wife left him. It wasn’t sudden, their marriage had been breaking up for years.

So, Charlie has come to start a new life in our lovely little village of Upton Went.

And he’s very welcome.

The Reverend Archie Farcnad popped round and personally welcomed him to the parish, Whisky Tango Foxtrot told him that he understood how he felt and Botox Betty just popped round and welcomed him.

Anyway, all was going well for Charlie until last month, when he just found all recent events just caught up with him and he went into a deep depression.

The first thing we noticed about it was that no-one saw him at the shops or in the Silly Cow.

So, we volunteered to go and see him and we found that he was very upset after his marriage breaking up and having to sell ‘Charlie’s Angels’ in order to pay his expenses.

He told us he felt a right Charlie, by name and by nature and he said “am I the only Charlie in this village.”

And we told him “today, we are all Charlies!”

We went and told the Reverend Archie Farcnad about Charlie and he suggested a charity auction to raise funds to save ‘Charlie’s Angels.’

So, that’s what happened. Everyone donated something.

And, due to the similarity of his name and the tragic events in Paris, France last month, the Reverend Archie Farcnad suggested that we all donate pieces of artwork or original drawings of our own.

So, that’s what we all decided to do.

And guess what? We managed to raise enough funds to allow Charlie to pay his expenses without needing to sell ‘Charlie’s Angels.’

So, Charlie doesn’t feel a right Charlie anymore.

As for his wife, she muttered something about wanting to get her hands on his ruby slippers and disappeared while screaming “I’m melting…melting.”

All the auctioned artwork was exhibited at Upton Heights to raise funds for Charlie and Charlie donated the money to the families of those affected by terrorist attacks.

So, that was our week here in our lovely little village of Upton Went.

We have all been concerned by the events of last month in Paris.

And we just wanted to say the pen is always mightier than the sword.

Satire should challenge, but never offend. In 1979 many Christians were offended by ‘Life of Brian,’ but they never murdered anyone. What ‘Life of Brian’ satirised was religion, not religious beliefs. No-one can attack religious beliefs because they are private and in the eye of the beholder.

Anyone feeling their religious beliefs have been satirised would be mistaken because it’s more a reflection of their state of mind rather than the satirist.

Imagine a world with no humour. Imagine a world with no comedy. Imagine a world with no laughter.

Quiet, isn’t it!

Anyway, laughter is an innocent human emotion.

And so is tolerance and forgiveness.

Unfortunately hate is also a human emotion.

But hate is only self-destructive in the end.

Anyway, we’ll see you again next time. Have a peaceful week.

Je suis Apple.

Je suis Ginger.

Je suis Charlie.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

We’ve just finished reading one of our Christmas presents.

‘The Quality Street Selection Box’ Botox Betty gave us.

Not much plot, but very colourful.

We’ve just finished reading the new book the Reverend Archie Farcnad gave us signed copies of.

‘The Richard Dawkins Delusion’ by God.

In it God presents the theory that Richard Dawkins is an obsolete product of a society desperate to believe in the cult of celebrity, when the reality has been proved by scientists, historians and people with new books to flog that there never was a cult of celebrity, that all beliefs in celebrities are the product of a delusional mind, desperate to believe in something in a secular society.

Yes, God suggests that Richard Dawkins does not exist unless someone is actually looking at him, in accordance with current views on quantum physics.

If you stop looking at Richard Dawkins he will cease to exist and you will soon realise that he never existed in the first place, like the ego in Buddhism. Try it, it’s easy.

God also proves that, not only does Richard Dawkins not exist, neither does Bruce Forsyth, Cliff Richard or Cilla Black. In fact not a single celebrity ever existed.

The bad news is that Tony Blackburn is real, he only seems like the product of a delusional mind.

God concludes his thesis by proving He exists because He is not a celebrity, He’s a deity. He also points out that Brian never was the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy, that belief in God is not a matter of religion, it’s a matter of faith and that the Bible is, in fact, a manual for life, some in the past tense and some in the future tense, that you can only find out which by logging onto Holy Spirit.com, without a computer, only with your mind and that one day very soon some members of society will be leaving planet Earth and saying “so long and thanks for all the fish” and it’s not the dolphins.

Think of all the fun there would be if there were parallel universes. There would be a world out there somewhere where the little bunny rabbits experiment on the people.

There would be a world out there somewhere where the trees chop down the people because they’re in their way.

There would be a world out there somewhere where people crash into each other on the roads and the vehicles go to hospital and the people are scrapped.

And there would be a world out there somewhere where the insects spray peopleicide to protect their crops from being picked.

Only the other day we were chatting about parallel universes with Brolly Molly. You haven’t had the pleasure of her yet, have you?

Brolly Molly carries an umbrella in any weather. Typical British. No matter the weather she always carries one as it reminds her of using a parasol when she was a young lady. She always says “you never know.”

Her full name is Mabel Olive Lucy Lilly York. We just call her Molly. She’s also known as the Duchess of York because of her name, although she’s about as royal as Oliver Cromwell, bless him.

Brolly Molly was telling us her husband lives in a parallel universe. He only comes through to this universe when he wants something to eat, something to drink, or the bathroom. Presumably the parallel universe he drifts off to the rest of the time doesn’t feed him, doesn’t have any alcohol and doesn’t have any bathrooms.

Speaking of people living in parallel universes devoid from reality, the Houses of Parliament will be dissolved in April for a General Election on May 7th.

Due to government cutbacks it has been announced that a new year cannot be guaranteed every year and that it may be necessary to recycle old years in order to save money on calendars, newspapers, television and radio.

Just imagine, no more repeats because they’d all be new again. No-one could say they didn’t know what the world was coming to because they would. Even people with deja-vu would be right because they would have been here before. Prices would go down as well, of course and with it the cost of living.

So, we thought we’d have a poll to decide what years to re-use and why. Which year would you like to see again and why? How about 1990, so you could see Thatcher got rid of again.

How about 1977, so you can see ‘Star Wars’ for the first time again?

How about 1969. so you can se the Mets winning the World Series for the first time again?

Or how about 1964, so you can go and watch the Beatles on ‘The Ed Sullivan Show’ for the first time again?

We’d choose 1978, with ‘Superman,’ Blake’s 7′ and the Key to Time Tom Baker ‘Doctor Who’ stories all new again and that chap being stabbed with an umbrella in the street. It wasn’t Brolly Molly, by the way.

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now. See you next time. Have a good week.

O.K.goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been helping Django Johnson.

Known as DJ to his friends, he was given the name Django, not because his parents liked spaghetti westerns, but because they loved the work of the jazz guitarist, Django Reinhardt.

He always wanted to live up to his parents’ expectations and learn to play the guitar and become a famous jazz guitarist.

The trouble is he’s never been able to master the guitar. Just learning 3 basic chords, like a lousy popstar, just wouldn’t be enough. He just didn’t know where to begin.

Anyway, we got a phonecall from DJ earlier on today.

And he started by saying “I need help and advise and you’re clever, aren’t you?”

We modestly said “yes, we are.”

He said “if you’re clever, prove it.”

So we told him I’ve got a degree in Greek.

And I’ve got a degree in Geography.

And he said “say something in Geography.”

So we told him “Pi R Squared.”

And he said “that proves you’re not as clever as you think because everyone knows pies are round.”

So we knew it was going to be one of those days.

Anyway, we eventually reassured him we were clever, with all modesty and he said “I need to talk to you.”

And we said “don’t talk on the phone, come over in person and save your voice,” just to show we can be just as daft as he is.

Not long afterwards he rang to the doorbell.

We let him in and gestured for him to sit down.

I said “what is it?”

And he said “it’s a couch, isn’t it?” and sat down.

And I said “no, what is it you want to talk about?”

So he told us “I bought a home guitar course on CD.”

We said we thought that was a good way of learning how to play the guitar to make his parents proud of him.

Then he said “I listened to it all the way through several times and when I’d finished listening to it I have to be honest and say I was none the wiser.”

So, we asked him “well, how come?”

And he told us “well, it’s just all those notes.”

And we told him “that’s the thing with music, it’s all about notes. You can’t avoid them.”

And he said “I know, but playing the guitar is harder than it looks.”

So, we asked him “had you been playing your guitar for long?”

Then there was an uncomfortable pause for a few seconds and then he said “you need a guitar?”

Then there was another pause for a few seconds while we looked at each other across him from opposite ends of the couch and mouthed “you need a guitar?” with disbelief.

Anyway, we told him “of course you need a guitar if you’re going to learn how to play the guitar.”

He look slightly hurt and said “I thought I’d listen to the CD first and see if I could get on with it first before I spent all that money buying one.”

And we told him “you can’t know if you’re any good at it unless you buy one and try.”

And he said “I wondered why I wasn’t getting much out of it.”

So, we told him, with as much patience as possible, “what you need to do is buy a cheap secondhand guitar to learn on. Musical instruments are like dates, you need a cheap secondhand one just to practice on until you’ve got the hang of it.”

Then he said “but I’m lefthanded and lefthanded guitars are more expensive and harder to find.”

So, we told him “that doesn’t have to matter. You just turn it upside down and restring it backwards. That’s what Paul McCartney did. You can tell because of the shape of his f-hole.”

We thought he might misunderstand what we meant by f-hole, but worse he said “I thought of that, but my knob would be on the wrong side.”

We looked at each other again and mouthed “my knob would be on the wrong side.”

So, we had to ask “well, how d’you mean?”

And he told us the CD was for learning how to play an electric guitar.

At that point we thought we’d helped just about as much as a friend could reasonably be expected to help.

We encouraged him to keep plucking and left it there. With that, it’s time for us to go now. See you next time.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve just been chatting with Touchdown Timmy and Spitball Sally.

As you might have guessed, Timmy’s favourite time of year is September, at the start of the NFL season, to the playoffs throughout January, leading up to the Super Bowl. He never misses Sunday Night Football on NBC and Monday Night Football on ESPN and he’s glued to the current playoffs on CBS, NBC and Fox that will lead to Super Bowl XLIX on February 1st on NBC.

Whereas Sally can’t wait for April and the start of the MLB season. She never misses Sunday Night Baseball and Wednesday Night Baseball on ESPN and is glued to the All-Star break in July, with the Home Run Derby on ESPN and the All-star Game on Fox, all culminating in the post season series in October, leading to the World Series.

Now, we enjoy both the NFL and MLB seasons, but Touchdown Timmy and Spitball Sally are a bit obsessive.

Timmy gets frustrated by the slow pitching in Baseball. You could have a commercial break and they still wouldn’t have pitched the lousy ball.

Whereas Sally gets frustrated by all the time-outs in the NFL.

We just enjoy all of it.

Touchdown Timmy’s father was always obsessive about any ball game. He’d video the games and watch them again during the off-season.

He’s housebound now and a bit forgetful. He was watching a game the other day and got so involved he forgot it was on tape. They were visiting him at the time. During the 7th inning stretch he said to Spitball Sally “quick, give me the phone, I want to put another 20 bucks on the Yankees.”

Needless to say Touchdown Timmy doesn’t have many opportunities to score a touchdown from April to October and Spitball Sally doesn’t receive many home runs from September to February, but there’s always March.

Good job they don’t follow the NHL season. They’d never have any romance in their lives!

Of course, in the years we’ve lived in our lovely little village of Upton Went, we had to get used to some strange sports.

This is a country where people chase down a hill after a rolling cheese. Frightening!

It’s also a country where they can get excited over the spectacle of what look like kettles sliding across the ice. It’s called curling.

It’s toe-curling. You could have more excitement when you were unconscious!

Then there’s cricket. The first time we saw cricket we honestly thought it was the daftest game of baseball we’d ever seen.

We thought both teams must be really bad, they’ve been playing for hours and no-one’s ever got to 2nd base. They run to 1st base, then they run back to home plate, they then run back to 1st base again. Why the hell don’t they run to 2nd base?

And we thought the other team must be even dumber because none of them have thought how easy it is to get them all out.

When we found out the reality was that it wasn’t baseball, it was some game called cricket we couldn’t believe it. They play for 5 days. If it rains they all walk off and have a cuppa tea. And they play this game in a country where the chances of getting through 5 days in a row without it raining are astronomical.

When I was in school I scored 17 home runs in one baseball game.

Well, how come?

I hit the ball, it flew up into the air and a dog caught it in his mouth and he ran off with it. I scored a home run and everyone said I should go round again, so I ended up scoring 17 home runs.

We enjoy both the NFL and MLB seasons. We also enjoy Tennis and the summer and winter Olympics.

What we don’t like is aggressive behaviour and that belongs in the stone age and it leads to racism, sexism and violence and we’ve got no time for any of that and neither should anyone else.

After all, it’s only a game.

Oh, yes, apart from when it’s Game 7 of the World Series, or the Super Bowl or Wimbledon. Maybe it’s not just a game after all!

Anyway, we’re off to watch a couple of games on video with Touchdown Timmy, Spitball Sally and Timmy’s father.

Yes, Super Bowl XXXIV and the subway World Series, both from 2000.

Timmy’s father’s got money on the Tennessee Titans and the New York Mets. We couldn’t take his money even if we agreed with gambling.

So, we’ll see you next time. Have a good week.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we want to wish everyone a Happy Nude Year, don’t we Ginger?

Yes, we do. A very Happy Nude Year to all our followers, all over the world.

This year sees the 150th anniversary of the end of the War Between the States and the assassination of President Lincoln, the 70th anniversary of the end of World War II, including the liberation of the concentration camps by allied forces, the 40th anniversary of the fall of Saigon and the 25th anniversary of the fall of Thatcher. That’s the serious bit over with, now let’s have some fun.

Let me introduce you to Whiney Whiney Carol Whiney, also known as Whiney Whiney Nasal Whiney because of the tone of her voice. She’s generally known as Nasal Hazel’s best friend.

To describe what Carol Whiney and Nasal Hazel look like, they don’t have any scaffolding or buttresses keeping their figures in place, but they have had help.

Nasal Hazel used to work as a dancer at an awful club in Upton Fled that has long since closed down. That is where Nazal Hazel and Carol Whiney met.

There was a rumour going around our lovely little village of Upton Went.

And that rumour was that in this club in Upton Fled one of the nude fan-dancers danced in front of an industrial electric fan. Word got out round all the public houses about the startling effect the fan had on her “luxuriant pubic bush” as they called it.

Carol Whiney mentioned it to us and when we heard about the “luxuriant public bush” we said we used to have one of those in the front garden until it withered during the winter.

Anyway, intrigued, Carol Whiney bought a new pair of opera glasses, because binoculars were banned and went to have a look.

They’ve been great friends ever since. Bosom buddies.

And all their other bits are buddies too.

They’re both sensitive souls.

Well, aren’t we all.

They’re united in that their nasal voices don’t annoy each other, as they cancel each other out.

Anyway, Nasal Hazel’s career as a fan-dancer came to a very sad end when her “luxuriant public bush” turned out to be a fake.

A false fanny?

A baggy bush. A bush of the baggy variety.

Does a fanny include the part behind the hairy bit? I say yes.

I’m not sure. I can’t say I’ve given it a great deal of thought.

Fair enough.

That’s it. We’ll call it that.

Call it what?

A furry nuff.

Nuff said. And how did they all find out? It blew off one night and blew right across the room.

Yes, it turned out she was wearing a falsie. It was a man’s beard stuck on upside down. We should’ve guessed. She left the moustache on.

It landed on Carol Whiney’s face and they’ve been landing on each other’s faces ever since.

Meanwhile, Botox Betty has been going for therapy to help get over the nativity play. Unfortunately a tower has been built 300feet high by the company in the next office building for bungy jumping. It turned out to have unforeseen circumstances.

Yes, when she started explaining to her therapist on the 3rd floor that some days she feels suicidal and depressed, someone falls past the window bungy jumping and then falls back up again, screaming. Very disconcerting.

This also happened with a friend of Botox Betty who was having therapy at the same time. She had lost her husband recently. She got back from the funeral and found an e-mail, that it later transpired had been misdirected from a holidaymaker just getting to his hotel in Florida.

It said “I do miss you, darling. I’ve just checked in and everyone around here is looking forward to you joining me tomorrow. P.S. – it’s very hot down here.”

Before we go, here’s a story Botox Betty’s written for the Daily Upton. A cruise liner sinks and 2 survivors end up on a desert island. Only then does one find the other is gay. He says “of over a thousand people on that ship, I get stuck with you. Do you realise there were hundreds of women on that ship?” The other one replies “do you realise there were hundreds of gays on that ship and I get lumbered with you?” So they stay on separate sides of the island. Eventually, while collecting their coconuts, they get talking and find they have a lot in common after all. When they’re rescued they both go home changed by the experience. The straight bloke says “I was nervous about you being gay, but we got on fine in the end” and the gay bloke replies “yes, we did, but don’t flatter yourself. I never fancied you from the moment I saw you!” It’s called ‘Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-dot Bikini Atoll.’ Odd title, but we like the plot. Anyway, that’s all from us for this week. Happy Nude Year again and we’ll see you again next time.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, Apple & Ginger here. Scroll down for this week’s episode which we posted a week early last week, if you haven’t enjoyed it already. Also scroll down for our Christmas Special for Christmas Eve, then scroll back up again for our New Year’s Special dated for New Year’s Eve. We’re only posting these episodes early because we’re busy over Christmas. We’ll be back to normal on January 6th. See you all soon.

APPLE & GINGER ALL AT SEA.

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’re speaking to you this week from the middle of the ocean.

Which ocean is this?

I can’t remember. All oceans look alike to me.

Anyway, we’re in the middle of the ocean because we’re on an ocean cruise. We went from our lovely little village of Upton Went to Portsmouth and here we are on HMS Troutbridge on a cruise.

We didn’t tell anyone because we didn’t want any fuss. We just wanted to quietly slip away, especially after Chlorine Doreen’s nude Scottish nativity play.

We booked it months ago and decided to end the year we got married in on our honeymoon. So, here we are.

And guess who we bumped into on the ship.

The first night we sat down in the restaurant who should be our waiter for the evening, but Nicos, the lovestruck waiter from Katarina’s World Famous Greek Restaurant in our lovely little village of Upton Went.

Still as lovestruck as ever he’s hoping to find a friend amongst the passengers.

Although, from the looks he’s been getting from the head chef, I think he already has.

Nicos is a sensitive soul.

Well, aren’t we all?

We’ve often had suspicions about chefs, amongst others, who are so busy trying to look and sound butch, fierce, aggressive and masculine, they can only be trying to hide their true sexuality. Some call it homoeroticism. There’s no such thing. They’re as gay as gay as gay and they should just come out and say so, instead of trying to look and sound so manly.

If all overly-masculine men just came out and admitted they were really as bent as a two dollar bill, the world would be a happier place.

And the food would taste better!

So, while we left Nicos being chased round the kitchen table by the head chef, guess who turned out to be staying in the next cabin.

Only the Reverend Archie Farcnad, who was being treated to a break by Bishop Brough, following them having a chat after the nude Scottish nativity play, after the Bishop put his clothes back on, of course.

A sabbatical he called it. They had separate beds, but you could see what looked suspiciously like caster marks in the carpet.

Bishop Brough said he was “educating Archie.” They were seen all over the ship going “hello Brough” and “hello Archie.” Whether the Bishop sat Archie on his knee and put his hand up his back we have no idea.

And guess who we met in the lounge.

The lounge singer was Kiri de Canopener, who was on the cruise with Big Bad Bovver Sheila. They’re also sharing a cabin and when we asked them what they find to do all night, Big Bad Bovver Sheila said “sinking the plunger.”

Now, we know Big Bad Bovver Sheila works in a quarry, blowing up rocks, but she’s often said that in relation to Kiri de Canopener.

I wonder what she means.

I have no idea, but she’s a sensitive soul.

Well, aren’t we all?

And guess who else we met.

Only Hildegarde Withers and her husband, Percy.

She said they’re on a second honeymoon and they’re going to keep on having honeymoons “until Percy gets it right.”

I wonder what she meant by that.

Sounds romantic though.

Anyway, we just keep on bumping into people we know from our lovely little village of Upton Went and they keep on bumping into each other.

We would have met fewer people from Upton Went if we’d upped and stayed there for the new year.

Anyway, tomorrow night we’ll all be together, Nicos, the Reverned Archie Farcnad, the Bishop, Kiri de Canopener, Big Bad Bovver Sheila, Hildegard Withers and her husband, Percy and anyone else from Upton Went we happen to bump into.

And we’ll all be seeing in the New Year together.

And we hope, whatever you’re planning to do on New Year’s Eve, wherever you are in the world, that you have a good time and a safe time and that the New Year is a better one for you than this year.

We’re off now to have a quiet dinner in our cabin.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday on January 6th 2015 when we’ll be back in our lovely little village of Upton Went. Happy Nude Year!

APPLE & GINGER’S NUDE SCOTTISH NATIVITY.

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And welcome to our Christmas Show. We’ve just got back from this year’s nativity play.

The Reverend Archie Farcnad said at a church meeting that he wanted something different this year because last year’s nativity play was ever-so-slightly chaotic, as you’ll remember, especially when Fango swallowed the Baby Jesus and then vomited him up on the stage in front of everyone.

Chlorine Doreen took on the organising of it and she had a bright idea that the Reverend Archie Farcnad was apparently all in favour of.

A Scottish nativity because of this year’s Scottish independence referendum.

And more than that, a nude Scottish nativity, with the money that would’ve been spent on costumes being sent to charities who look after people at Christmas.

Brilliant. So, this is how it went tonight.

Botox Betty came on to narrate the story. She was wearing her latest facelift and she had her body lifted specially for the performance. She went to ‘Curl Up & Dye’ to have her hair done. Not just on her head. She also made sure the heating was on.

She started off by saying how grateful the cast were that the audience had entered into the spirit of the performance and were all sat there in the nude as well. She warned them to be careful when standing for the hymns because your bums can stick to the varnish on the wooden pews and that there would be a collection after the performance.

Then she started from the script “a decree has gone out that all those born in Scotland must return to Scotland to be registered and so Mary and Joseph Macpherson went to Scotland to be registered.” Playing Mary and Joseph Macpherson were Hildegarde Withers and her husband, Percy. Typecasting! Not a pretty sight either.

And Botox Betty continued “Mary Macpherson was heavily up the duff and was desperate for a lie down before the sprog popped, but this was no ordinary sprog, for this sprog was the King of the Scots, an immaculate conception and there aren’t many of those in Glasgow on a Friday night.”

Then Mary and Joseph Macpherson reached the inn and who else but Miserable Les, landlord of the Silly Cow as the innkeeper.

And Miserable Les told Mary and Joseph Macpherson “there is no room at the Silly Cow. Didn’t you know it’s Christmas? Everywhere’s full at Christmas.” After the audience groaned in good fun he turned to the audience and said “look, I know it’s an old joke, but it’s two thousand years ago and it was new then.” Then he told them about the stable and told them they could stay there, adding “watch out for the mule. He kicks. I’ve been double-barrelled twice myself.”

Then Botox Betty came on again and said “meanwhile, Herod of Westminster heard about the imminent birth of the King of the Scots and he decreed that all children up to the age of two should be slapped with a whopping great poll tax until they threw in the towel and let Westminster tell Scotland what to do.” Playing Herod of Westminster was Shovel-it-Sid. Also typecasting!

Then Botox Betty introduced the three wise persons, who were played by Saddlesore Sally, Yvonne Gingerly and Flossie Follyfoot Effingham-Smythe. They brought gifts of bling, perfume and a foot spa.

Then Whisky Tango Foxtrot appeared on Kirby wires as The Angel of the North and said “unto us is born a King of the Scots this day.” Then his pet tiger Fango ran on and chased them all off the stage, which was a good time for an interval.

When everyone was coaxed back on stage Botox Betty said “when the Scots heard of Herod of Westminster’s murderous plans for a new poll tax, they all went to the Zoological Gardens for a meeting. They decided to fight Herod of Westminster until he’d had enough and they painted their faces blue, just like that film with Mel Gibson that won a lot of awards, but no-one really wanted to go and see. Therefore it came to pass on this Christmas Day that all the Scottish in the zoo had got their faced painted blue.”

At which point the doors flew open, causing many in the cast and in the audience to feel a draught in the hills and the valleys. It was the Reverend Archie Farcnad, fully clothed.

And he shouted in horror “no, I said at the church meeting ‘let’s do a NEW nativity play this year!'”

Botox Betty ran off the stage and tried to calm him down. He didn’t know where to look. Well, he did, but he tried not to!

And he said “what will the Bishop say?”

And Botox Betty said “you can ask him yourself. He’s in the front row with his mitre in his lap.”

And the Bishop went over to the Reverend Archie Farcnad and said “don’t be cross, Archie. Their hearts are in the right place” and the Reverend Archie Farcnad said “I know, so is everything else. You can’t very well miss it!”

And they all had a good laugh about it. Eventually. Botox Betty gave the Reverend Archie Farcnad a big hug and a kiss and while they were all waiting for the Reverend Archie Farcnad to regain consciousness. The Bishop had a collection for the needy at Christmas which raised a five-figure sum. £259.75p.

And that was this year’s nativity play.

So, it just remains for us to wish all of you around the world a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Nude Year.

See you next time for our Hogmanay Special.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, Apple & Ginger here. Scroll down for this week’s episode, then scroll back up again for next weeks episode early because we’re busy for Christmas. The reason we’ve got two episodes this week is because we’ll be posting our Christmas and New Year Specials next week, then we’re back to normal on January 6th. See you next Tuesday.

DECEMBER 16TH 2014.

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Professor Quiteamess had us for dinner last night.

We tasted lovely.

And he was telling us that before he realised that William Shakespeare was probably a pseudonym for two gay couples avoiding persecution in Elizabeth England, he was studying cave paintings in Africa and found that prehistoric man was just as class-conscious as modern man pretends not to be.

Now, we’ve often though of the first ape to decide to evolve.

We call him Eric.

And how all the other apes wondered if he would still talk to them after he’d finish evolving.

And whether he had any idea of what he was evolving into because no-one had done it before.

Anyway, Professor Quiteamess agrees with our theory and he told us that he found a cave painting that told him the whole story.

So, here it is.

Once upon a time there was an ape. We’ve decided to call him Eric to protect his identity and to protect his ancestors from unwanted attention.

One day he announced proudly “I’m going to evolve.”

And his Mum said “that’s nice, dear” and carried on with the ironing.

And Eric said “I’m serious. I’m going to evolve. I’m not like the other apes. I want to live my own life.”

And Eric’s Dad said “I’m all for ambition, as much as the next ape, but have you given any thought as to what you want to evolve into?” He was a very well-spoken ape.

And Eric said “how do I know? I’m the first ape to do it. It’s never been done before.”

And his Mum brushed away a tear and said “you’re not turning funny, like your Uncle Harry, are you?”

And Eric said “no, I just want to evolve, that’s all.”

And with that he left to evolve into a higher life form, to stand on two legs, to stop making tea commercials, to stop going to the lavatory just anywhere, but to build the world’s first toilet, to build a house, to found a new civilisation, to start wearing clothes, to make tools and weapons and to start on the nonsense that will cost untold millions of lives in many bloody wars until the whole thing’s finally over with as a bad idea.

And Eric’s Mum turned to Eric’s Dad and said “this is all your fault.”

And Eric’s Dad took his clay pipe out of his mouth and said “how is it my fault?”

And Eric’s Mum said “he’s your son.”

And Eric’s Dad said “look, just because marriage as a legally-binding contract won’t be invented by anyone for centuries, it’s no excuse to try that old one on me again. He’s your son too.”

And Eric’s Mum said “I suppose we’re not good enough for him anymore.”

And Eric’s Dad said “look, a tree was good enough for us and it was good enough for our parents.”

And Eric’s Mum said “but a tree’s not good enough for our Eric anymore. He wants to go to university and live in a house.”

And Eric’s Dad said “don’t worry about it. He’s just going through a phase, that’s all.”

And Eric’s Mum said “yes, he’s at that rebellious age, isn’t he?”

And Eric’s Dad said “it was just the same years ago, when Uncle Harry said the oceans weren’t good enough for him, he wanted to crawl up on the land and become a mammal.”

And Eric’s Mum said “but we are all mammals.”

And Eric’s Dad said “oh yes, I was forgetting that. I expect you’re right then, love. We’re screwed as a species.

And Eric’s Mum said “don’t worry, love. There are plenty more fish in the sea. There’ll still be apes a million years from now. It’s just a lifestyle choice. Some people are happy staying in the oceans. That’s because they’re working class. We like it in the trees. That’s because we’re middle class and like leafy suburbs. Eric wants to be upper class. It’s his choice.”

And with that Eric’s Dad put the kettle on and Eric’s Mum got out her needle and thread and invented the lace curtain before teatime. The theory of evolution, perhaps only a reflection of Victorian class-conscious society. Meanwhile, Eric did rise to the higher level and founded a new species. So, if ever you feel something’s not quite about life, it’s probably Eric’s fault.

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now. Next week it’s our Christmas show. We’ll see you then.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.

DECEMBER 9TH 2014

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And we’ve had a fascinating week.

We had a visit in our lovely little village of Upton Went from Professor Quiteamess.

Now, Professor Quiteamess has come to our village to study William Shakespeare, write a book on his findings and change the whole world.

He came to our lovely little village of Upton Went because he had been tracing the origins of William Shakespeare.

And he found that William Shakespeare came to our lovely little village of Upton Went and that a great deal of the planning and writing of plays happened here.

Not only that, he found some startlingly interesting information that sheds new light about the debate about whether William Shakespeare wrote them himself, or someone else.

Studying parish records and local documents from the period Professor Quiteamess found that there never was one William Shakespeare. It was a collective term used by four people from royal court circles who didn’t want to be identified. He still hasn’t been able to identify them, but he knows the rest. Apparently these four people from the royal court were the Goons of the 16th and early 17th century. Who exactly the Tudor Spike Milligan, Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Michael Bentine were is what he wants to know, but they travelled as two couples and wrote many of their works in our lovely little village of Upton Went.

The difference was that they travelled as two couples of one husband and one wife, but the reality was that the two men were a couple and the two women were a couple.

Now the women posing as men posing as women makes more sense.

Professor Quiteamess found that one of the men wrote the powerful plays like ‘Macbeth’ and the other man wrote the historical plays.

Whereas the one woman wrote the comedies and the other wrote the sonnets.

They used the collective name William Shakespeare to hid their real identities, to avoid being thrown out of royal court circles and to avoid being criticised for their sexuality.

William Shakespeare was a tradesman and out-of-work actor. They paid him so much a month to act in their plays, to take all the credit and if necessary to take all the blame as well.

That is why he left Anne Hathaway a secondhand bed.

A play on words as he was a secondhand bard.

Apparently more people believe in the fiction of William Shakespeare that the fact of Jesus Christ. Perhaps that’s because it’s easier to believe the lie rather than the truth, if the lie is big enough.

Professor Quiteamess calls William Shakespeare’s plays an atheists’ Bible. People certainly seem to know more about him than Jesus Christ.

But the reality may have been that William Shakespeare was like the second-rate guitar player who only knows three chords, but who fronts the band of musicians because he fits the image they want to project. Others wrote the music, others wrote the lyrics, others came up with the ideas and others had the vision.

It’s not hard to believe with pop groups. Why should it be hard to believe about Williams Shakespeare?

Anyway, that’s what Professor Quiteamess told us in confidence, so that’s why we’re telling you.

Many strange things happen in our lovely little village of Upton Went. Remember, Richard III spent 37seconds in Upton Went, asking the way to Leicester and we got our name because the Romans came and upped and went. Thereby lies a tale. Maybe the tale of William Shakespeare lies. Maybe he wrote it all himself and maybe he was no more a playwright than Ernie Wise and all those “plays what Ernie wrote.”

Whatever the truth about the “plays what Shakespeare wrote,” Professor Quiteamess believes he’s onto something.

And, if he’s right, Stratford-upon-Avon only has one William Shakespeare, whereas our lovely little village of Upton Went has four.

The Goons of Tudor England.

The Beatles of the Bard.

The Bucks Fizz of the Globe.

And the Jacobean equivalent of our own pop group in our lovely little village of Upton Went, The Four Skins.

We think it answers far more questions that it raises. We’ve often wondered about all the genderbending and how the style differs. We often felt it couldn’t all come from one writer.

Anyway, we’re off now to give it all some deeper thought over a nice cuppa tea.

We’ll see you again next week. Have a good week.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.