APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Bit Late.  Our creators celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary on Monday.  They were invited to the North Korea Appreciation Society at the American Embassy in London.

Not wishing to pass up a free nosh-up, but not being particularly appreciative of the way North Korea is farting around, creating a big stink off the coast of Japan, the dinner was not well attended, apart from a few Democrats, so they drank most of the booze and have only recently regained clarity of vision, not to mention consciousness.

So, what are we to make of North Korea threatening the United States?

This is the biggest Mexican standoff for lovers of the end of civilisation as we know it since the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Arizona Diamondbacks robbing the New York Yankees of a 4th consecutive World Series on days after 9/11.  I mean, c’mon!  It was the bottom of the 9th inning, there were 2 out and it was 3 & 2, plus the champagne was already open!

But we digress.

I digress? What about the Diamondbacks?

Back to North Korea.

I wish they had been in North Korea, instead of Yankee Stadium.

Take a deep breath.  It’s only the national pastime.

So’s North Korea at the moment.  President Trump has promised to send “Fire and Fury” to North Korea.  Fire and Fury are 2 female impersonators, whose mission is to embarrass Kim to death.

I hear the ICBMs could reach the south side of Chicago and I also hear that some people on the south side of Chicago feel this would give them the chance of a fresh start they’ve been looking for.

Brian Maggot, writing in his ‘Maggot Patch’ column in the ‘Upton Times’ said the other day this:-

“Are the ICBMs a call for help, or overcompensation for Kim having a small cock?  We asked the Russian Ambassador.  He said he’s never seen Kim’s cock, but he has seen his penis and it’s like a weeny carrot.  Some wonder if the real reason behind this standoff is that CBS want to bring back ‘MASH’ set today.”

Let’s be clear.  Saddam Hussein was a dictator and so was Gaddafi, but they were generally only a danger to their own people.

Kim is like a real life James Bond villain.  A megalomaniac, with an insane scheme for world domination.

He is Dr. No Way.

He is Goldpenis.

He is Ernst Stavro Blowhard.

And he is the Man With the Golden Truss.

His cunning plan is to be recognised as a nuclear power.

And the only way that can happen is by becoming a nuclear power and using that power through launching his ICBMs.

The best way to take a bridge is both ends at once and the best way to take North Korea is the same, South Korea at one end and the United States fleet at the other.

Otherwise there’ll be Mushrooms for dinner until the radiation goes in a century or two.

Make no mistake.  This is a clear and present danger.

We think it’s high time the House, the Senate, the Democrats and the crooked media got behind President Trump as Commander-in-Chief, before it starts hitting the fan.

Otherwise, if you wake up one morning and find morning hasn’t arrived, you’re probably gonna be right.

If you’re used to praying, continue at it.  If you’re not, what are you waiting for, dumdum?  Get started!  It’s never too late to start until it’s too late!

Anyway, we’re off to see if our creators are feeling a bit less below the waterline, now.

We’ll give them all your love and best wishes and they thank you for your loyalty.

Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

June 6th 2017

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

And today is D-Day, when, in 1944, Britain and the United States were knocking 7 kinds of shit out of the Germans.

In 2 days time it will be E-Day, when Britain holds a general election to build up a strong majority against the bastards from Brussels and looks to knock 7 kinds of shit out of the Scottish and the Labour Party.

11 days later it will be EU-Day, when talks begin with the bastards from Brussels, who are trying to punish Britain for making a democratic decision to leave the EU.  That feels very much like an act of war.  Have they changed at all since World War II?

During these talks Britain will be knocking 7 kinds of shit out of the bastards from Brussels and Brussels know it, that’s why they’re behaving like such bastards.

When these talks are over it will be FU-Day, when Britain says FU to the EU.

What the bastards from Brussels don’t seem to realise is that Britain still rules most of the world, it just does it with a velvet glove.

Britain never lost the empire, it just re-named it the commonwealth.

And the cogs of the commonwealth are oiled by the British monarchy.

This means that, whereas the bastards of Brussels have 27 nation states, most of them miniscule on the world scene, Britain, through the commonwealth, has influence in India, Pakistan, most of Africa, Australia, New Zealand and Canada.

And whereas the EU increasingly controls its’ 27 members with a rod of iron, like the fascists Britain had to destroy many times over the centuries, the commonwealth is run with a velvet glove allowing full independence and the occasional royal visit.

By comparison, the shadows of Hitler, Mussolini and Napoleon can still be seen in Brussels.  They are reverting to type in their attitudes towards the British and it’s disgusting.

The bastards from Brussels should be dealt with by their own court of human rights.

Look what they did to Greece and Portugal.  They usurped their governments and replaced them with their own technocrats.

Where we come from that’s called an act of war!

So, next time the crooked media bangs on about dictators in Syria, or Iran, or North Korea, or Zimbabwe, remember that there are dictators far closer to home, in France, in Germany, in Brussels, but they don’t dictate to their own people, they try to dictate to Britain.

Now, Britain kicked Germany’s arse in 1918 and 1945 and again at Wembley in 1966 and it’s about to kick their arse again.

They’ve conquered the blitz and the bastards of the IRA and they’re currently kicking 7 kinds of shit out of terrorist bastards, so the bastards of Brussels should change their tune.

There are several very good reasons why the bastards of Brussels should stop trying to bully British people and instead just lie down, spread their legs and say in French or German “Take me.”

For a start the EU export more to Britain than Britain exports to it, so a free trade agreement is in their interests, more than Britain’s interests.

Then there’s intelligence.

You won’t find this in the crooked media, but unless the EU lies down, spreads its’ legs and says “Take me” all sharing of intelligence with the EU will end from MI5, MI6, GCHQ and shared intelligence from the CIA, FBI and NSA.  By comparison European intelligence, with open borders, is useless.

So, what will happen on Thursday in the general election?

Will Theresa May get the biggest majority the country has ever seen?

Will Jeremy Corbyn resign on Friday morning and might Tony Iraq War Blair come back into politics on an ego trip to save Labour?

Will the Liberals lose the 8 seats they’ve got left?

Will Nicola Fishface Sturgeon lose most of those 56 seats and go back to the 6 they had before?

How many seats will go to May in June?

We shall see on Thursday night and we’ll see you nice people again next week.  Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world.

O.K, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

There’s a serial just finished call ‘SS-GB’ based on the novel written by Len Deighton in 1978. It belongs to that most interesting sub-genre of science-fiction, alternative history.

In ‘SS-GB’ Britain lost the Battle of Britain in 1940 and it’s now 1941 and Britain is run by the Nazis.

It reminds me of a serial shown on the BBC in 1978 called ‘An Englishman’s Castle’ which showed a present, in 1978, where, 30 years after losing the war, Britain has its’ own government, but every law has to be passed by Germania.

Do look out for both these titles on video.

Both ‘SS-GB’ and ‘An Englishman’s Castle’ involve a resistance group.

After chatting to Walter Gate about them he put forward a very interesting hypothesis, which was that, when you compare how Britain was treated under the European Union, ‘An Englishman’s Castle’ presents a Britain not all that different, in that all British laws can be overturned at will be Europe.

Then there’s the idea of the resistance.

There was always resistance to joining the Common Market.

In 1963 Britain was refused entry into the Common Market because De Gaulle, the one with the big hooter, said “Non!”

After freeing France from the Nazis, De Gaulle has de gaul to do that.  Let ’em get on with it next time!

Britain eventually got into the Common Market in 1973, but the very fact they had to ask was an insult on the part of the Europeans that insults the memory of every British soldier, sailor and airman who died liberating France, Germany and all the rest.

Straight away there was a resistance because Europe wanted to force metric measures on Britain.  Imagine a baseball stadium where all the boundary walls are measured in metres, instead of feet.  Imagine the NFL with each down measures in metres and centimetres, instead of yards and inches.  Chaos! Well, that’s what Europe caused in Britain.

The resistance went by many names.  To begin with they were known as the Metric Martyrs.  In the ’80s and 90s’ stallholders and small businessmen were literally locked up for refusing to go metric.

When you consider ‘SS-GB’ and ‘An Englishman’s Castle’ it’s not very different to see the police and the courts forced by Brussels to lock up their own citizens when they haven’t done anything wrong.

Eventually the resistance won and metric measures were no longer forced on Britain by Europe as from 2007, but the damage was done and such insane laws should never have been tolerated in the first place.

Then there were all the terrorists who are told to make complaints of brutality against the armed forces and intelligence agencies in order to break morale.  The British wouldn’t rise to this bait, so they appealed to the European Court of Human Rights, who forced Britain to free known terrorists and pay them compensation.

So, Europe forced Britain to lock up innocent shopkeepers and free known terrorists.  These people are dictators in sheep’s clothing.

The same was true with deporting known terrorist sympathisers, taking up to 10 years, but Britain didn’t give in to Europe and when you consider the large amount of terrorist attacks in France and Germany recently, you can see how wrong their policies are.

In the ’90s the resistance spread to prominent MPs and became known as the Euro-skeptics.  They demanded a simple in-or-out referendum.

Eventually, in 2012, they got one agreed, to take place by the end of 2017.

It took place in June 2016 and the resistance finally won and June 23rd was referred to as Britain’s Independence Day.

The parallels are clear.

Both 1776 and 2016 are about saying “no” to taxation without representation.

There are still some sore losers mouthing off, like modern-day Lord Haw Haws.  They deserve the same fate as Lord Haw Haw as well, if they continue to ignore and defy the will of the British people.

These Lord Haw Haws are, in fact, pissing in the wind anyway because nothing they say can prevent Britain enjoying its’ independence for the first time since New Year’s Eve 1972.

Much has been said of the Cold War between the United States and Russia, but there was always a second Cold War between Britain and the European Union and Britain last year struck a definitive blow to win that Cold War.

Anyway, it’s time for us to go now.

Yes, say goodnight to all the nice people around the world, including Europe.

OK, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

 

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Dateline, London.  In ‘Apple & Ginger’s Roadshow’ two years’ ago, we reported that, when the time came for a change of leadership in the Conservative party, Theresa May would be that person.  We were able to report this after receiving a leaked memo which said, in answer to who would stand for the leadership, “Theresa May.”

Since becoming Prime Minister in July, Theresa May has told the leader of the Labour Party at Prime Minister’s question time “On the way here today I saw someone who had no respect from his workers.  Remind you of anyone?”

She went to Scotland and told the Scottish Nationalist Party “On the way here today I saw a woman who still thought Scotland could have a second independence referendum, even though the result two years’ ago was a resounding no and who still thought Scotland could stay in the European Union, even though by having an independence referendum Scotland were voting to leave the European Union and who was living in a fantasy world with bagpipes in the background.  Remind you of anyone?

Then she went to France and told the French “On the way here today I met a man who was confident Britain would activate article fifty and start talks about leaving the European Union before the French elections in the spring because he was scared merdless that the far right would win the election and have a referendum to leave the European Union too, even though Britain isn’t going to activate article fifty until January.  Remind you of anyone?

Dateline Washington.  With the Presidential debates upon us, Donald Trump has said “we’re going to make America great, which is great.  America will be great again, which is great.  All this is great and it’s great that it’s great, which is great,” whereas Hillary Clinton asked for more money and waved to someone in the crowd, presumably the same mysterious person she waved to at every campaign rally eight years ago.  Who is this mysterious person and how do they manage to be exactly where she is, every day, wherever she is in the country?  We want to know!

Dateline California.  A convention to mark the fiftieth anniversary of ‘The Monkees’ has been held at San Diego Zoo.

Dateline Oklahoma.  When asked by a reporter what he thought of the new Ghostbusters film a local cinemagoer said “good, but I didn’t know Bill Murray, Dan Ackroyd and Ernie Hudson have had sex-change operations.”

Dateline Syria.  With the civil war having raged for five years, with no end in sight, a song will be released to encourage both Sunni & Shia to kiss and make up.  Sung to the tune of Sonny & Cher’s 1965 single ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ the lyrics go something like this.

They tried to say this war would never last.

But we’re all here and we’re having such a blast.

I’ve got you, babe.

I’ve got you, babe.

They told us we were off our heads.

But heads are off the westerners instead.

I’ve got you, babe.

I’ve got you, babe.

They said this war could never spread.

But we’ve gone into Iraq and Libya instead.

I’ve got you, babe.

I’ve got you, babe.

So, put your bloody hand in mine

And everything will change and all be fine.

I’ve got you, babe.

I’ve got you, babe.

That single will be available as a download on the ABP label from Monday.

Time for us to go now.  See you next week.  Say goodnight to all the nice people around the world, but only the nice ones.

O.K, goodnight folks.  See you next Tuesday.

 

(It might be a different day, please bear with!)

APPLE & GINGER’S ROADSHOW

Hi, I’m Apple…

…and I’m Ginger.

Today is Veterans Day and Remembrance Day, when we remember the armistice and the end of the war until another one came along. World War II – The Sequel.

World War I happened because the King couldn’t get on with his cousin, the Kaiser. So they got everyone to fight for them like toy soldiers because they weren’t man enough to fight their own battles. Millions died or were seriously injured, many lost friends, fathers, husbands and lovers. They vowed it should never happen again. That’s why it did happen again 21years later.

World War II started on a Sunday. Who declares war on a Sunday? Hitler might have been all ready to reply on Monday, but the ministry was closed until Monday morning. Hitler was probably busy in church on Sunday morning, just like the British.

Whisky Tango Foxtrot is a war veteran. He was in several wars and lost all of them.

We were just chatting about it all with Rita Bladder. Her grandfather was in the Navy in World War II. He was on watch one night and called out “mine ahead, mine ahead. It’s alright, it’s one of ours”

He was decorated for that. With wallpaper paste.

My uncle was in military intelligence.

What’s intelligent about war?

Well, my uncle was intelligent.

What did he do?

He was in photo reconnaisance. He used to look at photographs all day through a magnifying glass and every time he found something interesting they sent Lancasters over to bomb it. One day he saw a strange blob on the photograph. He had no idea what it was and couldn’t explain it. So they bombed it. Then they took more photographs and it was gone. He didn’t have the heart to tell Bomber Harris the blob was a dead ant in case they made him pay for the wasted bombs out of his wages.

My uncle had a brother who had an uncle who had a cousin who was a navigator on a Lancaster during the war. One night they were looking for the French coast and they couldn’t find it. So they gave up, dumped their bombs in the channel, flew around for the rest of the night telling dirty stories and went home and made something up to keep everyone happy at the debriefing in the morning. Then it was bacon and eggs all round and then they went to bed smug in the knowledge that they stopped a lot of people dying the night before.

Let’s give peace a chance and bomb the enemy with cases of booze. Let’s call them boozebombs and let’s drop them from boozebombers. It’s much better to get bombed on booze.

I’ll drink to that!

I’ve got to say every year since 1920 we’ve been having a ceremony at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Now, just think about that for a moment. He was unknown in 1920, but today we can use DNA testing to identify even the most tiny of body tissue. Just look at all the good work done in New York identifying as many loved ones as possible from 9/11. So, what I say is this. In that cenotaph is some mother’s son. It’s time to let him out, identify him and give the poor sod a decent burial.

Ain’t that the truth!

Anyway, let’s lighten the mood, shall we? Rita Bladder was telling us that her father-in-law looks forward to doing the prize cryptic crossword in ‘The Times’ on a Saturday. He doesn’t finish it on a Saturday, but he does finish it. If you finish it you send it in and someone wins twenty pounds.

It’s been twenty pounds since the Titanic went down. It’s time it went up.

The Titanic?

No, the prize money.

There’s prize money for raising the Titanic?

No, the cryptic crossword.

I see. I was gonna say, don’t waste your time raising the Titanic, Lew Grade did it in 1980. I saw it on telly.

Anyway, next to the crossword they have a photograph from the archives. And they had a picture of a naked woman, from the back, on Brighton Beach because it was the anniversary of the opening of the nudist beach. It was the council’s idea.

Probably so they could sell more pairs of binoculars!

Anyway, her father-in-law couldn’t concentrate all day. When she showed her husband all he said was “good place to park a bike.” Then her busband had a great idea and stuck a large second class stamp over the offending buttocks. Looking at it, the words “second class” and “large” seemed suddenly to be appropriate and making a statement about what had just been censored. She sent us a photocopy.

I think it’s brilliant. It’s modern art and it puts Andy Warhole to shame.

It’s appropriate talking about a war hole on remembrance day. It makes you think. Better bum holes than bomb holes.

It certainly does, Ollie and much as I dislike modern art, I prefer modern arts to a naked arse any day.

Anyway, let’s go now and frame her bum in all its large, second class glory.

Where shall we hang her arse?

Where else, the downstairs toilet.

O.K. goodnight folks. See you next Tuesday.